Husband not happy I earned more

[rolex142]

So as the title says my husband keeps bringing up the fact I earned 7k more than him last year as he states he hasn't seen a penny of it. I earn about 2k more than him a year but was offered lots of overtime when we wasn't bringing this to 7/8k. He knows this as he asked for my P60 and compared both. He has frequently called me tight despite me paying for everything that we all need. I know how much it would stress him out and piss him off I was to expect him to buy the baby clothes.

We share a house and have a 2yo. We pay the same amount in to a joint account to pay the joint bills for the house. Everything else we pay out our own accounts. We do this because in the past he has been quite reckless with money and when we had a joint account (it was actually his account where I paid my wages and had no card) he spent a lot of money on rubbish and we were pretty skint.

We both had debt when we met, he had 30k+ on credit cards and nothing to show for it. He worked 2 jobs to pay them off and we vowed never to have bad debt again.

A few years later he increased the joint loan we had without my knowledge or consent. It was to pay for my surprise birthday trip away, I wasn't happy about it but was told I was ruining things by getting hung up on it.

Fast forward to today. He doesn't get offered much overtime but will work it when he does. I get offered a lot and he encourages me to work it but I'd much prefer to be at home on the weekends.

I pay for Xmas, birthdays, clothes, most days out, home furnishings and all the food throughout the month. He pays for petrol and the rest of his money is his own. He has paid for a holiday he was desperate for us to go on, I have agreed to cover the spending money and on the months he had to make an instalment I have paid for pretty much everything that month.

He brings up money all the time and his latest comment of you earn more and Iv not seen a penny really cut me, I don't have a secret stash of cash (like he suspects I do) I don't buy myself very much and shop in primark when I do. I have no hobbies and I am very low maintenance, haven't been near a hairdresser or beautician in months. I never discuss money and I live frugally, like to get a bargain and I'm not reckless with cash so I'm also intrigued as to where this extra 7k went but I know that it has just been used to live, we eat (and waste) a lot of food and I'm never out the supermarket. I can count on one hand the nights out Iv had in the last year and he knows all this so who is really being unreasonable here?

He wants a joint account with all the money going in to it, I don't as I know it will end up with him spending most of it. He says he has changed but I don't really want to take the chance as I don't believe it. This month all Iv heard is how skint he is so he took my card to pay for petrol and he cracked up as it was declined. I had no idea how much money was in my bank and moved some savings in to pay for the petrol but he cracked up about how I should have known and seems indignant that I didn't have money when he has paid £800 to the holiday this month (he has not saved any money for the holiday so had to use it all out of one pay).

Sorry I have totally waffled on here, I'm so hurt by it all. We have had a really rough year and split up a few times. I'm starting to realise that all his issues are coming from money and i just don't get it as I buy everything he needs and he is more than happy for me to earn more. He says it doesn't bother him and he wished I earned much more as he has no ambition to get promotion but knows I do.

[BlackPrism]

I'd give him a full breakdown of everything you pay a month. For baby, for him and for the house. Then I'd get couples therapy as he needs someone else to say he's being controlling.


Also- credit check immediately.

[MrKlaw]

I’m similarly terrible with money and my wife is financially v.sensible (like it sounds you are OP). However I do recognise i’m Crap with money so I try as best I can to avoid getting into bad situations - we don’t have joint accounts but we calculate all monthly and yearly bills and I pay most of them (wife pays some). Then some ‘free’ money is set aside and the rest I pay into her savings account to look after.

Because I know if I don’t do that i’ll Just spend it.

Your situation sounds like your husband needs to recognise he is bad with money (still has bad habits from the sound of it) and together come up with a plan that is fair but also ideally removes as much fiscal responsibility from him because he isn’t capable of handling it.

[TurquoiseDress]

The bit about him demanding to see your P60 gets me

I wouldn't never dream of doing that to DH and vice versa

Unless we needed them for something or some application etc

Maybe he has built up some debt and is feeling stressed about that?

[Annasgirl]

Oh dear God, can none of you read? The OP's husband took out a joint loan without telling her, he won't pay for his child's clothing and yet you guys are telling her to talk to him and try counselling?????
He has also left her 3 times and she has gone back to him!!

