Husband not happy I earned more

[rolex142]

So as the title says my husband keeps bringing up the fact I earned 7k more than him last year as he states he hasn't seen a penny of it. I earn about 2k more than him a year but was offered lots of overtime when we wasn't bringing this to 7/8k. He knows this as he asked for my P60 and compared both. He has frequently called me tight despite me paying for everything that we all need. I know how much it would stress him out and piss him off I was to expect him to buy the baby clothes.

We share a house and have a 2yo. We pay the same amount in to a joint account to pay the joint bills for the house. Everything else we pay out our own accounts. We do this because in the past he has been quite reckless with money and when we had a joint account (it was actually his account where I paid my wages and had no card) he spent a lot of money on rubbish and we were pretty skint.

We both had debt when we met, he had 30k+ on credit cards and nothing to show for it. He worked 2 jobs to pay them off and we vowed never to have bad debt again.

A few years later he increased the joint loan we had without my knowledge or consent. It was to pay for my surprise birthday trip away, I wasn't happy about it but was told I was ruining things by getting hung up on it.

Fast forward to today. He doesn't get offered much overtime but will work it when he does. I get offered a lot and he encourages me to work it but I'd much prefer to be at home on the weekends.

I pay for Xmas, birthdays, clothes, most days out, home furnishings and all the food throughout the month. He pays for petrol and the rest of his money is his own. He has paid for a holiday he was desperate for us to go on, I have agreed to cover the spending money and on the months he had to make an instalment I have paid for pretty much everything that month.

He brings up money all the time and his latest comment of you earn more and Iv not seen a penny really cut me, I don't have a secret stash of cash (like he suspects I do) I don't buy myself very much and shop in primark when I do. I have no hobbies and I am very low maintenance, haven't been near a hairdresser or beautician in months. I never discuss money and I live frugally, like to get a bargain and I'm not reckless with cash so I'm also intrigued as to where this extra 7k went but I know that it has just been used to live, we eat (and waste) a lot of food and I'm never out the supermarket. I can count on one hand the nights out Iv had in the last year and he knows all this so who is really being unreasonable here?

He wants a joint account with all the money going in to it, I don't as I know it will end up with him spending most of it. He says he has changed but I don't really want to take the chance as I don't believe it. This month all Iv heard is how skint he is so he took my card to pay for petrol and he cracked up as it was declined. I had no idea how much money was in my bank and moved some savings in to pay for the petrol but he cracked up about how I should have known and seems indignant that I didn't have money when he has paid £800 to the holiday this month (he has not saved any money for the holiday so had to use it all out of one pay).

Sorry I have totally waffled on here, I'm so hurt by it all. We have had a really rough year and split up a few times. I'm starting to realise that all his issues are coming from money and i just don't get it as I buy everything he needs and he is more than happy for me to earn more. He says it doesn't bother him and he wished I earned much more as he has no ambition to get promotion but knows I do.

[cuppycakey]

I pay for Xmas, birthdays, clothes, most days out, home furnishings and all the food throughout the month. He pays for petrol and the rest of his money is his own.

Read that back to yourself. He is taking the piss.

I would very quietly make an exit plan to leave within two weeks. Do not tell him as he could try to stop you taking DC.

I would invent some emergency you have to come home for and then stay.

[Ruru8thestars]

Ltb

[HollowTalk]

If there is no equity in the house I would turn him in to the mortgage company. You can prove you were out of the country at the time.

I'd also turn him in to the loan company. How dare he forge your signature on a loan?

OP, you HAVE to raise your standards. This guy is financially abusive in so many ways.

Where is your home country?

[crimsonlake]

These types of posts always start off one way and gradually it all comes tumbling out.
I cannot believe I have just read he forged your signature on mortgage documents and you have knowingly stood by him. This is fraud and if it is uncovered you will also be held accountable.
How bad do things need to be before you wake up and leave?

[Singlenotsingle]

And who's to say he won't do it again?

[Belenus]

while things aren't great they aren't really really awful. Generally we live happily enough then have a fight then back to happy-ish. I don't want to be in my late 30s living in my mums spare room with a toddler. No job, no friends, no life.

Sorry OP but things do sound awful for you. If you leave and live with your mum for a bit things will be tough but they will get much, much better. If you stay where you are things will get worse.

