AIBU not to go to funerals

[Mallowmarshmallow]

A while ago, m husband's auntie passed away and we attended her funeral. I didn't know her very well but found it very very upsetting. The grief of her lovely family was the saddest.

One of her daughter's said her partner hadn't attended as he finds funerals too upsetting and I was wondering if I could be one of those people....

I assume nobody enjoys funerals but I find them really upsetting. I'm wondering if I could be the sort of person who supports before and after but doesn't actually attend the funeral. I might manage my own parents....or I might not.....

I think funerals are so important. Modern Western societies are so devoid of rituals and the passing of a person I think needs some kind of ritual. It's a way to say goodbye, to contemplate the person and death itself and a chance to show respect to the person and their family. I'd be very upset in only a few came to my parents funerals. My uncle's funeral recently was unbearably sad but one of the most beautiful things I've experienced. It wasn't religious and it was so deeply personal to him - the music, the words, the readings. Of course funerals are upsetting but life isn't always happy. Death is part of life and should be marked.

Having recently attended both the funeral and the memorial for a friend and having seen what great comfort it gave her husband and children I think YABU. I can understand not wanting to attend the funeral of distant family and acquaintances but close family and friends? Up to you but I fear you could alienate a lot of people.

If a funeral is being held, then you go if you can IMO. I just had to miss a friend's sister's funeral because there would have been nobody left at work that day, but I feel crap about it. I spent yesterday with my friend instead and that's good as far as it goes. Not the same though. I appreciate everyone who came to dh's funeral so much. No doubt there are people who think i was mourning inappropriately/making a show by having a big funeral and wake, and having the coffin leave from the street so the neighbours could say goodbye, and they are entitled to their opinion. My DH DIED. He died suffering and we will never see him again. I did what was right for me and ds to try and process some of that. The idea that we should have shut the door and not had any acknowledgement of his death- unbearable.

Maybe skip the service and go to the wake? The service is the truely miserable part, the wake is slightly better (only slightly!). Still send a nice card, donation or flowers etc.

Are death notices just an Irish thing?

No. The family typically write the announcements and place them. IME though once you start telling immediate friends and family the phone tree reaches out to let people know as well.

I don't think its attention seeking to attend a funeral just because you were not frequently visting with the dead person. I've been to many funerals where people have travelled to attend, offered quiet condolences to the family , maybe just mentioned a memory or two, and then travelled back home.

Maybe skip the service and go to the wake? The service is the truely miserable part, the wake is slightly better (only slightly!).

Skip the part which the family will be finding most difficult and just rock up for the free drinks?

I've know many people turn up just to the funeral and skip the wake but never the other way around.

'Maybe skip the service and go to the wake? The service is the truely miserable part, the wake is slightly better (only slightly!). Still send a nice card, donation or flowers etc.'

For some people (me) it would be the total opposite. The service is sad, but it is a way of paying respects to the person who died, without having to socialize; and especially for those who are at all religious, may be the most important aspect. The wake - having to socialize at a time of grief with others who are either also in a bad state of mind or excessively jolly or even quarrelsome- is the most upsetting for me. Also, unless the family specifically suggested that one come just for the wake, it could give the impression that you're just there for the free goodies.

'anyone else who can't make the effort to support those closest to the diseased is putting themselves and their feelings above anyone else. Very me, me, ME... 🙄'

But surely exactly the same is true of someone who presses condolences and rituals on someone who finds that it adds to their grief?

I agree that people should think first of the family members of the person who died, rather than just of themselves. But that works both ways: forcing someone to engage in social rituals when this adds to their grief, is just as bad as refusing to do so when they've indicated that they do wish it.

There is a bit of a cliche at the moment that 'it is better to say the wrong thing than nothing at all'. I agree that going to the extreme of totally avoiding a bereaved person out of fear of saying the wrong thing, is generally hurtful and counterproductive. But short of that extreme, I would rather that people said nothing than were over-intrusive, or told me how to grieve.

I have only been to one funeral and it gave me so much anxiety beforehand, I really didn’t want to do it. It wasn’t as bad as I’d figured it would be but obviously not great and I hope I don’t have to attend one again for many years.

Obviously no one enjoys funerals at all. I’d only attend close relatives or friends.

