Husband not happy I earned more

[rolex142]

So as the title says my husband keeps bringing up the fact I earned 7k more than him last year as he states he hasn't seen a penny of it. I earn about 2k more than him a year but was offered lots of overtime when we wasn't bringing this to 7/8k. He knows this as he asked for my P60 and compared both. He has frequently called me tight despite me paying for everything that we all need. I know how much it would stress him out and piss him off I was to expect him to buy the baby clothes.

We share a house and have a 2yo. We pay the same amount in to a joint account to pay the joint bills for the house. Everything else we pay out our own accounts. We do this because in the past he has been quite reckless with money and when we had a joint account (it was actually his account where I paid my wages and had no card) he spent a lot of money on rubbish and we were pretty skint.

We both had debt when we met, he had 30k+ on credit cards and nothing to show for it. He worked 2 jobs to pay them off and we vowed never to have bad debt again.

A few years later he increased the joint loan we had without my knowledge or consent. It was to pay for my surprise birthday trip away, I wasn't happy about it but was told I was ruining things by getting hung up on it.

Fast forward to today. He doesn't get offered much overtime but will work it when he does. I get offered a lot and he encourages me to work it but I'd much prefer to be at home on the weekends.

I pay for Xmas, birthdays, clothes, most days out, home furnishings and all the food throughout the month. He pays for petrol and the rest of his money is his own. He has paid for a holiday he was desperate for us to go on, I have agreed to cover the spending money and on the months he had to make an instalment I have paid for pretty much everything that month.

He brings up money all the time and his latest comment of you earn more and Iv not seen a penny really cut me, I don't have a secret stash of cash (like he suspects I do) I don't buy myself very much and shop in primark when I do. I have no hobbies and I am very low maintenance, haven't been near a hairdresser or beautician in months. I never discuss money and I live frugally, like to get a bargain and I'm not reckless with cash so I'm also intrigued as to where this extra 7k went but I know that it has just been used to live, we eat (and waste) a lot of food and I'm never out the supermarket. I can count on one hand the nights out Iv had in the last year and he knows all this so who is really being unreasonable here?

He wants a joint account with all the money going in to it, I don't as I know it will end up with him spending most of it. He says he has changed but I don't really want to take the chance as I don't believe it. This month all Iv heard is how skint he is so he took my card to pay for petrol and he cracked up as it was declined. I had no idea how much money was in my bank and moved some savings in to pay for the petrol but he cracked up about how I should have known and seems indignant that I didn't have money when he has paid £800 to the holiday this month (he has not saved any money for the holiday so had to use it all out of one pay).

Sorry I have totally waffled on here, I'm so hurt by it all. We have had a really rough year and split up a few times. I'm starting to realise that all his issues are coming from money and i just don't get it as I buy everything he needs and he is more than happy for me to earn more. He says it doesn't bother him and he wished I earned much more as he has no ambition to get promotion but knows I do.

[Outanabout]

As suggested by previous posters, you need to do a credit check on both of you. Also, is there some way you can lock the loan so he can't increase it again? How did he do that? You need to make sure you're not liable for debts he runs up, I'm sure there are financial advisors who could tell you how to manage that. However hard it would be starting from scratch, imagine how hard it would be if you were liable for £30 or £40,000 on top of being alone. Separate your finances as a first step to taking control of your life and security.

[0nTheEdge]

I would much rather live with my mum whilst I got back in feet than live with a leach. There is absolutely no shame in it. If you have a good relationship with your mum, it could be a really lovely set up for a while. One which would benefit your child just as much as you.
I would also definitely do a credit check. He shouldn't have been able to increase the loan without you knowing and I'd also worry about what other debt he'd incurred in your name.

[stucknoue]

Would sitting down with an excel spreadsheet and working out a budget help? You each get exactly the same amount of discretionary expenditure each month and everything else into a joint account for expenses and savings - but he needs to understand he can only use the joint account for things that are joint and agreed eg household shopping, kids clothes etc and holidays etc need to be budgeted for. Money is tricky when you don't share expectations

[blueshoes]

He does not love you. He sees you only as a cash cow.

You and your dd are better off without the sponger.

[NotBeingRobbed]

Does he even show any sign of loving you?

[TheInebriati]

If I can try to make him see a bit of sense around money then maybe his attitude will get better?

No it wont. You already gave him several chances to change.
He demands your payslips and then has a go at you for earning more than him, demanding money from you; while at the same time insisting you have to pay for more.

He is abusive, one way the abuse manifests is financial abuse.

