AIBU not to go to funerals

[Mallowmarshmallow]

A while ago, m husband's auntie passed away and we attended her funeral. I didn't know her very well but found it very very upsetting. The grief of her lovely family was the saddest.

One of her daughter's said her partner hadn't attended as he finds funerals too upsetting and I was wondering if I could be one of those people....

I assume nobody enjoys funerals but I find them really upsetting. I'm wondering if I could be the sort of person who supports before and after but doesn't actually attend the funeral. I might manage my own parents....or I might not.....

I don't go to funerals because I don't like them. I don't understand the need for mass mourning, although appreciate that some people do.

I also don't like weddings though, or really any organised compulsory fun.

I have only been to two funerals, one as a teen and one recently. I found as a teen, that I felt funeral services were not something I wished to attend or have myself in fact (although should my family need it then that's fine by me).

I do not generally attend them preferring to grieve/think alone but made an exception recently for a lovely friend after a tragic circumstance

Each to their own imo and no way is the right way.

Yes I get what you mean. Funerals shouldn't be compulsory.

But if everyone thought the same way...

My father's funeral was amazing. Standing room only.

It was so comforting that so many came to say goodbye.

I think yabu if I'm honest. Funerals are supposed to be miseable and upsetting, because death IS miserable and upsetting. What are you going to do? Pretend it doesn't happen? If turning up and being sad for a bit gives any comfort to the family, that's the least we can do.

I loathe funerals. Partially because I am any unsociable grump. Partially because I get weepy.

No one in their right mind goes to a funeral thinking it is going to be a nice day out. They are full of upset, bereaved people many of whom will be crying, shaking or in some way visibly upset.
You were upset seeing this as you admit you didn’t have a close relationship with the aunt so you were not feeling the legal of grief other mourners were. If you were then you would have been to involved with your own emotions to really notice the grief of others.
You could feel entily different at a funeral of someone close to you.

I get you OP. I don’t want to go to funerals (who does?). I will actively avoid them if I can because I’m too emotional regardless of the connection to the deceased. (greyfriars bobby anyone? ). I got equally distressed at the formal funeral of a colleage and that of my own mother. I can’t do collective grief. It has to be private and meaningful.

I love funerals

I'd like a job as an official mourner, I was thinking of retraining as celebrant

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean, no one likes funerals, everyone finds them upsetting. It's kindof the point.

But there are positives as well. You get to say goodbye to the person that you knew, and you get to support their friends and family (even if only by being there). And you benefit from that support as well.

YABU. You do it for the family who are grieving. You put your own feelings aside for a couple of hours. I hate funerals but would always attend if I felt it would be beneficial to other family and friends.

Right UnicornBrexit, you have to explain why you like funerals.

I have to say the attitude of 'Well, I don't enjoy or like them, they're upsetting (no shit, Sherlock)' etc etc is very Me, Me, Me.

You also go to support the family and friends of the deceased. if you have any empathy/sympathy/kindness about you.

Get over yourselves.

The kindest thing anyone ever did for me was drive 3 hours to my dad's funeral. She'd met him only once or twice. She was there for me. Being surrounded by people who care about those who are left behind is one of the nicest things someone can do. It's hard, of course. But it matters.

What Raaaaaah said.

You go to funerals to comfort the bereaved. Even if you don't speak to them, it's comforting for them to know that their loved one will be missed by other people or, if they had a difficult relationship with the deceased, to know that you're thinking of them enough to bother attending.

My mother's funeral was packed, and that was a huge comfort to me at the absolutely worst time of my life.

I don't think I would feel like people weren't supporting me if they didn't come to the funerals of my nearest and dearest though. I think I would respect that they were remembering and mourning in their own ways and that support can be provided in other ways.

Of course I'm not suggesting 'pretending it didn't happen'. I'm suggesting providing support in any way I can other than standing in a crematorium crying in a crowd of people mourning publicly.

As PP said, I totally respect this is the way some people choose to mourn but I would much rather not.