'it is better to say the wrong thing than nothing at all'

I disagree with this. Some people slip up and say the most stupid things imaginable, it only causes more harm than good.

I had to beg my DP to attend his father's funeral. On reflection i wish i hadn't.

But surely exactly the same is true of someone who presses condolences and rituals on someone who finds that it adds to their grief?

I don't think anyone on the thread was talking about doing that. People had said that Eg in their tradition women don't go to funerals and no one was suggesting that women should just turn up anyway.

I wouldn't normally mention this but I feel it's very pertinent. My beloved Dad is desperately ill (and old) and things are only going one way. My immediate family and I have decided that we cannot bear the thought of interacting with anyone but ourselves when the time comes. Therefore if this is how I process grief I don't want to attend funerals. In future I'm going to say "no, it's too upsetting that's why we didn't have a funeral for Dad". What has been lovely is people randomly popping round to say hi to mum and dad with small treats.

I'm one of those odd people who enjoys funerals.

I have been to quite a few recently - mainly of people in their 80s and 90s (I'm in my late 50s so my parents' generation are dying). I enjoyed them all, including those of my parents. Funeral services are a celebration of the person's life, and all the ones I have been to have included some laughter as well as tears - even the most traumatic two, which were of a 17 year old and 33 year old killed in a road accidents.

As many others have said, funerals are for the living, not the dead, though I hope my parents would have approved of their funerals. Personally, I was touched by some of the people who turned up. For example, one of my oldest friends drove over 200 miles to my mother's funeral, attended the service and cemetery, but didn't stay for the wake as he had to get back for work in the evening. And several of my father's work colleagues attended his funeral, despite the fact that he had been retired for 25 years and no longer lived in the same area. I had never heard of one of them, but he told us that he had always been grateful to my father who had given him a lot of help and support when he started at the company as an apprentice 40 years previously. As far as I know, he hadn't kept in touch with my father, but I appreciated his attending and his story.

A number of people couldn't come to my parents' funerals for a variety of practical reasons, which I had absolutely no problem with. I suspect I would have been rather sceptical of anyone saying they wouldn't come because they would find it 'too upsetting'. With all respects to aunts (and I have been to funerals of 3 much loved aunts in the last few years) if people find funerals of their partners' aunts too upsetting, how on earth are they going to manage when their parents, siblings, partners or (heaven forbid) children die?

LEM I am surprised you did that, tbh.

I am also really surprised by the poster suggesting "go to the wake" - that's really grim I think, it's just going for free food.

interesting that another poster talked about not having traditions. I personally don't have any traditions around funerals and I'm really glad I don't. We followed what we thought my father would have wanted and it was all just posturing and having to put on a show on a day I just wanted to hide a hole.

I just really hope mum doesn't ask for the same.

@thighofrelief101 I feel for you. In similar situations have known people have small funerals for very close family only, followed a few months later by a memorial/thanksgiving service.

I would always go to a funeral if I could.

The first funeral I went to was my grandfather's and was awful, as it was only his children and grandchildren. (I would live to know the internal family politics that happened there - we have a large extended family, and I don't think it was right to leave people out, but I was 10 at the time, and I've only wondered this as an adult.)

A big funeral is better, IMO I've been to quite a few in South Wales, too, as I have a lot of family there. My father used to go to quite a lot of funerals (it seemed) - he would go to local farming one's to represent the farm.

I have been to some very uplifting funerals. I sort of enjoyed both of my parents' funerals, in that they were both totally right for each parent, and it half expected to look round and see them there. It helped that for Mum, she had always talked about a particular piece of music she wanted. If you do have clear ideas about how you want your funeral to be, do communicate it. It certainly makes it easier for those organising it.

A good funeral is uplifting and honours the person who has died. I have learnt interesting things about my people from eulogies. I was very touched by some of the comments at each of my parents' funerals, which showed what they had meant to people, and remember the comments still.

The funeral director dealt with putting notices in the papers, local and national - we just agreed on which papers and the wording. I mostly find out about people who I used to know at home from my sister (who is still local) forwarding me the death notices in the local paper (there are times I wish she'd send something else!)

