AIBU not to go to funerals

[Mallowmarshmallow]

A while ago, m husband's auntie passed away and we attended her funeral. I didn't know her very well but found it very very upsetting. The grief of her lovely family was the saddest.

One of her daughter's said her partner hadn't attended as he finds funerals too upsetting and I was wondering if I could be one of those people....

I assume nobody enjoys funerals but I find them really upsetting. I'm wondering if I could be the sort of person who supports before and after but doesn't actually attend the funeral. I might manage my own parents....or I might not.....

@tunnocksreturns2019 I'm so glad to see you
I have thought about you so often and your children
How are things going

I think YABU. The whole point of funerals is to support those left behind, to take a few hours out to show you care

Agree. It’s not about you....and nor should it be. You go to show support to the people left behind. If your feeling upset is more important than showing care and support for them, then you really shouldn’t consider yourself a good friend.

I think to not go to funerals as a grown adult because you don’t like them is incredibly selfish.

Nobody likes going to funerals but as other people have pointed out, you go to comfort the deceased’s family and as a mark of respect.

I find funerals an important part of the grieving process. Typically the service makes me cry but the wake afterwards is normally a real bonding experience that brings people together and cheers them up.

If someone had told me they weren't coming to my son's funeral because they didn't like funerals or couldn't handle it I would've decked them

I understand how you feel.

However I'd be very disappointed if any of my nearest and dearest declined to come to the funeral of someone I love simply because they find them upsetting. I'd hope they could put their love for the bereaved first.

I'd be even more disappointed if I discovered they went shopping while the funeral was ongoing, or swimming or whatever.

And I'd distance myself completely if they turned out to be the sort of people who think that saying "let me know if there's anything I can do" is showing their support.

It's lovely to see you back @tunnocksreturns2019

Hope you and the kids are doing ok, I think of you often when I'm on here x

I can't help picturing the ones "too upset to go to funerals" (when even the poor parents have to drag themselves through that) the same ones making a scene in the Sistine Chapel because #sensitivity.

'I find funerals an important part of the grieving process. Typically the service makes me cry but the wake afterwards is normally a real bonding experience that brings people together and cheers them up.'

I realize that this is true of many people, but not of me: the service may make me cry, but may help me pay my respect to the person who died. I am not religious, but if I were, would find the service more of a comfort. But when I am in a state of grief, 'hell is other people', and it is really the wake, and the requirement to be social, at a time when I need absolute and total privacy, that is most devastating. In any case, if you are not a close relative of the person who died, then I think you have to do what would comfort those who are. Often this means that you should go to the funeral. On the other hand, it may sometimes mean allowing them their privacy and space, and not taking it personally if they reject condolences and prefer to be alone for a while; or at least prefer not to discuss the bereavement with others.

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Not going to funerals as an adult because they make you upset is like the relative who said their partner didn’t visit me in hospital after a birth ‘because she didn’t like hospitals’, or don’t take their baby for vaccinations themselves ‘because they get so upset’... honestly, I do think some people just need to be adults,

Imo funerals should be attended in the same way as weddings are, ie by close family and friends.

When I've been very upset at the loss of a close relative the last thing I want is to feel like there's an audience, with someone from 20 years ago 'paying their respects' or in fact having a nose.

It's like a badge of honour when people say 'oh the church was packed'. So what really. It's who was there when they were alive that is far more important.

I don't think I'd ever get through a funeral without a very wet face because they all take me back to the first one I went to when I was a child which was my dad's. The best ones are where you laugh through the tears, and despite the sadness, you celebrate that the deceased had lived.

I find the going to support someone you were aquainted with much harder, they are the ones that open my old grief much more. But it's still important to go and support the living, and show that there is care about their loss.

There are reasons why pretty much every culture has had death rites.

I think that the secret to successful adulting is often to just turn up. Just turning up makes such a difference to the people around us. It wasn't always the case, but these day I make an effort to turn up for everything (weddings, funerals, baptisms, general visiting of the sick and elderly)- I always used to assume that nobody noticed if I was there or not, but having had some major losses myself I realised that they really do.

Also, you should be aware that not going to a funeral will often be interpreted as a statement of disinterest or disrespect towards the deceased. At the very least, it will seem selfish, especially for family funerals. When my daughter died 12 years ago, not one of my siblings turned up either to my house or to the funeral and I still struggle to forgive them. But the father of my first boyfriend came and sat quietly at the back and probably didn't realise that I saw him, but I did. Unfortunately he died himself not long afterwards and we were sure to be as helpful and supportive to his family as we could (and of course we attended his funeral) because we'd seen the difference it can make .