I think YABU. The whole point of funerals is to support those left behind, to take a few hours out to show you care. I'm Irish and we have a different attitude, we would go if we knew the deceased at all, and also if we are close to the bereaved at all. Funerals are much bigger, and more familiar since we go to so many.

I've been to a couple of funerals of young people, they were packed out and the size of the funerals seemed to embody the sheer awfulness of someone dying in their twenties. One was from a rural community and the whole village ground to a halt, in support of his family.

I wouldn't go as far as to say I love a funeral, but I think they're an important ritual and avoiding them just cos you don't like them is selfish. (Obviously doesn't apply to those traumatised by the previous loss of a child, for example, avoiding funerals in their wider circle.)

Your call. But i think funerals are for the living not the dead and personally I could not have got through my mum's without the fierce handholding and love of my friends. You have no idea how supported I felt with so many people turned out to pay their respects to her and support our family.

Getting over yourselves is a pretty shitty way to explain it. Funerals are archaic and down to personal expression. My mum was adamant she didn’t want anyone attending her cremation. She wanted everyone to have a cup of tea and a slice of cake at the local hotel.
Funerals are for those left behind however they are expressed. Supporting family and friends goes way way beyond 30 minutes of formal ceremony. Don’t be a Dick about empathy/ sympathy.

YABVU. When my mum died, the head from her school arranged for all staff to attend the funeral, leaving the pupils doing singing in the hall with new teachers (who didn't know her) and supply teachers. The Head, secretary and one teacher also opened our house/served tea etc at the wake till close family got back from the crem.

It meant the world to me to know that her colleagues thought so much of her. You're there to support the mourners. It's not meant to be a bundle of fun.

@SavageToast

Well a funeral is like a wedding (sort of), everyone puts on their glad rags, you get the sing song, the preaching, Aunt Mable is crying, then you bugger off down the pub for a shindig, but there's no bad DJ, the food is laid on and usually it's a free bar, everyone gets pissed and starts laughing.

At a wedding you cant hear anything because of screaming kids sliding across the floor, and you have to communicate in semaphore because you cant hear anything due to the aforementioned bad DJ blasting Oops Up Side Your Head at 120 decibels

What is not to like about a funeral? Just remember FUNERAL is an anagram of REAL FUN

UnicornBrexit, I don't think I'll ever be able to forget REAL FUN now. Aaaaaaargh.

It's not about you - people go to a funeral to support the bereaved family.

Having been in that situation, I know I appreciate the fact that so many people gave up time out of their day for my family, and am more likely to do the same for others than I might have been before.

Yabu. It’s not about you. Everyone dreads funerals, but sucks it up because to go is the right thing to do.

What is not to like about a funeral? Just remember FUNERAL is an anagram of REAL FUN

That actually did make me laugh out loud. I think you'd fit right in in Ireland Unicornbrexit

I'm Irish and have been going to funerals all my life. Doesn't bother me if I get weepy (I have been known to accidentally go to mass which is a funeral and weep down the back for someone I never knew). It would be pretty sad if no one wept at your death. I wouldn't judge anyone who couldn't cope with a funeral although I would possibly think you were a bit sappy - but then again if I knew you, I probably would just take it in my stride.

The funerals were the best bits of my parents' deaths. hard to get through but really nice to see all sorts of people honouring them with their presence in a ritual which my parents loved. I gave the eulogy for both of them and it was lovely to talk about them. Day to day getting on without them was much harder. The lunches after the funerals were a nice too - people weren't crying but telling funny stories about them, chatting, catching up. And my uncle told the single funniest joke I have ever heard at my dad's funeral lunch (even my deeply grieving mother couldn't help herself laughing). I've been at the funeral for a young person and again the ceremony was lovely even if gut-wrenchingly sad and the lunch after was the last celebration at which she would be the centre so was really meaningful. People weren't all crying at that either but were, again, talking about her and telling stories etc.