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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM sulking that she can't look after baby

155 replies

jacksprattt · 17/05/2019 12:43

My baby is almost 9 months and since she was born my DM has been wanting take her for a few hours. She is a teacher so this comes up every half term. When she initially asked baby was only a couple of months old and EBF and found expressing difficult so I just told her I felt DC was too young yet.

This came up again at Easter and I now feel that DC is old enough to be without me and I wouldn't mind a few hours break however DC has very bad separation anxiety and howls even when I am just going to the toilet. I explained this to DM (and she was witnessing the tears at the tine) but she left in a sulk and has not been to see DC since.
I know that this will come up at the next half term. I wish she would realise that by not visiting it is making it worse as DC forgets her so is not developing a relationship which would make it feasible to babysit.

My DP thinks maybe I should just give in for an hour and DC will be fine but I dont feel it's fair to DC (also feel she will continue to press for more after the first time so I want it to happen naturally).

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
Xerxessa · 17/05/2019 13:27

Your DM is being ridiculous and thinking only of her own selfish wants. This is all about HER as far as she's concerned, not about what is best for you or the baby.

If she doesn't understand the need to build a relationship and familiarity with the baby before taking her away from her parents at this age, then she is startlingly low on empathy and this in itself would be ringing alarm bells for me.

Nobody is trying to stop her spending time with the baby. In fact you are actually keen to encourage that. But she is still sulking and stropping. Buy her a doll instead and she can take that home and play with it as much as she likes.

Reallybadidea · 17/05/2019 13:27

These threads seem to be increasingly common on MN. Is grandmothers insisting on alone time with baby GC a new phenomenon? Why do so many older women see this is as their right?!

ScreamScreamIceCream · 17/05/2019 13:28

Your mum is weird. If she wants to be left alone with your child then she needs to visit you and be around you more so your child is use to her, not disappear into a sulk.

My 8 month old daughter will scream if I leave the room even if her father is there and vice versa. It amuses us as she randomly decides who she prefers that hour. However there are certain people if she is being held by them and we are both leave the room she is absolutely fine with.

Cheeserton · 17/05/2019 13:30

"why do they do this?"

A depressing analysis. Really you find it so terrible that a grandparent wants to spend time with their grandchild?? Sure it's not always a great idea or practical, it all depends, but it's nonetheless a pretty understandable desire.

ThisIsTheEndgame · 17/05/2019 13:31

The OP doesn't want to leave her baby
The baby doesn't want to leave her mother
There is no need for the baby to be left.
The GMs wish to have a living doll to herself doesn't beat the OP and her babys wishes.

As for separation anxiety, DC1 saw plenty of MIL and still screamed for hours (yes, literally hours) when she was left alone with her in an emergency at around 10 months. It's a real thing, not something you create. The best way to deal with it is to keep your baby close and make them feel safe with people they know and trust, not by going against your better judgement and leaving them with a (sulky) stranger.

ThisIsTheEndgame · 17/05/2019 13:32

Clearly it isn't about the grandma wishing to spend time with their grandchild, or the OPs mum wouldn't be off in a sulk refusing to see the child Hmm

UnicornBrexit · 17/05/2019 13:35

The vilification of grandparents is awful

UnicornBrexit · 17/05/2019 13:36

The OP doesn't want to leave her baby .... I beg to differ ..... I now feel that DC is old enough to be without me and I wouldn't mind a few hours break

Alsohuman · 17/05/2019 13:36

No it isn’t a new phenomenon @Reallybadidea. What is relatively new is women not allowing their babies out of their sight. When mine were babies everyone left their baby with granny for a few hours.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 17/05/2019 13:36

She’s being daft and making this less and less likely. Rude out the separation anxiety and, if she grows up and stops sulking, see how you feel then.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 17/05/2019 13:37

Ride out! Not rude out!

Antonin · 17/05/2019 13:37

People don’t seem to realise that separation anxiety is a natural stage in a child’s development and not something to be managed unless there is a real need. Left to itself the child will pass through this stage to become a child confident and secure in its home environment and willing and eager to engage with new people and experiences. In evolutionary terms the “clingy stage” has real advantages for survival.
As a teacher your DM ought to have studied child development and be well aware of her dgc’s needs, but chooses to put her own needs first

SeaToSki · 17/05/2019 13:38

If she was serious about wanting a loving relationship with your DD then she would

  1. Come round to visit her
  2. Be happy to watch her in your house where DD has familiar things around her
  3. Suggest maybe a walk to the park or round the block to build DD's confidence up being away from you
  4. Be HELPFUL rather than demanding and then sulking.

