To be so fucking mad and wonder what the point is

[Ohkayyy]

7th miscarriage happened last night.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm really struggling to keep it together.

I don't know how to carry on with normal life. I sit at work and think, I can't do this forever without a family. Just work, go home, sleep and back again.

I don't care about anything and hate myself and my body so much it makes me cry looking in a mirror. I feel pathetic and embarrassing. I don't want to be pitied by my friends and colleagues who are all moving on and having their children and leaving me behind.

DH has children already and I hate myself for thinking it but it makes me so jealous and lonely that we aren't facing the same future.

I don't know where to go from here. I am constantly being pushed back to square one, I just can't be satisfied with anything in my life. I have never felt so desperately miserable in my entire life.

Sorry for the rant

As you have a translocation then your funding is provided by NHS England not the local authority. The criteria tends to be more generous, so woman under 40 & no affected child from that relationship.

If I were you I would go to the HFEA website & look for IVF clinics near you that do PGD. Give them a call and ask about their referral processes.

Op i feel so sorry that this has happened to you and i cannot even imagine the extent of your frustration and sadness. I only tend to leave comments occasionally. But I just had to let you know, its ok to be mad. Take some time off and process your feelings. Talk thru the anger and be however you want to be. Those who truly love you, will understand and be there for you. Dont shut your dh out. We are all here for you. You can pm me anytime you need xx

I can't imagine how painful this must be for you. I would happily donate to a charity that funded chromosomal testing for women/couples with conditions such as yours because you deserve a family like everyone else. If there is such a thing please can someone tell me. It seems desperately unfair to keep.expecting to roll the dice against the odds. Perhaps looking into doing PGD abroad might be cheaper if that's something you might consider.x

I'm so sorry, I had 3, and I was in a bad place, I can imagine how much worse you feel. I really hope it works out for you. I don't think you should pretend to be fine - shout and scream to the whole world about it! We keep quiet about our MCs but I don't see why we should, we've done nothing wrong. You aren't fine and you shouldn't have to pretend you are just so that luckier people don't have to feel uncomfortable.

Please don’t give up hope. My step mum had many miscarriages and it was found that my dad had a translocated chromosome. Eventually, she carried my brother to term, no IVF.

Myself, DB and new baby bro all tested and both brothers also have translocated chromosome.
My DB no longer in uk, but now has a baby after IVF. His wife also had problems and would have needed IVF even without my DB translocation.

I am so very sorry for your losses.

As you have a translocation then your funding is provided by NHS England not the local authority. The criteria tends to be more generous, so woman under 40 & no affected child from that relationship

If I were you I would go to the HFEA website & look for IVF clinics near you that do PGD. Give them a call and ask about their referral processes.

Thank you that's really helpful. I didn't know that about the local authority/NHS England. I have had a lot of tests done since I've been going to the hospital and they haven't yet mentioned IVF so the only thing I have to go off is Google. I do have an appointment tomorrow though so I may bite the bullet and bring it up myself if they won't.

I'm so tired but I don't know how to stop. I know it's dangerous to my mental health going through this over and over but I just think I'd never forgive myself if I gave up and if I can just keep pushing through it'll all be fine when I get there, if I ever do.

H wants me to see someone as he's worried about me, and he is right. I probably should, I've lost weight and struggle to sleep from thinking so much. I just can't picture it helping that much, not properly anyway. I honestly don't think I can be satisfied with life as it is now no matter how many therapists I see. Maybe I'm being dramatic, I don't know but I feel like the only thing that will help me is to have a baby.

@Shelby2010, sadly the fact her OH has children already means that they are unlikely to get funding even though the issue is genetic and with OP. Very unfair, but that's how it is.

The likelihood that with a 50/50 change, you 'picked' the wrong 50 7 times is quite low. Not impossible but low, so if I were you, I would definitely explore the possibity of something else preventing you to keep the pregnancy. Were they all early miscarriages?

