Husband not happy I earned more

[rolex142]

So as the title says my husband keeps bringing up the fact I earned 7k more than him last year as he states he hasn't seen a penny of it. I earn about 2k more than him a year but was offered lots of overtime when we wasn't bringing this to 7/8k. He knows this as he asked for my P60 and compared both. He has frequently called me tight despite me paying for everything that we all need. I know how much it would stress him out and piss him off I was to expect him to buy the baby clothes.

We share a house and have a 2yo. We pay the same amount in to a joint account to pay the joint bills for the house. Everything else we pay out our own accounts. We do this because in the past he has been quite reckless with money and when we had a joint account (it was actually his account where I paid my wages and had no card) he spent a lot of money on rubbish and we were pretty skint.

We both had debt when we met, he had 30k+ on credit cards and nothing to show for it. He worked 2 jobs to pay them off and we vowed never to have bad debt again.

A few years later he increased the joint loan we had without my knowledge or consent. It was to pay for my surprise birthday trip away, I wasn't happy about it but was told I was ruining things by getting hung up on it.

Fast forward to today. He doesn't get offered much overtime but will work it when he does. I get offered a lot and he encourages me to work it but I'd much prefer to be at home on the weekends.

I pay for Xmas, birthdays, clothes, most days out, home furnishings and all the food throughout the month. He pays for petrol and the rest of his money is his own. He has paid for a holiday he was desperate for us to go on, I have agreed to cover the spending money and on the months he had to make an instalment I have paid for pretty much everything that month.

He brings up money all the time and his latest comment of you earn more and Iv not seen a penny really cut me, I don't have a secret stash of cash (like he suspects I do) I don't buy myself very much and shop in primark when I do. I have no hobbies and I am very low maintenance, haven't been near a hairdresser or beautician in months. I never discuss money and I live frugally, like to get a bargain and I'm not reckless with cash so I'm also intrigued as to where this extra 7k went but I know that it has just been used to live, we eat (and waste) a lot of food and I'm never out the supermarket. I can count on one hand the nights out Iv had in the last year and he knows all this so who is really being unreasonable here?

He wants a joint account with all the money going in to it, I don't as I know it will end up with him spending most of it. He says he has changed but I don't really want to take the chance as I don't believe it. This month all Iv heard is how skint he is so he took my card to pay for petrol and he cracked up as it was declined. I had no idea how much money was in my bank and moved some savings in to pay for the petrol but he cracked up about how I should have known and seems indignant that I didn't have money when he has paid £800 to the holiday this month (he has not saved any money for the holiday so had to use it all out of one pay).

Sorry I have totally waffled on here, I'm so hurt by it all. We have had a really rough year and split up a few times. I'm starting to realise that all his issues are coming from money and i just don't get it as I buy everything he needs and he is more than happy for me to earn more. He says it doesn't bother him and he wished I earned much more as he has no ambition to get promotion but knows I do.

[KTheGrey]

I would take the forgery to the police; he is dangerous to your welfare and your child's. And get the hell out of Dodge asap.

[SunshineCake]

Bollocks he is shy and not confident. As I said before about sensitive types being so sensitive people can't pull them up on their behaviour as they get upset but are too insensitive to see their actions hurting others. Your husband pretends he is shy etc so that he can get away with shitty behaviour.

Bottom line he is taking you for a mug and neglecting his child. You need to leave. If you won't leave, stop moaning.

I hope you leave. You'll cope a lot better without him than he will without you.

[pallisers]

He brings up money all the time and his latest comment of you earn more and Iv not seen a penny really cut me

It should make you laugh (a bitter laugh) as he has seen plenty of your pennies as you bankroll him with food, extras, and child-related expenses.

And as for cocky and arrogant (and freeloading and whining) being a front for shy and and not confident ... well maybe. shy and not confident people can be freeloading assholes too.

Do you really want to be with him?