Separation anxiety is usually best dealt with by slowly building up the DC's confidence rather than just doing a cold turkey maneuver which often makes the anxiety worse

GoodbyeRosie · 17/05/2019 13:42

I think if you've not had grandparents who have acted like this, the whole thing seems really bizarre.

Time and again we have these threads about GP's wanting to have extremely young babies overnight or even longer, as if it's their right.

The answer has to be if the parents don't feel like it's something they want to do, then it's end of chat.

GooodMythicalMorning · 17/05/2019 13:42

I see both sides. Might be nice for dc to be with your mum to give you a break but doesnt sound like you like your dm. I think thats more of the issue here.

Can you let her have her at yours for 10 mins alone (you could shower or bathe or something) and see how it goes?

I'm not saying you should be forced to leave your dc but it might be nice for them to bond with their gp.

Iris1654 · 17/05/2019 13:42

I had this with both sets of grandparents, a sister and my aunt did it to her DIL.

I personally think they want to recapture that time when they were in charge. I found that as soon as they knew a baby was coming, they all went away and drew up their own plans and expectations.
I was told my DS would be taken for walks, taught to ride, play piano, swim.....
errr no! This my baby.

It annoying and worrying for a new mum. I was a SAHM and I didn’t leave mine until they were about 13 months. They were breastfed ( great excuse) but really I was disturbed by their need to own my baby.

outvoid · 17/05/2019 13:43

They do move on from separation anxiety eventually although it takes some children much longer than others. My DD hated my Mother until she was around three and I mean, she would scream as though someone were murdering her whenever my Mum walked in the room... There’s no way I could have left her alone with her, it would’ve been cruel imo. She’s eight now and loves her Nan very much, they do get over it.

It’s not worthwhile upsetting your DC just to appease your DM.

ThisIsTheEndgame · 17/05/2019 13:44

@GooodMythicalMorning the OP suggested her DM have the baby in the house alone for a couple of hours and the DM rejected this idea

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/05/2019 13:45

It's not as if she's ever been around babies before. Oh wait......

I wonder how she’d have felt if her mother had tried to bully her to hand over the baby when neither she nor the baby were ready, and huffed off when she didn’t get her own way? As a mother she should know the best way to build a bond with her grandchild is to actually spend time with her.

Lllot5 · 17/05/2019 13:46

Can’t she just take her to the park for an hour? DD May be alright if she’s the one going rather than the one being left.

rainbowstardrops · 17/05/2019 13:50

Can't you start slowly and let your mum take her to the park or something?

OrdinarySnowflake · 17/05/2019 13:51

AlsoHuman - although to be fair, in previous generations, grandparents would be much more involved with grandchildren day to day anyway, so not going months between seeing them and then wanting 1-2-1 time.

I think this is the problem, in many grandparent relationships, grandparents being left alone with DGC is a natural next step to them seeing their DGC regularly, it being a normal thing to have granny come over/to go to granny's house, so grandmother is someone the baby is used to seeing and their house is a normal place they are used to being.

In this case, grandmother is a stranger to the baby. That has to be worked on first.

TheInebriati · 17/05/2019 13:52

Why would you give in to emotional blackmail when your baby is the pawn?

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 17/05/2019 13:52

I will never understand the need to have someone else's baby on your own. What's to be gained by making the parents leave the child with you?

You know your baby best - if they're not ready or comfortable with your mum, say no.

I have no dc myself but am very much a 'baby person' but I've never encouraged having friends children or nieces and nephews left with me. I think it's much better to be around regularly while they're little and believe the relationships will evolve in their own time (I am also now a regular babysitter for several of the children I know and we all have a nice time - it's just as important to me to know parents can relax while their children are in my care as it is to make sure the children are happy with me)!

GooodMythicalMorning · 17/05/2019 13:54

I missed that bit, sorry. Then yes if she rejected that idea she is being unreasonable.

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