AIBU not to go to funerals

[Mallowmarshmallow]

A while ago, m husband's auntie passed away and we attended her funeral. I didn't know her very well but found it very very upsetting. The grief of her lovely family was the saddest.

One of her daughter's said her partner hadn't attended as he finds funerals too upsetting and I was wondering if I could be one of those people....

I assume nobody enjoys funerals but I find them really upsetting. I'm wondering if I could be the sort of person who supports before and after but doesn't actually attend the funeral. I might manage my own parents....or I might not.....

I was really touched by how many people attended my dads funeral; it showed to me how many peoples lives he’d touched and how well liked and regarded he was. I was incredibly touched by how many people made the long journey and attended something that was quite difficult. For the reason I would always go to someone’s funeral if it was someone I knew well enough.
I’m sorry to sound harsh but by saying you wouldn’t go because it’d upset you makes into about you when it should be about the person who died and those closest to them. As has been said they aren’t supposed to be fun.

Yes, I agree with those who say that it is important to attend out of respect to those who have died, and to show solidarity with their relatives and loved ones.

My Dad attended so many funerals, and he would always say there would be no-one left to go to his, because all his friends had died. We put a notice in the paper when he did, and some people turned up who he'd worked with, including some who had apprenticed with him. We were so touched that they had come. I felt like he would have been really chuffed if he had been watching.

I also felt a great sense of closure from his funeral - and from those of other relatives, and patients.

It's not something I would choose to do, but there are so many benefits to attending funerals/memorials - for all involved.

@Pallisters - Indeed, Im of some Irish stock!

Funerals are the indeed the best part of death, everyone coming together, telling stories, gathering round, Ive been to three this year, all terribly tragic, too early deaths, but we celebrates, and everyone took comfort from that. Big funerals too, one must have easily had 700 people, he was a fireman. Another for someone we went to school with, people arent supposed to die in their mid 50's and people h hadn't seen for 45 years came, and we all caught up, friendships renewed.

No not at all. Some people believe it’s the right thing to do & need them, others don’t for whatever reason.

I almost didn’t go to my mom’s funeral due to me having strong urges to kill my SOL when I came face to face with her. Bro insisted upon organizing the wake, although I was happy to do it. He didn’t invite anyone, apart from a few very odd people. Then he got some silly old twat to read a eulogy, praising him & SOL for caring for mom ... in reality they rarely visited her unless they wanted money. The useless piece of shit had one thing to do & he couldn’t even get that right! It broke my heart as my mom was a very popular lady, & she deserved so much more than a cheap buffet in a derelict pub.

Funerals should be a joyous celebration of a life and all in my family have been. The wake always ending in stories and laughter about the departed. To be fair I've never been to a young person's funeral.

I've been to quite a lot of funerals but they leave me numb, they're not what makes me feel anything. Often the priest/ vicar celebrant doesn't know the person and they're the equivalent of a hallmark condolence card: generic.

The people who attend, aside from the closest friends and relatives, are often to some extent grief tourists or dwelling on their own personal mortality. The genuinely devastated can't always face the public formalities.

They help some people, but if you're not religious and the deceased wasn't they're meaningless and grief is a private thing. Like a pp I dislike weddings too though, in fact even more...

For some people funerals are genuinely unbearable. I'm thinking of those people who have lost someone, often literally, and there is no body to bury, hence no funeral to attend. People who've died in war, or lost at sea, or any manner of tragedy where a loved one's remains can't be put to rest.

My father disappeared. He resurfaced on the other side of the world some months later and died shortly after. We couldn't attend his funeral because we didn't know he'd died until an astonishing coincidence 6 weeks later, when someone we knew in that country stumbled across the information and realised it was him.

So for me, funerals are hard to get through without crumbling. It feels disrespectful to the family of the deceased to be weeping uncontrollably (when they are calm and dignified in their grief) so I avoid going if I possibly can. Not just for me but to spare everyone.

I'm 35 and have been to too many funerals already. I've missed the passed two due to lack of childcare, but don't regret it.

I would suggest from you post you have never lost anyone significant. When you do which I hope is not for a very very very long time reread this post. I took great comfort at my dads funeral from the attendance and memories shared by others. I wouldn’t be interested in anyone who thought they would show up after to support me. I would think they were rather pathetic actually.

