AIBU not to go to funerals

[Mallowmarshmallow]

A while ago, m husband's auntie passed away and we attended her funeral. I didn't know her very well but found it very very upsetting. The grief of her lovely family was the saddest.

One of her daughter's said her partner hadn't attended as he finds funerals too upsetting and I was wondering if I could be one of those people....

I assume nobody enjoys funerals but I find them really upsetting. I'm wondering if I could be the sort of person who supports before and after but doesn't actually attend the funeral. I might manage my own parents....or I might not.....

I'm with Nanny Ogg - apart from those who have a diagnosed 'trigger reflex' that will cause them to be ill, anyone else who can't make the effort to support those closest to the diseased is putting themselves and their feelings above anyone else. Very me, me, ME... 🙄

Sigh - 'deceased' obviously...

Unless the cultural background states otherwise, I think not turning up at a funeral only says : " I don't give a shit, I can't be bothered".
It's the worst time to be unkind.

Of course, not everybody can take time off from work, leave sick relatives, there are plenty of very good reasons. But when it's because you feel a bit too sensitive, it's mean.

@thighofrelief101

fox I completely agree. Quite frankly unless you have been around the deceased within the past year of their life why bother at the funeral - too late surely? I've been shamed into attending funerals of people I hadn't met. I had nothing at all to contribute and don't know how my presence was supposed to have helped anyone. I'm not doing it anymore unless I feel that I will mourn the person's death, how can I if I've never met them?

Exactly!

@isabellerossignol

Am I reading your post right??? The parents of your deceased cousin (who you've had nothing to do with since childhood,) have never forgiven' your sibling who couldn't attend the cousin's funeral? A cousin that neither you (or your sibling) had had anything to do with, for several decades?

Good grief. With people like that, you're better off with them not in your life. Your sibling is better off with the cousin's parents 'never forgiving' them IMO.

You say your cousin's wife didn't even know who you were, so she also would not have known your sibling either. So I cannot understand the big deal that they didn't go to the funeral.

I think it was perfectly acceptable for your sibling to not go, given the circumstances, (like the fact you'd all had nothing to do with each other for several decades.) If you wanted to go, that's up to you, but I know for a fact that I would not be going to the funeral of a person, if we had had nothing to do with each for several decades - even it was someone I was related to.

If they had meant that much to me, I would have maintained contact with them over the years. Anyone who I have lost contact with (or has lost contact with me,) means nothing to me. Therefore, I would not attend their funeral. And I certainly would not want them at mine, with their faux mourning, and 'competitive grief.'

@ManchesterBorn

Unless the cultural background states otherwise, I think not turning up at a funeral only says : " I don't give a shit, I can't be bothered".

Oh yeah I agree, if it's someone you know, someone who has been in your life constantly for many years, and someone you care about.

Going to the funeral of someone you have not been in contact with for several decades, is somewhat attention-seeking, and quite honestly insulting. You couldn't be arsed with them when they were alive, (for MANY years,) so why are you showing your face now?

I can only surmise that people who do this are either a) feeling guilty and bad for not being arsed for so many years. OR b) there to see if there's anything for them in the will. OR c) there to be nosey, to make out they care, and to get a free buffet and free drinks.

As I said, they were never around when the deceased person was alive, so what are they trying to prove by turning up for their funeral several decades last being in contact?!

The first funeral I went to was when I was 16 and it was a school friends funeral. I haven't been to a funeral since, without sounding self absorbed as obviously it was far worse for her family I think the whole event of watching her being airlifted to hospital then going to her funeral left me a bit traumatised.

I went to four funerals in quick succession a few years ago, only one of them really felt like it represented the person who had died (and was wonderful) and the last one was truly awful. After that I decided I wouldn't attend any more unless it was absolutely necessary. Personally I don't want a funeral (I know, I'll be dead etc) and would prefer the money to be put to better use.

Am I reading your post right??? The parents of your deceased cousin (who you've had nothing to do with since childhood,) have never forgiven' your sibling who couldn't attend the cousin's funeral? A cousin that neither you (or your sibling) had had anything to do with, for several decades?