A funeral is an important rite of passage. No one is obliged to go, buy I find them a helpful ritual.

BTW, if you want to leave your body to science, you can't just leave it to your children to decide when you have already died, which someone upthread said - you need to have agreed and organised yourself when you're alive.

thigh oh I've just seen your post.

yes, been there. It's also when someone has a slow decline, everything is so fucking horrendous, having to deal with a funeral on top is just too much.

Rosa if you had it your way how would you have dealt with your father's passing?

I have been to quite a few funerals recently.
I think OP YANBU to not go to funerals of people you knew to grieve. But YABVU to say you will never go to another funeral. I have been to funerals to support close friends or family. I went to a funeral of my mum's friend who I had not seen in years, because my mum needed someone there to support her. Sometimes you go to a funeral with someone you love because they need you to be there.

What a PP said up thread about being more upset witnessing others at a distance is probably true. At the funerals I've been to where I've been very close to the person then It's not been nice, but I've been so wrapped in my own grief I haven't noticed anyone else. And it has felt ok to be there saying goodbye to someone, like a step forward in the grief.

The funeral I attended of a family friend who I didn't know particularly well, was just awful. I was surprised at how upset I was at that one because the songs reminded me of the services and grief at funerals of my close family and I really felt for the people who had lost their loved one. On the other hand I've supported DH at funerals for his family where I haven't been close to the person and it hasn't affected me half as much as the family friends did.

What I'm trying to say is, funerals can be really awful to attend but each one can feel very different in your reaction. Go in expecting to feel wretched, then I guess you'll be pleasantly surprised if you cope ok.

I don't think I would feel like people weren't supporting me if they didn't come to the funerals of my nearest and dearest though

YABVU. I’d have been spitting tacks if there hadn’t been a decent turn out for my mother’s funeral (so would she have been!). No matter how upsetting it may have been for other mourners it couldn’t have been half as upsetting as it was for me, and I didn’t wimp out.

My sibling who died as a child also got decent showing for his funeral. My parents would have been (even more) devastated if they’d pitched up to an empty church because friends and relatives “didn’t like funerals”.

Unless you’ve had a recent, traumatic bereavement yourself, you should attend the funerals of your nearest and dearest. They’re not supposed to be enjoyable or entertaining.

And I think funerals should always be open to anyone who wants to attend them.
I still remember at my gran's funeral a very elderly man attending who I had never met before, but from what he said, I suspect he was a boyfriend from before she married. I thought it was lovely that he attended.

thigh cross posting everywhere

I would have had a direct cremation with only the ultra close people present.

as it was, it was a horrible day, people get dressed smartly and so on - sis and I didn't bother with that - and then mum had people say to her later on "you were in such a state I didn't dare approach you" - what did they fucking expect?

The priest got dad's name wrong as I said....I was in such a weird state I actually didn't correct him, a few people called out to correct him...then he asked me if I was "happy" with the service.

everything about it was shit and pointless and certainly didn't provide comfort to me. However, I will say my mother might have benefitted from it, but I don't know for sure.

AFAIC after someone has died, I don't really want to talk about it any more but of course everyone feels differently about that too. For me, the death was not as bad as the slow decline. If he had taken any longer to die, I think I'd be a raving person living on the moors or something. It was horrendous.

sorry if that's not the answer you wanted but one of the most helpful posts I saw on MN about slow illness, slow death etc was very blunt about how horrendous it all is and I found that helpful, especially in a sea of "celebrate his life" comments.

I actually hate the celebrate their life comments.
I have been to a fair few funerals and I certainly was not there to celebrate their life. I was sad ranging to grief stricken.
Even worse are those that say wear something colourful, its not a sad occasion, but a time to celebrate their life. Don't bloody dictate how I feel. If that is your way of coping fine. But I am not bloody celebrating anything.

Rosa no, that is the answer I wanted and thank you for sharing. We've all decided it will be immediate family only (the one's who've been actively involved in his care). Direct crem, in his pyjamas, a sheet from home and in the back of my sister's big car. Then we (only us) will go on his favourite walk and scatter him there.

This sounds awful but as I don't want support, I don't want to give it either. What I've been doing is waiting a couple of weeks and hand writing a nice letter talking about something nice I remember about the deceased.