Husband not happy I earned more

[rolex142]

So as the title says my husband keeps bringing up the fact I earned 7k more than him last year as he states he hasn't seen a penny of it. I earn about 2k more than him a year but was offered lots of overtime when we wasn't bringing this to 7/8k. He knows this as he asked for my P60 and compared both. He has frequently called me tight despite me paying for everything that we all need. I know how much it would stress him out and piss him off I was to expect him to buy the baby clothes.

We share a house and have a 2yo. We pay the same amount in to a joint account to pay the joint bills for the house. Everything else we pay out our own accounts. We do this because in the past he has been quite reckless with money and when we had a joint account (it was actually his account where I paid my wages and had no card) he spent a lot of money on rubbish and we were pretty skint.

We both had debt when we met, he had 30k+ on credit cards and nothing to show for it. He worked 2 jobs to pay them off and we vowed never to have bad debt again.

A few years later he increased the joint loan we had without my knowledge or consent. It was to pay for my surprise birthday trip away, I wasn't happy about it but was told I was ruining things by getting hung up on it.

Fast forward to today. He doesn't get offered much overtime but will work it when he does. I get offered a lot and he encourages me to work it but I'd much prefer to be at home on the weekends.

I pay for Xmas, birthdays, clothes, most days out, home furnishings and all the food throughout the month. He pays for petrol and the rest of his money is his own. He has paid for a holiday he was desperate for us to go on, I have agreed to cover the spending money and on the months he had to make an instalment I have paid for pretty much everything that month.

He brings up money all the time and his latest comment of you earn more and Iv not seen a penny really cut me, I don't have a secret stash of cash (like he suspects I do) I don't buy myself very much and shop in primark when I do. I have no hobbies and I am very low maintenance, haven't been near a hairdresser or beautician in months. I never discuss money and I live frugally, like to get a bargain and I'm not reckless with cash so I'm also intrigued as to where this extra 7k went but I know that it has just been used to live, we eat (and waste) a lot of food and I'm never out the supermarket. I can count on one hand the nights out Iv had in the last year and he knows all this so who is really being unreasonable here?

He wants a joint account with all the money going in to it, I don't as I know it will end up with him spending most of it. He says he has changed but I don't really want to take the chance as I don't believe it. This month all Iv heard is how skint he is so he took my card to pay for petrol and he cracked up as it was declined. I had no idea how much money was in my bank and moved some savings in to pay for the petrol but he cracked up about how I should have known and seems indignant that I didn't have money when he has paid £800 to the holiday this month (he has not saved any money for the holiday so had to use it all out of one pay).

Sorry I have totally waffled on here, I'm so hurt by it all. We have had a really rough year and split up a few times. I'm starting to realise that all his issues are coming from money and i just don't get it as I buy everything he needs and he is more than happy for me to earn more. He says it doesn't bother him and he wished I earned much more as he has no ambition to get promotion but knows I do.

[Clutterbugsmum]

Sounds like he more interested in your wages then he is in being a family.

[InvisibleHamster]

We do the all into joint thing, then an amount each (don't want to say exactly but let's say between £150 and £350) to spend on whatever we want each month. So we can make our own lunches from the family grocery shop, but if we want to splurge every day in town then it has to come from our own. Mobile phone bills come from our own, so do presents for each other, meals out with friends when we go separately, - so I can spend money on books, shoes, without it being questioned. Of course it only works if he doesn't go through his in five minutes.

[HoppingPavlova]

I’d leave. It doesn’t sound like a good way to live.

[Fairenuff]

I know how much it would stress him out and piss him off I was to expect him to buy the baby clothes.

That makes him a cowardly bully and tells you everything you need to know about him. You need to protect your child and get both of you away from this man. Staying with him will be very damaging to the baby.

If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your child.

[Outanabout]

He sounds financially controlling. I'd wonder if he has a secret credit card and he's run up massive debt. You're very vulnerable, working your socks off but having him make financial decisions without consulting you. Ringfence your savings, I suspect you're going to need them if it turns out he owes another £30,000 you didn't know about. 😥 That's what happened to my best friend.

[Singlenotsingle]

He's obsessed with money isn't he? And even if you earned £7k more than he did, why does he expect to "see" any of it? It wasn't pocket money which you frittered away without a care.

Get out now OP, while you can. This man's a waste of space.

[LagunaBubbles]

How can people live like this? OP are you happy with this guy really?

[0nTheEdge]

I'm sorry op but he sounds horrid! The argument of 'I paid £800 for a holiday this month' so insinuating you owe him, well he didn't pay for it did he, because this meant he couldn't pay for house runnings so essentially you've paid for it too. I could not have any respect for someone who would not clothe our child and who would nit pic about money non stop and want me to work more and more just so they could spend £10 a day on lunch for themselves. Yuk.

[RacheyCat]

Really let the comments here sink in. Notice how specifically critical all the responses have been of your husband. There hasn't been a single post which has suggested that what your husband is doing is even remotely OK. People aren't saying "Oh, that's not very fair, poor you", they're not commiserating, they're very clearly saying, "Your husband is treating you appallingly, unacceptably; he is exploiting you".

But you're looking for ways to appease him, to stop him criticizing you, to make him easier to live with.

No one should have to live like you do. Something's gone wrong, and you've lost perspective. Please believe the people on this thread and understand that this man is no good. The only actions you should take from now on should protect and benefit you and only you. This man is not your friend, even if he is your husband.

[rolex142]

I really am taking all the advice on board. The last year we have had has been shit. I had to move back to my parents house which is over 100 miles away and thought it was over but he somehow got me to come back home without really changing..... I am living with rose tinted glasses on and I know that but the alternative is taking my child away from his dad - he loves his dad even if he could try harder - to another country and my entire life just needs to start from scratch again and while things aren't great they aren't really really awful. Generally we live happily enough then have a fight then back to happy-ish. I don't want to be in my late 30s living in my mums spare room with a toddler. No job, no friends, no life.

