To be so fucking mad and wonder what the point is

[Ohkayyy]

7th miscarriage happened last night.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm really struggling to keep it together.

I don't know how to carry on with normal life. I sit at work and think, I can't do this forever without a family. Just work, go home, sleep and back again.

I don't care about anything and hate myself and my body so much it makes me cry looking in a mirror. I feel pathetic and embarrassing. I don't want to be pitied by my friends and colleagues who are all moving on and having their children and leaving me behind.

DH has children already and I hate myself for thinking it but it makes me so jealous and lonely that we aren't facing the same future.

I don't know where to go from here. I am constantly being pushed back to square one, I just can't be satisfied with anything in my life. I have never felt so desperately miserable in my entire life.

Sorry for the rant

Thanks all.

A little update if any of you want to know...

I went to my appointment today and I feel a little better.

The Dr believes that the fact I'm losing the pregnancies at nearly the exact same time indicates I may also have an issue with the thickness of lining in my womb. They have started me on medication to build that up. It's the first they'd said this could be a problem.

I am also going back in a couple of months for results on the tests they've done on H today though I'm not sure they will find anything.

I have been told that if this medication does not help, they will refer me to an IVF clinic in either London or Leeds for IVF with PGD (they are well aware that H has children already so who knows?!)

They are still hopeful that if they can treat any other little niggles, I can carry to term despite the BT but have agreed they need to really look for any other possible causes they can help with too.

Fingers crossed for you x

So sorry for all your heartache. Best wishes for a little one in your home soon.

I'm glad they started looking for a cause. If you've a 50:50 due to your condition then you'd still be down in the less than 1% likely category that your 7 miscarriages were down to chance.

Sometimes knowing there is one problem stops people looking for another and I'm glad that they have gotten over that barrier.

I'm so sorry OP. You are no less of a woman if you are unable to conceive so please don't feel you would be doing anyone a favour by fucking off.

I have had two losses, one of which was ectopic and required emergency surgery and it took me a long long time to get myself right and be able to move on by having a conversation with my DH about where we went from there.

You absolutely have the right to try again but personally it was too much for me and I think there has to come a time when you accept the future you hope to have may be different.

I haven't RTFT but would you consider adoption?

I hope you have support IRL x

For what its worth my DB married an older woman who had a child, she had serveral MC turns out her body rejected XX markers so it wasn't she was pregnant with DS she was able to carry to term (longest she had was 20 weeks)

Anyway they have had IVF approved even though she has DC because my DB doesn't

Hope your new treatment helps and if it doesn't then hope things start moving forward for you with IVF

I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to offer my sympathies - it is really, really tough but, if you can face it, I'd say it's worth keeping trying, especially as you are only 27.

My mum had the same experience and she believed she was never going to succeed, but she ended up having 3 kids after many miscarriages. I left it much later to start trying and had 5 miscarriages -I believe caused by eggs that were not viable - but I got lucky with a 'good egg' 2 twice, first when I was 38 and again at 42. Another friend had 9 miscarriages and eventually had 2 successful pregnancies.

It's horrible having to go through so many unsuccessful pregnancies, with all of the crap symptoms of the 1st trimester and a disappointment each time. But if you can bear to stick it out you may just get lucky and it really makes up for everything. x

OP they can refer you but as husband already had children the clinics will likely expect you to self fund most of the cycle (have a look at Access Fertility for funding options) but they may offer the genetic testing portion on the NHS.

Can I suggest something mad but worth trying? Set up a go fund me for the ivf. Tell your story on there and you might raise at least a bit towards it. You have nothing to lose

Oh my heart hurts for you OP and I really hope that it happens for you one day.

Thank you

I'm attempting work today. I don't know how it will go, I've been lay staring at the ceiling feeling pretty numb since 5am. I just wish I could press pause on the world for a few days.

I've subconsciously been scratching my hands from anxiety whilst I've been lay thinking and they are all cut and a mess now.

But I have messaged a counselor to discuss an appointment so that's a step forward I guess.

I really feel for you. I had three lost pregnancies before I had my children and I cannot imagine how it feels to go through the heartache 7 times. Please ask for help finding out what is going wrong - I know how devastating it feels every time and maybe knowing why will help a little.

Give yourself time to grieve and be kind to yourself. See your doctor if you suspect you’re depressed - I’d be amazed if you’re not. Look online for support groups and talk with anyone who’ll listen.

I really hope you can move on from this and get the baby you yearn for.

This piece was on the BBC news today about how one hospital is trying to do somethig to ease the plight of parents experencing stillbirth.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-48124991

Thanks Justaboy, I was given a feedback form for my hospitals pregnancy unit and I said a similar thing on there.

It's a waiting room for both normal scans and people visiting the EPU which is where I go when I start bleeding. I've had to sit there before knowing what's happening to me again whilst women sit on the phone telling their family excitedly that 'its a boy!' etc...

I put on the form that there needs to be a separated space. It makes me not want to go and stay at home instead which can be dangerous.

The nurse who was handing out the forms said they were doing so becauseuse they'd had some complaints about the 'mix' of patients in the same room.

some complaints about the 'mix' of patients in the same room.

I bet they have! It is one of this most insenstive things that happens in a hospital why nothing has bene done before beats me it really does.

I read your earlier post so heres hoping for you!.

Bless:-)

I'm glad the NHS are finally looking at this issue. I asked if it was room I could express breast milk during an overnight stay on a ward that was full of women in the process of miscarrying, and was told I should just bring the baby in with me. It didn't seem to have occurred to them that bringing a newborn in to that ward might not be a great idea.

Google PDG and NHS England. Criteria document is online

waveysnail

Thank you according to that document, only unaffected living children from the current relationship are considered of which we, of course, don't have any. Unless I'm reading it wrong?

Mirri you are not helping, please just stop now.

Very sorry to hear about your troubles @ohkayyy I’ve had 7 mc also and they couldn’t give me a proper reason for it only that they suspect it was linked to my thyroid problems and womb lining. I’ve successfully carried three babies to term with the help of thyroid meds and progesterone for my womb lining. There is hope, please don’t ever give up. Lots of love

Also please do push for IVF from what I know despite your DH children you’d be an eligible candidate in my NHS trust so definitely look into it, I’m thing of you. You probably do t see it now but you are one strong woman!

Thank you so much

I managed to get an appointment with a counselor this evening and I've just got home. It went really well, worth the money to just get out all the crazy things going round in my head. She's asked me to speak to the GP about anxiety medication because she thinks I'm not able to rationalize properly at the moment, I'm going off on wild tangents in my head because of the fear and anxiety that I'll never have a child.

I'm going to make the appointment. I don't know how I feel yet about being on meds but I can try it if they think it will help.

Well done for fixing the appointment and going Op, so glad you found it helped.

I think you’re doing amazingly well just by putting one foot in front of the other at the moment. You’re very strong

That's how I read it up thread too, Oh.

I think the people commenting about your partners children have missed that this has special criteria and wouldn't come under their standard - which may well not fund IVF if any partner already has kids.

I'm so sorry op, that must be really awful to go through.

I know it's a bit cliche but I have a friend who tried and lost many babies for 7 years. Her partner also had children so weren't considered for funding, and she had no money to pay for it here or abroad. After 7 years she became pregnant, and she had a very very premature baby at 25 weeks. That baby is now 2 and a ball of energy.

It can happen, and I really hope it does for you.