& no affected child from that relationship

Do they not take into account H's children from his previous relationship? I thought they did.

You need to stop and give your body a rest . You had 7 and you’ll keep trying as soon as you stop bleeding? no offence but you should go and see your gp, this is transforming into an obsession

I can't find any more recent guidelines than 2013, but then if the IVF was for translocation reasons and all other criteria was met, then previous children were not taken into account - only children of the current relationship.

The likelihood that with a 50/50 change, you 'picked' the wrong 50 7 times is quite low. Not impossible but low, so if I were you, I would definitely explore the possibity of something else preventing you to keep the pregnancy. Were they all early miscarriages?

This is what worries me. Everyone I've spoken to with this condition has had a lot of miscarriages. Some more than me, but they all have had live births in-between.

My mother had 2 miscarriages, then me and then 6 miscarriages and gave up because she couldn't go through any more.

They are all early, around 6 weeks usually though I did get to 9 weeks once, thought I'd cracked it that time

this is transforming into an obsession

It is, I agree with you completely but I don't know what to do about that. I'll give my body a rest and be hating it the entire time, wishing I wasn't, thinking what if this month was the month it would have worked, and not be able to enjoy the 'break' at all.

I am so sorry for your loss and I hope one day soon your dreams will come true ... please look after yourself and don't go to work for a few days - try to rest. Have you spoken to a GP about how this is affecting you mentally also? It may be helpful to speak with someone qualified because to suffer such grief and trauma 7 times is a lot for anyone to bear .. take care love

Have you been given prices for IVF with the genetics by a clinic near you?

I've just asked for a free consultation at a clinic near us to find out costs. I'll also mention it to the hospital tomorrow.

Re their being another cause as well as the translocation, I don't know. I've had a lot of tests done, scans to check various things, I go in straight away every time I'm pregnant for blood tests etc ... It never comes back with anything and then one day it will just happen again. The only thing they have ever found is the translocation.

I will ask tomorrow though whether they think it could be something else in conjunction with the BT.

Re there**

I'm so sorry op. I know the awful feeling of being desperate for a child and it not happening. It's all consuming.

My best friend has just gone through this and decided enough was enough and this month they adopted a little girl they have been fostering.

It's not exactly how she saw it panning out but she is over the moon at being a mum - like she said, by hook or by crook she wanted a child. It was affecting her health the repeated MC and so they took the decision to foster and then adopt. It wasn't a quick process either.

I'm not saying this is what you should do but it suited her and her dh.

It does sound like you will qualify for 3 cycles of IVF PGD, so you need an IVF clinic that has a contract for this with NHS England. You can then choose which clinic you prefer.

onemorecake

Thank you x

H mentioned looking at adoption last night, but it's just not something I feel ready to even contemplate considering yet.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I had the power to make this happen for you. Sending love

H just took the kids out with the dog and they picked me some flowers and brought them up in a mug for the side of the bed (they think I don't feel well) they are good.

Thanks for all the well wishes. I need to work out what to do about tomorrow. I don't know if I can face work but how often can I expect their sympathy?

My heart goes out to you.

I know reassurances can sound hollow but being only 27 is on your side so take some time and explore the IVF options - fight for your rights. Don’t think of it as wasted time - think of it as rest and recovery for your body and mind so you are as strong as you can be.

Can you book any AL at short notice rather than go sick? Could you take a few days off with your partner and spend some time together?

I can't imagine your pain

But if you were my friend I would really urge you not to try again so quickly. You need to rest. Stress is has a negative effect on your body. Obviously work may not allow you but I would suggest a holiday and no trying for a while, at least several months then as pp said try NHS to see if you can be funded IVF.

I’m so sorry OP. You have every right to feel angry. I know a couple who did ‘embryo adoption’ in a similar situation but that wasn’t in this country.

Is it worth looking at the criteria in differerent NHS trusts and moving to one where you would be eligible?