Not exactly. My sibling couldn't be bothered to go. It wasn't about the deceased, it was about not extending sympathy to the living. Not being arsed to turn up and say 'we had great times together as children, I'm sorry this has happened'. And I specifically said there was no competitive grief, we weren't weeping and wailing. We shook hands and said sorry. My sibling couldn't be bothered making that effort and it caused great hurt. And my sibling would be the first to be offended about non attendance at a funeral if they were the one who had lost a close relative. But they think it only works one way.

It's probably worth mentioning at this point that we are Irish. And in my background it is so horribly offensive to not attend a funeral that you might as well go and take a dump on the grave as well.

I only go to close family or friends, basically where I wouldn’t look out of place breaking my heart! I never go to colleagues or acquaintances as I am too emotional and embarrass myself even if I hardly knew them!

I’ve seen so many living people make somebody else’s funeral about them. It’s not. It’s about paying respect to somebody you knew and loved. Isn’t that the least you can do for somebody you claimed to love?

It's probably worth mentioning at this point that we are Irish. And in my background it is so horribly offensive to not attend a funeral that you might as well go and take a dump on the grave as well.

I'm not in Ireland, but the culture here is similar in many respects. When my siblings didn't come to my baby's funeral, it caused genuine shock and months of gossip. You can just about get away with one person from each generation going to a funeral if they are only your 27th cousin 9 times removed on your granny's cat's side, but for anyone else it looks actively insulting to not bother. I tend to forget that not all places are like that.

What I have ZERO tolerance for, is people turning up at funerals of people they have had naff-all to do for 14-15 years or more.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. I went to funeral of an old school friend, actually he lived less than 10 doors form me. I haven't seen him for the thick end of 15 years because he became terribly ill and reclusive because he didn't want people to see him as a shadow of the person he used to be. I did however see his father nearly every day and pass the time. So as much as I respected my friends decision to withdraw from life, I went to his funeral, as did 200 other people, many of whom we hadn't seen since primary school some 45 years ago, but primarily we went for his Dads sake.

I think actually, this is somewhere society has broken down a bit. We're all entitled to opinions and in my opinion death is important, the rituals surround it are important too. Only some people think they are too important to be full functioning members of society now. In the good old days the town or village would shut shop early and every one in the community would go. We now live in a society where people barely talk to their own family let alone their neighbours.

I was shocked, well not shocked, but very disappointed when a colleague of DHs passed suddenly. He was one of the firms directors and much loved. Would the other three shut for the afternoon and allow staff to attend? They could quite easily have left new(er) staff on the phones and allowed everyone 2 hours out to attend, but they didn't. Poor behaviour I thought.

People simply done care any more for anything out of their own little world. These will be the same twats who regurgitate 'call me' mental health memes and don't know the name of NDN or ever make eye contact with them. Very insular, dysfunctional and isolated existence some people lead.

thigh good decision, saves a lot of angst

I would have liked that for dad but mum felt he had too much "status" and that loads of people would have asked her why there wasn't a fuss and flap funeral.

someone mentioned celebrants who know nothing about the
deceased...the priest got my dad's name wrong at his funeral. Fair enough, he'd never met him and got given something in handwriting where it was easy to mistake a letter.

my point is, people don't necessarily function as part of a community and the only priest who knew dad wasn't available on the day we wanted. It's probably like weddings now. It's hard to know who is turning up because they feel obliged, who genuinely wants to be there and why etc.

I remember being worried when I joined MN and read things like "you can't control who turns up at a funeral" and "there will be an announcement in the paper, you can't hide it". For a minute there I genuinely thought people could find out that easily!!

I remember being worried when I joined MN and read things like "you can't control who turns up at a funeral" and "there will be an announcement in the paper, you can't hide it". For a minute there I genuinely thought people could find out that easily!!

Are death notices just an Irish thing? I heard a rumour the other day that someone I went to school with had died. I googled the death notice and sure enough she had. Her name, address, names of her husband and children,siblings and late parents, her home address, the fact she had been ill for a long time, the date, venue and time of the funeral and the family request that instead of flowers people contribute to X charity. All of that was publicly available to anyone who has a phone and internet access. And then it will appear in print in the local paper too (although by that time it will have been edited slightly as the funeral will be over).

