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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party invite - me or other mum?

209 replies

Booboostwo · 18/05/2019 08:31

DD is 8yo, DS is 4yo and they go to school with a little girl, let’s call her Christiana , who is 5yo so not in the same class as either DC. Christiana’s mum has form for mild party CF which may be colouring my view so here’s the whole story.

Back in September DS was handing out invites to his birthday party before school. He invited his whole class plus some friends from outside school so 30 4yos in all which was more than enough for me. Christiana saw the invites and asked DS for one even though she was not invited. I gently pointed this out but Christiana insisted. Her mother was standing next to her and never said a word so in the end I felt sorry for Christiana and gave her an extra invite. She’s just a 5yo, not her fault but I was surprised at the mum.

A few months later Christiana was handing out invites for her birthday party and she went up to DS to tell him that he was not invited as her mother had said she cannot invite the whole school just her class (the irony!). Again the mum overheard all this and didn’t intervene, i had to step in and tell Christiana that it was fine and there was no need to press the point with DS. Again not Christiana’s fault but odd behaviour from the mum.

It is now DD’s turn and she was handing out invites. There is a new boy in her class, Christian, and DD made a mistake and gave his invite to Christiana. So I let Christiana’s mum know about the misunderstanding, explained that DD was inviting her class of 8yos and had gotten confused and the mum said she would speak to Christiana about it. The next day the mum told me that Christiana couldn’t be made to understand the mistake and would be coming to the party.

I do feel sorry for Christiana, it was DD’s mistake but I also feel the mum is CF through out!

OP posts:
Badwifey · 18/05/2019 09:30

Also November's message is extremely petty

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 18/05/2019 09:32

I can understand your reluctance to challenge CFmum but your rally need to say something short, polite but FIRM on a text. She didn't invite your child to her DD's party but knowing full well that her child was not invited to either one of your children's parties on any occasion, is telling you that she is to come? Fuck that noise. She bullied her way into party No.1 and is now bullying her way into party No.2.

Get her told.

regmover · 18/05/2019 09:32

I know it's a tangent but... the school has to have a website, it's a legal requirement.

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 18/05/2019 09:35

@regmover OP's small village school may have a website but the rules don't say it needs to be interactive? Ours isn't. It is a limited information only page or two. Contacts, address, Headteacher, and I think a pdf of the school prospectus.

mindutopia · 18/05/2019 09:36

How rude and awkward of her. I actually would be so apologetic in her shoes (even though it was your dd who made a silly mistake) as I would hate to feel like we were being awkward and intruding. If she can't explain to a 5 year old that sometimes innocent mix ups occur and lay down some boundaries, then she's going to have a lot of long, hard years ahead of her. What 5 year old would want to go to a party with a bunch of 8 year olds anyway?

over50andfab · 18/05/2019 09:39

November’s message is excellent. Tbh I’m sure a group of 8yr old would be a tad resentful of an uninvited and unrelated 5 yr old being there. It clearly states the truth in a thoughtful way. @Booboostwo why on earth wouldn’t you have the guts to send it?

DoolinEnnis · 18/05/2019 09:41

Op, you have been given some sound advice - I think you are cause yourself more stress by not addressing the other mum. You are not confronting her just setting the rectifying a small mistake - it is not your job to appease the 5year old this is her mums job who is being an extreme CF especially when your child was not invited previously.

Why cause yourself more grief when you can send a simple text saying sorry about the mistake but we have limited the party to my child’s closest friends and Christiana cannot come. Sorry again.

It’s not the end of the world to send a message being firm........

TheInvestigator · 18/05/2019 09:41

So a 5 year old is going to turn up at an 8 year olds party? She won't fit in and 8 year olds will not want to play with her. You need to tell the mum rather than ask. She isn't invited.

Beautiful3 · 18/05/2019 09:42

She is just a little girl. It was your daughter's mistake. I would let her come but learn a lesson from it. Next time YOU hand out the invites. If she asks for one just say, " sorry we don't have room for more". And leave it at that.

StCharlotte · 18/05/2019 09:42

These are the occasions I'm quite glad I couldn't have children Grin

SteveTheSpiderPlant · 18/05/2019 09:42

Actually I think it is mean to uninvite a 5 year old. It was your daughters mistake, at 8 she knew what she was doing handing out invites and if all the other invites were for children in her class she must have thought for a moment that it was odd that one 5 year old was invited.

I would let the child come and play with your DS for the party.

