To be so fucking mad and wonder what the point is

[Ohkayyy]

7th miscarriage happened last night.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm really struggling to keep it together.

I don't know how to carry on with normal life. I sit at work and think, I can't do this forever without a family. Just work, go home, sleep and back again.

I don't care about anything and hate myself and my body so much it makes me cry looking in a mirror. I feel pathetic and embarrassing. I don't want to be pitied by my friends and colleagues who are all moving on and having their children and leaving me behind.

DH has children already and I hate myself for thinking it but it makes me so jealous and lonely that we aren't facing the same future.

I don't know where to go from here. I am constantly being pushed back to square one, I just can't be satisfied with anything in my life. I have never felt so desperately miserable in my entire life.

Sorry for the rant

Op I'm so sorry for your losses, and that you are in this heartbreaking situation again.

I can empathise a little, 4 miscarriages, no cause found and no living children. What gets to me the most is that I feel such a failure - my body can't do what it's supposed to. You take it for granted that when you want to start a family you will be able to, that's the truth for everyone around me. A positive test does not equal a baby for me, a positive test means worry, anxiety, pain and heartbreak.

Have you been to see Tommy's miscarriage clinic? They are highly regarded and have some of the top rated recurrent miscarriage consultants and professors on their team. They are constantly researching new treatments. You can ask your Dr or consultant to refer you.

I know you have been diagnosed as having a balanced translocation, but it may just be one piece of the puzzle. In my experience, GP's, even gynae have very little knowledge, or even interest in recurrent miscarriage sadly.

Might be of interest to you, there is a Facebook group called Recurrent miscarriage/multiple miscarriage support. Lots of wonderful, strong ladies on there who are in similar situations.

So sorry to hear this. You deserve to be given support and sympathy; stuff the stiff-upper-lip!

Sorry if this was answered already but have they done any tests on your husband?

Him having kids already doesn't mean he might not have a fertility problem contributing to your miscarriages. He may have just gotten lucky in the past.

My husband has balanced chromosomal translocation. While I was aware female carriers are at a higher risk of miscarriage then the partner of a male carrier, 7 miscarriages with no successful pregnancies would definitely make me wonder if something else was going on.

No, they haven't done any tests on H yet but they did say last time that they might do next time to rule it out so it's another thing I can ask about tomorrow.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

If you decide to do IVF it might also be worth looking at prices abroad. I'd initially planned IVF with genetic screening (only got 2 eggs so didnt bother to screen in the end) but the prices were half or less than the U.K.

We went to Reprofit in Brno, Czechia. Couldn't recommend it enough.

Are you also on the infertility boards here? I couldn't have survived without them at the time.

Blue, thank you. I've just had a look. Their prices seem really reasonable. I've added them to my list to look into if we have to go private x

I am so sorry - it is heartbreaking. My husband has a balanced translocation. We lost a natural twin pregnancy at 23 weeks (not connected to the translocation - we had amniosintisis amd they were both clean) and then had a MMC when we went for our scan.

I insisted (and got) testing on the miscarriage to check it was due to the translocation (it was). Whilst it is totally possible if hugely unlucky to have 7 unbalanced embryos, it isnt that likely. Insist on all the testing you can. On the embryos, on you and your husband. Make sure that is the issue, esp if you're thinking of going for PGD. Dont let them just assume it is the translocation.

Wishing you all the best. Your age and the fact you are getting pregnant is hugely hopeful.

Positively, thank you sorry to hear you're struggling too. It definitely makes me feel like a failure, I know what you mean. Thanks for the suggestions of the clinic and the FB groups, I'll take a look x

Names, thank you! I'm too tired and lacking in the energy required to take offense to anything right now luckily.

The more the day goes on the more I'm thinking I really do want to get away for a couple of days.

Bumbers, thank you and so sorry to hear that.

I am concerned about the likelihood that the number of miscarriages I'm having being caused solely by the translocation. I don't think I could handle having something else wrong with me to contend with.

the fact you are getting pregnant is hugely hopeful

My Dr did actually say something similar. That getting pregnant is the biggest battle, if I can do that then they believe the odds are in favour of eventually going to term. It's just hard to believe.

I'm really sorry if you hate the "I have a friend who tried for a million years to get pregnant and it finally happened when she relaxed and pissed on a passing unicorn" but I actually do have a friend who had the same issue and had fourteen miscarriages between the ages of 27 and 33, before having the three straightforward and easy pregnancies that resulted in her lovely children. I have had my own struggles with fertility, but never before or since have I seen anything so absolutely fucking brutal, so you have all my sympathies and best wishes for the future. My friend hit rock bottom many, many times and I honestly do not know how she got the strength to carry on. It's just about the worst thing I've ever seen anyone go through. My friend had her children finally, and she is very happy, though the scars remain - I hope one day you can say the same.

Crunchytowel, no thank you. Stories like that really give me hope and make me feel like I'm not just flogging a dead horse by carrying on.

OP, you are welcome obviously wherever you want to be but do you not feel mumsnet just adds to the pain. Even if you avoid the parenting ones, you will see them in actives and the overwhelming majority on here are parents

Are there on entire websites focussed on those going through what you are, and mean you don’t have to encounter “parenting” so in your face as it in one mumsnet?

It's fucking infuriating because I just want one. Just one! I'd be happy with that because I never want to go through this again and I know already if I do ever have a child, I will not try for another again. I just need it to work once, that's all

AmIbeingdaft

No, I love MN. It's helped me massively and parents or not I always find posters advice and support really valuable. I've never been on a forum with the volume of responses or the amount of people going through so many different things as here.

Also, I really do want to hear from parents. Especially those who have been through this and come out of the other side which there are a lot of here. It gives me hope that it's possible.

