Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM sulking that she can't look after baby

155 replies

jacksprattt · 17/05/2019 12:43

My baby is almost 9 months and since she was born my DM has been wanting take her for a few hours. She is a teacher so this comes up every half term. When she initially asked baby was only a couple of months old and EBF and found expressing difficult so I just told her I felt DC was too young yet.

This came up again at Easter and I now feel that DC is old enough to be without me and I wouldn't mind a few hours break however DC has very bad separation anxiety and howls even when I am just going to the toilet. I explained this to DM (and she was witnessing the tears at the tine) but she left in a sulk and has not been to see DC since.
I know that this will come up at the next half term. I wish she would realise that by not visiting it is making it worse as DC forgets her so is not developing a relationship which would make it feasible to babysit.

My DP thinks maybe I should just give in for an hour and DC will be fine but I dont feel it's fair to DC (also feel she will continue to press for more after the first time so I want it to happen naturally).

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
Original poster
jacksprattt · 17/05/2019 12:44

Just to add I have offered for her to have her at my house while I clean upstairs but she doesn't want this she wants to have her at her house alone. Dont understand this at all.

OP posts:
1WayOrAnother · 17/05/2019 12:46

Give in. DM & DC need to get to know one another without you there. It's an important part of childhood. Get a break, they will both cope.

ReganSomerset · 17/05/2019 12:47

My mother was like this for ages. In the end, I spent the day at hers with DD- about 6 hours - and sat in the living room chilling while DM entertained her.

Afterwards, DM admitted that she'd forgotten how much hard work babies are and funnily enough it hasn't come up since.

Thehop · 17/05/2019 12:47

You don’t understand it because it’s bloody ridiculous.

Why do they do this?

Ask her what she intends to do that she can’t have witnessed by you and remind her that sulking and ignoring your baby won’t make the settling in to being away from you any quicker.

If that fails, just bloody ignore. Let her sulk, you’re not suffering for it.

PerkingFine · 17/05/2019 12:47

I'd let DM take her - might help DD get over separation anxiety.

UnicornBrexit · 17/05/2019 12:49

Personally I dont see the harm in letting your DM have baby for a bit. It seems its you that doesnt want to let go. Your DP is right.

There are always 'what ifs' . What if you have to go away where you cant take a small child eg hospital or an important funeral, and this child has absolutely no experience of other care providers?

I wouldn't mind a few hours break however DC has very bad separation anxiety you are making an absolute rod for your own back.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 17/05/2019 12:49

Good Lord, give yourself a break woman! Have you seen the countless sad threads on here where the grandparents show no interest in their dgc?

It's a few hours. Honestly, it will be fine and you might alienate your mother if you say no again.

ReganSomerset · 17/05/2019 12:51

DM & DC need to get to know one another without you there. It's an important part of childhood

Disagree entirely. I hated being left with my grandparents and much preferred to see them with the rest of my family. Kids do not need alone time with grandparents. Also, nine months is peak separation anxiety time. I fail to see how leaving your baby wailing with anyone for an hour is going to facilitate a positive relationship between them.

Chocolatecake12 · 17/05/2019 12:51

Consider it from her point of view - maybe she remembers what it’s like with a baby and wants to give you a break. This isn’t going to happen if she’s looking after your baby at your house.
Why don’t you arrange a visit to her house together at the beginning of half term and then plan an afternoon where she can have baby alone and you can have a break.
I think it’s coming from good intentions and she’s probably frustrated her offers of help are getting knocked back.

ReganSomerset · 17/05/2019 12:51

You are making an absolute rod for your own back

Rubbish.

MrTumble4president · 17/05/2019 12:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

sanityisamyth · 17/05/2019 12:52

Neither of my parents have ever once offered to look after my DS and he's 5. TBF my dad lives 300 miles away. At least your mother seems interested.

RaininSummer · 17/05/2019 12:52

I am a nan of two and I think these MILs and mothers who want to commandeer young babies and toddlers are very weird and presumptuous. I have only had my four year old gd to stay one and that was only because her mum and dad were busy having the new baby that day. It was bloody exhausting! Actually babysitting for both tonight for first time since baby was born ten months ago but I do it to be helpful not because I am desperate to.

juneau · 17/05/2019 12:52

It's the blowing hot and cold and sulking that is ridiculous. If your DM wants to have a relationship with her GC then why does she stay away from her? Your DM sounds manipulative and petty tbh.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/05/2019 12:53

She’s being pathetic by stamping her foot and not enjoying the time with your baby that you’re offering her because she didn’t get her way. Not going to inspire your confidence is it?

