Party invite - me or other mum?

[Booboostwo]

DD is 8yo, DS is 4yo and they go to school with a little girl, let’s call her Christiana , who is 5yo so not in the same class as either DC. Christiana’s mum has form for mild party CF which may be colouring my view so here’s the whole story.

Back in September DS was handing out invites to his birthday party before school. He invited his whole class plus some friends from outside school so 30 4yos in all which was more than enough for me. Christiana saw the invites and asked DS for one even though she was not invited. I gently pointed this out but Christiana insisted. Her mother was standing next to her and never said a word so in the end I felt sorry for Christiana and gave her an extra invite. She’s just a 5yo, not her fault but I was surprised at the mum.

A few months later Christiana was handing out invites for her birthday party and she went up to DS to tell him that he was not invited as her mother had said she cannot invite the whole school just her class (the irony!). Again the mum overheard all this and didn’t intervene, i had to step in and tell Christiana that it was fine and there was no need to press the point with DS. Again not Christiana’s fault but odd behaviour from the mum.

It is now DD’s turn and she was handing out invites. There is a new boy in her class, Christian, and DD made a mistake and gave his invite to Christiana. So I let Christiana’s mum know about the misunderstanding, explained that DD was inviting her class of 8yos and had gotten confused and the mum said she would speak to Christiana about it. The next day the mum told me that Christiana couldn’t be made to understand the mistake and would be coming to the party.

I do feel sorry for Christiana, it was DD’s mistake but I also feel the mum is CF through out!

Goodness the mother really isnt doing the daughter any favours and is allowing her to develop into an utter brat! I like Thatnovembernight’s message - use that!!

I also like November’s message.

I must be a complete doormat as I had entirely resigned myself to having an extra guest! And of course I will not turn the little girl away at the door! But I am too embarrassed to bring this up with the mum again...total doormat!

Parents drop and run here from 3yo. No Whats Up, everything is done the old fashioned way. Even the school doesn’t have a website or email address, it only has an FB page because I run it! Everyone gives paper invites before, during and after school.

As for DD’s mistake I don’t know what posters are expecting me to say. She was excited and made a mistake. These things happen.

I second what everyone else has said. Text and tell her ALL the other kids will be 8 and doing activities for older kids. Sorry but you can't accommodate her

Just be firm.
"I said that Christiana isn't invited. The invitation was given to her by mistake. The party is not age appropriate for her, and Im sure that she'll forget about the invite in due course or that you can plan a different fun activity to do with her on the day."

Mum seems very weird and useless tbh.

You also need to be more careful with how your kids hand out invites and do it more subtly.

Good message November...wish I had the guts to send it!!!

How much do you care about pissing off the other mum?

If you care and want an ‘easy life’ then just let her come and be more careful in future.

If you don’t care (this is the camp I’d be in because I won’t be railroaded) then in the playground on Monday go up to the child, take her to her mother and explain kindly what happened.

‘I’m so sorry Christiana - DD made a mistake with the invitations to her party and she accidentally gave you the invitation for Christian. I know you must be disappointed that you aren’t invited but it was a mistake and we’re very sorry. I’ll save a piece of cake for you and bring it to you on Monday after the party. DD is going into hospital for a long time after the party so it's important that her close friends get to see her before she goes. I know your mum understands and I’m very sorry for confusing you.’

The deal with the mother VERY FIRMLY. She gets away with her shit because no one calls her out.

Also, at my son’s school the teacher gives out the invitations - they just put them in book bags so if you aren’t invited you don’t know.

As an aside my 6yO DS has HFA - even with his challenges he’d understand this and would’ve last year so I fail to believe her (presumably?) NT daughter can’t be made to understand.

You really do need to be firm. It's a party for 8-year-olds, not 5-year-olds and it's absolutely not fair to your daughter if you let her come and change the vibe at your daughter's birthday party. Probably one of the last big class parties she'll have (it becomes smaller group activities at about this age)

toffeecakes has a good text. I'd make it even stronger e.g. "so sorry for the mistake but she really can’t come. A 5 year old at DDs party simply wouldn't be fair to DD, and I won't have that. I’ll pick the invitation back up from you at school to give to Christian. You must have noticed that the name on it wasn't Christiana's.”

Well you’re a nicer person than me clearly, or more of a doormat ;-) Looks mike you’ve got yourself an extra guest!