AmIBeingDaft, please don't suggest the OP shouldn't be here or encourage her to go elsewhere. It is not a forum just for parents and there are plenty of us who have been somewhere similar to the OP and can offer support in this really difficult time.

Take a look around the various discussion boards, it is not just for parents and 90% of the conversations are not about parenting.

OP is perfectly capable of deciding whether it's beneficial to her to post here or not.

OP I am heartbroken for you reading your posts. I'm so sorry.

@MotherOfCheese

Hasty.
Reread my post.

The OP feels overwhelming jealously and anger. I was wonky wondering if there was an alternative site where she wouldn’t be surrounded by something that makes her feel so angry.
She responded unequivocally that it works for her, which is great.

So sorry

Ohkayyy Im so sorry you are going through this. The only consolation I can give you (and no its not that it will work one day, because no-one can promise that) is that many of us have been through it and it is gut-wrenchingly horrid. But, and there is a big caveat here, I've now got an amazing 2 year old bundle of absolute joy and another baby on the way. I'm currently 42 and have had around the same number of misses as you. We invested heavily in IVF and it was worth every penny.

Keep up hope - as long as the problem isn't insurmountable (btw I know nothing about your current problem so forgive the ignorance)- there is an element of luck to any pregnancy and you need to find the right egg/sperm/embryo. My current pregnancy took three failed transfers of very healthy 5 day embryos - but we got lucky in the end. However I will not stop worrying until my baby is born healthily, its just the way you get after so many losses.

If it helps, I also took it upon myself to find out about the science as well. Maybe you've already down this, but if not, it is worth educating yourself about the different variables, as that a) helps to up the odds but also b) helps distract you while you are in the waiting period! Try as best you can to stay away from the craaaazy websites as they can be counter-productive.

Oh and have a glass of wine/do something you really fancy doing. As long as you don't get off your face every night, none of it will affect your chances and it might just help a little.

Hope it works for you soon

We used INVICTA clinic in Poland. They have a genetic screening process that includes the medication, it says prices are from £5130 if you pay in zloty, or £5531 if you pay in euros (we paid in zloty).

Here’s a link to the program they offer if you wanted to have a read:

www.invictaclinics.com/infertility-treatment/ivf-programs/ivf-all-inclusive-genetics-ngs/

I’m not in anyway affiliated with them, I’m just extremely grateful to them and didn’t find many reviews online before I went to see them!

Thank you. Invicta is one on my list :) I found them today whilst googling.

Honestly OP I think IVF is the way forward. I understand it’s expensive, and it sound like I’m oversimplifying things by saying “just do it”, but if you were my friend I would find a way for you. Sit down and work out your actual finances to the last zero. Call it 10k for an example, would you possibly be able to get a loan for that? Do some overtime, cut down on some things? I was very close to IVF, I mentioned in previous thread about miscarriages, honestly if my son wasn’t a successful pregnancy I would have done it for any amount of money, because the whole thing was sending me into a deep depression. Kids are expensive. I spend over £500 a month on clubs at the moment (for x3), and once you’re at that ridiculous level of spending on a child, IVF money will seem like a distant drop in the ocean. My friend tried naturally for ages, didn’t have the same condition as you, but had all sorts of tests and appointments and pills and followed cycles and became totally obsessed. Did not fall pregnant even once in two years. Did IVF and now has gorgeous twins. She always says she wishes she had just borrowed the money and done IVF in the first instance, once she knew they would struggle naturally. It’s worth the money just to not torture yourself any longer. As you have a grandparent in Spain have you found a good clinic there maybe? Would help to keep costs down if have somewhere to stay if doing it abroad.

I know how you feel OP. I really do. It’s like an endless trauma having recurrent miscarriages, it makes my stomach churn thinking how dreadful it is wanting a baby. Even my first to-term pregnancy, I spent the whole time feeling sick with anxiety, waiting for blood. I wouldn’t wish any of it on my worst enemy, I really wouldn’t.

If you were my friend I would be bringing you lovely things in bed now, helping you make a list of potential clinics and going through reviews, and maybe getting some notes written down for what to say to the consultant tomorrow. What questions do you needs answered?

I would also be saying ok well what money is coming in, what are your expenditures, how much is a cycle of IVF at the places you’ve found. They might even have payment programs at the clinics themselves. In order to help you emotionally, we need to get practical. Can we help you on here?

For anyone saying it’s not the be all and end all. It is. It bloody is! It’s a biological, emotional, and physical urge. Some people don’t have it and that’s fine, but many many many women do - and that’s totally normal. If anyone thinks that the OP doesn’t deserve IVF they need to check themselves. Seriously. She has a medical condition that prevents her from doing what her body needs to do, and is telling her to do.

@MirriVan

I know I'm not going to change your mind about having children, but the fact is, you might not get what you want, and it won't hurt to see that you haven't failed, been left behind, or that your life is pointless without children

Which would have been fine if that's what you'd said - kind even. But instead you tried to tell the OP that the reason she wants children in the first place is because 'everyone else has got one' , like a Burberry bag or something, and she is worried about her 'status'. Which is incredibly rude and heartless, and also you putting the cart completely before the horse.

Of course if you desperately want something, you will notice that others have it (especially when it is something many/most people have at some point) and feel jealous, worry that you will never have that, worry that you will lose closeness with your friends etc as your lives diverge. This follows on from our inbuilt drive to procreate, it doesn't cause it; it does NOT suggest the OP's desire for children is about 'status anxiety'. FFS.

In my area, the NHS CGG would take into account that your husband already has children. But this doesn't mean you cannot appeal, and I would certainly encourage you to do so. You get to meet the decision makers face to face (I was one of these panel members) and it's very difficult not to sympathise with people in your situation. So don't give up hope 💐