Party invite - me or other mum?

[Booboostwo]

DD is 8yo, DS is 4yo and they go to school with a little girl, let’s call her Christiana , who is 5yo so not in the same class as either DC. Christiana’s mum has form for mild party CF which may be colouring my view so here’s the whole story.

Back in September DS was handing out invites to his birthday party before school. He invited his whole class plus some friends from outside school so 30 4yos in all which was more than enough for me. Christiana saw the invites and asked DS for one even though she was not invited. I gently pointed this out but Christiana insisted. Her mother was standing next to her and never said a word so in the end I felt sorry for Christiana and gave her an extra invite. She’s just a 5yo, not her fault but I was surprised at the mum.

A few months later Christiana was handing out invites for her birthday party and she went up to DS to tell him that he was not invited as her mother had said she cannot invite the whole school just her class (the irony!). Again the mum overheard all this and didn’t intervene, i had to step in and tell Christiana that it was fine and there was no need to press the point with DS. Again not Christiana’s fault but odd behaviour from the mum.

It is now DD’s turn and she was handing out invites. There is a new boy in her class, Christian, and DD made a mistake and gave his invite to Christiana. So I let Christiana’s mum know about the misunderstanding, explained that DD was inviting her class of 8yos and had gotten confused and the mum said she would speak to Christiana about it. The next day the mum told me that Christiana couldn’t be made to understand the mistake and would be coming to the party.

I do feel sorry for Christiana, it was DD’s mistake but I also feel the mum is CF through out!

I think 3 things, which slightly contradict each other:

1/ the back (CF) story is deeply annoying but irrelevant in this situation. Your daughter handed the child an invitation, it would be (imho) rude to take that invitation back, as well as hurtful to a young child.

2/ the fact your DD handed the girl the invite suggests she doesn't mind the thought of the child being at her party, and your totally understandable irritation at the history is clouding your judgement over this.

3/ HOWEVER, I do think 5 is very, very young to be at an 8yr old party. So that's your "out" if you want one. You can explain to the 5 yr old and her mum that the party won't be suitable or enjoyable for her. Although, presumably your 4 yr old will be there?

envelopipes

What a fab typo Persimmon!

I'm sure that there should be something called an "envelope". It's the best name ever for something.

This is tricky in a small school with multi-year classes. Unless Christina is a nightmare in all honesty I would let her come. But I’d been annoyed with her mum.

@Inniu lots of rural schools have mixed year group classes. Not that unusual or chaotic.

You need to lay it on the line. Say ‘Look love - I know you’ll do anything to get your kid a party bag and a slice of cake, including ignoring the bleeding obvious, but you’re not sticking your head in my trough anymore. We don’t want Christiana there. We can’t fucking stand Christiana. We hate the way she ram-raids her way into every event. We hate her pretentious name. We hate how, no matter where my kids hand out their invitations, she’s just always there, like one of those creepy twins from The fucking Shining. Get your devil child away from us, you jumped-up, toffee-nosed horse-faced BITCH’.

That should do it.

envelope

Fuckit!

This should have said "envelope" again.
Autocorrect didn't alter it the first time, and like a fool, I trusted it not to do it the second time.

Sounds like Christiannas mum is looking for some free childcare to me. Who dumps their unwanted 5yr old on party for older kids!

Maybe I'm too soft but I think I'd let her come this time as she is 5 and it seems mean. Not her fault that her mum is a CF. My kids would be really upset if they got an invite and then it was withdrawn. Next time I'd try to find another way of distributing invites! The mum is a CF though as if I was told my child actually wasn't invited I think you were mean but I certainly wouldn't still bring them!

Depends on your daughter op, as her if she minds if she does text the Mum and simply say “it’s a party for 8 year olds, and the activities are for 8 year olds, I think she’s too little, i’ll drop in a party bag and some cake for her though, little dot! I just don’t think she’d enjoy it” then say you’re thinking of lazar quest, or hiring sumo wrestling suits” if your dd doesn’t mind go with it x

@spanglemum

I know there can be mixed year classes in small rural school. But the OP states that there were 30 4 year olds at her sons whole class party and only a few were from outside school.
If there are nearly 30 in a year and then mixed years in the same room I would think it was chaotic

I would emphasize that it's an 8-year-olds' party; that the activities are already planned; and that they would not be suitable for such a young child.

I think your only option is to emigrate, obviously

Mean and rude to "uninvite" though, even if done in error. Can you imagine any other situation in which that would be ok (night out/sunday lunch/wedding).
So I'd brace self for Christiana to play with 4 year old.
But Christiana's mum's card is marked.

