To not pursue my child’s “incredible” swimming skill

[Amibeingdaft81]

Single mum, two children. One of whom is an exceptional swimmer. From that first lesson as a baby, she has utterly loved swimming and her swimming itself is unbelievably good.

She is now almost 9. She doesn’t do regular swim lessons. I buy the odd pack of 1-2-1 lessons and she has may be one every 4/5 weeks. She swims most weekends though, with her father, but purely recreational.

Anyway, at gym yesterday the teacher who has given her the 1-2-1s left a note at front desk to call him down when I next came to the gym. The first thing he said was “your daughter is the best swimmer I have ever taught by a significant margin”. He went on to say that although premature - he thinks she could be Olympian standard. He said that by not having her in a club I am doing her a disservice.

Here’s the dilemma. I’m a single working parent with no support network whatsoever. All going fairly well atm because I work damn hard at balancing all the balls and ruthlessly organised. Both children are keen sportspersons, very keen. This daughter is also very good at dross country and attends races, along with football and athletics. We are at capacity as to what I can balance.

She loves swimming and sport generally.

AIBU if I don’t pursue swimming as well? From what I can gather it’s a sport that involves very early starts and hours of training.

I doubt she'd be swimming before school. At her age the swimming clubs here meet Sat morn, Sun eve and 1/2 eves in the week. But if she doesn't really love it, op, then let it go. Sounds like she's good at a lot of things, lucky girl.

DH’s mum had this issue as he’s a twin. Would have been too disruptive with just one doing crazy early mornings. If she’s a night owl anyway, then I think just be honest with her. Good luck!

In my experience, every provider of extracurricular activities for kids thinks their activity is the most important in the world. They don't see your daughter's talent in cross country or her other non-sporting interests. Club swimming is a huge commitment that both she and you have to be keen to make. It will probably take over your lives, leaving little room for athletics etc and your other child will either have to become a club swimmer or lose out entirely. Don't feel guilty if you think that your family life and her childhood will be better without it. When she is older, if she wants to, she can join a club and get there under her own steam. Or you might look into schools that offer generous sports scholarships.

x-posts there.

I'd focus on the maths as well - sounds like a more obvious pay off for the work currently.

This will require a lot of effort from you and your DP. I personally think it’s worth it — you always need to at least try to motivate your kids to pursue things they are good at. In this case swimming and maths. I know a similar boy (close friend’s son) who is similarly good at badminton and whose dad took him to meet ups, wakes him at 5am for practice before school, and supports him with diet / training / basically everything — this kid is also academically brilliant and is now on a scholarship at Eton where the school will now take over from his dad in a lot of the running around. But yes they are still sure he will be an Olympian and think he might also be just as good at rowing based on a few initial sessions.

Swimming is very full on. I did it when younger and found I missed out on a lot. I swam 6 days a week, did gym on top of that and looking back I don’t know how I managed to do school work as well.

My parents were approached when I was younger as ‘I had potential’ but they ignored that coach and eventually a club was set up for members of our private gym. My dad sacrificed a lot for us as he was also a coach.

It’s very competitive.

I was also good at athletics and cross country, which was picked up in secondary school and I was approached to train with a top club and former Olympians. It also meant that swimming and athletics clashed and I was warned about injuries etc due to being part of relays etc and to not let the team down.

Best thing to do is let her decide. She is till young and still has time.

All sports have their pros and cons. But a balance is needed to enable her to still maintain friendships as that’s what I found hardest. I couldn’t do sleepovers etc or Saturday trips to the cinema as swimming came first from 6 until I was 16.

My DD was passionate about a sport. We moved mountains to help her follow her dream. We spent tens of thousands and sacrificed family time and holidays for years. She was talented and we were told to keep following the path by her coaches. Then she got to 15 and hormones hit in a big way along with weight gain, self doubt and inertia about everything including her former passion. She gave it up!