OP, you need to leave, and this time do not go back. The fact that he asked to see your P60 and then got angry about it and he wants access to all of your money but he has a habit of getting into huge debt shows that he wants access to your credit.

Please leave him before you end up with thousands of debt.

What is your housing situation? Do you rent or have you a mortgage?

[oneforthepain]

Then I'd get couples therapy as he needs someone else to say he's being controlling.

No competent or reputable therapist will agree to joint counselling where one party is engaging in coercive control / abuse.

He knows he's being controlling. He has already justified it to himself. He would only use joint counselling to exert more control.

That's why it's never recommended where there is any abuse.

[rolex142]

We have a house with joint mortgage..... that he also forged my signature on as I was out of the country when the mortgage needed signed
He forged my signature on the loan I assume, it was a joint loan we previously had and he extended the amount and term.

We have been trying to sort counselling for months. He wouldn't agree to it then he did and had a date arranged and then he cancelled it. I didn't bring it up as things were going ok and I didn't want to rock the boat but I said to him he needs to sort it. Yes I am very very naive and stupid but it's not just as simple as packing up my life and moving away from a home Iv tried to create and make nice. It's not bad every single day but I am seeing that he has been controlling in am indirect way and I'm trying to digest that as well.

[Divgirl2]

He forged your signature on a mortgage and a loan?!
Leave. Leave leave leave leave leave.
Do you want your son growing up thinking that this is how adults treat each other?

[LakieLady]

I sometimes get annoyed with my DP because he's inclined to be tight about money (well, only on small things, he's generous when it comes to presents, holidays, meals out etc) but when I read about someone spending the best part of £10 on crap every working day, I'm glad he's like it!

That £10 a day is around £2,400 over a year. And that's after tax and NI, so he's basically spunked £3,600 of his gross pay on complete shite, with nothing to show for it! He needs to take a packed lunch and buy big bottles of pop and leave them in the fridge at work, instead of wasting money on individual tins from a convenience store.

[Acis]

Did you agree to the mortgage and loan? If not, I suggest you get legal advice immediately as you do not want to have joint liability for that mortgage. Frankly, I'm not sure you're going to have to move away, he's going the right way about getting himself arrested for serious fraud.

Seriously, how do you know he isn't going to do this again tomorrow? Do you want to risk it?

[Greyponcho]

So he’s happy to commit fraud then by forging your signature?

You also said that when you checked his bank statement he had very little wage, so is it that he’s bringing home less money than he’s telling you he is? Is he really doing that overtime he’s telling you or is he just off having a skive.

Hes 40-something and behaving like a foolish teenager by not eating food at home and frittering money away on takeways and bought lunches and snacks. So wasteful. And he’s expecting you to subsidise him, then acting petulant when you don’t congratulate him for making a payment towards a holiday that leaves your family short for essentials?
Its a ridiculous situation.

Start squirrelling money away now - can you tuck some away in a parents account for now so that he can’t get his greedy mitts on it? You need to secure your DCs future and do it now. He’s not changing - something has to, and it should be getting rid of him.

Plus consider this: what would you say to your DC if, in 20 years time, they were telling you that this was happening to them? Would you say “stay, be miserable and risk being destitute” or “leave - so whats best for your DC”.
And then follow your own advice!

[LakieLady]

Holy shit, just seen your update about the forgery on the mortgage documents.

I'm sorry, but he's a grade-A cunt and I'm now in the LTB camp. I could never trust him not to remortgage the house from underneath me, I'm afraid.

I'd be getting my ducks in a row, and putting a home rights notice on the title (I believe it's free and you can do online) to stop him from getting his hands on the equity.

Please don't risk ending up like the client I mentioned upthread, who ended up losing tens of thousands because of her thief of a husband.

[WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo]

He forged your signature on the mortgage documents?

As far as I can recall signatures on mortgage document need to be witnessed. Who are the witnesses on that document? Did he forge those as well?

You need legal advice pronto

[DarlingNikita]

We have a house with joint mortgage..... that he also forged my signature on as I was out of the country when the mortgage needed signed

OK.

Leave him.

Your mum's spare room is better than this. And you'll make friends.

