To not pursue my child’s “incredible” swimming skill

[Amibeingdaft81]

Single mum, two children. One of whom is an exceptional swimmer. From that first lesson as a baby, she has utterly loved swimming and her swimming itself is unbelievably good.

She is now almost 9. She doesn’t do regular swim lessons. I buy the odd pack of 1-2-1 lessons and she has may be one every 4/5 weeks. She swims most weekends though, with her father, but purely recreational.

Anyway, at gym yesterday the teacher who has given her the 1-2-1s left a note at front desk to call him down when I next came to the gym. The first thing he said was “your daughter is the best swimmer I have ever taught by a significant margin”. He went on to say that although premature - he thinks she could be Olympian standard. He said that by not having her in a club I am doing her a disservice.

Here’s the dilemma. I’m a single working parent with no support network whatsoever. All going fairly well atm because I work damn hard at balancing all the balls and ruthlessly organised. Both children are keen sportspersons, very keen. This daughter is also very good at dross country and attends races, along with football and athletics. We are at capacity as to what I can balance.

She loves swimming and sport generally.

AIBU if I don’t pursue swimming as well? From what I can gather it’s a sport that involves very early starts and hours of training.

I did club swimming for most of my childhood/teenage years, and lifts were shared between two or three parents, so no parent had to drive every week.

My mother always made it clear that even if I were good enough, she would not be supporting me joining squad swimming at 7am every morning.

The evening swimming did also swim competitively, but not the same level, as no intensive training. I was disappointed that I never got selected for galas, and thought it was because I was not good enough. In later years, I discovered it was because my mother had said no, because she refused to drive me to pools all round the county and neighbouring counties.

I would say if it's possible to let her carry on swimming, do so, but if costs and logistics mean it's not possible, be open with her about that, and don't let her think it's because she isn't good enough.

Find out when the swim club meets. Our local one meets early morning before the pool opens to the public. It is a significant commitment for parents as well as for the child. Could you realistically do this? I know that we couldn't - and that is with one child and two parents living in the same house. It just wouldn't fit in with our work commitments never mind anything else. How would you manage with your other child?

Gosh I think I'd be tempted to go to extremes if my DC also wanted it. There may be other parents at swimming clubs that would be able to help - or you may be able to split the load. I'd talk to my DC and then xpartner and the coach to see what was possible.

Father travels. A lot.
I don’t work full time, 3 days a week

It's fabulous that the coach has said that about your daughter however surely you know that being good at something at 9 does not mean your child is olympian material. Having a gift for a sport is just the start, I would say it's more about mental attitude and drive. Swimming is hugely competitive, unless you have ever been involved in it you really have no idea what is involved. Is she even competing yet? I would keep her swimming and see how it goes. Swim coaches are notorious for their pushiness.

First, is it possible? Is there a club that could, possibly, work? Close enough to work or school I mean. If there isn’t, then the answer is clear.

If it IS possible, then you cd investigate what she’d need to do - how many sessions, and at what times. At our club it’d be 2 or 3 one hour sessions, late in the afternoon, at that age. They don’t do early mornings till they’re 13/14 (and of course most don’t get that far anyway). And they don’t do many competitions at this age either - one a term max, but can be just twice/yr.

If it were me, I’d investigate further and see if you can make it work at this stage. Don’t borrow trouble further ahead!

My nephew is exceptionally good at a particular sport, Olympic standard, and they have spent s lot of time and effort on enabling him to pursue this. He is now at uni in America on a full scholarship due to the sport, all fees paid, and will do really well in life because of it. Thoroughly worth the sacrifice I think...

“I couldn’t make that decision so I’d have to die!”

Fantastic!

Our son was a really good swimmer and was approached to take it up seriously. However, it would have meant 04:00 starts and we could never get him out of bed anyway!!!
He's nearly 27 now and STILL sleeps for hours...
So, we didn't go for it. Too much stress.

It's not just her though. 5am swims several times a week where the other child has to come too as well as events at weekends. It's not fair on the other child.

I was about to say you should try and make it work for her until I realised she's only 9. She is so young. Her interests will change so many times in the next few years. So long as she is swimming regularly she can come back to it seriously at the age of 13 or whatever.
You have to do what makes life good for everyone.

Totally different if there are two parents involved though.

This happened to my sister. My nephew was an exceptional swimmer but the commitment was just huge. It’s no good being an Olympic standard swimmer when your parent is miserable and has no time to cook your dinner and has no money for anything else.

My nephew’s coach actually called my sister a terrible parent (she isn’t).

Like your dd, my nephew is pretty good at a lot of things. He does another less consuming sport now which he is also brilliant at.