My mum is in her mid 70s and she still works really hard. My dad sits around all day and drinks and my mum pays for it. She just accepts this because she cannot see a way to leave. The stress has made my mum seriously ill. Dad will often run up debts just by being feckless and drinking. When I was in my teens he forged my signature on an insurance policy that was meant to mature for me when I was 21 and cashed it in for himself. My parents have had to sell up and downsize twice because of his spending. He keeps doing it. People like this do not change in my experience

[JaneEyre07]

Your thread makes a really sad read OP.

Stop making excuses for the poor excuse for a human being he is. Seriously. And stop being his doormat.

You are an adult with a child. Stop putting off the inevitable and start living your life before its too late.

[MardyLardy]

You are worrying about this instead of worrying about the real issue. This man who lives like a pig, expects you to work when you don’t want to, expects to spend more and live without responsibility whilst financially abusing you is not a good man. Why are you with him? What is the point... h less you make each other better and want to put each other first you are better separate.
I would do the freedom programme - I bet it would open your eyes further.

[LordNibbler]

Have you checked your credit score yet? I really think you should. And probably check his too. I suspect you're in for a rather nasty surprise.

[Purpleneonpinkunicorns]

Please check both your credit scores to see if he has taken anything out on either of you.

And please go and speak to a solicitor as soon as you can as he can't be trusted.

Moving in with your mum for a while won't be bad OP and you can make yourself a happy life and won't have to worry about him spending all the money or getting you more debt.

[IwantedtobeEmmaPeel]

God, I've just caught up with your posts about him forging your signature. You cannot trust this man Op. Better to go through a tough year or two and then come out the other end free of this leech.

Think of the long game and what sort of future you want for you and your child. Think of being able to live managing your own finances without worrying about debt or having to constantly hand over your hard-earned cash. Think of being able to not constantly working weekends because someone else tells you to. You will be so much better off without this bloodsucker.

[supersop60]

What stands out to me is that you split up several times. Money issues aside - that's not a good sign for a happy future.
DO NOT give him any more money.

[rolex142]

Thank you all.

How do I check his credit? I've checked mine and it seems fine, no nasty surprises.

[RomanyQueen1]

You are married all money is joint anyway.
Get rid of the loser, was he always like this?

[RomanyQueen1]

Did you report him to the Police for forging your signature, because you won't have a leg to stand on if he's got into debt in your name. Unless you can prove it's not your signature.
Pity you got back together again, it sounds like it's too late to say don't have kids with him or put name on bc.

[Philmitchell]

Please take some of this advice on board OP!

[Hadalifeonce]

Freeze the loan so that he can't increase it. I did this with our mortgage a few years ago.

[romeoonthebalcony]

you said " I'm starting to realise that all his issues are coming from money"

Really? Are his issues not coming from being self entitled and short term gratification seeking? If you take a realistic look at your relationship does self entitlement and gratification seeking not show up elsewhere?

He's in his 40s, not a good sign for change.

What makes you think that if you go to live at your Mum's it will be forever but if you carry on as is with him that he will change?

[rolex142]

Romeoonthebalcony - yes I would agree with that. He is very self entitled and Iv had to make a few points in the last year or so that his opinion is not always the only one and not always the right one. He thinks he is always right and is full of self importance but I also know him very well and I know that this is a front as he is quite shy and not confident in reality and he is arrogant and cocky to try and front it.

[romeoonthebalcony]

"quite shy and not confident in reality and he is arrogant and cocky to try and front it." - I'd have a read around narcissistic codependent relationships to understand the enormity of the task you are trying to take on and what it might mean for you and your child. Very sadly, if he does not change, your son may suffer more being with his Dad than without him, as soon as he gets to an age where he no longer believes that Dad is a superhero to be worshiped and obeyed, Dad may be quite nasty and rejecting to him. Might not happen but keep in mind you need to prepare you son in case it does, so he doesn't end up with suffering from the same.

[GetKnitted]

Please please please don't go joint just to explain to him where the money goes. You can do that just by showing him a spreadsheet if you need to. Going into a joint account with him would be maddness, that money would last all of two weeks and you would be even worse off!!!

[YouTheCat]

So he demands to see your p60 but refuses to show you his bank statement? He's a twat. You've left him 3 times and he is not going to change.

[SunshineCake]

If you play fair??!? What by giving him access to all your hard earned money to piss it away? He won't even clothe his child ffs. Leave and stay left. Honestly. It's fine to end this today. He is taking himself away from his toddler. You aren't. You're saving your child from a life time of watching his mother be financially abused by his dad. Leave.

[TheCatInTheSquare]

He sounds like a cocklodger who just happens to have a job.