[CasperGutman]

Your problem isn't that he's upset, it's that he's jealous and being a dick about it.

Some people have more luck than others in their careers. Some people compromise in their work lives for the greater good of their families.

I moved to be nearer my wife's family in an area that isn't great for my work, took time out to stay home with children, made a career change to be able to look after them more, and it didn't work out very well.

Now I don't earn enough to pay my wife's tax bill. I'm not a knob about it, though. I count my blessings, and we collectively live within our means.

[rolex142]

A few of you have asked what I'm getting out of this relationship and Iv drawn a blank. I'm not getting much. I want to confront him about this but I know he won't take it well. This sounds so stupid. What am I meant to be getting out of it??

He's good at turning the tables on me and will say what does he get out of it. Does keeping a nice house and cooking dinner count?! I don't know what I give to him other than that? I suppose I support him, Iv been dieting with him and try to encourage him to exercise and I organise things for us to do as a family but other than that??

Someone's asked if he was a good dad. He loves his son and pulls his weight when it comes to looking after him on his own but seriously struggles if I don't prepare food or buy things and tell him what to feed him. He has never cut his nails and up until a few months ago wasn't brushing his teeth on his mornings with him. He cant be bothered to wash him or feed him properly in the morning too as he will just get dirty and fed at nursery apparently. This horrifies me as I have such high standards and I'm a perfectionist in most things.

He doesn't like being told or asked to do something. I think he has power issues as he told me that I did as I was always bossing him around but asking someone to clean their shit off the toilet or flush after they have peed and making them do it isn't power is it? It's treating him like the child he is coz he never stops doing things Iv asked him not to. I feel like tearing my hair out. It's just disrespectful and it's like he's playing some sort of game.

[Cherrysoup]

I pay for Xmas, birthdays, clothes, most days out, home furnishings and all the food throughout the month. He pays for petrol and the rest of his money is his own. He has paid for a holiday he was desperate for us to go on, I have agreed to cover the spending money and on the months he had to make an instalment I have paid for pretty much everything that month.

Tell him this, it’s where your extra £7k has gone. The guy’s an idiot. He resents spending money on his own child’s clothes?! He can’t cope with paying for a holiday without keeping to his other (minor) commitments? Useless. Get rid, he sounds foul to you.

[pallisers]

Someone's asked if he was a good dad. He loves his son and pulls his weight when it comes to looking after him on his own but seriously struggles if I don't prepare food or buy things and tell him what to feed him. He has never cut his nails and up until a few months ago wasn't brushing his teeth on his mornings with him. He cant be bothered to wash him or feed him properly in the morning too as he will just get dirty and fed at nursery apparently. This horrifies me as I have such high standards and I'm a perfectionist in most things.

No he doesn't pull his weight in looking after him. Relationships are supposed to make your life better. You could do so much better on your own.

[LizzieBananas]

I suspect he thinks you are spending your “extra” money on legal advice. Do that!

[Allergictoironing]

What does he get out of it?

Well to start with, a decent roof over his head compared to what he could afford if single.
All his "boring" (i.e. necessary) shopping done for him, and paid for.
All his cooking, cleaning & washing done for him.
Free sex
Ability to pick up his child when he wants, & give it back when there's stuff he doesn't want to do
Someone to manage household bills so he doesn't have to bother.

And in return you get???

[elsabadogigante]

He's not a 'good dad'.

[SalemShadow]

He has 100% got hidden debt

[cochineal7]

A good dad is someone who parents his child appropriately- and that would definitely include feeding and basic hygiene and making sure they are clothed. Just being nice when hanging out socially does not make a good dad. And in your heart of hearts you know this. And the finances: like others I suspect he has run up debts somewhere. Do not get a joint account, you will regret it. Get your ducks in a row.

[theWarOnPeace]

He doesn’t pull his weight, he sounds like an absolute cunt. I wish I could tell him so.