I was your daughter - an exceptional swimmer whose parents were told that I could be Olympic standard (South Africa in the 80's). My parents weighed up what sort of life that would give me and also them. The amount of sheer hard work that comes with training to be that good, the loss of free time, the amount of travel etc... and with three other children to consider, they decided not to pursue a career for that I ultimately might not want.

I am pleased they made the decision not to pursue it. I think I would have hated the rigour that is demanded of an athlete. I excelled in other things too, both athletically and academically - I think if you're of that type and an all rounder there are better lives to be had.

Oh that’s the other thing....

She is hopeless, yes hopeless!! About getting up in the morning.

She’s in bed asleep by 7.30pm and I have to shake her awake at 8am. To say she needs her sleep would be an understatement

Can you not try it for a month and see how you go? Surely you aren't committed for life by giving it a go?

Talk to your DD and explain it's a trial period, not that she is on trial but that you have to see if it's possible for the whole family.

One of my cousins was an Olympic swimmer .... he got up at 5am to train before school every day, it was brutal. With that much training, he was eating over 5000 calories per day - he ended getting sponsorship from a local dairy because he was getting through so much milk.... it's a full on commitment for the whole family, not just the child in training, with no guarantee at the end of it (my cousin "only" made it into the relay team at the second Olympics he tried for). He's a doctor now, not a professional sports person.

It could impact on your other child too. Who is going to be looking after them while the swimmer is swimming? etc.

Lots to consider. Personally I wouldn't do it unless the child was desperate to give it a go.

Our son is also a talented swimmer. He got too good for the local classes (which only teach to a fairly basic level) and we sent him to the swimming club as that was the only other option. They "only" train twice a week but it was very pressured and the people who ran it were very focused on him having the potential to compete. Some of the other kids were just allowed to swim and have fun, but ours was singled out and I think the coach wanted the prestige of having a "winner" in the club.
The problem was, he just loves swimming and the pressure made him ill. He got to the point where he would vomit when it was time to go to the pool. He doesn't go to the club any more but I take him swimming 2 or 3 evenings a week. Giving him more opportunities to swim has been of benefit to him, whereas putting him in a pressured environment was harmful in his case.
Also, if you can't do it then you can't do it. It's all very well for people to talk about depriving your child etc, but you also have to work and live. Where there is more than one child and the family schedule revolves around the "talented" one this can lead to a very unhealthy dynamic and leave the "non-special" child feeling left behind and left out.

If she's that good you could try and get her a scholarship at Millfield, that's what Tom Daley did. It wouldn't be for a few years but you could start to find out about it. I don't know if they do 100% bursaries but you never know.

There’s no way I’d be up for it - 4am starts, evening meets, your weekends spent at a hot stuffy swimming pool halfway across the country.

Im liking dross country running..

I think it’s rubbish for a few reasons. Firstly one of my DD swims competitively in an area of Australia reknowned for producing top level swimmers. When you go to regional swim meets they have the historical race records for all the age groups, all the strokes etc. Hardly any of the young kids’ records we’re set by children who went on to be Olympians. They’re all names no one would recognise. To me this means being well ahead of peers at aged 9 is not indicative of potential Olympic status. You only start seeing names you recognise in later age groups.

Second, any coach who says they can identify an Olympian at aged 9 is someone I would be very wary of. How many Olympians has he trained? No coach of 9 year olds worth their salt would ever put this much weight on someone’s shoulders at such a young age. It should still be about fostering enjoyment of the sport, honing technique, building strength and stamina gradually with age and seeing what happens with puberty because any elite swimming coach would know that like it or not, body shape development of a girl at puberty has a major impact on swimming at elite level.
The teacher sounds like someone I would keep my DD away from if he’s acting as though he sees a “project” in your DD.

She should swim because she enjoys it. If she’s that good there’s plenty of time to realise that potential, all that would be done now is destroy it.

My sister has 6 kids and one of nephews was spotted as having natural talent at diving, but my sister didn't pursue it as it just wouldn't have been fair to have that much focus on 1 out of 6 children.

Decision made - not going to do it

My younger one would be so impacted and miss out
Father can’t help
Daughter can’t hack lack of sleep
And if she gets the maths scholarship she will be going to a school that doesn’t finish until 5pm and has Saturday morning school.

Thank you for helping me and not judging

I do Fluandseptember suggests look at what options you have see if any would work and maybe to a trail period if they could - otherwise it’s a no.

It is hard with more than one child - one of DH close childhood friends had his childhood dominated by younger sibling’s sport - a lot of weekends and all the holidays. Sibling did well but never really developed into a career or other opportunities and while the siblings do get on DH friend doesn’t have a great relationship with either parent and is a bit bitter.