To not pursue my child’s “incredible” swimming skill

[Amibeingdaft81]

Single mum, two children. One of whom is an exceptional swimmer. From that first lesson as a baby, she has utterly loved swimming and her swimming itself is unbelievably good.

She is now almost 9. She doesn’t do regular swim lessons. I buy the odd pack of 1-2-1 lessons and she has may be one every 4/5 weeks. She swims most weekends though, with her father, but purely recreational.

Anyway, at gym yesterday the teacher who has given her the 1-2-1s left a note at front desk to call him down when I next came to the gym. The first thing he said was “your daughter is the best swimmer I have ever taught by a significant margin”. He went on to say that although premature - he thinks she could be Olympian standard. He said that by not having her in a club I am doing her a disservice.

Here’s the dilemma. I’m a single working parent with no support network whatsoever. All going fairly well atm because I work damn hard at balancing all the balls and ruthlessly organised. Both children are keen sportspersons, very keen. This daughter is also very good at dross country and attends races, along with football and athletics. We are at capacity as to what I can balance.

She loves swimming and sport generally.

AIBU if I don’t pursue swimming as well? From what I can gather it’s a sport that involves very early starts and hours of training.

She’s still very young and though I don’t know but it doesn’t seem a sport that they peak at early teens (like gymnastics) so could it wait a year or two? And I’d tell your ex full time job or not if she did pursue it he needs to step up and help. Do some more research as to what the commitment is before you make any decisions. Also you’d child may be the best swimmer that ever lived but if she’s not completely totally 100% committed she’s not going to succeed.

Apologies if this has already been said but being really good and winning medals means really really wanting it. It doesn't sound like she does from what you've said.

She has to love it above and beyond everything else to get to Olympic level.
My dd is at school with a girl that will probably be on the team at the next Olympics for her sport (they are 14 at the moment)
The girl is top 5 in the country for her age. She trains 5 hours a day, every day (it's not all spent doing the sport it's also fitness training) she misses a lot of school travelling to competitions around the world.
The child is miserable.
Although she's brilliant she has reached an age where all her friends are going out at the weekend, hanging out at each others houses after school & she can't do any of it because she has to train.
She feels enormous pressure not to give up because so much time and money has gone in to her training over the years.
Only go down this path if you can honestly say you would be fine at any point if your daughter wanted to quit.

Rttf op is not going ahead.

Try a local club. At age 8, having never trained or swum competitively- (can she do all 4 strokes correctly?) , olympic potential is difficult to spot!
She may just have some natural talent. Take her to a club. At that age and with no previous experience, she won't be doing morning training.
Let her try and see how it goes.

I know the op has already decided, so I just want to counter the tales of woe about the horrendous swimming training. I did it. Still do it in fact, not quite so much. Around age 15 I was training 4 hours per day, 6 days a week. I absolutely loved it, loved the friends I made, have made a job of it, it's still my passion, and I'm fit as!
And one more thing, whilst I'm sure your dd is very good, there's no way on earth you could tell whether an 8 year old could make the olympics in swimming. No way whatsoever.

agree with starray - i would be terrified of the child one day holding that decision against me if i made it outright.

by all means, if it isn't going to work (and it doesn't sound like it will), i'm sure you know how you can position things so that she makes the decision herself. i think this would be an important distinction.

As a former competitive swimmer (not Olympic standard I should add!) I would say don't do it! It is a HUGE commitment and other aspects of your life suffer due to the number of hours you spend at the pool. And of course, at the end of the day it is not a lucrative career unless you're the next Michael Phelps.

Hopefully I can give you a bit of perspective as a 'swim mum'. My teenage daughter swims to a very high standard and for the teacher to tell you your dd has Olympic potential aged 8 is frankly laughable.

She's got more chance of winning the lottery I'd say!

