Party invite - me or other mum?

[Booboostwo]

DD is 8yo, DS is 4yo and they go to school with a little girl, let’s call her Christiana , who is 5yo so not in the same class as either DC. Christiana’s mum has form for mild party CF which may be colouring my view so here’s the whole story.

Back in September DS was handing out invites to his birthday party before school. He invited his whole class plus some friends from outside school so 30 4yos in all which was more than enough for me. Christiana saw the invites and asked DS for one even though she was not invited. I gently pointed this out but Christiana insisted. Her mother was standing next to her and never said a word so in the end I felt sorry for Christiana and gave her an extra invite. She’s just a 5yo, not her fault but I was surprised at the mum.

A few months later Christiana was handing out invites for her birthday party and she went up to DS to tell him that he was not invited as her mother had said she cannot invite the whole school just her class (the irony!). Again the mum overheard all this and didn’t intervene, i had to step in and tell Christiana that it was fine and there was no need to press the point with DS. Again not Christiana’s fault but odd behaviour from the mum.

It is now DD’s turn and she was handing out invites. There is a new boy in her class, Christian, and DD made a mistake and gave his invite to Christiana. So I let Christiana’s mum know about the misunderstanding, explained that DD was inviting her class of 8yos and had gotten confused and the mum said she would speak to Christiana about it. The next day the mum told me that Christiana couldn’t be made to understand the mistake and would be coming to the party.

I do feel sorry for Christiana, it was DD’s mistake but I also feel the mum is CF through out!

This is such a strange situation. I don't see how it's unavoidable to so public in giving out party invites since it seems to be a recurrent problem you need to find an alternative way to hand them out. If your DD mistook this girl for someone coming to the party she can't be that opposed to her being there and she can play with your younger child.

I would never in a million years rescind a party invite - especially to a child. On the other hand I wouldn't send my 5 year old to an 8 year old's birthday party to which she had been mistakenly invited. It sounds like you have enough to worry about and this isn't the cross you want to die on so I would just let it go and learn your lesson about being more discreet with invites next time.

Tbh op if you invite the whole class, are not fussed that invites are reciprocated ( which your initial post suggested you were but most recent says not) then I’d just let it go and let the poor girl with the cf mum attend.

I suspect that’s what you’re going to do and had you thought / planned that prior to posting.

Urgh rude woman. Why are you so bothered about offending her. Tell her no I wont be entertaining your 5yo whilst also hosting a bunch of 8yo?

Tell the mum she will have to stay to look after her daughter?

@Titchy how is one small child going to "detriment" OP's DD? In fact, she is modelling how to handle small mistakes with good grace and a bit of perspective. The DD apparently would hate to make CF's DD upset by uninviting her.

Children's party politics.

Four-year-old children.

So unless the OP is a creative-writing exercise they actually do happen; it isn't just a myth. First-world problems or what? And the other mum is a CF, and is raising a kid who is likely to replicate her attitude as a CF. That would be a shrug-of-the-shoulders moment, then. The world's full of them.

Stick to your guns OP if only because of the principal. The mother sounds like a wet lettuce not standing up to her own daughter!

It looks as though this is a fairly big party and you will have your hands full with a lot of children. I imagine the parents of the 2 yo and little kids will have parents around. You already have your 4yo ds plus a party to run. In this case, I would be concerned for being responsible for Christina. Bottom line, there are a Spectrum of ages of children so her presence won’t make a jot of difference to your dd. But you either need to ensure there are enough adults around. Or in this instance ask her mother to stay.

Op you really need to stop being such a doormat. There will be many times in your child’s school life when you need to fend off CFs. Maybe it’s time you got some practice?

StillCoughingandLaughing’s post was very funny. Use that

Oh for god's sake OP, this is ridiculous! The other mum can't just insist the child comes to the party. You are allowing it to happen. I'm not the best socially, I hear you, but in this situation you need to bloody tell her no!

Do you have her phone number? If so this is so easy to solve - just send November's text. The earth is very unlikely to swallow you up.

Personally, if you're not keen on calling out the CF and there will be some younger ones there, I'd make it very clear you expect the mum to stay to supervise as she'll be 'with the younger ones' and let the older girls get on with the party. Maybe put a few games/chalk/messy paint out on the garden and let the young ones have at it, let the mum know she shouldn't dress up as it'll be messy fun for the young ones

how is one small child going to "detriment" OP's DD?

Because OP is sending her dd the message that other people's feelings are more important than hers. She's sending the message that confrontation and being assertive are bad things that should be avoided at all cost. Does that sound healthy for a child - particularly a girl?

the second time she said her DD was coming and there was nothing she can do about it.

There is everything she could do about it, she's the child's mother for goodness sake. What she's trying to do is tell you that there's nothing you can do about it - telling you that Christiana is coming and having her cake and free party whether you like it or not.

Of course there is plenty you can do about it and PPs have it covered. Don't let this CF get away with her CF-ery!

Because OP is sending her dd the message that other people's feelings are more important than hers. She's sending the message that confrontation and being assertive are bad things that should be avoided at all cost. Does that sound healthy for a child - particularly a girl?

No she isn't! At all! The child hadn't planned to invite CFDD to the party but isn't upset at the idea that she comes, so y'know no biggie.

I understand you don't want to hurt any feelings but you know what you want/have to do... It is far less hurtful to be just told straight than to know that you have been the subject of all this fannying about/discussing behind your back.

I dont think you're unreasonable to be a bit annoyed at the whole situation, but as you say, its not really a hill to die on. Kids' birthday parties are not huge events in the greater scheme of things.

Does Christiana's mother have some MH issues, or perhaps some learning difficulties? That might explain her very strange reactions.

Is little Christian also coming or is he having to miss out so Christiana can attend?

Controversial but I would accommodate Christiana now the damage is done and she was invited. Think it's not her fault her mother is useless.

How are you going to reach your DD that SHE doesn't have to be a doormat too?

I’d tell her “I had to explain to my child that they couldn’t come to your child’s party. You will have to do the same..”

the second time she said her DD was coming and there was nothing she can do about it
I'd just be blunt -"you're her parent - deal with it".
After all, she was able to make her dd 'understand' why some people weren't allowed to be invited to her bday party.

She's a barefaced cheeky fucker and you need to grow some balls.

Pick your battles

It's just not worth it

the second time she said her DD was coming and there was nothing she can do about it

She’s 5!!! She’s not going to be ordering a mini-cab and bringing herself along. Just don't fucking bring her!! God I don't think I have ever heard anything so spineless as this mother. God help her when little darling Christiane is a teenager!!

If the whole class is invited, give them to the teacher to put in book bags.

Er, no, please don't!! We have enough to do as it is, without now adding Social Secretary to our job description. We do NOT wish to get involved with playground politics outside of school. If you're throwing a party, it's up to you to figure out how to invite people, not school staff.