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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM sulking that she can't look after baby

155 replies

jacksprattt · 17/05/2019 12:43

My baby is almost 9 months and since she was born my DM has been wanting take her for a few hours. She is a teacher so this comes up every half term. When she initially asked baby was only a couple of months old and EBF and found expressing difficult so I just told her I felt DC was too young yet.

This came up again at Easter and I now feel that DC is old enough to be without me and I wouldn't mind a few hours break however DC has very bad separation anxiety and howls even when I am just going to the toilet. I explained this to DM (and she was witnessing the tears at the tine) but she left in a sulk and has not been to see DC since.
I know that this will come up at the next half term. I wish she would realise that by not visiting it is making it worse as DC forgets her so is not developing a relationship which would make it feasible to babysit.

My DP thinks maybe I should just give in for an hour and DC will be fine but I dont feel it's fair to DC (also feel she will continue to press for more after the first time so I want it to happen naturally).

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
Original poster
jacksprattt · 17/05/2019 13:03

"It's the blowing hot and cold and sulking that is ridiculous. If your DM wants to have a relationship with her GC then why does she stay away from her?"

Totally agree with this. this isn't the first time that she has stopped coming to see her she sulked after xmas she didn't come around for two months. But I thought she was just busy didn't realise until she did it at Easter that she was sulking. I really want them to have a relationship but she only lives 10mins away but chooses not to come and see her. I think she is being really selfish.

OP posts:
BlueMerchant · 17/05/2019 13:04

I'd ask DM if she could maybe visit you and take DD out for a walk in local park. You could start off going with them and build from there.

ReganSomerset · 17/05/2019 13:04

Within a minute of you walking out the door, she will be perfectly fine

You don't know that. Some babies will cry for hours in this scenario. The baby isn't particularly familiar with OP's mum and will be in an unfamiliar environment. She will likely be very distressed for the duration of the separation, whether or not she stops crying at some point.

queeflett · 17/05/2019 13:05

OP your baby is not a dolly for your dm to play with.
What is it with these older women doing this?
If she wanted she could come to your house as you say and have her fill while you get on and potter. She`s acting like a teen having a strop (like kids at school).

Limpshade · 17/05/2019 13:05

Can you make a compromise that DM looks after your DC at your house, but that you go out rather than hoovering should that read hovering upstairs?

I get where you're coming from but seriously there'll be a day when you'll want to escape the DC and you might regret not having your DM to call on.

Get them set up and go out for a coffee/shop/nail appointment - something that will take your mind off things. It might just be good for you too.

Nanny0gg · 17/05/2019 13:06

The sulking is ridiculous, but I'm assuming you're not going back to work yet?

BlueMerchant · 17/05/2019 13:06

You are quite right not to give in to demands but if I was you I'd make the first move and give this another chance. It will benefit you and DD in the long run unless dm is a complete pain and can't give half way.

GummyGoddess · 17/05/2019 13:06

If your DC isn't ready, she isn't ready. My second had a clingy phase that lasted a good 8 months! So different to my first who would be off without a backward glance as soon as he learnt to crawl.

Why would your mum want a crying baby for so long? Best to wait until dc is happy to be left if at all possible.

user1480880826 · 17/05/2019 13:06

Spending time away from a baby with separation anxiety is not the cure for separation anxiety and anyone who suggests that it is clearly hasn’t experienced it.

You mother needs to stop pestering you when you have made your thoughts on the subject quite clear. She can spend as much time as she likes with your baby if she just comes to your house and that time is no less valuable to their relationship than time spent with the baby in her own house. She sounds extremely unreasonable.

9 months is still so young. Why are people so obsessed with separating babies from their reluctant mothers?

Summerorjustmaybe · 17/05/2019 13:07

My dm flounced off once. I didn't contact her for ten years!! Your dm is behaving ridiculous!! I hope you don't make the first move and end up apologising op! Leave her to sulk. You have done nowt wrong.

DarlingNikita · 17/05/2019 13:08

God, another GP obsessed with having the baby on their own. What IS it with these people? Confused
And why do they sulk/cry/do guilt trips about it? I always wonder if all these women have always been sulky drama llamas or if there's something about becoming a grandparent that turns them into these kind of people.

