AIBU not to go to funerals

[Mallowmarshmallow]

A while ago, m husband's auntie passed away and we attended her funeral. I didn't know her very well but found it very very upsetting. The grief of her lovely family was the saddest.

One of her daughter's said her partner hadn't attended as he finds funerals too upsetting and I was wondering if I could be one of those people....

I assume nobody enjoys funerals but I find them really upsetting. I'm wondering if I could be the sort of person who supports before and after but doesn't actually attend the funeral. I might manage my own parents....or I might not.....

I attended the funeral of a good friend just this afternoon. I was dreading it yet also felt compelled to attend so that I could say goodbye to my late friend and show my support to my late friend's husband and family.

In fact I'm actually writing this from a hotel room nearby as I didn't trust myself to drive back home (3 hours away) knowing that I'd be emotional. The drive down to the service was hard enough! I arrived early (had to allow lots of time in case traffic was bad) and the previous service at the crematorium was only just finishing. It felt like some awful conveyor belt of death. I cried before I even went in to the service. Someone I hadn't seen for years saw how upset I was and stayed with me throughout. I was really touched by the thoughtfulness. I have never attended a funeral alone before and it's not easy. And it brought back far too many memories of my mother's funeral.

I will be honest and admit that I left after the service. I couldn't face the drinks etc afterwards. I needed to be alone with my melancholic thoughts. Half of me is relieved the funeral is over and the other half is upset that it's over as that means we have to try to move on with life know whilst knowing my friend won't be moving forwards with us. I cannot even begin to imagine how her poor husband is feeling.

I go to funerals to support those who have been bereaved.

This was the case even with my own parents. I didn't need to go for me but to share memories and support others.

I have told my kids that they can commemorate my life any way they want but that I don't need a funeral. Do whatever is cheapest, donate my body to med schools or science or whoever wants it.

I am 60 and have only been to 2 funerals...My parents. I am not having one. A direct cremation is all sorted.

But @NomDeQwerty nobody knows that I'm quietly counting the bricks in the walls instead of intently listening to stuff that might make me wail like a banshee. So what difference could it possibly make? How sanctimonious!

I don’t think that is a big problem, @AudacityOfHope - thinking your own thoughts while the service happens hurts no-one, and I am sure you are fully present when you are talking to and supporting the other people who are grieving.

Every culture, society has funeral rites.

The wankery that is the western world, forever breast smiting and throwing its self round dramatically, self indulgently now proclaiming they are too sad/important to bother with time honoured traditions.

This is why society breaks down and people have no care or sense of duty or public decency or morals

Exactly @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

I think yabu if I'm honest. Funerals are supposed to be miseable and upsetting, because death IS miserable and upsetting. What are you going to do? Pretend it doesn't happen? If turning up and being sad for a bit gives any comfort to the family, that's the least we can do

I agree. Funerals aren't just about how you feel, they're to show the people left behind support.

Death is upsetting.

I've been a church organist for most of my life, and the saddest funeral of all is the one where only a few folks turn up. At DF's funeral, most of the small number of attendees were my friends, as DF had managed to fall out with all his friends. I was grateful they were there. At DM's funeral, the church was packed, with over 300 people there and standing room only. I was grateful they were there.

I think a funeral is something that you just have to deal with. Unless you are the chief mourner, it is not about you. You are there to support the grieving family and I think that not going is a form of selfishness. I am deeply affected by other people's grief and have played through tears many times. I have been to thousands of funerals and found it easiest to bear being a mourner when I had a job to do - play the organ and lead the singing. The mourners really appreciate the support from those who turn up. I know this from my own experience and also from what I have witnessed and the number of mourners who have come back into the church/funeral parlour to thank me.

Of course, the choice is yours to go or not. It is not about you, though, and not going makes it all about you.

My fathers funeral meant a lot to me. Massive amounts of his friends and family crowded in. Non religious service. Lots of stories of him told, poetry and great music.

I didn't grieve at my dads funeral. I cried my heart out but I didn't begin grieve. That's been in the 3 years since.

Attending funerals is for others. To be with others, talk about the deceased, cry a bit and laugh a bit (in my experience).

The worst worst funeral I attended was my best friends toddler daughter who died suddenly at 2.5yrs. My friend had lost an older daughter just 3 months before. It was beyond awful and with every cell in my body I didn't want to attend that funeral. However my friend needed me there. So of course I went and broke my heart for her a million times over. Who could not go? You put yourself aside.

YABU.

I understand OP

my dad never made any funeral plans but mum has said she doesn't want a funeral with mourners etc. it's all grim.

dad did say he doesn't like the whole food after thing but we did it because we didn't know if people would have travelled etc.

it's fine if you don't want to go. there were tons of people at my father's funeral who wouldn't think to offer any support apart from just turning up at that. Pfft.