Also handing out invites in the playground is incredibly mean. At our school they are given to the teacher and the teaching assistant puts them in book bags at the end of the day.

piefacedClique · 18/05/2019 09:43

Send November’s message. You will feel empowered. Don’t allow the cheeky fuckery to continue!

DoolinEnnis · 18/05/2019 09:43

This ☝️☝️☝️☝️👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Jellybeansincognito · 18/05/2019 09:44

The mum sounds weird and is taking the piss.

Tell her when you next see her that under no circumstances will you pay for her to go to the party and if they turn up they’ll be expected to pay x (whatever it cost per head).

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 18/05/2019 09:44

Novembers message is spot on.

This Mum is making it your problem that she cannot say "No" to her child.

Why is that your issue?

It isn't a you didn't invite him so I'm not inviting you issue , Christiana went out of her way to tell the DS he wasn't invited . So she is aware (and sounds bloody spoiled)

HBStowe · 18/05/2019 09:45

I don’t understand how your 8 year old mistook a 5 year old girl for an 8 year old boy in her class Confused

Cherrysoup · 18/05/2019 09:45

Having a 5 year old at an 8 year old’s party is a bit shit. Woman up, OP, tell the mum. Just keep saying no.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/05/2019 09:45

I can actually see how a mistake in handing out invitations could occur, if there is a lot of excitement and hands reaching out and this CF-in-waiting is always hanging around when there are invitations on the go.

It may have been OP's DD was reading names off the envelopes and said "Christian" and a tiny hand just shot from behind her and grabbed it! (Yes, I know - pure speculation).

However OP, I agree with the posters who said why tell us if you aren't prepared to do something about it?

You don't need to be rude or unkind - just reiterate that there has been a mistake, that the party is inappropriate for a 5 year old, and that there will be a consolation prize of a slice of cake (good idea, poster who suggested this).

You say the mum has a CF reputation regarding children's parties - what other things has she done?

AlwaysCheddar · 18/05/2019 09:47

You need to send November’s email.

Why can they treat your kids badly but you let her treat your kids like this?

Acis · 18/05/2019 09:49

I agree that you really shouldn't relate this back to the incident with your son and Christiana's own birthday party. It's sufficient to say that you're really sorry for the mix-up, but the invitation was very clearly addressed to another child and you really can't have a 5 year old at a party for 8 year olds.

Persimmonn · 18/05/2019 09:49

Maybe use surnames on envelopipes from now on?

Thatnovembernight · 18/05/2019 09:49

Sorry if my text sounded petty. It wasn’t meant to. It’s just that from reading the OP, this child wouldn’t take no for an answer and badgered an invite to a previous party and the mother didn’t try to intervene or gently explain to her daughter that she wasn’t invited etc. Then the same child laboured the point that the OPs child was not invited to her party. Now the same family is playing up AGAIN. If this happened with my kids I would give them a hug if they felt disappointed but show them the wrong name on the invite and have a chat about how this person isn’t in their year or someone they are friends with. It wouldn’t be a big deal at all. I wouldn’t dream of telling the parent that we’re coming anyway! This mother has thicker skin than me.

My point was that if the girl could be reminded that she did not invite these kids to her party then maybe it isn’t that big a deal that she isn’t invited to theirs. Also a sole 5 year old at an 8 year olds birthday party (ie not mixed ages) would be a fish out of water IME so no fun for her at all. I really didn’t mean the text to come off as party invite point scoring.

Divebar · 18/05/2019 09:54

Does Christiana not go to enough parties? I know that in reception and year 1 my DD went to bloody loads... sometimes 3 in one weekend. We were never invited by 8 year olds though and I would have found it highly unusual to receive an invite from a child that my DD did not play with ( either in or out of school ) - ignoring the fact the invitation did presumably not have my child’s name on the front. So really you’ve got to send a message as suggested previously. As an aside it doesn’t take much effort to collate a list of numbers for parents and send out a WhatsApp or text message. ( which seems to be the preferred method around here). If you are doing traditional invitations then I don’t think letting the children hand them out in front of everyone is a particularly kind way of doing it. In our school the teacher puts them in the book bags and this method works really well.

Oldraver · 18/05/2019 09:54

I think you have to be firm with this mother. She isn't afraid of being a CF telling you she cant be made to understand...dont let her walk allover you

escapade1234 · 18/05/2019 09:54

Don’t you have a class WhatsApp group? Or emails addresses so you could invite via Paperless Post? Or just give them to the teacher to put in bags?

I have never seen children handing out their own party invitations at our school. It’s a bit of a power trip surely? Be discreet next time.