Party invite - me or other mum?

[Booboostwo]

DD is 8yo, DS is 4yo and they go to school with a little girl, let’s call her Christiana , who is 5yo so not in the same class as either DC. Christiana’s mum has form for mild party CF which may be colouring my view so here’s the whole story.

Back in September DS was handing out invites to his birthday party before school. He invited his whole class plus some friends from outside school so 30 4yos in all which was more than enough for me. Christiana saw the invites and asked DS for one even though she was not invited. I gently pointed this out but Christiana insisted. Her mother was standing next to her and never said a word so in the end I felt sorry for Christiana and gave her an extra invite. She’s just a 5yo, not her fault but I was surprised at the mum.

A few months later Christiana was handing out invites for her birthday party and she went up to DS to tell him that he was not invited as her mother had said she cannot invite the whole school just her class (the irony!). Again the mum overheard all this and didn’t intervene, i had to step in and tell Christiana that it was fine and there was no need to press the point with DS. Again not Christiana’s fault but odd behaviour from the mum.

It is now DD’s turn and she was handing out invites. There is a new boy in her class, Christian, and DD made a mistake and gave his invite to Christiana. So I let Christiana’s mum know about the misunderstanding, explained that DD was inviting her class of 8yos and had gotten confused and the mum said she would speak to Christiana about it. The next day the mum told me that Christiana couldn’t be made to understand the mistake and would be coming to the party.

I do feel sorry for Christiana, it was DD’s mistake but I also feel the mum is CF through out!

”the second time she said her DD was coming and there was nothing she can do about it.”

...to which you said?

I think your response that second time dictates whether you should raise it again.

Stop being such a doormat OP! You have been given excellent advice on here, take it (and report back)

@AriadneCrete - I don’t think I’m suggesting the teachers should do it but at my DDs school that is how it operates. The teacher (or the TA I guess ) puts invitations in the book bags. That way no one even knows there’s a party going on until they get home. I’ve certainly never had the “ you’re not coming to my party” sneers or the wrong child invited as has happened to the OP so I’m happy with it if the school are.

I am going to go against the grain here and say that once you issue an invite, it is pretty cruel to disinvite someone.

Your daughter (the Birthday Girl) handed the girl an invitation, she had every right to thing she was invited. It isn't like she assumed she was invited, invited herself, or that she found an invitation in her book bag that was meant for someone else.

I think this is a good learning experience for your daughter in not getting over excited when inviting people to things. And that being a good host means that you have responsibilities. She invited a 5 year old, that means a 5 year old is coming, and she is going to have to be a good host and include her in the day.

Actions have consequences, and you can't 'disinvite' people to things because you changed your mind or you made a mistake. 8 is plenty only enough to be able to learn that.

Of course, in the other situation you should have shut her down when she invited herself, but I think it is very, very cruel to have the birthday girl invite you to a party and then say 'never mind, JK'. That is mean girl behaviour.

the second time she said her DD was coming and there was nothing she can do about it

Of course there’s something she can do, what a drippy response. its a 5 year old, not a hollywood diva. you’ve told her its a mistake and the child was never invited, very rude of her to come back to argue the toss and disregard what you told her. Just text her and reiterate its a no, very sorry for the mix up but its a small private party at your home for 8yo year group only, with activities not appropriate for her younger child. Maybe offer a party bag by way of apology, but bring it to school.

bloody playground mum politics. cheeky fuckers, cliquey fuckers, bolshy cowbags, phoneys and users.

My DD did not disinvite the girl and she is looking forward to having her over.

fair enough. and sweet of your DD. you’re NBU for feeling narked about it though

One possibility could be to tell the mother that, as you will be preoccupied with organizing the 8-year-olds' activities, Christiana can only come if her mother stays to supervise her (which would after all be common with slightly younger children). This would put her off if she's just looking for free childcare; and reduce your responsibility if the child does come. Of course, it could risk your having to entertain both of them(!) but if you avoid that, it could be a possible solution.