Leave him as soon as you can. Take The Freedom Programme.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

[blueshoes]

Wise words from Notbeingrobbed.

That is how divorce law works. The main breadwinner loses financially big time. You are best to get out now. I hope he is not the main childcarer - if so, best speak to a divorce lawyer first as he may get the lion's share of the residency rights or use that to blackmail you.

[LakieLady]

I don’t understand how he increased the joint loan without your knowledge or consent. This is really bad and I would wonder what else he has done. I suggest you credit check both him and yourself before you move - if you decide to leave him.

I was going to suggest this.

I'm particularly concerned about him increasing a joint loan without your consent, and amazed that this is even possible. I once supported a client whose husband had remortgaged the house without her knowledge: I helped her take the whole business to the financial ombudsman, and she got shedloads of compensation because the bank's procedures were so slack.

[NotBeingRobbed]

Please learn from me. I somehow thought I would get recognition for contributing more, being responsible and looking after my kids. No I did not!! It’s complete slavery for women who are responsible higher earners. Luckily I have the kids.

[fedup21]

What a thoroughly unpleasant man. He sounds like he wants you to work harder and harder and pay for everything-including all the holidays HE fancies!

Get rid of him and keep it that way.

[Orangeballon]

He needs to grow up and get some real control over his finances, you are shouldering too much responsibility.

[NotBeingRobbed]

It is so hard to put your foot down. I took the commitment of marriage very seriously - once you are locked in it is so hard to get out. And so hard to lose face too by giving up on the happily ever after dream.

But I am just starting to see that in future all I earn will be mine, my mistakes will be mine and so will my successes. That is liberating!

[SunniDay]

Your extra 7k will not have been 7k after tax, national insurance, pension and student loan deductions (if relevant).

Ask him if he would like to sit down with you (when you can carve out a few hours of quiet time) and go through both of your bank statements) both - definitely not just yours - you are only up for it if he is.

Go through them and try to categorise as best you can petrol, proper food shops, bills, children’s expenses, family leisure, home decor and personal spending such as impulse food/drink, scratch cards & other gambling, alcohol and personal leisure etc. Maybe different colour highlighters. See what you find. Some decisions you might not agree on e.g. him booking that holiday but it was on credit or you buying something larger for the home that he thought was not needed. Agree what spend level must be discussed before a decision can be made. Ours is informal - no set level - but we would definitely be discussing discretionary purchases that cost £100 plus.

My husband and I have our own accounts but our money is joint in the sense that I move money between accounts to where it is needed. I use YNAB (a budgeting app) and track our spends. You could consider keeping your own accounts but having a more household approach to finances but only if both of you are willing to be open about your spending e.g. my husband will get nagged if he goes to Greg’s or Tesco for his lunch - because he wasn’t organised to take lunch. I am worse for less frequent but bigger purchases like home stuff. But we both respect each other and muddle through.

We both want each other to be happy e.g. my husband wanted a bike - it was £400 (which we can’t afford except on credit). He was saying he can get it for “only £11 each month”. I ask him to check out what it actually costs (18%) I think. Adds up to £600. I say I am not willing to pay half again what it costs and none of our credit is that dear - I ask him to just buy it on a credit card and I can transfer it to 0%. He’s not happy - doesn’t want to owe more money. He compromises and buys one a year or two old on eBay (£120). Everybody’s happy.

Could you free up any money by using eBay/Facebook selling for some items for the home. We have had some lovely solid wood furniture when we would only have afforded flat pack if we bought new.

You need to be a team but that doesn’t necessarily mean having one bank account and doesn’t mean losing accountability for your own spending.

I’m sure if you put your heads together you can work something out.

[Kennebunkport]

I agree with PP that it doesn't sound very hopeful and you'd be a lot happier away from him. However, I also understand you want to feel you've done everything to make it work. If he's so desperate to know where money goes, could you scribble ball park figures down for him to give him an idea. Including heavier months where holidays, Christmas etc need to be factored in. I wouldn't do a detailed spreadsheet as this will feed his controlling tendencies, but I think seeing in black & white how easily money gets spent would be helpful. I would start keeping some savings he doesn't know about, so you have an exit plan.