Fgs. Don't be a doormat. This mum needs to learn to say no to her child once in a while

You really are not doing well at giving out invitations are you.

If there are nearly 30 children in your DSs class and more than one class in a room the school sounds very unusual and chaotic.

On the bright side your DD seemed to think this child was someone she might invite to a party even though she is 3 years younger so it can’t be that big a deal to have her there.

I hope with all the confusion you did actually invite Christian too and he wasn’t upset at not getting invited when the rest of his class was.

I do think you’re putting the wishes of Christians and her mother above your daughter though, which is a little saddening

Just be firm. 'To be clear, she is not invited and the other children will not want to play with a younger child. If you turn up they'll be no party bag or cake and you will not be welcomed.'

The mum needs a firm hand. She spunds unpleasant letting her daughter say that to your son. Spiteful and unnecessary.

Christiana couldn’t be made to understand the mistake

Well now is as good as place as any to make her understand .

Otherwise she'll have a nightmare making her understand why she cannot pat that nice doggie, why she cannot run across the busy street to get sweets, why she has to wait her turn at the swings.

Think of the favour you are doing her in the future

I don't understand why you posted if you weren't trying to get advice about withdrawing the mistaken invitation. You already know she's a CF.

What is happening with your younger child during the party? Won’t she make a playmate for him? You could text and say your son would like the play date but the two of them won’t be joining in with the party.

If you really can’t bring yourself to say no, then tell the mum that you can’t supervise her as you’ve your hands full with older ones. So she’s welcome to come but her mum will have to stay with her, but “apologise” in advance that you won’t be “hosting” as you’ll be busy.

But... just say no.

Booboostwo, yes it's very hard to send November's message, but it's actually rather gentle and polite, and nothing the mum can argue or come back with. Dealing with confrontation is a skill that can be learnt, and now is a perfect opportunity.

Ha when my son moved schools at Y4 I wanted to invite the whole class. I didn’t know all the names and was afraid he might miss someone out (he started in Spring term) so I used the class list and emailed everyone. My son insisted that there was a boy on the list that wasn’t in his class but I thought maybe the boy was quiet and hadn’t registered with my son. Day of party a boy and his mum showed up. He wasn’t from his class or even from the school! He had gone to the school but had moved over a year before but just hadn’t been removed from the class list. Still don’t understand why the mum accepted - my son has an unusual name so she would have known it was someone new not an old friend of her sons.

You're the one who invited her to DS's party, so it's odd to complain. You should have just said "no, sorry Christiana but the party is for his class only" and walked away. As for your DD, her teacher must be aware of whatever issue she has that means she doesn't understand about invitations, so maybe you could ask her teacher to help with passing out invitations next time, or give them to the parents yourself.

Don’t send November’s message. It sounds like you’re not inviting her as she didn’t invite your son.

Really it’s your dd party - if she wants the pampered 5yo there then just leave it but be much more careful with invitations.

BUT if your dd doesn’t want her their and is upset by her mistake you need to be less of a push over. Unless you’re over bothered with a relationship with the cf mum you need to address it. What November said on the beginning of the thread is still the best.

I haven't read the full thread but Wow there are some really horrible comments here like Let the child turn up and then completely exclude her. That is absolutely disgusting behaviour. Its not the young girls fault, it is both your daughters and the girls mothers fault.
At 8 your daughter really should have known that you weren't inviting the girl and not made the error to begin with. Secondly that mother needs to cop on. That poor child needs to be told no, it was an error the invitation wasn't for you. Sorry darling.
You need to contact her and reiterate that the girl is not invited to the party that you hope she can explain that to her dd that is a bigger kid party. If she still turns up you are just gonna have to suck it up and let her in. Do not be nasty to her or encourage the older kids to be. She is only 5.

@Booboostwo , @Thatnovembernight your message is ideal. You are being walked over by the other mother.

Mum seems very weird and useless tbh.

The OP is a little bit useless too tbh. Why are some adults so unable to deal with people in a polite but firm manner.

I Would definitely send November’s message.
But can you also clarify how your dd got mixed up with an 8yo in her class to a 5 yo who isn’t. Seems there’s more to this, did christiana ask your dd for the invite and she just handed it over ?

Stop being a doormat, your mistake was giving in to the first party invite so don’t make the same mistake again.