DM sulking that she can't look after baby

[jacksprattt]

My baby is almost 9 months and since she was born my DM has been wanting take her for a few hours. She is a teacher so this comes up every half term. When she initially asked baby was only a couple of months old and EBF and found expressing difficult so I just told her I felt DC was too young yet.

This came up again at Easter and I now feel that DC is old enough to be without me and I wouldn't mind a few hours break however DC has very bad separation anxiety and howls even when I am just going to the toilet. I explained this to DM (and she was witnessing the tears at the tine) but she left in a sulk and has not been to see DC since.
I know that this will come up at the next half term. I wish she would realise that by not visiting it is making it worse as DC forgets her so is not developing a relationship which would make it feasible to babysit.

My DP thinks maybe I should just give in for an hour and DC will be fine but I dont feel it's fair to DC (also feel she will continue to press for more after the first time so I want it to happen naturally).

AIBU to say no?

Also a Grandma and I can't understand this belief that they are 'entitled' to have the baby on their own ! What difference does it make? Why does it assume so much importance in so many G'ma's lives? To the degree they will fall out with their own daughter if they don't get their own way.

Makes no sense to me at all. I adore my Grandson but one of the best parts is that I can hand him back!! He is a very full on 6 year old and is, frankly, exhausting and has been since he was born. He is never still, never stops talking but he is also incredibly kind, intelligent and funny. I can manage him for a few hours but certainly not for a prolonged period of time. ('I know you're very old and you get tired Nan, but will you play football with me?')

Why don't they enjoy the time they get instead of making such a mountain out of a molehill and alienating the parents.

I find it amazing that your DC has anxiety attacks , even when you go to he toilet and you think the best thing is to still keep him away. What are you planning to do when he goes to school or you want a night out with your DH? Do you even leave DC with DH for any extended amount of time?
I can totally understand why your DM is angry, you are questioning her parenting skills. You want her to be with the kid but only when you are close by? That is a real slap in the face.
In a few years when you are exhausted and have no time, can I assume it will be your DM's fault for not helping?

I find it amazing that your DC has anxiety attacks , even when you go to he toilet and you think the best thing is to still keep him away. What are you planning to do when he goes to school or you want a night out with your DH? Do you even leave DC with DH for any extended amount of time?

He's 9 months old. Prime separation anxiety time. It's highly unlikely he'll be exactly the same in several years time. The OP doesn't exactly have to start planning for school quite yet.

@Gigglinghysterically

It isn't actually necessary for the baby to get to know their GP at all

Whaaaaaaaat? This is the most Mumsnet answer I’ve ever read! 😂😂😂😂😂

In normal functional families it is necessary for the baby to get to know their grandparents

If she wanted to look after her why would she sulk ! It's hardly going to make you think ohhhh alright then.

I am one that leaves dd with my mum but it's because I asked, not because she did.

Many of the replies to this thread would be so different if the OP had said

My baby is 9 months old. My MIL is demanding to take her out alone even though she doesn't spend any time with him at all. After I said no at Christmas (he's EBF & I struggled to express) she didn't see him at all until Easter and is now sulking again. AIBU to say she spends time with him in our house before taking him solo.

some millenial mothers know better.

Of course, they invented motherhood! I'd love to be around when their children have children, assuming that they allow them to leave home. These pages are so funny.

Forcing a baby to be left with a stranger in the hopes they will bond is terrible advice. Offer her to visit more and build up a better relationship with your child and once they're out of the separation anxiety stage (way after 1yo) then you can think about having a few hours away from your child (IF that's what you would like).

I don't understand the grandparents need to swoop in and take a baby away from it's main caregiver so they can 'bond' - a grandparent should be an extra person to love them alongside the parents - not a separate person/house/routine! Surely they haven't forgot that a mother's instinct is to be with her child and the babies instinct is to be with its mother, I don't get anyone who is happy to go against that.

@Cheeseandwin5 Eh? Separation anxiety is a perfectly normal stage of development.

My DD was 12 months before she had any time away from me, by 2.5 she had her first overnight with grandma. Now aged 16 and guess who she's closest to after me? That's right grandma, who had to wait a whole year for an hour alone. Their bond is incredible.

Strange isn't it? Must have been the regular effort made while I was there with my baby. My mum never pushed me to have my baby alone, she was more than happy to visit or invite us over at the weekend. She always handed baby back when she needed me. She loved baby cuddles, of course, but she never hogged the baby or tried to force things. Everything developed naturally, at a pace we were all happy with.

My mum never made demands, and there was no sulking if she didn't get her own way. Wonder if that's why all 8 grandchildren and 2 great children adore her and make an effort to see her and spend time with her as teenagers and adults.

My mother had my son overnite from 8 weeks old, he's now ten months and she has him either a Sunday afternoon or overnight on a Saturday for me. I would burn out if she didn't. What madness is it to keep baby away. Don't get me wrong I miss him when he's gone but it's not healthy to not have a break if you can.

I think you should let her take your dc for a few hours. Most babies have separation anxiety, it’s a normal part of development and having time apart will help, your dc needs to learn that you can’t be around all the time, one day they will go to nursery and school and you don’t want to be one of those parent in the playground having your child physically removed from you?

My mother had my son overnite from 8 weeks old, he's now ten months and she has him either a Sunday afternoon or overnight on a Saturday for me. I would burn out if she didn't

Good for you but totally irrelevant to the OP

If you’d mum had decided not to bother seeing your baby for weeks at a time you might not have felt the way you did.

