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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbor does not greet or talk to me - WWYD?

254 replies

Flyingfish2019 · 19/05/2019 07:37

I live in a rural neighborhood. Most people are quite friendly.

One of our neighbors is a man in his forties. Like us he likes to ride and like us he has dogs. I often meet him while riding or while walking the dogs, our dogs like his but he seems to have a deep dislike of them. I have no idea why.

I always greet and say something like “nice weather today, isn’t it?“ him but he never gives an answer. In fact he acts as if he didn’t even notice me.

Actually he talked to me only once and it was to tell me that one of our sons needed to wear his cap. It was winter... and yes, he was right, but our son didn’t like wearing his cap and had taken it off without me noticing...

I never discussed him with the other neighbors. I do not want to be a gossip.

I wonder if I should ask him why he doesn’t talk to me. I mean I do not want to be his friend and actually even avoid some places because I know he likes to walk his dogs there. I just think it would be polite if he said something like “Yes, very nice weather but I think it might rain tomorrow“ when we meet.

OP posts:
my2bundles · 01/06/2019 21:42

You are being ridiculous. The guy is obviously negatuvely affected by small talk, you expecting a short responose if silly and proves how up yourself you are. You really avoid certain places because he won't say hello? The issue is all yours, not his.

joyfullittlehippo · 01/06/2019 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 01/06/2019 21:48

@my2bundles He was lecturing that my son needed to wear his cap in a very rude voice and without waiting for an answer.

@Decormad38 It is only because... you know... I have not much self-esteem. I am younger than him, had my children early. I know a lot of people think you cannot be a good mother when you have your children young. My dh has been struggling a bit because of having ptsd. We do our best but I often feel that people are judging us (and sometimes I feel like they are right to because we are not as perfect as other people are... I sometimes feel like this though I know nobody is perfect... and if somebody treats you like this then... of course you start feeling like: what did I do so that he doesn’t even say hello to me?

People are right that some people have autism... but most don’t and i still do not think it is a very likely explanation.

OP posts:
my2bundles · 01/06/2019 21:50

It sounds like the same straight forward way my eldest talks. My eldest has autism.

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 01/06/2019 21:52

@joyfulllittlehippo If the man had ptsd and his trigger was strangers speaking to him why would he lecture a stranger her son needs to wear his cap?

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 01/06/2019 21:54

Why is it bothering you so much?

StillNumb · 01/06/2019 21:55

We've got neighbours like that. I don't give it any headspace and just ignore them. They seem to be working full time and get get regular Amazon deliveries etc, but I don't take them any more as never got a thanks. I do feel mean on the delivery driver trying to meet their targets, but if you are having regular deliveries to your home you need to think about someone being there.

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 01/06/2019 22:01

@MrsGrindah I tried to explain why it is bothering me before: I do not have much self-esteem.
I feel that he was judging me and my family (by talking about the cap but not waiting for an answer).

For me he comes across snobby and somewhat hostile... like I said I am not perfect. I have been a young mother, dh has health problems and I am always afraid that people are judging us. Our life is sometimes a bit chaotic.

When I met him I really do not know what to do because to me the whole situation feels a little hostile.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 01/06/2019 22:01

There are a lot of adults who have undiagnosed conditions. My DB was diagnosed as autistic this year at 52. His behaviour is very similar to this man’s. He wouldn’t know how to respond to someone passing him and I could imagine him responding the way you describe this man as responding. He really can’t do small talk.

It definitely wouldn’t be the case that he was judging anyone’s parenting.

I don’t know why you’re so determined to think this man isn’t autistic. How would you know? He wouldn’t know that your DH has PTSD; I have it and no one who isn’t very close to me would have a clue about it.

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 01/06/2019 22:08

@Lizzie48 I am not determinate to think he is not autistic but how many people are autistic? Maybe 1 in 1.000... also I am not sure if I say something wrong now... but I always thought that autistic people have little interest in clothes but this man is dressing like a yuppie... like someone who pays great attention to dress.

OP posts:
joyfullittlehippo · 01/06/2019 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InMyBloodstainedSundaysBest · 01/06/2019 22:17

Flipping heck why have you resurrected this after 2 weeks? What do you want from this thread?

ineedaknittedhat · 01/06/2019 22:31

People probably say this about me. I'm autistic. I dislike chihuahuas and would consider anyone who had a badly behaved one to be annoying.

Hullaballooooo · 01/06/2019 22:36

Yikes you seem to be way overthinking this. Chances are he is just an introvert who doesn't want to chat.