[mineofuselessinformation]

'He doesn't like being told or asked to do something.'
That's scary to read.
He's quite happy to manipulate you, but doesn't allow you to have a say in what happens, and it sounds rather like he will only do anything on his terms.
He's not such a wonderful father either.
He might love his son, but doesn't want to do any of the hard graft associated with being a parent.
Ask yourself a some questions:
How many more years do you want to spend investing in this situation if nothing changes?
Do you honestly think he will / can change?
Do you think he respects you and loves you as the mother of his child and his partner?
Time for some hard thinking I think.

[TeaForDad]

You don't need to debate him, I know people can turn the tables if you engage.
Get your stuff together and tell him it's over. You don't love him anymore and you & DC still be happier without him.

[pallisers]

He has 100% got hidden debt

you know I think this is spot on. He is scrounging for a lump sum. Hoping he can guilt you into saying "ok I'll tranfer 2,000 to you to make up for it" because he has debt you don't know about. This guy is red flag city.

[StCharlotte]

He says he has changed but I don't really want to take the chance as I don't believe it.

Sad to say, as an inveterate spendthrift myself (to my shame), you're right not to believe him.

[SandyY2K]

If my H forged my signature for a loan, unless it was a life or death situation, he'd be my Ex and I'd report him for fraud.

He sounds like a waste of time and space tbh. I couldn't be with a man like that.

[NotBeingRobbed]

I totally understand how you are trapped in this situation. He loved your child, you love him and you can’t see the point in ripping everything apart. But he is stealing from you and your child. If you don’t do anything now it will all be worse later. I’m so sorry for you. I’ve been there.

[HillRunner]

You don't need to debate him about this. You don't need argue the toss about who is getting least from the relationship.

You have the right to leave him without any debate at all, just because you are unhappy with his behaviour.

I agree with pp that it sounds like he has secret debt. Knowing about each other's finances is normal imo (DH and I are totally transparent with each other about money as it enable us to budget accurately), but what he's doing is not.

[rolex142]

Well this morning he has been in another foul mood and I tried to straighten a few things out with him on the drive to work. I was to stop talking and he turned the radio up. I actually laughed as it was ridiculous and he didn't like that. Said he hopes I would be laughing when I move back to my mothers in my home country..... asked him about the counselling he was to arrange and he said he wouldn't be going and was effectively ending the relationship. Said he will be doing what he can to stop my son moving to another country within the UK. This happens every so often and it's the same fight all the time.

[NotBeingRobbed]

Oh God, this is how he is controlling you! It is so easy for all the other PPs to say leave but the trouble is he will have parental rights over your child and also a claim on 50% of any equity - if there is any left. It is so hard to get out of a situation like this. I was trapped for a long time because I did not dare run the risk of losing the kids. In the end he abandoned them anyway. Can you ask Women’s Aid for advice? Your situation is akin to modern slavery. And the trouble is the law will back him! He has a “right” to 50:50 care of your child. A quick browse of the divorce board will prove how hard it is to escape. Its insidious.

My ex used to turn it around and say that I was being sexist towards him because in the reverse situation it is totally normal for a husband to support a wife. He claimed it was around that I was complaining just because I was a wife subsidising a husband. In other words he exploited my feminist beliefs and I fell for it!! He was also so touchy if I tried to raise the subject of finances.

I think you do need legal advice. From what you say about caring for DS he is neglecting him - not washing him, feeding him etc. If you possible can work out how to get out and take your DS with you. Beware though, he will have a claim even on 50% of the running away money. Sorry I can’t be more encouraging.

[NotBeingRobbed]

FWIW I don’t think he is that bothered about the kid if he isn’t bothering to feed, wash or clothe him. It might just be best to get out and take him with you. You know you can afford to support yourself and a child because you are already supporting three people!

[Horsemenoftheaclopalypse]

was effectively ending the relationship

Good!
You should stay broken up this time...

[fedup21]

Why is he assuming that you’ll be moving out of the family home?