Swimming is a great sport for kids and my DD loves it, but no-one should ever join a swim club with the idea of becoming Olympic champion. Go into it instead because it is an amazing way of keeping fit, learning discipline, being confident, making friends for life and having so much fun.

There are incredible highs when you are a competitive swimmer but also crushing lows. Learning how to deal with the bad times (and there will be!) is as much an experience as when they are winning medals, qualifying for nationals or getting picked to represent their county.

It's a massive commitment - probably around 11 hours a week training once you are 12 or 13, whole weekends taken up with galas and meets and travelling around the country chasing qualifying times.

It's also a massive financial undertaking - on top of training fees you'll have to stump up gala fees (which can be £8 a race), petrol and travel costs, regular hotel bills, and equipment . Race suits cost £250 a time and you'll probably need two a year. Training costumes can be £40, goggles £30, hats a tenner.... I could go on and on.

Having said all that your daughter is 8. There's no reason for her to train more than twice a week right now. She can wear a cossie from Asda and a hat from Home Bargains.

As she progresses and gets older training will increase and you'll have to add mornings into the mix but that might not be until she's 10 or 11. She may never be good enough for that.

Don't get me wrong we have loved our life as swim parents of two children and when it comes to an end, which it will naturally when younger DD is about 18, I will be incredibly sad and probably wonder what to do with my life! We have had such good times and hopefully more to come. But even at the level dd is, she has literally no chance of becoming an Olympic swimmer. We know that, she knows that and so does her coach. To suggest anything else is fantasy land.

I hope your dd does join the swim club and loves it - it's so rewarding to have a talent and use it well - but please do go into it with your eyes open! Feel free to PM me if you want to know anymore.

I think it's fine not to do it.

I'm not saying your daughter isn't great, but the reality is that at 9, there are quite a lot of people who have the potential to be Olympic standard, almost all of whom won't be. There are so many factors and things that could change which, given what it would mean for your family in your circumstances, make it a really unwise thing to pursue, imo.

are I have a family member who is a teen and is swimming at national level.
They are loving it and are very keen on carrying on.

However, their mum looks ill from all the early getting up and the transport etc... it’s having a massive effect on HER health.
Noting else happens. Siblings are pushed into swimming too, even though they dint get the same result nor do they get the same enjoyment because ‘the time we travel from and to the swimming pool is our time as a family’. Siblings have had to stop other pursuits because of that too.

I have to say I feel for those children, especially one of them that looks pushed out. The one who is doing well will probably have similar memories than you. The others.... they might well get to grow resentful to have been put on that thread-mill wo any other options.

There's quite a lot in between being an Olympic swimmer and simply enjoying swimming for a club a couple of evenings a week as an 8 year old.
You don't get the former without starting with the latter.
I'd start her, without these ridiculous olympics notions, and see how she gets on.
(I know op has said no, but it seems to be based on all or nothing).

Enrol her into a swimming club, let her take part in training and galas and see how she goes. You owe it to her to give her this opportunity.

I would run from anyone who told me that about my child. Swim training is the most monotonous way to spend your life. Waking early every day, no social life, just to plough up and down a chlorinated indoor pool. Grim. And the chance of actually becoming an Olympian is tiny.

I'd think there'd be more recriminations if you did encourage this instead of giving her the widest possible choices in life. Far more interesting for her if you were to encourage something like triathlon or pentathlon. At least she;d get to spend some of her early years outside.
I know a few swim-families. They are pale and exhausted and the entire family is sacrificed to training sessions - evening meals are guzzling sandwiches in the car instead of sitting around a table chatting; the sons never seem free to see friends - always training. I feel sorry for them. I don't think it's much of a life.

This is the problem with elite sport. It is not just ability that determines who makes it but the ability to be able to do all the training, travel to competitions etc. My son is in the local council swimming club and they wanted him to go up to the next stage, which would have been 4 training sessions a week, each 1-1.5 hours long. He's 8. And whilst decent enough, is not at the top. It would have had a massive impact on what we could do as a family. The next level up was even more intense. I think the programmes basically churn through lots of kids, sieving a few out at each stage, but by that point it's already been a significant investment in time and money. The other thing with certain sports, swimming in particular, is that whatever natural ability they have it ultimately comes down to size. If you're not big enough you're never going to be fast enough. But you're not going to know that until mid-teens.