OK. This might sound harsh, but people go to funerals not only to say goodbye to the person who has died but as a demonstration of support to their closest loved ones. Stop thinking about yourself, put on your big girl pants and do the right thing

Pathetic. Really? Empathy not your strong point, is it @user1511042793

After my Dad died Mum went to very few funerals as they brought back too many memories. She certainly wasn't pathetic user1511042793

But almost everyone would 'rather not'. Then again it's not really about you. It's about showing up for people.

If you're embarrassed about showing emotion or something, either knock some Rescue Remedy back or mentally switch off during the service (is what I do) but I really think you'd be unreasonable not to go. Actually I think that would be the choice of a selfish dick. Sorry.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

I don't like them. Not because they upset me or distress me, I just do not like them. I used to work in a job which involved a lot of death and I never went to a single one.

It doesn't mean I didn't mourn those deaths. I won't have a funeral when I die. I'd rather everyone just went for a pint.

People who say they don’t like funerals remind me of my brother who said he couldn’t come to visit us when my DD was sick recently as he “didn’t like hospitals”. No one likes them, but you go to support those you care about who are having a horrible time. Obviously there are those with particular issues who I can imagine having a genuine reason for avoiding funerals, but it would be a tiny minority (and doesn’t sound as if it includes you OP). And I feel really sorry for your poor cousin whose DP wouldn’t support her at one of the hardest times in her life...

Nobody 'likes' funerals!

You go to pay your respects and support the bereaved. It's not supposed to be an enjoyable day out!

YABU and selfish, it's not about how you feel.

@Mallowmarshmallow - when my lovely MIL died, the church was packed for her funeral, and I can’t put into words how much the support and love meant to her dh, dbil, the dses, her other close relatives and me.

I know funerals are tough and upsetting, but they are not long, and the benefits to the deceased’s loved ones is immeasurable, and outweighs the short term discomfort you feel, in my opinion.

I don't see the point of them I didn't go to my father's and will not go to my mother's and I won't be having one myself.....

Audacity I think that's the worst possible way to attend a funeral. I'd much prefer someone to not attend than to go and 'mentally switch off'. Be present or be absent.

You also go to support the family and friends of the deceased. if you have any empathy/sympathy/kindness about you

Totally this. My sister's funeral was beautiful. It was tough, there were tears, and it was sad. It was also so lovely for her two children to see how many people cared about their mum - many travelled a huge distance. I believe it really helped, and it helped friends and family mourn.

Just thinking about it makes me smile, although there are tears running down my face right now.

A colleague is in end of life care because of cancer. I will drop everything and attend his funeral because I want his wife and very young children to know what an amazing person he is.

It's not about you. Sometimes you do things you don't like/want to because you do it for others.

I know where you are coming from OP. I hate it all too. I don't find it comforting or healing etc. If I'm grieving I don't want a load of randomers with a tenuous connection showing up.

In my family tradition (seems to be a South Wales thing), women don't go to funerals.

I don't go to family funerals because of the offence it would cause. I have been to MiL's - DH's family on the other hand are big funeral tourists and not to have attended would have caused deep offence - to a college friend's,. and to the memorial service for my grandfather and uncle.

My very elderly mother does now attend some, if my father is unable to attend, as his representative, so the tradition is weakening. However neither of us would attend a funeral of someone we knew shared the tradition - because it is not for us for our grief to trump the potential offence for others.

Nope, you’re not BU. We’re having direct cremations. We don’t want people wailing on our behalf and wakes/teas are just bloody weird.

A lovely, happy remembrance lunch months later in our favourite place for all of our family/friends is written down.

I agree with you. I hate funerals. I cry (at everything) despite my best efforts not to. I went to my grandmother's funeral a few years ago and despite barely knowing her and sadly not being that upset about her passing I was sobbing just because of the whole experience...the sympathetic looks and questions really get to me. To me I'm then drawing attention away from those who are actually grieving.

I don't want a funeral and have made my wishes clear, I don't want to put anyone through that. I'd much rather someone just took time out of that day to remember or light a candle for me and in no way would I ever judge anyone for not attending a funeral for someone close to me.

I hate the duty that is put on people to attend them.