You do know the deceased’s family write and pay for death notices?

You do know the deceased’s family write and pay for death notices?

Yes, of course I do. But I have never in my life heard of someone not doing it. I was wondering if they are not done outside of Ireland?

I got confused and thought maybe the registry sent notices somewhere. Everything is so alarmingly public - perhaps it was a stupid thing to think but when I lost people before my dad, it was the case that their families did put notices in the paper etc ....then I joined MN and I heard so many people saying "you can't just invite certain people to a funeral, it's public knowledge etc" I found myself wondering WTF was going on.

all these people saying things like "I've never heard of there not being a death notice" confused me too, even though my parents had a couple of friends who just had direct cremations etc.

I'm pretty sure death notices are written by friends or relations, they aren't an officially buerocratic document, only a death certificate is. Obviously death certificates carry less information but are public record, as birth certificates are. They will list date and cause if death but not how long any illness was not any information about funerals, and the only other person mentioned is the informant who registered the death.

Even people who have direct cremations can have death notices, they just don’t include details of the funeral.

well of course they can have death notices, but I was thinking more of the "keeping it private" thing - I was quite scared when I joined MN because so many posters made it sound impossible, hence why I thought perhaps notices were generated after the death was registered or something.

Funerals are about supporting the bereaved, not about your feelings. They are supposed to be difficult. My DH lost his dad young and finds them awful but he still goes because he’s a grown up.

Death notices were placed in the local paper and indeed the one where my dad grew up when he died.

As for attending funerals, I think you should go out of support for the close family of the bereaved. If you do not want one yourself, that it your choice and after your death it should be respected.

Going to the funeral of someone you have not been in contact with for several decades, is somewhat attention-seeking, and quite honestly insulting.

seriously?
Well, yes, if the "guest" starts making a show, sobbing hysterically and throwing themselves on the casket in a fit of despair, I would agree.

Any normal human being who comes to show their respect is doing the right thing!

Unless the family has specifically requested a private funeral, it's the polite thing to do to attend, even if it's only your neighbour. You don't have to intrude at the wake later on. It's the opposite of insulting.

Funerals are bad enough, but how even more depressing if no one turns up.

Death notices are certainly done in Scotland. When both DM and DF died, I had the notices placed in the local papers, The Scotsman, which is a national paper, and the local paper from the area where my parents are from.

@crazyasafox, it was me who mentioned that there were over 300 people at DM's funeral. I knew virtually every single person and she had definitely seen or interacted with them all in the preceding 12 months. There were also 9 ministers there from pretty much any denomination you care to name. However, I can say from experience that this is not that unusual. As I said, I have played for thousands of funerals and often there it was standing room only. I once had someone sitting on the pew right beside the organ and helpfully handing me my music when I reached for it. I have also seen every single kind of bad behaviour you could possibly imagine.

My former stepson was one to sit outside the crematorium because 'he doesn't like funerals'. One time he was sitting in his car with the radio blasting. He was a coward. Not going in meant he could avoid having to interact with the rest of his family while they were upset. Then he would trundle along to the wake and have a drink and still manage to avoid his family.

Funerals are not a new thing. They have been happening for thousands of years and there is a good reason for this. It allows a form of closure and for the bereaved person to start to be able to move on with their life. Part of the closure is knowing that others are thinking about you and have come to remember the person you have lost.

When my mum died I had no way of contacting an old neighbour who had been a good friend. He must have seen the funeral notice in the local paper and I was so pleased to see him at the back of the church . He disappeared before I had chance to speak to him but I really appreciated him being there .

No, death notices are not automatically sent out/ published; many people don't have them. I agree with those who say that if someone hasn't kept in touch previously with either the person who died or their family, there is generally little point in attending the funeral. You can only be a support to the relatives at such a time, if you know them, or at least knew the person who died. There are 'foul weather friends' as well as 'fair weather friends': some of the most important things in friendship include consistency and really knowing the person, and people who only turn up at a death or other bad time will often have no idea how to help or contribute, and may make matters worse. Of course, this is my perspective (and I am someone who would prefer to have no funeral at all when I go); and I realize that some people would prefer to have as many people as possible come to their funerals, or their family members' funerals.