[Justaboy]

If i had a partner who earned more than me I'd be proud of her and celebrate her achivements:-)

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

Hi OP

Another LTB

I know you are staying for your child however if you stay, your child will grow up thinking it's normal for partners to split and get back together constantly, its normal to commit forgery, it's normal to refuse to buy clothes for your child, it's normal for one partner to work and the other to sponge off them and demand their money while refusing to give up any of theirs, its normal to not have any money at the end of the month because you've let your food go off and bought junk instead

Honestly I know it's very difficult to hear but it sounds like you're doing everything you can to save this relationship and hes doing nothing. You've already given him so many chances to change and he's done nothing positive. I mean he even cancelled counselling and you're unable to being it up with him. That's not normal. Sorry

[WeWantJustice]

Just LTB

He's abusive. He has absolutely no respect for your boundaries, the fact that he actually forged your signature on a legal document, shows how little respect he has for you. he thinks he has the right to do that, because his ownership of you trumps the law.

Seriously, this is not a case of him being a bit bad with money. It's about respect and he ain't got any.

[Hollyhobbi]

My ex husband was something like this. Even had debt collectors call to our house one Saturday morning. I even spoke to a solicitor about debt he ran up on a joint credit card we had. It was supposedly a company credit card but the company was based in Canada and we were financing the purchase of new computers and mobile phones and phone calls to Canada. That Christmas the credit card was declined just after we had done the Christmas food shop! He doesn't pay child maintenance either.

[MulticolourMophead]

Yes I am very very naive and stupid but it's not just as simple as packing up my life and moving away from a home Iv tried to create and make nice

It really, really is that simple. I've done exactly that. Yes, I'm renting right now, but I have a longer term plan.

My ex is also money obsessed, but your H is worse.

He will never change. He's in his 40s, is sponging off you, and now we see he's committing fraud. And I would credit check everything too, as I bet he's got more debt racked up.

As others have said, get your ducks in a row and get out. It's only going to get worse as he tries to get his hands on more and more of your money. You also don't want to be implicated in any of his fraud.

[Alsohuman]

I’ve never said LTB before but I am now. Please go.

[IwantedtobeEmmaPeel]

I'm sorry to say Op that it comes across as though he just sees you as a cash cow. He sounds absolutely awful. You are worth so much more than this.

Don't waste any more time with this bloke. Start making plans to divorce him, but keep your cards close to your chest and do some digging to find out if he has debt so you are prepared. Separate as soon as possible would be my advice.

[TheSerenDipitY]

if he forged your signature on the mortgage and loan... what else has he had "you" sign for?
i would seriously think long and hard about getting a credit check on both of your names... he might have credit cards in your name, or other loans, you might be seriously in huge ass debt and not know it

[AnAC12UCOinanOCG]

Stop worrying about fairness in finances and leave him. Can you stay with your mum?

[oneforthepain]

You're not stupid. You are kind hearted.

I know it's not as simple as one day realising things aren't right and immediately packing your whole life up.

Today, it's enough just to start facing - in little, manageable doses - the reality of his behaviour and the possibility that working towards leaving is something you might want or need to do.

Please don't go to joint counselling. Go to counselling on your own to get support for yourself. He will use joint counselling to get the counsellor to blame you for his behaviour and learn new ways to control you.

You're not stupid. You're in an incredibly tough situation.

[oneforthepain]

You're not stupid. You are kind hearted.

I know it's not as simple as one day realising things aren't right and immediately packing your whole life up.

Today, it's enough just to start facing - in little, manageable doses - the reality of his behaviour and the possibility that working towards leaving is something you might want or need to do.

Please don't go to joint counselling. Go to counselling on your own to get support for yourself. He will use joint counselling to get the counsellor to blame you for his behaviour and learn new ways to control you.

You're not stupid. You're in an incredibly tough situation.

[MrsDoylesTeaBags]

20 years ago my husband's aunt was a lone and lonely mother of 3, she'd worked up a nice balance in the bank, a confortable home and a good job.
She met a man who had lots of ambitions, he wanted to start his own business, he wanted her to sell her home and buy a large doer uper for them both to work on. the married, brough the house, shared their (her) wealth and he set up his business..... he drained her of everything and then left her for his next victim. Now she's working all hours just to keep a roof over her head, savings gone, lovely home gone.
Please don't let that be you, this man is not naive, he's not inept. he is dangerous and mainpulative. Plan your escape for your sons sake if not for yours.