I think that if you don't want to go then thats your decision, but don't ask Mumsnet to forgive you for letting people down.

I've been to one funeral in my life. I prefer to grieve alone.
But Id rather a funeral than a wedding.

When my husband died in his 30s, the friends and family who came to his funeral were so appreciated.

He mattered so much, and all those people were there, acknowledging that. The great value of his life.

My DC were only 5 and 7 at the time and I needed all the support I could get.

I didn’t want to be at his funeral. I didn’t want him to be dead.

I get no comfort from funerals; at a time of grief, having to mix with other people and receive their condolence rituals is a nightmare for me and makes my grief even worse. Privacy is important to me at a time of grief. However, I realize that this is not so for everyone. I think that one should try to attend the funeral if it matters a lot to the close relatives, especially if the person who died was not so close to you as to cause uncontrollable grief. However, many people will understand if you prefer to remember the person as they were in life; and perhaps do something else for them, such as fundraising in their memory for a cause that they supported.

I think this is all tied up in our cultural attitudes to death and to mourning. The Victorians were, if I’m not mistaken, responsible for the current traditions we often follow. Like wearin black. I’ve just come home today from a funeral for a 92 year old. Just about everyone was in black. Yet the celebrant talked during the service about celebrating a long and happy life. Black clothing doesn’t, to me, reflect this.

I didn’t know the deceased chap but I went to show support for my friend whose partner he was. I didn’t know anyone there and I’m not happy at occasions where the room is full of strangers. And I had to take a day off work. But today wasn’t about me. It was about my friend and her grief and loss and sadness.

I think many funerals are like this. We don’t necessarily like the ceremony and formalities. We don’t like to cry in public, the thing makes us uncomfortable and sad and all sorts of other emotions. But it’s not about us, it’s about putting others first and doing something that’s meaningful for them.

Going to funerals isn’t compulsory, as a previous poster seemed to suggest. But sometimes, it’s just the right thing to do.

Disagree. Have been to some lovely funerals, old friends coming together to support each other and remember someone dear

Attending funerals is a mark of respect-you put your big girl pants in and get on with it.

You describe a crem with a celebrant that doesn't know the decreased. Maybe you've just had a bad experience-most are heart felt and filled with people who loved the deceased

When my husband was told he was terminal and had a prognosis of three months he began to plan his funeral. We spent a tear filled afternoon choosing the music. He mapped out the route he wanted the hurst to take, choose the clothes he wanted to wear, a few bits he wanted me to place in his coffin with him, who was to speak, where the wake was to be held and the food he wanted served. The only thing he didn’t decide on was the readings. He just said to choose something non religious and I would know the right one when the time came.

It was not only his final goodbye but a celebration of his life. I was really touched that so many people some travelling quite a distance to attend. Even a large number of my sons friends attended. Lads in their late teens who had only known my husband as their friends dad but had given support to my boys when they needed it most.
These things mean something. Ritual is important maybe not to some so if you choose not to have a funeral then that is your choice but when a funeral is held then the right thing to do is put aside your own feelings on funerals and go and show support and respect.

YANBU. I feel exactly the same as you.

My family have all decided we won't be doing funerals at all. Just direct cremation, no service and quietly and privately scattering the ashes. We feel it's not a time to be doing any form of hosting and is an intensely personal time.

I'm with the PPs who've said a funeral is not about you, but showing solidarity for the immediate mourners. Time to put your own feelings aside.

I agree with the posters who say that you attend funerals to support the bereaved. I get that they are upsetting, but you should be able to put you feelings on the matter aside.

My mother died when I was 17. Many, many people came to her funeral (she had a shop, and I think most of her regular customers attended as well as old friends, colleagues of my father etc - practically everyone who knew our family). They couldn't all fit into the chapel, so there were people standing outside during the funeral mass. It meant a lot to my father and my grandmothers to see how popular my mother was and that everyone turned up to show their support.

Some of my classmates also attended. One of them was my best friend, the other two people I was friendly with. These two had never even met my mother, and I'm sure they could have done without going to a funeral. But they came because they wanted to support me, and I cannot adequately express how much that meant to me at that moment (and still does almost 30 years later).

Unless it’s your immediate family eg parents/children/spouse ( which you’d obviously be attending anyway ) I think it’s pretty self absorbed to say funerals are too upsetting to attend. If everyone thought that way nobody would have anyone there!

You’re just supporting the immediate family and paying respects, don’t make this about you.

REAL FUN. brilliant. I’ll never look at a funeral the same way again .