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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To be annoyed by anti-Alabama posts?

999 replies

Bere111 · 19/05/2019 10:41

For context, I’m not prolife or pro choice...i wouldn’t have an abortion myself but I know that largely because I’ve never been in those desperate circumstances, so equally would never judge someone who had.
But all the anti-Alabama posts I’ve seen this week by women in the UK I find pretty ill informed.
For example, most not knowing it is still banned in Northern Ireland- part of the UK.
Also, people saying it’s ‘healthcare’ - I don’t believe this is true. I think it should be a crisis service, and making it sound routine trivialises it for me.
People saying it’s a women choice...again I don’t really think this is right. It’s a women choice to get pregnant or not get pregnant of course, but unless that girl or women fell pregnant through no choice of their own (in which can of course she should have access to abortion) I’m not sure once she’s actually pregnant she should then just be free to opt in or opt out.
I fell pregnant by accident with ds1, I was very newly married, had a well paid job and owned a house but was younger then I’d planned to be (27)- yet I had 3 people ask ‘god, what are you going to do???’ Which I found bizarre.
Most people’s opinion of abortion (including mine!) is formed on the fact that for those that are victims of rape or incest, or the health of the mother or baby is in question, or for example the mother is under 18 or even under 21, the time they need to have a safe solution to deal with an unplanned pregnancy.
However, I know that only about 3% of abortion happen for the reason above. The rest the nhs classify as lifestyle factors.
I’m sure many women may be masking issues by telling the motivating reason for the termination is just a lifestyle factor, but even so I still think many, many abortion take place because of poor planning and poor timing.
I’ve had 2 close friends have terminations in our late 20s, both of which went on to have children with the same partner a few years later. Although I supported their choice, I didn’t really understand it. They were both preoccupied with the idea that the timing wasn’t right- even though they wanted children and wanted children with the current partners.
I think we put far to much pressure of ourselves that we have to do things in the right order- so then when a pregnancy comes along that wasn’t on the timeline, we freak out- even if we are perfectly capable of parenting at that time.
I also think something most be going wrong with how we are approaching contraception, especially as the fastest growing segment of women needing abortion are 30+ and have ahead previous abortions. Can women not access contraception easily or could giving more education around ovulation cycles help this (this is pretty common place in countries like Germany from secondary school age, and women generally avoid sex when they’re ovulating- even when using another form of contraception)
I guess all in all I think it’s a really complex matter- and I don’t think we have it totally right in this country, and I find it a trivialisation to see my friends sharing handmaid tale’s pictures with ‘my body my choice’ tag lines...surely when a matter really is life or death, we shouldn’t simplify it as a women’s prerogative?
Or AIBU?

OP posts:
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BogglesGoggles · 19/05/2019 11:10

I actually agree with you quite a bit in that it is weird how obsessed people are with having children at a specific point in their live and so on but I don’t see how any of that is relevant to what’s going on in Alabama. A lot of the situations where you seem to think abortion makes sense wouldn’t be eligible for abortion under the new laws.

Stifledlife · 19/05/2019 11:10

What you are advocating is giving the government the right to decide when and how you procreate.
A contraception failure occurs and you are doomed for the next 2 decades to take responsibility for that failure.

It means a woman who doesn't want children can be "tricked" by a husband that does.

It is one of the most basic human rights to have control over your own body.

This is a situation no man can ever come close to fully understanding, and yet they have decided for all those poor little women out there who clearly don't understand how it's going to be, so they don't have to worry their pretty little heads about it any more.

Boy are YBU!

crazyasafox · 19/05/2019 11:10
Biscuit
EveWasShamed · 19/05/2019 11:10

OP you’re the same age as me but you sound very young. YABU

Sniv · 19/05/2019 11:10

Why are 'lifestyle factors' not valid reasons for an abortion? They're not lifestyle choices in the sense of which car to buy, but lifestyle in the sense of jobs, finances, physical and mental health, relationships, ability to meet other commitments, and so on. 'Lifestyle' includes big, fundamental stuff.

Not only that, they are 'lifestyle factors' for the potential child as well - how it will be cared for, who by, whether it grows up in poverty, whether it grows up in a stable family environment, whether it has carers with the time, energy and resources to give it the best chance in life.

'lifestyle factors' are important.

Dora26 · 19/05/2019 11:10

Coming from Ireland where we had been dominated by a misogynistic abusive Catholic Church until a 2 recent referenda to allow gay marriage and abortion. We fought hard and won the right to CHOOSE. May I never be in that position but now no woman has to carry an unwanted pregnancy. I cried tears over Alabama and what seems to be the imminent demise of Roe vs Wade. Yes it is “My body, my choice”. I have a severe invisible hereditary life limiting condition and wouldnt have a second thought if I got pregnant - no contraceptive is 100%. Wake up OP!!

BogglesGoggles · 19/05/2019 11:11

@RattyTat really? Rape seems a lot worse. Maybe it’s better to just say that not allowing abortion is terrible without minimising rape.

PCohle · 19/05/2019 11:11

Yes, women can choose to use contraception, but contraception fails. You think you'd realise given it happened to you. You were fortunately in a position where you could comfortably raise the ensuing child, but what if you hadn't been?

