To be so fucking mad and wonder what the point is

[Ohkayyy]

7th miscarriage happened last night.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm really struggling to keep it together.

I don't know how to carry on with normal life. I sit at work and think, I can't do this forever without a family. Just work, go home, sleep and back again.

I don't care about anything and hate myself and my body so much it makes me cry looking in a mirror. I feel pathetic and embarrassing. I don't want to be pitied by my friends and colleagues who are all moving on and having their children and leaving me behind.

DH has children already and I hate myself for thinking it but it makes me so jealous and lonely that we aren't facing the same future.

I don't know where to go from here. I am constantly being pushed back to square one, I just can't be satisfied with anything in my life. I have never felt so desperately miserable in my entire life.

Sorry for the rant

MirriVan, I know you're right in everything you say. I just can't picture being satisfied with my life without children. It might not be true, but it's how I feel right now. I can't see the point.

It's so so hard seeing H be a parent. I want to parent with him. To share that with him. It absolutely breaks my heart knowing he shares that with another woman and I may never be able to share it with him, the only person in the world I want to be able to. If I have to come to terms with life without my own children, it means coming to terms with the fact that H is not in the same position, that we aren't experiencing the same thing. I don't want him to be sad, I'm glad he has his kids but it kills me too at the same time.

It's not a race no, but it does feel like people 'move on' when they start their families.

Must be horrible op I'm sorry you have suffered so many miscarriages. Remember though there is more to life and even if it doesn't work out for you you are not a failure or defective in any way - you're saying you feel you should just pack up because you can't give your dp a child - in fact he already has kids so that is probably not such an issue for him.

Also having kids is not moving on in your life, being a mother doesn't mean a woman is more fulfilled or mature. It's just another part of life.

in fact he already has kids so that is probably not such an issue for him

It's more a selfish thing I guess.

It's hard dealing with the miscarriages. It's also hard being around children that are your partners when you're going through that. Watching him have cuddles, seeing how he looks at them, hearing them call him Daddy or shout that mummy's here when she picks them up. I just want someone to call me mummy.

It's an extra difficulty that I'm struggling with on top of everything else.

I don't need this to live, it's just something I desperately want. Is it rude to ask people to contribute to that

Not rude at all OP. Not rude in the slightest. I feel desperately for you.

Not rude, no. But not right either.

Sorry when I say move on, I meant that my friends who have had children have 'moved on' in the sense that they are at a different stage in their life. They meet up for playdates, talk about their children, aren't available as often to talk to or see etc...

You have a MEDICAL condition and the NHS is there to treat medical conditions!!!

Do NOT let anyone make you feel bad for that!

It boils my blood when I hear this- you pay tax as does the smoker who gets treatment for smoke related illness. No one begrudges or judges that!

It’s disgraceful how it’s a postcode lottery as it is. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for wanting a child of your own.

I do agree with there is a point where you need to assess when to stop but considering your age I would recommend looking at your options.

I looked at adoption but the process of feeling ‘judged’ wether suitable to be a parent, when those who conceive naturally due to not having a medical condition are not so scrutinised.

Please don’t be looking at that as a fall back option - adoption should be for people who want to adopt be it they can or can’t have children, not the fall back position of infertility.

Yep that is understandable, but remember your relationship is more that whether you can give him a child. It must be a huge strain on you mentally and physically to go through so many miscarriages, so might be a good idea to take a few months rest. Why do you feel life is not worth it without a child? That's worth looking into.

Why do you feel life is not worth it without a child?

I guess it's just always been something I wanted. I never for a second thought I would be able to have it. I've always pictured my life with children. I've always looked forward to it. I see how people judge women who can't or don't want to have children (wrongly) and it makes me so upset.

As I said, I never knew this would be a problem until I started trying. My mother never told me until the first miscarriage that her condition could have been passed to me. I knew she'd had a few but I had no idea of the extent or what condition she had. They had offered to test me when I was a child but her and my father didn't want to (which is fine), but they never told me it could affect me until it did so it was like a brick wall falling on top of me, everything I thought I would have, I was told I might not in one conversation. I didn't have any time to contemplate it before we started trying.

Wouldn't be able to have it*

No blame on my mother by the way, she feels incredibly guilty (which she shouldn't) and is so upset this happening to me.

I just mean this was a huge shock.

Is there any chance you could get a bank loan to fund private treatment?
www.guysandstthomas.nhs.uk/our-services/pgd/about-us/welcome.aspx

status anxiety and envy

I don't disagree at all. I am envious. I am jealous of people who have babies no problem. I am jealous that my H has children and my friends too. I'm not proud of it and I agree it isn't good. I think most people struggling with infertility feel envious of people who have children. I'm not sure how to switch that off.

I've told H I'll look at speaking to someone so I can get all of this out.

Definitely take some time off tomorrow as sick, don't have to tell the truth as such but you need a few days. And the truth is you aren't fit to work.

Ive been where you are and sitting at work whilst everyone talks about their weekend, and the mundane things, whilst your dying inside is far from good for you. I remember walking out for lunch that day and crying the second my foot left the building.

Sorry if I'm using you all as a rant sounding board. It feels really good to get all the angry, sometimes silly, things I'm feeling out.

no offence but you should go and see your gp, this is transforming into an obsession

Such a crass unkind thing to say above by someone who clearly doesn't get it. Having a miscarriage especially multiple does make you obsessed! You see pregnant women and babies everywhere. OP: see if you can get talk therapy with a pregnancy specific counselling service, your GP might be able to help. It's so helpful to talk to someone neutral about all the irrational and rational emotional thoughts.

I’m so sorry OP. You mustn’t ever feel bad for posting on here; that’s what the site is for. Life can be a fucking bastard sometimes.

Do you think it would help if your GP could prescribe some counselling for you? It might help just to have someone to talk to about everything you’re going through?

I've nothing useful to add but I'm sorry, I hope you soon have the baby you yearn for.

MirriVan, yes you're right. I need to work on that. It's hard not to see it as something, a stage in life that I'm failing at.

I will try and find someone to speak too via the GP.

Work is a big worry. I have to go to the hospital often because of this, I've had time off for miscarriages, I don't know if I can add time off for therapy to that list.

It's so hard trying to balance this whole thing with every day life and the amount of appointments involved in all this. Sometimes I think it would just be easier if I left my job (I won't and I can't but it would be bloody easier with the appointments).

Ohkayyy 🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾, be gentle with yourself..

An employer can not discriminate and you don’t have to tell them just that your having medical treatment.

OP MirriVan has an ideological position where she believes having children is immoral which she has expounded on many times on these boards - you shouldn't listen to what she says on this subject as she is both working an angle and lacking in understanding on the impulse to procreate. You want to have children desperately because that is a completely natural and instinctive thing to want (although not all do) - not because you want to keep up with the Joneses, ffs. No-one would put themselves through SEVEN miscarriages because of "status anxiety" and it is massively offensive of her to suggest it. Please don't let people demean your feelings and your grief like this. Boils my piss on your behalf, it really does.

I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope that you have your child one day, be it by a lucky chance conception, IVF, or eventually coming to terms with the idea of adopting. I definitely think you should give your body a chance to recover and do whatever you need to to preserve your sanity as you go through this ordeal - take some time off, take a holiday, get away from your partner's children (much though you love them) for s while. Just prioritise yourself for a bit, practice every kind of self care you can. You are young, there are still avenues you can explore. Very best of luck to you xxx