How does your dd feel about Christina coming? I think that’s the most important question. She’s going into hospital for 3 weeks and I don’t think she should have her party just before that ruined by a 5 yo.

If christina will be ok and fit in, then fine, leave as is. But my fear would be that obnoxious 5 yo, who clearly has never said no, she may dominate the party.

If the latter is the case, please advocate for your child and don’t make her last party before she goes into hospital about another child.

You need to stand up for yourself. You gave in to her for God knows what reason when she moaned about not getting an invite to your son's party.... I really don't understand why you invited her. Kids do need to hear the word no and you had no reason to say yes. And now your daughter made a mistake, and you're too scared to fix it. You're an adult.

You were the bigger person before by inviting Christiana to Ds party and the favour was not returned.

YANBU to refuse to have her this time. November's message is ideal. In case it is perceived as petty by anyone else I might say it rather than text it though.

Otherwise text firmly saying sorry for misunderstanding but she cannot come.

^ Your daughter made a mistake
Does it need to be "fixed" though?

• 8 year old will not be overly upset to have another small child at party, surely she wouldn't have handed over invitation if she had
• Poor manners to rescind an invitation unless a great wrong has been done by the invitee. IMO one should extend the same courtesy to a small child as you do to anyone.
• Why make DDs 8th birthday party into war of attrition or object lesson with CF mum (who as is CF won't care and will think she's right anyway)?

Presumably you wrote the invites out and put the correct boys name on it, so I’m surprised that the other mum didn’t see that the name on the invite was different to her child’s and question it with you.

I would say sorry as it clearly states on the invitation its for christian to attend not christina so as you didn’t spot it I will leave it with you to explain to your child the invitation is not for her and that she cannot expect an invitation to everyone’s party obviously as delicately as possible as this will stop any embarrassment for you and me with having to turn you away on the day.

Don't make this a symbolic "I'm not a doormat moment". Whether she comes or not doesn't matter much. Party won't be ruined.

All this drama. I'd honestly get someone to keep watch at your door should they arrive and turn them away. Failing that, just tell the mother in non-vague terms that her daughter is not invited.

I think this is a great opportunity to trigger you learning to be more assertive, it's a really important skill in life and one that your children will benefit from too. I'd think about maybe coming up with some strategies you can learn to deal with this more quickly in future as it does sound like there are some rather interesting individuals in your social group. If you learn a couple of go to statements that are firm and fair, you'll find it more natural to do this in future and prevent this type of stress occurring!

However, on this occasion, given the tight knit dynamic of the school - I'd simply take the little girl out with my son for whatever separate activity they are doing (assuming that you don't have him at your daughter's party). This means she doesn't get the reward of the party, but equally you aren't seen poorly. You then have an opportunity to be assertive about this in the future with her mum when she arrives to pick her daughter up.

In terms of your daughter's excitement, it's understandable only if she doesn't have a clear idea of who is being invited to the party. Perhaps giving her some more responsibility in terms of writing the invitations and putting them in envelopes and adding the names would create more of a link between party and invitees, and avoid this happening again in the future.

I honestly don’t know what posters expect me to say about DD making a mistake. She was upset about it, worried and wanted to invite Christiana rather than upset her - I was concerned about the number of children creeping up. If posters insist I can put DD up for rehoming but I doubt anyone will want her with her awful invitation giving mistakes so I may have to have her PTS before her next birthday party.

We are not in the UK, there is no legal requirement to have a website or a class list and we don’t have these things.

I did not give details of all the invited DCs in all the parties we have hosted as it did not seem relevant but for anyone who is interested there are 12 children in DD’s year but 26 in her classroom. We have friends with children of all ages. There will mainly be 7-9 year olds at the party, some 4yos and even one 2yo.

I approached the mum twice about this now, ,the first time she said she would talk to her DD, the second time she said her DD was coming and there was nothing she can do about it. I do feel very socially awkward raising this a third time, which I accept makes me a doormat. If it was something the only affected adults i’d try to grow some balls, but I do also feel sorry for the 5yo who is fundamentally a nice child but has a mum that doesn’t help her accept some boundaries.

DD wrote all the names on the invites!

I've read through all of this and agree you should send a message like Novembers. It's not ideal but the child does need to learn.

However I'm struggling to understand why you've posted when then all the advice you've been given, you are then sticking with not doing anything anyway.

I honestly think you should model standing up for yourself for your children. Yes, a mistake was made. But an easily correctable one if you politely but firmly said to the other mother: "No, your DD can't come to the party. It's obviously a mistake. She's 5. And as a parent I'm sure you understand that these things happen and can find something else to do with your own child that day. Please don't arrive at my house, as she isn't on the guest list."