This is why my dd’s School does not allow invitations in school. They give a class list with phone number (obviously all parents agree to this) and we text the parents the invitation instead.
Saves on hassle, saves on actual paper invites etc etc

A bit late for this circumstance, but a top tip for parties is to not put either thd time or venue on the initial invitation.

When people RSVP you can tell them this missing info.

Saves the awkward moments when people who haven't RSVPed then turn up and you're out of sorts with party bags, ratios or paid for activities.

#hearditonMN

So what did you say the second time OP?

Let her come, but tell the mum "For future reference, your DD will not be invited to either of my DCs birthdays, so don't bother asking."

I can't understand any mother wanting to insist on her child going to a party where the kid wasn't wanted/
.

OP's DD seems to be okay with it which suggests she's a lovely girl, - but it could have meant that "Christiana" spent two hours being ignored, or picked on or made fun of by older kids.

So your dd is looking forward to her coming?

Talk about much ado about nothing.
It seems you are happy to be a doormat and you are teaching your daughter the same

If your DD gave the invite to this child by accident (something I really cannot conceive either of my DDs doing in especially given the age difference) and is looking forward to her coming, then no harm done 🤷‍♀️

If this is the 2nd time this child has somehow got an invite to one of your DC’s birthday parties OP, is this child somehow getting invited to other birthday parties that they might not have originally been on the guest list for?

The second time I asked if she had had a chance to talk to Christiana about the mistake and the mum replied that C was not easily fooled, she knew she was invited. Then the mum made a face kind of like “what can you do?”

As I said I am only a little bit annoyed and most of it comes from previous CFery by the mum more than this incident. I don’t want to make a point of upsetting a little girl.

DD has no problem playing with younger children. Culturally, where we live, older children are expected to engage with and include younger children and this is how everyone is brought up. It’s rather nice.

@Afternoonteadelight
So your dd is looking forward to her coming?
Talk about much ado about nothing.
It seems you are happy to be a doormat and you are teaching your daughter the same

This right here bears repeating. Just because your daughter “doesn’t mind” or that culturally older kids are expected to include doesn’t mean this is right. Christiana was never invited. It was an actual mistake that both sides (you and the CF mum) should be able to own up to and do the right thing about it. One side is a bold cheeky fucker who won’t set boundaries with her child. The other is boldly spineless who won’t set boundaries for herself and is passing that onto her child.

Good luck.

You sound as weak and spineless as the girls mum.

I don’t know why you bothered starting this thread. You seem fine with your absurd situation so just enjoy it now,

”The second time I asked if she had had a chance to talk to Christiana about the mistake and the mum replied that C was not easily fooled, she knew she was invited. Then the mum made a face kind of like “what can you do?””

Yes, but then what did you do?

the mum replied that C was not easily fooled, she knew she was invited

So point out to the mum that all she needs to do is to show Christiana the invitation, and point out that it doesn't have her name on?

i don’t know why you bothered starting this thread. You seem fine with your absurd situation so just enjoy it now

This^^

' Dear Christina's mother, I'm really sorry about the confusion, Christina has not been invited to the party, only children from the class are. We unfortunately don't have an extra place and she will therefore not be able to attend.'

If you don't have the balls to put a stop to this nonsense then you need to just suck it up and stop complaining about it.

I think you set yourself up for the second situation by being so wet the first time round. I may not necessarily have intervened if DS skipped up to a parent handing out invitations, as it would never occur to me an adult would do anything other than say “no sweetie, this is for children in Class Z only” and I think it’s good for kids to hear no from other people.

If you lie down on the ground, people WILL wipe their feet on you.

Is this an international school OP? Just speculating here, but If the mum is from a different country she may not be a CF but probably really doesnt see the big deal, as it's just a few hours at a house birthday party and different cultures have different attitudes to them.
I might be way of the mark.

At the end of the day, you either accommodate the child or you be assertive and deal with the mother.