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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DM sulking that she can't look after baby

155 replies

jacksprattt · 17/05/2019 12:43

My baby is almost 9 months and since she was born my DM has been wanting take her for a few hours. She is a teacher so this comes up every half term. When she initially asked baby was only a couple of months old and EBF and found expressing difficult so I just told her I felt DC was too young yet.

This came up again at Easter and I now feel that DC is old enough to be without me and I wouldn't mind a few hours break however DC has very bad separation anxiety and howls even when I am just going to the toilet. I explained this to DM (and she was witnessing the tears at the tine) but she left in a sulk and has not been to see DC since.
I know that this will come up at the next half term. I wish she would realise that by not visiting it is making it worse as DC forgets her so is not developing a relationship which would make it feasible to babysit.

My DP thinks maybe I should just give in for an hour and DC will be fine but I dont feel it's fair to DC (also feel she will continue to press for more after the first time so I want it to happen naturally).

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:

lyralalala · 17/05/2019 16:35

For centuries communities & villages have raised children but apparently some millenial mothers know better. And then so many moan about exhaustion, mental health difficulties etc.

Communities and villages tend to be around more often than once since Christmas...

itraining · 17/05/2019 16:40

UnicornBrexit there is no vilification of grandparents in this thread. Also, there is nothing to say OP doesn't like her mum. You're exaggerating.

jackspratt you came here for support and there are some posters like alsohuman who are offering judgements - What is relatively new is women not allowing their babies out of their sight. When mine were babies everyone left their baby with granny for a few hours. - how do you know OP so well to know she is the type who wouldn't kid out her sight.

OP, your mum should offer you support as you are a mum of 9 months of baby. Instead, she is being entitled that you leave your kid with her at her place on her terms. Why is she sulking? What kind of grandparent would do that? Not a loving, affectionate one. What is her issue of seeing her grand child at her daughter's place? You can get rest at your place and she can bond/ care/ play with baby.

Don't listen to people who say how they left their kids with others in their time or whose friends have supportive mothers and MILs. Your dm doesn't sound like supportive or caring for your & doc's needs.

My gm was a bit like that, she always got away with her ways and did care for what others wanted. It was damaging in many ways.

Regarding separation anxiety, please see a gp or child psychologist or read expert websites. Don't listen to experts here, who without knowing your child knows leaving him/her in anxious phase would be good.

GummyGoddess · 17/05/2019 16:42

Communities and villages raised children, not infants. Infants needed to be near their mother to feed or they would have died.

Jellybeansincognito · 17/05/2019 16:43

**‘My mother had my son overnite from 8 weeks old, he's now ten months and she has him either a Sunday afternoon or overnight on a Saturday for me‘

Well done you?
My children are 4 and 2 and neither have spent a night anywhere else, I have no attachment issues- I just find it unnecessary.

ILoveYou3000 · 17/05/2019 16:43

Why, for some people, does support mean that baby has to be away from mum?

Also why is it that some people seem to assume if bonding doesn't occur with the grandparents in the first few months that's it, it'll never happen?

Natural bonding occurs over time. And surely any decent grandparent would be happy to see both the baby and it's parent(s) together, as a family, building that bond.

Alsohuman · 17/05/2019 16:43

It wasn’t a judgement. It was a statement. I don’t know OP from Adam. It was a generalisation.

blackcat86 · 17/05/2019 16:47

Trust your instincts OP. I was pressured into leaving my baby from very young because I was otherwise told I was selfish in the grips of PND I believed them. Dd had terrible separation anxiety and it turns out neither set of gps know jackshit about babies. FIL tried to purchase a second har carseat from someone he didnt know on fb for £15. It was falling apart. DM was obsessed with trying to give her food including gravy. MIL was obsessed with trying to put rice or rusks in DDs formula from 2 months old. They couldn't even bath her without me stepping in. As for the sulking, my DM actually returned to work having retired because DD screamed whenever she came near her at the height of her separation anxiety. Of course these are relationships that should be worked on but we went back to real basics. Watch one, do one supervised, do one alone until you're confident she's competent with baby. Go out for 10 mins, then 1 hr, then 2hrs etc. Don't just let DM take the baby to appease her. If anything makes a rod for own back it will be that!

redspider1 · 17/05/2019 16:50

I walked in on my DGM wrapping a scarf around my 1 month old DD'd head because she felt the room was cold!!!! I had a thermometer in the cot and we had central heating! Just sayin!

