Husband not happy I earned more

[rolex142]

So as the title says my husband keeps bringing up the fact I earned 7k more than him last year as he states he hasn't seen a penny of it. I earn about 2k more than him a year but was offered lots of overtime when we wasn't bringing this to 7/8k. He knows this as he asked for my P60 and compared both. He has frequently called me tight despite me paying for everything that we all need. I know how much it would stress him out and piss him off I was to expect him to buy the baby clothes.

We share a house and have a 2yo. We pay the same amount in to a joint account to pay the joint bills for the house. Everything else we pay out our own accounts. We do this because in the past he has been quite reckless with money and when we had a joint account (it was actually his account where I paid my wages and had no card) he spent a lot of money on rubbish and we were pretty skint.

We both had debt when we met, he had 30k+ on credit cards and nothing to show for it. He worked 2 jobs to pay them off and we vowed never to have bad debt again.

A few years later he increased the joint loan we had without my knowledge or consent. It was to pay for my surprise birthday trip away, I wasn't happy about it but was told I was ruining things by getting hung up on it.

Fast forward to today. He doesn't get offered much overtime but will work it when he does. I get offered a lot and he encourages me to work it but I'd much prefer to be at home on the weekends.

I pay for Xmas, birthdays, clothes, most days out, home furnishings and all the food throughout the month. He pays for petrol and the rest of his money is his own. He has paid for a holiday he was desperate for us to go on, I have agreed to cover the spending money and on the months he had to make an instalment I have paid for pretty much everything that month.

He brings up money all the time and his latest comment of you earn more and Iv not seen a penny really cut me, I don't have a secret stash of cash (like he suspects I do) I don't buy myself very much and shop in primark when I do. I have no hobbies and I am very low maintenance, haven't been near a hairdresser or beautician in months. I never discuss money and I live frugally, like to get a bargain and I'm not reckless with cash so I'm also intrigued as to where this extra 7k went but I know that it has just been used to live, we eat (and waste) a lot of food and I'm never out the supermarket. I can count on one hand the nights out Iv had in the last year and he knows all this so who is really being unreasonable here?

He wants a joint account with all the money going in to it, I don't as I know it will end up with him spending most of it. He says he has changed but I don't really want to take the chance as I don't believe it. This month all Iv heard is how skint he is so he took my card to pay for petrol and he cracked up as it was declined. I had no idea how much money was in my bank and moved some savings in to pay for the petrol but he cracked up about how I should have known and seems indignant that I didn't have money when he has paid £800 to the holiday this month (he has not saved any money for the holiday so had to use it all out of one pay).

Sorry I have totally waffled on here, I'm so hurt by it all. We have had a really rough year and split up a few times. I'm starting to realise that all his issues are coming from money and i just don't get it as I buy everything he needs and he is more than happy for me to earn more. He says it doesn't bother him and he wished I earned much more as he has no ambition to get promotion but knows I do.

[LakieLady]

I agree that you should get legal advice, OP. I really wouldn't put it past him to fraudulently extend the mortgage or take out other credit in joint names, he's done it twice already. An adverse credit history could make it very difficult for you to rent or buy a home.

You're being financially and emotionally abused.

If he accepts that the marriage is over (which he appears to) is there anyway that he'd be persuaded to move out? Eg, in exchange for you not reporting the fraud?

[LakieLady]

Why is he assuming that you’ll be moving out of the family home?

Presumably because he won't be going anywhere, the bastard. My ex refused to move out (house was mine long before we married) and I went through 5 years of hell.

If I'd realised it was going to take 5 years, I'd have moved out myself and rented somewhere.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I don't think he means it. I think he's noticed you're starting to realise what's going on and he's blindsiding you by threatening to end it. You're supposed to weep, wail and hang onto his knees at this point. Don't.

You know, don't you, that however you arrange your income and expenditure he will never "see sense" because he does not want to see sense. He will let it run into the ground again and will expect you to pull the family out of the mess again, as you've done it before. And you'll do it again and again, working harder and harder, seeing less and less of your own child. I've been there, can you tell?

[Figgygal]

He gets worse with every update
Can you go and see a solicitor to work out your options you've split up three times already just make sure the next one is the last one

[NotBeingRobbed]

Going to see a solicitor sounds so drastic and it will be expensive but the trouble is he will go on and on leeching off you. You will have to sort this out eventually and the longer it goes on the more it will cost you.