[theWarOnPeace]

My friend has a relationship like this and all around her can’t bear to watch anymore. What’s her is his, what’s his is....his? She gets spoken to like shit all the time to guilt-trip her into doing more and more and more. Still gets spoken to like shut despite doing the lion’s share of stuff with the kids and paying for everything. It’s embarassing and soul-destroying. This isn’t something I would want my kids watching. You say your DH didn’t have a good start in life, but whoever your child marries in the future might end up on here saying the same thing. Your DH is abusive and nasty, there’s not much hope of you changing. Why do these abusive men always blow their tips at Christmas?? Just about every abusive relationship I know of, the man fucks up Christmas at least a few times. What you’re locked into right now is like modern day slavery. You get paid for going to work, yes, but everything at home is all on you - and you get treated like crap in the process?!

[oneforthepain]

I am glad to see the Freedom Programme has been suggested to you.

What you've described here - the whole of the financial issues, the way he convinces you you're 'mad' for taking issue with his conduct, the way he promises to change to get you home then doesn't, your desperation to appease him and to find a way to be perfect enough and reasonable enough to convince him to change - it's all exactly what happens in coercive control.

Abuse (coercive control) isn't about the abuser being an evil, monster with no redeeming features. It's sbout that person being driven by a need to have power over and control of other people.

And let's face it, if he had no nicer qualities you would never have put up with any of this, would you? Which would have meant him losing control of you if you had walked away.

The pattern of repeated break ups, him promising to change, you going back, him not changing is common to abuse. I think you are right that he believes he can do what he likes without you ever leaving.

I understand the fears and worries you have about leaving. I don't think there has ever been anybody who found them in an abusive situation who didn't share them. I know I was really angry that it was me who had to leave and start again.

But the starting again part is temporary. You won't spend the rest of your life in your mum's spare room - it will be the stepping stone on your way to a better way of living, where you're not constantly walking on eggshells and bending over backwards trying to appease somebody who mistreats and manipulates you (even if he doesn't do it 24/7).

In the nicest way possible, good parents don't control and abuse their child's other parent. They don't create a stressful environment where nobody in the home has control or stability except him. They don't model abuse as normal or acceptable behaviour.

There's no violence, but growing up in a home where one parent is abusing the other does have a long term negative impact on children, even if you think they've been shielded from witnessing it.

Change is scary. The unknown is scary. But that doesn't mean you can't do it or that it's not right to face those fears to make things better in the long term. Any appeasement you achieve will only be temporary, as you have already seen time and time again.

//Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - they won't tell you what to do, they won't tell you to leave, but they will share information to help you make sense of everything so you can make your own decision.

[blueshoes]

Notbeingrobbed

Men like that feed off your sense of duty to your dcs and your family. They are parasites and utterly shameless scroungers. It sounds like a long and expensive road out but you are well rid. Your dcs will thank you for it. Wishing you freedom and happiness.

[NormaNameChange]

How long did he have your P60 for? Could he have extended the mortgage without your knowledge?

This is a shit situation OP and he’s a conniving piece of... well, you know what i mean. I’d start tracking all of your household cost for a month, present him with the evidence and tell him it’s 50/50 as a minimum; include food and anything your child needs - including the cost of childcare. If he refuses, you know where you stand and can plan accordingly. Personally, I’d be planning to leave.

[blueshoes]

What you’re locked into right now is like modern day slavery.

This. Completely.

[snowdrop6]

Leave ..
Well that’s what I’d do anyway

[Bluntness100]

Whatever you do don't set up a joint account with this man. You will bitterly regret it.

[rolex142]

We have a fussy toddler who I try to encourage to eat a variety of foods so waste is inevitable but my husband also prefers takeaway and junk food so will happily let food go out of date instead of freezing or eating. He really is a man child and I am seeing that more and more.

He can spends fortune on a day in work as he will buy junk from the shop for breakfast and can drink several cans of coke in one day. He used to drink up to 4 cans of red bull a day too but seems to have seen sense on that one. A few trips to the shops for sweets/juice and lunch can add up quite quickly and in the past when Iv sat him down before to go through bank statements he was shocked how much he would spend too

[Acis]

I’d start tracking all of your household cost for a month, present him with the evidence and tell him it’s 50/50 as a minimum; include food and anything your child needs - including the cost of childcare. If he refuses, you know where you stand and can plan accordingly. Personally, I’d be planning to leave.



Absolutely this. But I suspect in his heart of hearts he knows perfectly well that he is benefiting enormously from the money you work hard to earn; it's just that he would like to benefit even more.

[Qweenbee]

The only way this can work is if you both have a set amount of spending money. He won't agree to that though will he?

[NCbilliontimes]

Fuck that, have my first ever LTB. He’s a bellend, start saving money and go enjoy the rest of your life without him, he’s a loser, he won’t change.