She says now that the commitment required would have meant less time at school and with her friends and she wanted to keep her options open which we cannot argue with. They have to be self propelled to succeed (as well as so many other things) and there was always the risk of injury dashing a hoped for dream. I would be lying if I said I wasn't devastated (ish) initially especially as we had made such efforts for her but she was the main ingredient in the whole pursuit of success and she just wasn't interested anymore.

I suppose then my advice would be to let her do as much as she enjoys and you can manage. Olympic level would be 100% commitment and if she loves other things then they would ultimately have to be sacrificed which would she does not want.

I would agree with a PP and say no to this at aged 9. Just keep her swimming and improving and see what is what at secondary school. Her new school might have good swimming facilities. I understand early starts would be normal for competitive swimmers and that sounds like it would be a nightmare for everyone including your younger child who might get dragged into it. She does loads already and doesn't actually want to commit to swimming so don't feel guilty about it for a second.

It isn't the be all and end all to be truly excellent at a sport. I would only let my child do intense training at their age if THEY really drove it themselves.

I remember someone in a Noel Streatfield book saying that it is great to be good at a sport but a nuisance to try and be the best

I wouldn't do this, it means everyone would have 4am starts, including the sibling (who presumably isn't old enough to be left alone?)

You'd be up at 4am on weekdays, to get both kids up, dragging the other kid out for a couple of hours, just so DD9 can do her swimming, which she'd have to do pretty much every day.
And then weekends will be based around DD9s swimming events - so potentially missed activities/social events/lazy time

The other child will resent this!

It might be different if Dad can take her swimming every morning and get her back home for breakfast and school, and collect her for weekend training and events. (or look after other child from 4.30am (or whatever time) or when other DD is at swimming events - but I'm guessing that won't happen...

All for her to "maybe" be an olympic level swimmer?

I am a former swim mummy. My child joined a swimming club at 7. He went through all the ducklings and swim awards etc by aged 6. He was a natural. He swam competitively as soon as he was allowed. He was (and still is) an awesome swimmer. But it is an early development sport, and the commitment is immense.

As soon as they reach teens, they are expected to swim 10-15 hours a week. The cost is huge - lessons as they progress will set you back around £1500-2kpa, plus swim suits, goggles, land work equipment. Then there are the fees for competition - thats about £50 a time. And then there is your time. You will be sat by the pool for many many hours. As a single parent your other child will also be sat by the pool. We had would leave the house at 5:30am. The extra food bill is also a thing.

my DS made national level. ANd at 15, he walked away, no longer interested. He was in the top 50 for his age group and and he was at a massive disadvantage because he was one of the youngest in the year, and at puberty, that's the difference between 5'6 and 6' .

Why did he drop out? Because he missed out on so much social life. He was always training. His social skills suffered, he went off the rails because his whole identity was centred on his swimming, after so many years. He had to reinvent himself.

Its a lovely thing, to watch a child swim beautifully. We had many good times. BUt it is a huge huge commitment for the family, not just the child. My other two children had real issues with my sons' perceived special status because it took us away from family events regularly.

And of all the children we knew in the national squad, most dropped swimming when real life and boyfriends/girlfriends and parties kicked in.

I think children need some spare time and enjoyment in their lives. It seems to me you are doing your very best for your daughter, and her enjoyment of swimming and chance to do it regularly is much more important than pushing her along the competition road.

I don’t think it is about whether you can do it all, but whether she can. Rather that presenting at she has to pick one because you can’t do more, present it as she has to pick one because she needs to dedicate proper time to it to be the best she can be.

She can remain as a jack of all trades, or she can be a master at one. It’s actually likely if you let her do the swimming for a bit she will realise on her own that something has to give.

A family member had a son very gifted, also headed for Olympic standard, in a sport ( not swimming but similar, no expensive equipment to consider) there were early starts, lots of travelling to work with good coaches, travelling to competitions country wide he had a lot of early success. He was an only child and his mum didn’t work, he missed so much school and when he was there got badly bullied because of his “fame” moved schools the same happened, his mum ended up home schooling him and basically giving up her life to support his dream. As she didn’t have other children to consider and her DH earned enough to support them all she wanted to give him a chance at fulfilling his potential ( it cost them a lot of money!)
After a few years, still in his teens, he just didn’t want to do it anymore and stopped, he only does it for fun now.