[Hanab]

Red flags!
He is probably in debt or wanting something and seeing that you earned more there are ££ signs in his eyes and is trying to guilt trip you into giving him access to that money .. safe guard yourself

[Missingstreetlife]

Legal advice, sexist, maybe racist. User.
Unless you can think of a reason to stay together start getting your affairs in order. Forgery is an offence,get legal advice about that as well. Don't change your financial arrangements to his benefit.
Get him out before he does any more damage. He could make it hard for you to take your child abroad (see Hague convention) but you can stay here, work and get housing. You may be better off. Good luck

[NotBeingRobbed]

Just read OP’s last post again. It’s another country WITHIN the U.K. Scotland, Wales, N.I? Just go now. Get away.

[Keewro]

Not really got any advise but sounds to me he is bad with money and you are wise to split the Bill's and have your own separate money.
My partner earns more than me to, nearly double in fact, I earn 25k and he 47k, and it doesnt bother me in the slightest, all our money goes in one pot, certain amount gets transferred over to " bill bank" each week, wham bam super simple.

[rolex142]

I don't want to walk away from my job and I can't travel to it. I've taken time off work to apply for as many jobs as I can and will a long term exit plan and I will start stashing every bit of overtime I get. I only wish I had the 7k he thought I did

[rolex142]

And after this mornings outburst the then demanded I hand over half the holiday he has paid for. I said in that case I'll have half the money I'm due, for Xmas, birthdays, monthly expenses. He thinks this is less than the £900 I 'owe' him.

[SunshineCake]

He know it isn't. He's just trying to bully you.

[NotBeingRobbed]

It’s controlling again. Maybe you can calculate the cost of food, baby clothes and all the other stuff you buy for him and present him with a bill for that!!

[rolex142]

I feel like why should I bother taking time out my day to justify things to him? I know where the money has gone and I have a clear conscious about it and if I have to justify this to him when will he stop expecting that??

But then I feel like I'm not being fair by not showing him and maybe he does feel like he has the raw deal coz he is stupid and it's not his fault he is stupid??! I'm totally conflicted I don't know what to do and how bothered I can be to chat sensibly to a man that thinks it's ok to say he's never hated me more and gets the 'red mist' when he's in a temper that can stay for days

[Whisky2014]

There's no point. This man will try and take everything you work for. He is being entitled. Get rid of him.

And has he been open and honest with you re. his money? No? Thought not.

Don't be weak!

[Belenus]

OP when I think about what a marriage should be, I think about love, partnership, companionship and respect. I know it's not all hearts and roses and I know there's work involved but on the whole it should be positive. I'm sorry but it doesn't sound as if your marriage really involves these things. It seems like a continual struggle. You deserve better.

[NotBeingRobbed]

He doesn’t sound much like good company.

If you do divorce then you have to list all your financial affairs in great detail. Sadly the more sensible and responsible you are the more he may take off you. This is why being married to a man who is financially irresponsible is a terrible terrible deal.

I totally understand that it’s almost impossible to up and leave. You have a job and a child and a home you don’t want to tear apart. It’s why women are trapped in terrible situations. I was.

[Acis]

I think there may be a very definite advantage in presenting him with figures that completely pull the rug out from under him, if only because you’ll almost certainly have to do it sooner or later anyway.

[Exploration2018]

You don't have to go back to your mum's.you could keep your job and a) stay in your home, asking him to go. B)move out and rent? Do you have friends near by?

[Greyponcho]

He’s not stupid. He’s a manipulative shit trying to make you feel bad, and it seems he’s succeeding.
Don’t let him!

[theWarOnPeace]

This is all so awful. What is it going to take for you to realise that he’s a disgusting pig? You’re worrying about trivial explanations and arguments with him when the big news is that you are in a relationship with a nasty and abusive man. None of this other stuff matters. Seek legal advice immediately. Also, can you relive you were in another country when the mortgage was fraudulently signed? I would be having him done for fraud. Total waste of space he is. Can’t even look after his child.

[theWarOnPeace]

*prove, not relive!

[theWarOnPeace]

Also, as pp have said, it’s not automatic that YOU move out and end up leaving your home. Why do you think you’d have to go back to your mum’s? It sounds like you’re already supporting yourself and your child and he adds nothing really, so what’s the issue with losing your job and home?

[0nTheEdge]

I think he realises his control is slipping. He'll do this bully boy crap for a while and if that doesn't work I imagine he might turn on the charm? Or dump you and wait for you to come running to him like you have previously, which is him teaching you a lesson. Sorry if it sounds like I'm being mean, I don't intend it that way, I can just imagine how it goes as I had a couple of relationships like this. I had one who did the whole "that's it, I'm going" to make me cry and beg. I remember the look on his face the day I told him that was probably for the best and he didn't know what to do with himself! Ha! I realised he'd never had any intention of going any of the times. He was a bell end, and i'm sorry but it sounds like your husband is cut from the same cloth.

[CloudPop]

He asked to see your P60?!