Party invite - me or other mum?

[Booboostwo]

DD is 8yo, DS is 4yo and they go to school with a little girl, let’s call her Christiana , who is 5yo so not in the same class as either DC. Christiana’s mum has form for mild party CF which may be colouring my view so here’s the whole story.

Back in September DS was handing out invites to his birthday party before school. He invited his whole class plus some friends from outside school so 30 4yos in all which was more than enough for me. Christiana saw the invites and asked DS for one even though she was not invited. I gently pointed this out but Christiana insisted. Her mother was standing next to her and never said a word so in the end I felt sorry for Christiana and gave her an extra invite. She’s just a 5yo, not her fault but I was surprised at the mum.

A few months later Christiana was handing out invites for her birthday party and she went up to DS to tell him that he was not invited as her mother had said she cannot invite the whole school just her class (the irony!). Again the mum overheard all this and didn’t intervene, i had to step in and tell Christiana that it was fine and there was no need to press the point with DS. Again not Christiana’s fault but odd behaviour from the mum.

It is now DD’s turn and she was handing out invites. There is a new boy in her class, Christian, and DD made a mistake and gave his invite to Christiana. So I let Christiana’s mum know about the misunderstanding, explained that DD was inviting her class of 8yos and had gotten confused and the mum said she would speak to Christiana about it. The next day the mum told me that Christiana couldn’t be made to understand the mistake and would be coming to the party.

I do feel sorry for Christiana, it was DD’s mistake but I also feel the mum is CF through out!

It’s just a mistake......accidentally given to the wrong child. Be kind, let it go and just have another child at your party. You can’t change the mother on your own. No point at all in over thinking this.
You have bigger things to worry about if your DD will be in hospital for such a long time.

There is something you could have done. When she told you her daughter was coming you could have said no she isn’t. She is not invited. You can either deal with her disappointment now or on the day of the party.

Going to be blunt. Grow some balls op! Or stop moaning about it? Tell her in clear terms that it was a mistake and she cannot come. Of course she’s being unreasonable but so are you for enabling that.

If you're going to accommodate the child anyway I'm not really sure why you posted

At my DCs school all invitations are given to the teacher who puts them into book bags. Maybe worth asking if your school might do the same.

I do feel very socially awkward raising this a third time, which I accept makes me a doormat

What exactly is the point of your post if you aren’t going to raise it with the mother. No point in whining about it if you won’t do anything to change it.

I posted because I felt annoyed with the mum and the situation and wanted to know if I was reasonable to have these feelings. I thought it might be a 50:50 response but instead most posters think I should be annoyed enough to take action - fair enough.

so will you then? Take action?

I think your previous experience with the mum is clouding your judgement here. What has happened this time is that your DD gave the invite to the wrong person and now you're trying to take it back. I think that's mean tbh. I would have sucked it up from the beginning and wouldn't have told a 5-yr-old with an invite that they had to give it back. It was your DD's mistake. It's not fair for a child to be upset because of it.

P.S. I don’t expect my thoughts to meet a really high threshold before I consider posting them on AIBU - I read the board to be on the flippant side of things!

The world is imperfect. Teaching kids that they never have to face disappointment is not a good life lesson. It was s genuine mistake. No one is being mean. It’s a good lesson in resilience? A five year old should not give a shit about attending a random 8 year olds party. If they do then time to learn that life is not always quite so perfect.

Stick to your guns and say no sorry
Christiana can’t come the party isn’t suitable for a 5 year old.
Yes she’ll be disappointed but it’s better than ruining the party for your DD and christiana having a rubbish time as the only small one.
It’s up to her mum to say ‘oh that’s a shame let’s do something special instead’ and manage her disappointment. I doubt Christiana is even that bothered my DD never remembered when a party was happening unless I reminded her. It’s not even like she’s in the same class to hear talk about it.

We have a similar school set up.here. My kids go to a small country school, (Ireland) in my son's case there's only 5 in his class but approximately 20 in his room. So I can see how they get mixed up.
What I don't understand is why you can't say no. If I had to go back to that parent 10 times I would and say no. They are taking the mickey. And your allowing it.

Not really sure why you've posted OP. I wouldn't now rescind the invite but I would be sure as hell work on my own assertiveness to model to my daughter how I see her role in future years. The last thing I'd want is for my daughter to learn this trait of people pleasing.

This is why invites should be handed to the teacher to go in book bags. It's horrible for those pointedly not invited and some kids can be cruel (like Christiana telling your child they weren't invited).
Why schools are still entertaining handing out publicly is beyond me.

Ah if she’s a nice child I’d shrug it off. No need to hire door staff for one extra 5 year old 😉

OP, in a situation like this I'd be thinking "where will we all be in 300 years time". There will be other littler kids at the party so a rescinded invitation is quite pointed (and possibly hurtful).

YANBU to be irritated as fuck about the other CF mum. I'd use this irritation to fuel my own future assertiveness. But in this particular case I'd let the kid come and not worry about it any more, no need for it to become a bigger deal.

" It's not ideal but the child does need to learn "
It is not OP's job to teach her though.

Please stop your children handing out invites, it will inevitably cause upset. If the whole class is invited, give them to the teacher to put in book bags. If not the whole class send by einvite or something similar direct.

Christiana needs to understand the word no at some point. Text the mother and say she can not come sadly, as the party is aimed at an older audience, please may she return or dispose of the invite that was intended for her. The mother is a CF. I would be turning her away at the door, and standing firm.

The mum is being very odd. My little boy came home with an invite for a child with a similar name. I gave it to the right mum the next day with no issue.

Be firm and tell her she can't come because of numbers. There won't be a party bag/food etc.

I would be annoyed too. Don't stress just let her come along and she will have to fit in with what the older kids are doing. I imagine she won't stay long when the other don't play with her.

FFS my own son has the exact same name as another child when they were at primary school. He received an invite in his bookbag, I realised my son does not play with party boy, texted the Mum to suggest it might be the other child, she said yes, apologised. I said not to worry, explained it to Ds. He was about 5 or 6.

I am happy to report that he is not crying in a corner aged 16 harping on about a party he didn't get to go to 10 years ago.

A 5 year old child can see that the name on the invite is not her name.

You need to stop being wet about it, text if you can (get her number from someone else) tell her that her daughter is not invited. It is clear from the invitation that she is not and she is not welcome.

No other sane parent would think you are in the wrong surely.

I feel sorry for your child. An I year old and a 5 year old are very different. It's her party not yours. Yes a mistake was made but you need to put your daughter first bit done random and rectify it.
"As explained the invitation was handed out by mistake. You can clearly see the name is similar on the envelope but not that of tour daughters. It is an 8 year olds party and has been planed specifically for that age group. We are sticking with our numbers and your daughter isn't invited. "

• an 8 year old not "i". fucking mumsnet and not being able to edit posts!

The teachers at our school will not hand out invites or put them in bags/red books.

I invite the whole class to avoid upsetting any one child but I draw the line at inviting the whole school to avoid upsetting any one child. There are children in DD’s class who have come to her parties for 5 years now and have never invited her to a party or a play date and I still invite the, because it isn’t not their fault their parents are rude.

Right so you're going to let people walk over you, even to the detriment of your own children, rather than be slightly assertive. And you're going to encourage this doormat behaviour in your own children.

Christ I hope they never come across any bullies because neither you nor they will ever be equipped to deal with them.

PTS is drastic but you definitely must put DD up for adoption immediately.