Children need parents who are loved and supported by those around them. They don’t need time with people who undermine and disrespect their parents. Your 9 month old doesn’t need time alone with your mother. Why on earth would she?

If you pander to her childish behaviour you show her when she has a strop you’ll give in and this will be the dynamic from here on in. Not healthy.

Alsohuman · 17/05/2019 12:54

How much harm could letting her take the baby for an hour or two cause? Let her take her and give yourself some down time.

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 17/05/2019 12:54

She might also think that you could do with a few hours to yourself but doesn't want to say incase you take it the wrong way.

I get where you're coming from but a couple of hours might be nice for you. Your DC would probably settle fairly quickly after you'd gone.

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 17/05/2019 12:54

I find separation anxiety is much worse when the baby knows you are around but not paying her attention. If your DM babysits at her house then she really will be fine for a couple of hours. I wouldn’t push her away as you may find you could do with the help sooner or later and it will be a weight off your shoulders to know that your DC is happy and cared for at your mums. (I was you with DC1, now on DC3 and if anyone offers to babysit I’ll drop and run before they’ve even hung up the phone Grin)

Drum2018 · 17/05/2019 12:55

Are you a sahm or planning on going back to work? If the latter then you need to get your baby used to being without you. Even if you are a sahm it's a good idea to get away for an hour or so and let baby get used to other people. Unless you think your DM is incapable of minding dd I really don't see why you wouldn't jump at the chance of an hour or two to yourself. But if baby cries for the duration of her time with your DM you may find DM won't be so quick to want her again - your issue would then be solved.

Hadjab · 17/05/2019 12:55

I’m assuming this is your first child? Babies cry when separated from their mums - some will cry for hours, some will cry for minutes, it’s natural. At some point, you are going to have to leave your DC, even as a SAHM. IME, I’ve found that leaving them with others earlier helps, and this is your mum, not some random.

Summerorjustmaybe · 17/05/2019 12:58

Your dm has no entitlement to play 'House' with your dc.
Your dc does not need to be left crying to pacify her either.
She sounds very selfish and immature. No wonder you don't want her having your dc!!

ReganSomerset · 17/05/2019 12:58

Tips for separation anxiety
Dr Angharad Rudkin, a clinical psychologist, has these tips to help you.

Practise short separations from your baby to begin with
You could start by leaving them in someone else's care for a few minutes while you nip to the local shop. Leave your baby with someone they know well so they still feel comfortable and safe in your absence. Gradually work towards longer separations, and then leaving them in less familiar settings.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/separation-anxiety/#how-to-handle-separation-anxiety

She needs to actually spend time with your baby first imo. Sounds like she's a virtual stranger atm.

simplythepest · 17/05/2019 12:58

You’ll never get people agreeing on this subject.

Personally I can’t understand the weird view on Mumsnet that children shouldn’t be left with grandparentsConfused

I have lots of friends with babies and not one of them has had an issue with their DM or MIL looking after the baby for a few hours.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/05/2019 12:58

I think it’s coming from good intentions and she’s probably frustrated her offers of help are getting knocked back.

Bollocks. She’s ignoring OP’s perfectly valid view and behaving like a brat. She had her baby. That was when she got to make decisions about her child’s care. This baby is OP’s and her husband’s and ALL decisions about their baby are theirs. Grandparents have no rights and that’s how it should be. If OP’s mum had been a bit more respectful and grown up and LISTENED she’d have helped her cause. But she hasn’t. So she doesn’t get to demand anything.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2019 13:00

You really are being very ridiculous about the separation anxiety. Within a minute of you walking out the door, she will be perfectly fine. She isn't going to fall to pieces, fgs. So long as your mum is responsible I fail to see why you wouldn't want her to babysit for a couple of hours. I don't think this has anything to do with the baby's anxiety, it's YOUR separation anxiety that's the problem.