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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM sulking that she can't look after baby

155 replies

jacksprattt · 17/05/2019 12:43

My baby is almost 9 months and since she was born my DM has been wanting take her for a few hours. She is a teacher so this comes up every half term. When she initially asked baby was only a couple of months old and EBF and found expressing difficult so I just told her I felt DC was too young yet.

This came up again at Easter and I now feel that DC is old enough to be without me and I wouldn't mind a few hours break however DC has very bad separation anxiety and howls even when I am just going to the toilet. I explained this to DM (and she was witnessing the tears at the tine) but she left in a sulk and has not been to see DC since.
I know that this will come up at the next half term. I wish she would realise that by not visiting it is making it worse as DC forgets her so is not developing a relationship which would make it feasible to babysit.

My DP thinks maybe I should just give in for an hour and DC will be fine but I dont feel it's fair to DC (also feel she will continue to press for more after the first time so I want it to happen naturally).

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
Reallybadidea · 17/05/2019 13:58

What is relatively new is women not allowing their babies out of their sight

I'm not convinced that is the case. With so many women going back to work needing childcare, many don't have a choice but to leave their baby with someone else.

lyralalala · 17/05/2019 13:59

Tbh if your Mum was in regular contact with your DC I'd say let her have them for an hour.

Not a chance would someone who breezed in and out of their life in a huff because she didn't get her own way be taking one of mine.

And I'm a big advocate of GP's having time with kids themselves to build that special relationship without parents (my MIL has taken 3 of mine away for the weekend just today - just because!)

BelulahBlanca · 17/05/2019 14:00

Do not understand this at all. Why is it so ridiculous that your mother (who raised you) can take care of a a baby and give you a break?
My mum and dad taken my DD today to some friends. I have:
Sorted our swim stuff (we had Water Babies this morning)
Had a walk
Been able to sit down and enjoy a cup of tea and a cake
Had a nap

Soon DD will be back and normal service will resume. I feel refreshed and she would’ve enjoyed time with her grandparents.

lyralalala · 17/05/2019 14:02

@BelulahBlanca Has your Mum seen your DC more than twice since Christmas?

If so it's a totally different kettle of fish to the OP's situation.

The OP has suggested her Mum spend time with her baby in the house to get to know the child, but once again her mother has huffed.

Confusedbeetle · 17/05/2019 14:02

Hilarious. I have never once asked to have my grandchildren but have willingly had them when needed/asked for help. I enjoy them but they are exhausting. a two-night stay was recently reduced to one, it was a relief. I think some new grandparents have some overly rosy ideas about having grandchildren

MeredithGrey1 · 17/05/2019 14:05

Really you find it so terrible that a grandparent wants to spend time with their grandchild??

But she obviously doesn't just want to spend time with her grandchild, because she never visits. Even if you thought your daughter was being totally ridiculous by not letting you babysit alone, surely you would still want to visit and build a relationship with your grandchild?

reetgood · 17/05/2019 14:08

In your situation I’d say yanbu. My mum started having my son solo at around this time, but that was on the back of weekly visits with me and him. I don’t understand people who want to take a baby alone, but don’t choose to build the relationship first!

ALittleBitofVitriol · 17/05/2019 14:09

It's about trust. You don't trust her to listen to you and respect your opinion as a parent. You don't trust her to be emotionally mature. You don't trust her to put your child's feelings above her own.

Fair enough imo.

INeedNewShoes · 17/05/2019 14:09

I do understand the appeal of having 1-2-1 time with someone else's child. I've really enjoyed babysitting my brother's children and friends' children when the need has arisen.

What is strange is the DM requesting this rather than waiting for the situation to arise naturally.

I do think that it immediately puts mums on the defensive though when someone states that they'd like to take their baby out, rather than it being an offer of help or whatever.

Someone told me recently that they are going to take my DD out for the day soon. The fact I was told this made my immediate inward reaction one of 'nope that won't be happening'. It's also a bit offensive really - I want to spend time with your child but not so keen on you so you can jog on elsewhere!

CurbsideProphet · 17/05/2019 14:10

What a shame that she lives 10 minutes away and could regularly spend time with both of you, but instead chooses to see neither of you as punishment for not having her own way. Other posters seem to think that is the normal behaviour of a loving parent / grandparent Confused

DarlingNikita · 17/05/2019 14:15

Cheeserton

'Really you find it so terrible that a grandparent wants to spend time with their grandchild??'

