To be so fucking mad and wonder what the point is

[Ohkayyy]

7th miscarriage happened last night.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm really struggling to keep it together.

I don't know how to carry on with normal life. I sit at work and think, I can't do this forever without a family. Just work, go home, sleep and back again.

I don't care about anything and hate myself and my body so much it makes me cry looking in a mirror. I feel pathetic and embarrassing. I don't want to be pitied by my friends and colleagues who are all moving on and having their children and leaving me behind.

DH has children already and I hate myself for thinking it but it makes me so jealous and lonely that we aren't facing the same future.

I don't know where to go from here. I am constantly being pushed back to square one, I just can't be satisfied with anything in my life. I have never felt so desperately miserable in my entire life.

Sorry for the rant

I can't imagine your pain

But if you were my friend I would really urge you not to try again so quickly. You need to rest. Stress is has a negative effect on your body. Obviously work may not allow you but I would suggest a holiday and no trying for a while, at least several months then as pp said try NHS to see if you can be funded IVF.

Sunni, thank you. My age is the only positive thing I have been holding onto through this.

I can't take AL tomorrow as it's not enough notice. But I do have some time off in the morning for my hospital appointment so may just say I can't make it back in after that so at least it's one day.

I've been thinking about going and seeing my grandma for a few days. She lives in Spain, I feel like just getting away and not thinking about anything for a few days to clear my head. Don't know if this is harsh on H though, he has a lot on at work at the min so probably couldn't come with me. Is that like running away from your problems? I don't know.

if you've got an appointment anyway I'd take it sick. sounds like this one has thrown you more than others? I get that in real life sympathy wanes, but legally any pregnancy related illness can't count against you for dismissal etc.

sounds like this one has thrown you more than others?

It's funny because I can't tell you why some do and others don't. Some I've been back to my normal self straight away and others I've had to be signed off because I can't pull myself together. I don't know what the difference is.

I think this time was the longest it's taken us to get pregnant since we've been trying (about 6/7 months since last MC) and so it's just so disheartening to be back to square one again.

I’m so sorry OP. I know a little of how you feel (3 miscarrieges and following a positive heartbeat scan at 8 weeks it looks like I’m miscarrying again). With the last one it really effected me badly, I felt like my head was going to explode in frustration. The world was going on as normal and I just felt empty and in some ways still do. In the days following my last miscarriage I told my husband we were divorcing (we aren’t), I had the house valued to move. (We didn’t) and I started to draft a cv (I’ve been in role for 16 years). I just felt like I had to somehow be able to take control of something. I didn’t care what. Just something in my life needed to be within my control.

I’m sorry this will be of little help but I guess what I’m trying to say is that I kind of know where you are and how disappointed you will be, again.

I also know about the not taking time off. After my last miscarriage I was hospitalised for something completely unrelated and discharged myself because I was worried about work. I got in big trouble from them but I understand the reliability point too. Currently working out how this one will pan out.

Sending hugs.xxx

new30 I'm really sorry this is happening again for you too I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

You've explained it exactly about the taking control of something, anything! I was literally shaking last night because I felt I had so much adrenaline going round my body, I just needed to do something. I don't know what, I just wanted to get in my car and drive away, book flights to somewhere, move house, quit my job just anything like you say.

Really sorry you're feeling all these things too xxx

I hope your husband will be pleased for you if you go to see your Grandma. He shares your worries but he also worries about you (you mentioned he suggested you see someone to help I think). A loving Grandma could be just what you need right now and your husband can be reassured you are resting and being looked after.

Perhaps you can go soon but you could both go another time like in the summer.

Even though you can’t normally take AL at short notice perhaps you could tell your manager about your m/c but ask if you can take unplanned AL rather than sick leave?

You are not running away from your problems you are coming to terms with your pain x

Going to Spain to see your Gran for a few days sounds like a great idea. I'm sure your dh will want you to take the time to do something nice for yourself.

H would be fine I'm sure. I feel bad because it's obviously happening for him too although I do believe and he tells me so that he is okay, he's a lot more positive than I am and believes it will happen one way or another, the thing that bothers him the most is seeing me so upset.

I’m sorry I can’t help more but I agree about the break xx

I’m so sorry for your losses, it’s heartbreaking and incredibly unfair.

Just a thought, if you’re looking in to ivf with genetic testing, and your grandma lives in Spain, it could be worth having a look at clinics abroad in particular Spain? I chose to have ivf in Poland because it was much cheaper, the package I picked included all the meds, and most importantly the success rates were great.

I wish you all the best, look after yourself 💐

Thanks, I've just had a look and for UK clinics it seems to be around £5,750 per cycle with PGD which is painful.

I'm going to check abroad x

I’m sending you tons of hugs. Please, please take the time to look after yourself. 🐾

Oh my lord, sorry! I meant to send 💐💐

Oh my lord, sorry! I meant to send

That's okay, I love dogs so would prefer one of those to flowers

I'm looking at the IVF options abroad and I can't believe the price difference. If I speak to the hospital and it's not available for us on NHS, I'm going to speak to H about going abroad.

It might be that your clinic is waiting for you to ask 'what about IVF? I believe the funding arrangements are different in these circumstances', making it something you have decided you want to consider, rather than something that might feel pushed upon you.

In any case, booking some leave sounds a very sensible idea. You need it.

I'm so sorry. My husband has a translocation, so we've faced a lot of the same difficulties and I had a lot of miscarriages, both before and after our live births. Unfortunately I don't have an answer but I wanted to express some sort of solidarity or sympathy in the hope that you would feel less alone.

FWIW Spain has some very good clinics......

Firstly please take time to grieve, I am so sorry this has happened to you.

I am sorry but due to your husband having children it is very very unlikely can get funding on NHS.

Look at ABC clinic in London and some over payment plans. There are options to help with funding especially at your age can look at donor eggs or egg sharing as well.

There are IVF support groups on Facebook I would really recommend joining just so you can ask questions of people in similar position to you

Definitely look abroad to as can be half the price and success rates can be better.

There is an IVF abroad group to!

If you can get a clinic recommended abroad then surely you could fund raise , people do it for other health problems . A friend has just raised £75000. Pounds for cancer treatment that the nhs offered and then withdrew. So I am sure you could raise the money .

Very sorry OP.

In your circumstances I would investigate the options and costs of private IVF with the additional genetic services, and save hard for the treatment.

We had success at IVI Valencia, Spain, after 4 miscarriages. The cost is more acceptable if you can (try to partly) treat as a holiday. I'm sure there will be other options, as discussed on other boards.
Good luck.

SusieOwl, I'd feel a bit cheeky. People are always saying on her how a child isn't a right and how they don't think IVF should be publicly funded.

I don't need this to live, it's just something I desperately want. Is it rude to ask people to contribute to that?