AIBU not to go to funerals

[Mallowmarshmallow]

A while ago, m husband's auntie passed away and we attended her funeral. I didn't know her very well but found it very very upsetting. The grief of her lovely family was the saddest.

One of her daughter's said her partner hadn't attended as he finds funerals too upsetting and I was wondering if I could be one of those people....

I assume nobody enjoys funerals but I find them really upsetting. I'm wondering if I could be the sort of person who supports before and after but doesn't actually attend the funeral. I might manage my own parents....or I might not.....

I'm Irish and have been going to funerals all my life. Me too. I think if you rarely go it's more traumatic.

Of course they are upsetting, but you go to support the family and to show respect to the deceased.

It's not about you, don't make it all about yourself. Most people would rather be somewhere else. In a way, the family deeply in mourning might not care about who is there, but in truth it would be even worst if no one bothered to turn up.

It's too upsetting for the loved ones, but it's not like they have a choice, do they. Their child/parent/partner is dead.

Nobody 'likes' funerals! you go to pay your respects and support the bereaved. It's not supposed to be an enjoyable day out!
In an nutshell. It's not about you.

Langrish, I organised a direct cremation recently, but there was also a celebration event (with a celebrant) for family and friends a couple of days later. I really like what you said about having something a few months later though - I'm going to give that some thought for myself. I wonder if that would shift the balance a little from grieving towards celebration.

@unicorn I knew before you said it that you were Irish . Some funerals are more enjoyable than weddings. Over here if youve just bumped into somebody now and again you will show up at their funeral and have some REAL FUN. I love your play on words. Obviously very sad at times but also a time when you play catch up with friends and family you haven't seen for ages.

Someone picks up a guitar and starts a tune and hey Presto you are still there 3 hours later.

Savage Toast

That’s exactly the idea, when the raw grief has passed, a beautiful place, a fabulous restaurant on the beach where we shared fantastic times with family and friends, a few corks popping and , everyone paddling in the sea and our ashes scattered off the cliffs when the sun is going down.
A happy day for people we loved.

Langrish, I love that idea 💛.

It's so important that we all think about our deaths, and plan what we'd like to happen afterwards now. If the worst happens, it will help our loved ones when they need it most.

Direct cremation is becoming more popular. I saw a firm advertising in national newspaper. One phone call after getting certificate and all taken care of. Family can remember how and where they want to later, when they like. That is how l am going to do it. I agree with OP, and am not going to put my family through it.

My dad was 99 when he died so you might assume there weren't many people at his funeral. The crematorium was packed. It was so comforting and uplifting on an awful day that so many people cared enough to come. His niece said "Uncle George would have loved that". Funerals are for the living and are the time support is really needed.

Funerals are part of being a fully paid up, adult member of a civilised society. They are part of the deal!

I have massive empathy. This is aibu and she asked and I shared my opinion. Suggest you fuck off back to your cloud.

To avoid every funeral just because - then yes YABU.

The funeral is part of the healing process for the family, and IMO is a mark of respect to both the departed and the family. It's not always likely to be easy, but the funeral and wake is often cathartic.

How do you feel about work OP? That isn't always much fun. I tend to have to turn up though.
Looking ahead to your own death, does it bother you that nobody turns up to pay their respects at a funeral, or support your family (who happen to not attend either). So it's just your body and the employee from the local court
I'm guessing you don't care because you'll be dead, but maybe you can get an idea of what it means to say goodbye.

Local council, not court 😃

Funerals are part of being a fully paid up, adult member of a civilised society. They are part of the deal!

No. Caring for the ill and dying; remembering the dead; and supporting the living are part of the deal.

Attending funerals is not.

I agree that you go to support the family. Making the effort to "pay your respects" shows the family that you appreciated their loved one.

I've noticed it becoming more common to have a short service at the crematorium, followed by a "memorial service" in a church afterwards to celebrate the person's life (obviously church doesn't apply for everyone, but among those I know).

There are so many different and varied ways of marking a death around the world. Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems all cultures have traditions for when someone has died. It seems to be a fundamental part of humanity to do something collectively at important times of life and at its end.

My mother, as I said, does not attend funerals due to the particular tradition she was brought up in.

She does, however, visit the old, ill and dying within her local community frequently, and has done for decades (it is a family joke that she now visits 'old ladies' who are 20+ years younger than she is). She also visits and comforts the bereaved. She tended both her parents and her mother in law until their deaths.

Which is more adult? Attending a single event, or doing the long, slow, difficult job week in and week out?

Danish, I would far prefer my family and friends were able to celebrate my life in whichever way most suited them rather than in a wooden council room at a crematorium with a celebrant who had never known me.

Langrish's suggestion of a celebration sounds lovely although equally I don't think I would be imposing anything upon those I love. I would prefer they got to remember/mourn/celebrate me in whichever way they felt was most appropriate rather than in a manner imposed upon them by societal norms....

Cantkeepaway, I agree. I'm talking about being there for every step of the journey apart from the half hour in the room with the celebrant.....

I totally get this doesn't sit well with some....

I'm properly astounded at the idea of not attending a funeral because you don't like them. As if all the other people there are just having a jolly day out. I honestly think I could never forgive someone who did that. It reminds me of relatives who didn't visit my dying dad because they found it too upsetting. Because dying in pain was a lot of fun for him of course and wasn't in any way made worse by the fact that people who supposedly loved him disappeared off the face of the earth. If they couldn't be arsed to have come to the funeral either I think I honestly would never have spoken to them again.

I watched my grandad quietly counting the mourners at my granny's funeral and it brought a lump to my throat.

I was willing it to be enough for him to feel okay and supported and that she was loved.

Oh Noeuf 💛.

You don’t go to a funeral for a nice day out, you go to support the family and friends of the person who has died, the people who are grieving. I can say that it really is a comfort when you’re grieving to know that your friends and other family members are there to support you.

Obviously it isn’t a nice day out to go to a funeral, but they can be really memorable occasions as you share memories of your loved one who has passed away.

Yabu imo
I have been to funerals that I really didn't want to go to, i mean who the fuck wants to go to a childs funeral, but you go to support the family.
No one likes funeral, least of all the bereaved, but its a mark of respect and support.

I don't find them fun. But I will always go. I can't imagine having a badly attended funeral.