Nonnymum · 17/05/2019 16:54

To be honest I would wait until she's older. She will grow out of the seperation anxiety but tell your mother it can't be hurried. My GS was like this and believe me

Nonnymum · 17/05/2019 16:57

Sorry posted too soon. I can't understand why any grandparent would want to look after a child screaming in distress for any length of time. However by the tim she was toddling he would run to me. So tell your mum to get to know her at your house and wait a whole until she is older before she has her at her house. She is being selfish.

zippey · 17/05/2019 16:58

I don’t think it’s just the baby with separation anxiety, sounds like the OP has it too. And I’m sure if you you wouldn’t be able to relax if you let your DM have her for a few hours.

Your DM is being a bit ridiculous by flouncing but I guess her feelings are hurt. I don’t see why she needs to be alone. Surely it’s nice to do things as a group? And this is how the child builds trust. By knowing that her mum trusts this other person she hardly knows.

Separation anxiety for you and the baby is completely normal and I would let it ride out.

Summerorjustmaybe · 17/05/2019 18:28

None of my dc were out my sight til after a year old. No need imo. Dc aren't clingy or have any issues.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 17/05/2019 18:47

Her sulking is unnecessary, but letting her babysit for s couple of hours will work in one of two ways . Either it all goes well , you get a break, it helps with DCs separation anxiety and your DM is happy or DC is difficult and your mum won't keep nagging to babysit.

Alsohuman · 17/05/2019 19:11

Well you were lucky @Summer, a lot of women have to leave their 6 month olds to go back to work.

Summerorjustmaybe · 17/05/2019 19:47

I agree, but being bullied into handing over a baby to a grown woman having a tantrum should not even be recognised as being essential.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/05/2019 08:55

My own DM always taught my life is too short to waste on trying to please needy adults.

redspider1 · 18/05/2019 09:13

Snuggy your DM gave you a sound piece of advice there!

goose1964 · 18/05/2019 09:17

I've had DGS regularly since he was a baby. He's now going through a a phase of separation anxiety and he's perfectly happy to stay with me, although he doesn't like to be separated from me.

Your baby will soon get attached to your mum, although I do think the first few times should be at your house.

RoyalChocolat · 18/05/2019 09:24

I haven't read the whole thread.

My Mum did not have DC1 overnight until he was about 6.
There is no way I would have left one of my DCs overnight at 9 months old - separation anxiety is normal at that age and is not something to be "solved".

Don't listen to your DM's tantrums.

redspider1 · 18/05/2019 09:25

My eldest was very attached to me and even though I was very close to my DM, DD would cry if DM even held her next to me. This only lasted a month or two and they went on to have a fantastic close relationship through toddlerhood and onwards.
During the clingy phase my DM was great, even though I could see it hurt her a little that DD was upset to be held by her. DM always put DD first and said why upset her. Phases don't last and the child's needs come before the adult in this case.
Of course if you have t leave your child it is different but if not, why force it?

PerfectPeony2 · 18/05/2019 09:56

Your baby is 9 months old.

Absolutely hate the saying rod for your own back. There is no such thing, you CAN’T SPOIL a baby. If you don’t want to leave her yet then don’t. I rarely leave DD and wouldn’t want to as she prefers to be with me.

Perfectly normal. Just spend time together instead with her instead and tell your DM no.

Youseethethingis · 18/05/2019 12:06

Interesting that the standard “little and often visits, building up to taking baby out alone for an hour or two, eventually for the day then possibly overnights” advice that applies to babies own fathers in the case of separated parents seems to go flying out the window in the case of a stroppy grandmother

ANewDawn10 · 18/05/2019 12:12

So your mothers reaction is to act like a spoilt brat and ignore you when she didnt get her way?
I would not want someone like that looking after my child.

ohfuckoffalready · 18/05/2019 12:22

You could argue that the reason the world is in the state it's in is that in "the good old days", parenting wasn't always very good.

If more people were loved and content and happy, the world would be a much happier place.

Anything that lets a tiny baby know they're loved and cared for is good.

whatawolly · 18/05/2019 12:25

Are people on this thread missing the point on purpose so they can have a bitch fest at the OP or what?

OP wants time away from her baby
The baby has separation anxiety which is a PERFECTLY NORMAL stage of development
GP has no bond or relationship with the baby due to her selfish and sulking ways
OP is not comfortable leaving baby with a stranger at prime separation anxiety time
OP has other family and friends who the baby is familiar with in case of a crisis - which proves the baby is not purposely being kept away from everyone
It is a stupid idea to let selfish people in your child's life. Just because they are related it doesn't mean you have to have people like that around your children.
OP is doing the right thing to stay with her baby until baby is more comfortable around others
It is completely and solely GP's fault she will not be left with baby - because she did not put in the effort to bond with the baby
If that makes OP a millennial mother then I think we should all strive to be millennial mothers - maybe our children won't have so much anxiety in the future?

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