If I can try to make him see a bit of sense around money then maybe his attitude will get better? Iv realised how he's kind of manipulated me and I'm slowly changing that. He's not a bad person, he has big communication issues and didn't have good role models in his upbringing. I feel I owe it to my son and my marriage vows to do my bit and once I feel Iv done everything then it's time to leave if things don't change. He's selfish and he is definitely a man child. I have some good job opportunities coming up and if I'm successful I'll at least have more income to save. I won't be letting him dictate my earnings anymore but I also know how hard this conversation is going to be. I asked to see his bank statement the last time he started this nonsense as I was confused about how he had so little income each month but he refused so maybe he has run up more debt. If he has then he can sort it on his own coz I can't keep going this. He's in his 40s ffs

[LemonSqueezy0]

You really need to think through your options. He is financially abusive and desperate to get his claws in further.

He hasn't paid for the holiday at all. He is getting the credit but essentially you've covered that as well, as you've had to pick up the slack in other areas.

He is taking the piss, and it won't get better by itself. Your priority should be yourself and your daughter as he is clearly advocating for himself.

He is abusive. Not just "bad with money lol" he has the potential to commit fraud again if he feels you are on to him, so think carefully about if this is how you want to live your life.

[rolex142]

Racheycat I just read this after I posted. You're right but it's too hard and I'm scared to leave. I'm clutching at straws thinking that maybe he will see sense and change if I play fair.

I suppose at least then I can leave safe in the knowledge I done everything I could?

[Singlenotsingle]

Does he understand that if this isn't sorted out you'll go back to your home country and take dc with you?

[0nTheEdge]

He demands to see your p60 but wouldn't let you see his bank statement? That speaks volumes. I think it's very unlikely he will change now. I understand why you would want him to and why you've given him a chance. But it sound like you've given him lots. It also sounds like he doesn't respect you. Sorry. You can't base your relationship decisions on what it be like if he changed, but on how it is now and how it always has been. That's the reality.

[Unfinishedkitchen]

I couldn’t live with this constant money stress. You’re ambitious and work hard. He wants the fruits of your labour whilst trying to make you feel bad about it.

You’ll end up a poor pensioner at this rate, he’s probably got more debt piling up as we type.

[RacheyCat]

I know, rolex142, sweetheart. You must feel terrified. I would too. Getting away might be hard and it might take time, but you need to start right now by noticing how completely unanimous the posters are here in saying this is unacceptable. Knowing this will give you strength, it will mean every word he says to you can be seen through this new filter.

You start putting your money somewhere safe and do not say a word to him about it. You made a really good call coming here and posting. It was an excellent first step to take in acting in your own interests.

[rolex142]

Who knows Single. He thinks as he apologised it's all ok but it's not the first time he's brought it up. He spilt with me at Xmas while at my mums and left us there and I went back so the 3 times we've split Iv went back. He prob doesn't think I'll do it

[GCAcademic]

Stop doing the overtime. Your relationship sounds precarious and if you split up, he can claim that he does the bulk of the parenting as you work longer hours, and end up as the resident parent with you paying child support based on those earnings.The fact that he’s demanding to see your P60 suggests he may be thinking along these lines. In 20 years together I have never seen my DH’s P60, nor he mine.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I am struggling to see what you get out of this relationship. He pays the rent / bills plus petrol and that’s it. Wow! My dh is a higher earner and I’d be shocked if he spent £10+ daily on lunch.

Your ds is going to pick up on the instability in your relationship soon. I’m glad to see that you are deciding to make decisions about your future not based on your husband.

I don’t understand how he increased the joint loan without your knowledge or consent. This is really bad and I would wonder what else he has done. I suggest you credit check both him and yourself before you move - if you decide to leave him.

I also don’t understand how you waste food. Is it because it’s past it’s use by date? If this is the case, you need to smell it, not just chuck it. That includes chicken. Yoghurts and eggs are usually fine after the date etc.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Is he a hands on dad at least?

[Horsemenoftheaclopalypse]

It’s hard OP

but let’s be really clear this
I don't want to be in my late 30s living in my mums spare room with a toddler. No job, no friends, no life
Is not your only option.

You need to sit down and make an exit plan whatever that looks like.

I would also argue that living with your mum in your 30s is better than facing the stress of financial uncertainty/potential homeless due to his financial ineptitude/abuse for the next 40 years!!!

[Fiveredbricks]

Split and get CM from him OP. Enjoy a much happier life!

[NotBeingRobbed]

I had a husband just like this. I earned more but paid much more in terms of bills etc. I was the responsible one and saved. Whenever I asked him to contribute more he made excuses. Later we had a joint account but he spent more than he put in while I subsidised him. Now we are divorcing. And guess what? Thanks to the ridiculous law he is “entitled” to 50% of our “joint” assets PLUS more money to stop him grabbing my pension. A complete rip-off. I am basically having to buy my way out of the marriage for me and my children.

Get out now. This will go on and on and the longer he rips you off now the more he can rip you off later! The law stinks and so does his behaviour. I get where you are coming from - you are being responsible and sensible. You don’t want your child to be from a broken home and you want to keep it all going. BUT...when it all finally fell apart for us my ex cleared off and has basically abandoned the kids. No interest. He was only interested in the family as a meal ticket. These men don’t change. Complete waste of space.

Get rid! On the plus side you will eventually be free of this man and the way he is draining you bank account and your happiness.

[Bananalanacake]

yes I was about to say about the food waste too. do you meal plan and look at what you've still got in the fridge and need to use up. if i have cheese and potatoes i cook a cottage pie rather than throw it away.