For me it's the insistence on seeing/having the child ALONE that I can't understand.

diddl · 17/05/2019 14:16

So her GD is only 9months old & she has wasted 2 of those sulking because she can't have her GD under her own terms?

Is she sensible/mature enough to be trusted??

SallyWD · 17/05/2019 14:19

I would let her do it an hour at a time and build it up. Both mine were very clingy as babies and young toddlers but now LOVE being with their grandparents without us. Over Easter they stayed with grandparents for 8 days and we actually had a holiday as a couple! Bliss. But you need to build up slowly. Nevermind your mum, I think it would do you the world of good to have some me time.

Happyspud · 17/05/2019 14:19

I happily let both my DM and DMIL have any of my kids from a young age to give me a break, let them explore without me, build their relationship, let granny have a little taster of lovely babies again. Win win.

I just don’t understand these weird relationships and dynamics in other families but that’s fine because it’s none of my concern. On the face of it OP YABU. But I don’t know everything about your family so am judging you on my own familys dynamics.

Tanith · 17/05/2019 14:21

If separation anxiety was a myth, nurseries and childminders would not spend so much of their time on easing young children into their care.

Your DM needs to take it gradually and build up a relationship with your DC. We do several settling in sessions and, even then, a baby in the middle of a clingy phase may cry for a little while.

It's pointless turning up for a few hours every half term and expecting a relationship.

User8888888 · 17/05/2019 14:23

The insistence on alone time is odd. She could build a lovely relationship being so close. We built up alone time gradually and my toddler loves both sets of grandparents. There is a reason nurseries do a settling in period. Little ones need to get used to unfamiliar people and places. Your mum throwing a strop and disengaging is not going to make the relationship grow.

LadyRannaldini · 17/05/2019 14:24

Once your child is in school and you need school holiday child care I do hope she remembers your precious attitude now! Enjoy trying to juggle.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 17/05/2019 14:25

Seperation anxiety will be far worse if you dont start leaving her.

This is how families all over the world raise children... in family communities.

Your child to in order to develop secure attachments needs time to be left with significant other care givers.

Alsohuman · 17/05/2019 14:27

You’re arguing against yourself now, @Reallybadidea. If a woman is prepared to leave her baby with strangers to return to work, what’s different about her going to granny for a couple of hours? Although how, in this instance, granny can stay away because she’s sulking is mystifying.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/05/2019 14:29

Once your child is in school and you need school holiday child care I do hope she remembers your precious attitude now!

Is the OP being more precious than her mother who responds to nor immediately getting what she demands by stropping off and not bothering to see her grand daughter for weeks at a time! I suspect when OP needs help or support in the future she’ll be able to find someone more mature to lean on...

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 17/05/2019 14:29

@simplythepest i dont get it either 🙄

It seems like a modern phenomena but not a healthy one at all.

For centuries communities & villages have raised children but apparently some millenial mothers know better.

And then so many moan about exhaustion, mental health difficulties etc.

queeflett · 17/05/2019 14:34

Time alone with GP needs to be built up and trust earned. MIL had ds alone for a couple of nights when ds was about 9 mths old. BUT this was after dh and I felt happy and totally confident about her having him. It started from regular visits, her doing feeds (FF baby), general bits of care, learning ds ways and routine etc. Then one evening dh and I went to the cinema and so on. But she never ever badgered for alone time , went with the flow. She knew I trusted her completely and still do!

queeflett · 17/05/2019 14:35

The reason she had him stay at hers at 9mths was so we could go on a mini break.

endofthelinefinally · 17/05/2019 14:36

IMO it is not good for young children to be looked after by sulkers.
It is damaging.
I have good personal reasons for saying that; your child is not a toy or a pet or a source of entertainment to satisfy your mother's ego.
The problem with people who behave like this is that they often continue the behaviour towards the child.
One example -
Sulky person went off in a huff because my 2 year old didn't want to play the game chosen by sulky person.
2 year old followed SP across a busy road and was almost killed by truck.
SP blamed 2 year old.
SP was supposed to be looking after 2 year old at the time.

Gigglinghysterically · 17/05/2019 14:43

@1WyOrAnother
"Your DM & DC need to get to know one another without you there. It's an important part of childhood."
Wtf? It isn't actually necessary for the baby to get to know their GP at all, yet alone without the parents being there. I would be wondering what the heck is going to be happening that the GP don't want me to see?

GM has turned down the opportunity of looking after the DC while OP is upstairs doing other things I wouldn't offer again.