Duster12 · 19/05/2019 11:11

Bye Felicia

QueenOfIce · 19/05/2019 11:12

YABU! It's a woman's right what she does with HER body. She isn't an incubator. How dare anyone tell a person what they can and cannot do with their own bodies and quite frankly it has absolutely nothing to do with you should a woman make the choice to terminate.

Views like yours are the reasons why these ridiculous laws exist. Get your nose out of others business and concentrate on your life of privilege.

Floopily · 19/05/2019 11:12

YABU. Every child should be wanted. I terminated a few years ago and my circumstances were by no means 'desperate'. My decision was based more around the impact on the child than on me; if I terminated and it screwed me up, it is only my life and mental health I'm affecting. If I'd chosen to go ahead, it was quite likely I'd have been a terrible mother and totally fucked up my child in the process. I chose the less risky option, for me and the child that didn't actually exist yet. Others might have acted differently in the same circumstances but that's the whole point of choice and personal freedom.

Everyone has their reasons, some women will be devastated they have to terminate simply because of where their life is at and that it is not right to bring a child into it. Others will think nothing more of it than a minor medical procedure. But every termination is because a woman does not want, or cannot have right now, a baby. And that is entirely her choice, it's not for anyone to tell her whether her reasons are good or valid enough.

RattyTat · 19/05/2019 11:13

I have fertility issues. I'd love a child but the thought of being forced to continue a pregnancy makes me utterly ill. If I think about it I genuinely panic and feel like ripping my womb out. It's the ultimate violation.

RedForShort · 19/05/2019 11:13

You had the choice, the fact that you wouldn't have ever opted to have an abortion is unimportant because abortion law isn't just written to suit you.

An abortion ban isn't just about termination pregnancies. It effects women's health too. There's an awful lot of women in Ireland who were affected, and they weren't even wanting to abort. Women die because of the law.

MeatballSub · 19/05/2019 11:13

So you want to make the judgement on when and Gowan’s whether other women can terminate a pregnancy? They have to be in ‘crisis’ etc? And it has to fit in with what makes YOU feel comfortable? Or to be clear, in the case of Alabama, to what a group of extremely right wing, religious men are comfortable with?

YABVU.

MeatballSub · 19/05/2019 11:13

Gowan’s = how

GabsAlot · 19/05/2019 11:13

Of course the woman has a choice you youre pro choice but youre clearly not

Having a baby when youre not ready/cant cope is selfish or areyou goin g to take al these children in

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 19/05/2019 11:14

Go boil your head, OP. You’re oblivious to the misery that these laws cause women. You’re perhaps ignorant of the fact that in the UK we do not have abortion on demand, you still have to convince two doctors your pregnancy would have a negative impact on your physical or mental health. (Fortunately most doctors have a modicum of sense and humanity.) I expect that you’re completely ignorant of the fact that abortion in Germany is not legal, just decriminalised before week 12, that counselling is mandatory, and in some areas it is extremely hard to locate doctors providing abortion services, because it is illegal to provide this information publicly. Get off your sanctimonious high horse and have a thought about what women go through when they are pregnant and do not want to be, for whatever reason.

Illberidingshotgun · 19/05/2019 11:14

YABVU. Whilst personally I don't feel abortion would ever be a choice for me, those are my own personal thoughts and beliefs and I absolutely defend the right for every woman in this country and in this world to be able to make that choice herself and have free, prompt and safe access to that procedure whenever needed.

Do we really want to go back to the days of illegal abortions for those women who do not fit strict criteria? (under 18/21, health of mother or baby in danger etc). I don't.

teyem · 19/05/2019 11:15

Jesus, you've got a lot of hurt feelings for someone who seems gleefully prepared to launch into a critical analysis of other people's decisions and life choices based on their own metric of priorities ❄️

RattyTat · 19/05/2019 11:15

And I'm not minimising rape, but forcing women to continue a pregnancy against their will is easily every bit as terrible. I see it as just another form if I'm honest, and the manner in which the pregnancy was conceived makes no difference. It's utterly inhumane.

Wheresthebeach · 19/05/2019 11:15

Of course you’re being unreasonable. And I expect goady for the fun of it. The Alabama laws are abhorrent and women have the right to express their views.

ispepsiok · 19/05/2019 11:16

You think it's okay to pass judgement on here, a website mainly aimed at women (it's in the name) where there are undoubtedly women who have undergone abortions for their own reasons, none of which are any of your business?

clairemcnam · 19/05/2019 11:16

I always find the idea that a woman should be forced to birth and bring up a child a bizarre one. You really think it is going to be good for a child to be brought up by a mother that did not want the child?
I think every child should be wanted. I think every child deserves to be wanted.

Helmetbymidnight · 19/05/2019 11:17

urgh, I don't like women like you, op.

NoBaggyPants · 19/05/2019 11:17

Read these comments from Republicans on rape and then tell us Gilead isn't an appropriate comparator?

www.snopes.com/fact-check/personal-foul/

The more you post, the more small minded you come across. "Well that's not how it happened in my tiny microcosm..."