If the family or the deceased have decided not to have a funeral that's totally different to them arranging one and people deciding not to go. The holding of a funeral is a fairly obvious statement that the family wants people to come and support them.

It's like a badge of honour when people say 'oh the church was packed'.So what really

Because to do that you have to make an effort, possibly take holiday time if it's not a close relation, so everyone who turns up is saying something about that dead person. It is an honour.

It depends who it is, it's easier to attend those of people you didn't know as well (I have to for work) but it's something you do get used to, occupational hazard for me!. As an adult there's times when it's reasonable to not go but if it's close family or a friend, or that of your partner you need to put your uncomfortableness behind you are remember that it's really important to many loved ones to have a proper funeral. It's for the living remember.

I think it's a mark if respect and it isn't nice not to go, especially if it's for selfish reasons.

Btw, some people do like funerals, or strictly speaking the food after - we have not quite a barred list but a number or people we encourage to leave because they turn up to every funeral which has refreshments to follow.

Also, you should be aware that not going to a funeral will often be interpreted as a statement of disinterest or disrespect towards the deceased.

Weirdly, in the tradition - strong South Wales churchgoing - I was brought up in, a woman attending a funeral would be a statement of disrespect to the person who died and their family - because to attend would be to make your own wishes and grief more important than the wishes and tradition of the family and the person who died.

As I say, the tradition is dying out - I attended none of my grandparents' funerals, but I will attend my parents' (and they have been careful to document this in their plans, in order to avoid any ambiguity or misunderstanding). I give the example only to say that on some occasions, staying away from funerals is the best sign of respect and interest in the deceased and bereaved.

some people do like funerals, or strictly speaking the food after

My FiL, a widower, attends every possible funeral, of those who he barely knows or friends of friends or people he has not seen for 50 years. They are his only social events. I suspect his slightly incongruous attendance at many is regarded at best with amused tolerance, in other cases with a sigh.

I would far prefer my family and friends were able to celebrate my life in whichever way most suited them rather than in a wooden council room at a crematorium with a celebrant who had never known me

How many funerals have you been to? Like PPs I've been going to funerals since a child and took my own children to funerals. The only time I've seen a funeral that fits this description was for an old chap in a care home who died without family and outlived most of his friends. There was nobody who really knew him to contribute to it.

Like weddings and namings/Christenings its a part of life which means a lot to the main participants. When DF died even DM was taken aback by the number of people who travelled long distances just to attend, remember him and offer their support and condolences. It was hugely comforting to all of us.

We don't generally go to funerals for ourselves, we do it for other people.

I quite like the idea of becoming an 'I don't do funerals' person. I haven't found any of the ones I've been to an opportunity to say goodbye because it was too painful, I didn't want to bloody say goodbye, I want them back! I definitely see how a packed out crem or church can bring comfort to a grieving relative though. My beloved and cherished Dad filled the church and there were people outside the doors, only much much later did that bring me some solace though.
Funerals suck and death can do one.

I give the example only to say that on some occasions, staying away from funerals is the best sign of respect and interest in the deceased and bereaved.

I think that's fair enough, if that's what the tradition is. I didn't go to the graveside at my father's funeral, and actually at most funerals I go to, because in my background only the men go to the graveside. I knew that my father wouldn't have 'expected' me to be there. Although nor would he have felt offended by the idea.

But refusing to go to a funeral where you know that the cultural background is that people are welcome to attend, and the family want people to attend, just because you find it unpleasant is so insulting that I can hardly get my head round it. Sometimes in life we suck it up and do things we don't want to. There's not a person alive who would rather be at a funeral than having a nice time somewhere else and it's incredibly self absorbed to suggest that somehow it's different for them.

I have attended more funerals than wedding/christenings put together unfortunately. I missed my nana's funeral because we live 300 miles away and the week of the funeral my DS had just started school and was logistically extremely difficult to arrange to get there. The day of the funeral I took myself off to the workplace chapel and sat quietly for 20 minutes or so thinking about her at about the time the funeral was taking place so i was there in thought. My not being there didn't mean i didn't grieve any less or think about her any less than i would if i had been there. 'Luckily' this year i was able to attend my godmothers funeral and as it was in the same town i was able to visit my nana and grandads grave and pay my respects.
Personally I don't think I care of 1 or 100 people attend my funeral. Show me you love me while I'm alive rather than dead

I don't do funerals
Unless I really have to
Been to too many now

That's lovely, Dobby.

I wrote the eulogy for my maternal grandmother's funeral. I just didn't attend it. Tradition is a strange thing.