So to compete at a high level in a lot of sports requires that the children either go at a private (probably boarding) school, which has a significant interest in the sport. Or parents who are able to do all the constant ferrying around, i.e. one parent not working.

Read the fucking thread, disappointed that OP has denied her child an opportunity to be the best swimmer she can be.

I was a very talented at a particular sport as a youngster as well as a very good all rounder in terms of other sports and hobbies. My parents encouraged me not to specialise in one thing and to be more of an all rounder. Whilst I can understand where they were coming from Iwish I had had the chance to really see how good I could be and what my true potential was. As it is I now pursue something very seriously as an adult but will never achieve what I could have had i done it when young.

You're absolutely right @EggAndButter, that is all true.
It was only when I became a parent of a swimmer myself, that I realised that most of the effort for my swimming came from my father. He organised everything, paid for everything, set his alarm for 4am, made my breakfast for the car, roused me complaining, etc; all I did was the training, he did everything else.

My DH used to be a competitive swimmer, his childhood and teenage years were spent driving round the country to different pools. In fact he knows the UK, but only through swimming pools.

I don’t think this is about whether you want your child to be an Olympic swimmer, it’s about giving your child the opportunity to be the best she can.

My three all swam for a swimming club and I was a single parent. It was the best decision I ever made. As adults they are all excellent swimmers and have gone on to sail, row, canoe and scuba dive. They still regularly swim to keep fit. Being a really good swimmer is great for confidence and fitness.

We drive around commenting that we've been here before for Eldest's football @PJMasksAreOnTheirWay, there are far more football pitches around than you'd think. The other children moan about how much time they spend watching him.

I think that's a good decision, you obviously are helping her access good opportunities so keep doing so, but to succeed she will need to develop skills like getting up in the morning 😁. If you have any local triathlon or pentathlon clubs I would really encourage that as fewer people participate so potentially easier to get to the top.

Maybe you should read the thread Hazlenutpie. The kid already does other sports to a high level. You can't do everything. The question was whether it was worth pursuing for the chance of getting to olympic level but at the detriment of her other activities, family life, money etc.

Read the fucking thread, disappointed that OP has denied her child an opportunity to be the best swimmer she can be.

This is bullshit.

Her DD can swim as much as she likes when she is older. Just let her do it as a hobby.

Whilst swimming at national level is an achievement, why would anyone want tht life for their kids? Olympians have to dedicate their life, at the total expense of anything else, including friends, relationships, earning money, in order to compete. Is that the life you aspire to?, constantly battling for funding and sponsership to make ends meets, dealing with injuries etc. It's really only a very few sports personalities that go on to make money off the back of it, through TV and advertising, the vast majority struggle along.

You can't do everything in life. OP has made it clear they don't have the time for it.

I think the answer 'I couldn't choose, I would have to die' basically tells you OP and us too, quite clearly, that the child does not want an all-out 'career' in one thing, which is what you need if you want a hope to achieve Olympic standard.
Because then she'd have to choose. And she'd rather die! How much clearer than that can you say it?!

This child (quite sensibly IMO) figures she'd much rather pursue her mix of sports and other interests, for fun and fitness and as a hobby, than pick one, dedicate her life (and yours) to it, and give up all her other interests, just to see how good she can get.

So I agree with your DD, OP, and think you have made the right decision not to pursue a swimming career. Just don't forget it's not black or white - she can still swim, she can still make progress and see how good she can get (on the basis of doing what you have been doing up to now, which is after all how she has already become quite good). And she can still change her mind - if she gets to the point that she does want to choose, you can explore the options with her.