And OPs baby was EBF. Everyone’s different. Who knew?!

You can say millennial mothers know better in a patronising way. Another view is that millennial mothers are trying not to replicate the mistakes their parents made by leaving their child with others when the child wasn't ready because they remember how horrible it was.

My mother had my son overnite from 8 weeks old, he's now ten months and she has him either a Sunday afternoon or overnight on a Saturday for me.

My MIL has mine regularly. Has done since they were young. That doesn't mean the OP should allow her mother to do so. My MIL spent time with the kids before having them overnight. Knows their routine, was recognisable to them.

The OP's mother has been in a strop since Christmas (so since her baby was 4ish months old) and has seen her GC once. She's basically a stranger to the baby.

Good relationships between children and grandparents are wonderful and should be cherished, but they require effort. Not just swanning in every couple of months to demand the baby.

@Alsohuman

You’re arguing against yourself now, @Reallybadidea. If a woman is prepared to leave her baby with strangers to return to work, what’s different about her going to granny for a couple of hours?

Arguing against myself how? I didn't actually say whether I thought that the Op should, or should not, leave her baby with Granny. I was just commenting on how the sense of entitlement that many grandparents seem to feel towards their grandchildren seems to be a new thing. And that I don't believe that women in general are more reluctant to leave their babies.

If she was really interested in spending time with the baby she'd be willing to work with the babies mother rather than flouncing off for months at a time when not getting her way

Only you know your mother OP but is there any chance what you see as sulking is actually her feeling genuinely hurt/rebuffed and that you are not interested in her help? Have you been asking her to come round? As one PP said the suggestion that she can look after her while you are there may come across as if you don't trust her. (I actually looked after my best friend's week old for half an hour when she went to the shops, I obviously didn't have a relationship with the baby by then and everyone was fine, I personally can't imagine not leaving a baby with a grandparent sometimes in the first months).

I do think it's sad the PPs who have said kids don't need relationships with their grandparents, I mean I guess if you don't think family is important, but I'd be devastated if my child was not close to my grandparents, or if I had not been close to mine.

My child close to my parents I mean

You are the mum. You decide. Just say no. Some people want a break, some don't. A child psychiatrist told me the normal pattern for a young child is to see ppl with the parent, not have their own social life. If you have a family, or friends who are all in each other's lives, shared childcare is fine. It can't be imposed. Plenty of time for her later.

Also, mothers are supposed to put their child's best interests ahead of other adults.

There is so much information on child development now that is easy to get. Just because it can be found and followed easily is why parenting is different. Because following researched methods to get the best outcome for their child is not the same way their own parents brought them up.

I would happily leave my dc with my Nana, but not my own mother or mother in law. Their parenting methods are questionable to me.

My babies were always a bit clingy. Build up to a longer stay without you . Pop out to the local shop when you visit or she visits then extend to longer periods away until you feel confident.
I don't understand the wanting the baby on her own at her house thing either!

Of course, they invented motherhood! I'd love to be around when their children have children, assuming that they allow them to leave home. These pages are so funny.

Or perhaps they're just using their instincts in specific situations. Neither set of GP have asked for DS alone in my situation. PIL have looked after him for short amounts of time as the situation arose and I would be happy for them to have him more often in the future

Oops, pressed too soon. My DP, on the other hand, will not be having DS alone. I just don't trust them. Yep, they did raise children themselves...so I know how 'interesting' some of their methods are. DS is 18 months and hasn't been away from me for any length of time but he's developing fine.

For centuries communities & villages have raised children but apparently some millenial mothers know better. And then so many moan about exhaustion, mental health difficulties etc.

This is fucking offensive. Would have been great if I could have raised my DS in a community. Unfortunately my DP live a long way away and aren't interested in being 'helpful' at all...PIL are elderly and not in great health and so can only cope with DS for short bursts. So yeah, I think I'm entitled to moan about my PND...I'm not choosing to live in some 'millenial' way...just how most people have to live these days.

I'm getting seriously fucked off with how nasty MN is at the minute.

UnicornBrexit there is no vilification of grandparents in this thread. Also, there is nothing to say OP doesn't like her mum. You're exaggerating.

jackspratt you came here for support and there are some posters like alsohuman who are offering judgements - What is relatively new is women not allowing their babies out of their sight. When mine were babies everyone left their baby with granny for a few hours. - how do you know OP so well to know she is the type who wouldn't kid out her sight.

OP, your mum should offer you support as you are a mum of 9 months of baby. Instead, she is being entitled that you leave your kid with her at her place on her terms. Why is she sulking? What kind of grandparent would do that? Not a loving, affectionate one. What is her issue of seeing her grand child at her daughter's place? You can get rest at your place and she can bond/ care/ play with baby.

Don't listen to people who say how they left their kids with others in their time or whose friends have supportive mothers and MILs. Your dm doesn't sound like supportive or caring for your & doc's needs.

My gm was a bit like that, she always got away with her ways and did care for what others wanted. It was damaging in many ways.

Regarding separation anxiety, please see a gp or child psychologist or read expert websites. Don't listen to experts here, who are telling you to leave your child. When a child is anxious, s/he needs assurance not abandoning, with your love and care, dc will learn to trust people.

Surely for most of human history babies were breastfed and wouldn't have been able to be left for long periods or overnight with grandma. Surely at this age a good village or community would support the mother.