We are also quite rural and had a neighbour who we come across here and there. I always just say hello or morning, nothing more. He never used to make eye contact or say hello back. And then at some point all of a sudden he became chatty & now he'll talk your ear off.

But to be honest I would never project any expectations on anyone, whether rural or urban, to engage with me. My approach is just to try and smile, say a basic appropriate greeting depending on the time of day & not expect more back. If someone wants to talk great, if they don't, that's also fine. No need to infer from the reaction that I am being judged & even if I am, frankly who gives a crap!

My point I guess is to not worry about this, carry on doing what you're doing. Maybe one day he'll surprise you & turn out to be a nice guy. Maybe he won't. Maybe he thinks you're judging him?

Ultimately this shouldn't be something that you're particularly worried about. Way worse things going on in the world....

Totaldogsbody · 01/06/2019 22:42

It sounds as if he's a grumpy old man before his time OP. You don't know why this has happened but he may have faced many challenges in his life that has made him this way. You mentioned that he told you that your son wasnt wearing his hat in a gruff manner but if you look at this in another light it was a kindly gesture from a man who doesn't normally interact with you in any way. Perhaps this was a courageous thing for him to do, it may have taken a lot for him just to speak to you at all. IMO you should carry on being polite and saying good morning to him, expect nothing back and who knows one day you might just receive a good morning in return. Yours may be the only voice he hears in the normal course of his day other than radio or tv and although he may not show it he might appreciate the gesture.

ravenshope · 01/06/2019 22:43

OP, just to let you know, they reckon more than one in a hundred people are autistic. Some are very interested in fashion/style, some not at all.
I think the issue is though, as you say, your own low self esteem. It is easy to imagine we are being judged but we have no way of telling what others are thinking. I hope you find a way to build up your self esteem without basing it on eg whether or not others speak to you.

Joeydoesntsharefood2 · 01/06/2019 22:44

Op more than 1 in 100 adults are autistic! & there are other disabilities with similar symptoms!
& not interested in clothes?!
You’re ignorance is vile op! Go educate yourself on Autism & half the people on this thread should join you!

& fwiw op a few words of advice ‘what other people think of you is none of your business’

joyfullittlehippo · 01/06/2019 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IncrediblySadToo · 02/06/2019 03:59

Holy crap.

i still do not think it is a very likely explanation

Based on what exactly? You know nothing about this man.

How much more bluntly do you need to be told to leave him the fuck alone. It’s NOT all about YOU. Even if he doesn’t have autism, he STILL doesn’t owe you anything. Yes, in England at least, it’s considered impolite not to respond, but so what? Him being ‘impolite’ isn’t going to hurt you.

As for him saying that your son should be wearing a ‘cap’ (still can’t work out what the fuck you’re on about) maybe he put a LOT of effort into telling you he thought your son might be in danger’. Change YOUR mindset, stop being so me me me and TRY to see it from his point of view.

Poppins2016 · 02/06/2019 04:41

OP I think you need to work on your self esteem. You can't control someone else's response towards you, but you can control your own reaction.

I have neighbours who could chat all day, some who 'smile and wave' and others who actively avoid talking. It's down to personality.

You mention that you don't see your neighbour chatting to anyone else, so this should tell you that this isn't personal.

Snowflakes1122 · 02/06/2019 04:46

Honestly, you sound way too bothered about this.

I wouldn’t give it a second thought. Some people are chatty, others no so much. Confused

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 02/06/2019 06:54

It may be that he dislikes you for some reason, but that is his issue not yours. He doesn't actually know you. You can't change his behaviour, so you need to find a way to stop letting it bother you.

NameChangeMcgee · 02/06/2019 07:16

In the nicest way, you need to get over yourself and learn how to blank this bloke.

(BTW... people judge mothers no matter their age. Just know you are doing the best you can and get on with it!)

junebirthdaygirl · 02/06/2019 07:18

I am living in my present home for 14 years. I have spoken to my next door neighbour twice. It's a rural area and we both have high hedges so l don't bump into her on my way to my car etc. Yet it is weird we have only spoken twice but it doesn't bother me in the slightest. She must be shy. I'm not so will chat if she ever wants to but meanwhile l let her be. Don't give it another thought. Always go to your usual haunts as it sounds lovely and rural which you seem to enjoy. Leave the man to his business and go on with yours.

my2bundles · 02/06/2019 07:23

Read up about autism your facts are disturbingly inaccurate. As for your comment about people with autism not caring about their appearance you are so off the mark it's scary. Many are very obsessive about appearance and getting it just right. This man owes you nothing, honestly back off or you could end up with him reporting you for harassment.