GummyGoddess · 17/05/2019 13:08

Also to add, dc2 got over his anxiety alone. I'd rather he did it himself rather than forcing him away from his safe space. He is nearly 1 now and very happy and getting more confident by the day. I'd never force him just to get a break.

TheInebriati · 17/05/2019 13:10

She should be supporting you as a new mother, not trying to get hold of your baby for herself.
Sulking is a scary reaction from a grown adult. The sensible thing would be for her to visit you. I don't think your DH is right to suggest you 'give in', because thats not how family relationships are supposed to work.

PregnantSea · 17/05/2019 13:10

It doesn't seem like there's much of a reason not to let your DM take her to the park for an hour without you. Separation anxiety is never going to get better if you never let DD out of your sight.

SnuggyBuggy · 17/05/2019 13:11

YANBU, there is no need for alone time at this stage. Spending time with both of you should be good enough for her.

TheInebriati · 17/05/2019 13:14

Separation anxiety is caused by being separated from the primary caregiver, and wears off by itself in time. You cant cure it by separating mother and baby, thats not how it works.

OrdinarySnowflake · 17/05/2019 13:15

IF your mum can't see that she needs to build a relationship with your DD before she can expect to have her alone, then that's a big red flag, she doesn't really think what's best for your DD is the priority, more what's best for her.

It is good for children to have a good relationship with grandparents, if that grandparent is able to well look after the child, if your Mum won't think about what's best for DD, then that's not a good sign.

Perhaps invite her out for the day /afternoon somewhere with DD on the half term, get DD used to spending time with her. IF you get your invite in first, then it's not looking like you are being difficult. Hopefully over the long summer you could suggest her spending time with DD to help her get used to granny.

Huskylover1 · 17/05/2019 13:19

Definitely don't trust your Mum with a 9 month old! It's not as if she's ever been around babies before. Oh wait......

MacrosomicMumma · 17/05/2019 13:20

I think there are two separate issues here.

Getting your baby ready to be left with someone else.

Your mums behaviour which is manipulative and annoying and she's going about it all the wrong way.

Having someone who can take your child and give you a break sometimes is massively helpful and great for you. I have an extremely manipulative MIL but she is a great grandmother to my daughter (but we have to be strict with her on what she thinks parenting should be and what we think!).

It's tricky because of your mums behaviour doesn't lend itself to being reasonable. Reasonable would be spending increased time together as a three so baby can get increasing used to your mum. Then over time leaving the room. Being away upstairs for a bit and then eventually leaving them alone.

For people saying FGS leave them alone, the obviously don't have manipulative parents or understand child development. Anxiety at 9 months is totally normal for a child as it's developmental.

Original poster
jacksprattt · 17/05/2019 13:21

"She doesn't really think what's best for your DD is the priority, more what's best for her."
This is exactly how I feel. All I have to ask myself is that if I think it would be good for DC and I just don't think it is. She has been left occasionally with other people and just cries and cries. Why would I do this to her?

To those asking what would I do in an emergency, there are lots of other family who see DC regularly that I would choose over her, purely due to the fact that she doesn't have a relationship with her.

OP posts:
DownStreet · 17/05/2019 13:21

Very odd. We live hours away from all grandparents and they’ve managed to bond without ‘alone time’. It’s even weirder when it’s not even an inlaw.

ReganSomerset · 17/05/2019 13:22

It's not as if she's ever been around babies before. Oh wait......

🙄 I think you've missed the point somewhat here.

HiJenny35 · 17/05/2019 13:23

I hate this "you're making a rod" rubbish.
Your child, your decision, if you want to leave them up to you, if you don't then, no!
My first I left because I had to go back to work. My second I still haven't. There's no rod, she will be left eventually and be fine when she is ready.
You do exactly what you think is best, do not be pressured. If grandmother is not willing to try to visit and build a relationship so that the child is happy to be left rather than anxious then she's not someone I'd want to leave my child with.

CityStroll · 17/05/2019 13:23

YANBU. If she saw her regularly and your DC was comfortable with her I wouldn't see an issue but her attitude of not wanting to see her at your house makes it sound like she doesn't actually care about seeing her and just wants to play mum for a bit. Absolutely absurd to refuse to have her unless it's at her own house and to be so pushy about having her alone and yet not care about seeing her regularly.

UnicornBrexit · 17/05/2019 13:26

Sunsequent posts, it's quite clear you dont like your mother OP, never mind, you have all the other family to fall back on