She's 8 - Clubs dont start competing until they are 9/10 so she does not need to be in there yet being hot housed. She still has time to go later if she is that good she will still make it!

Maybe if you want to do something then look at a regular swimming lessons rather than these private lessions. 1 to 1 is all well and good but it does not give the child the chance to compete with the rest of the group and therefore are not stretched in the same way. My daughter swims at a council pool at ASA stage 9 - she learns alot of the racing starts etc for competition but she swims for 30mins once a week (after school).

Just wanted to say that I have made the same decision with dc1.
I don’t regret it at all. (Dc is a teen now)

It’s not because you have abilities in one area that you have to pursue it.
Since then dc1 has found other interests where they can use their athletic abilities. It’s much more manageable for us as a family as just as enriching for him.

@AGirlHasNoCake

Interesting DD is also youngest in her year

My son was also a fantastic swimmer. He swam for his primary school and got gold medals and county records. He loved it.

He was invited to join a local club and started training with them. He moved up the squads very quickly and was then training three mornings a week at 5:30am and one evening for two hours. He was supposed to do another morning on top of this plus the occasional dry training session too but pool was half an hour away so it was a massive commitment time wise.

He lasted 6 months before he broke down in tears and said he just couldn't do it anymore. It completely took away his love of swimming.

This was just club swimming. Olympic level must be all consuming.

Yep, totally sure of decision. It’s a no

Thanks again!

Unless your daughter is 100% committed, will remain so for years and years to come, is willing to forego everything and anything else, and you are 100% committed time-wise, financially, and willing to put your other children on the back burner, chasing some Olympic fantasy is a waste of time. I wouldn't have wanted my children to strive for the Olympics. There is so much more to life.

Does the Maths Scholarship school support swimming?

I think if she wants to do it and she is talented then you just make it work. If she starts the swimming keeks all the other clubs up at some point something g will naturally slip off the radar. Perhaps it will be swimming but at least she’s had the opp. My son does a demanding sport for half of the year and it’s tough but the pleasure he’s hers from it outweighs it all.

I am not keen on kids being pushed into greatness so young, why can she not just enjoy swimming when she goes? Why can’t we just allow kids to develop naturally? Look at the greats, across the spectrum - for so many fame and fortune and success comes at such a horrific cost. She will spend her teens in the pool, doing gruelling training, when her friends will hone hanging out, learning to be adults, having fun, having a childhood.

My youngest was picked out for a gym squad early on. I let her do some extra hours. The routine was barbaric, the training gruelling, for teeny tiny ones. Some were told that if they cried the curtain to the parent gallery would be shut. My daughter is a people pleaser and was groomed in a way, with adults telling her she was amazing, buying her gym related gifts, putting her photo on the wall in the squad gallery, and making her think these coaches loved her and therefore it was ok that they squashed her down into splits and hurt her. I had to tell her that it was very wrong. We never stepped foot in the gym again.

I took them both away to a new non competitive gym. There, they said she was talented and might ‘miss her slot’ if she didn’t compete. I said she wasn’t a show pony, that I wanted her to run around, do cartwheels, play with friends, be a child. I see her now in gym, full of smiles, having loads of fun. She can’t do a back flip anymore, and certainly won’t be an Olympian, but is that really better than having a happy, pressure free childhood?

I’m perhaps biased. I hate kids competing seriously so young and think it hampers their overall development by ciphoning their time and commitment into only one area. For some kids, it will be self driven. For most though, it’s the parents who want it, not the kids.

I've been in the same situation, the coach didn't say she was the best ever but did mention the Olympics. She was already doing loads of team sport and karate.

I've never regretted saying no.

I wouldn’t do it myself. I watched a programme about talented sporty children a while ago, and the sacrifices the whole family had to make were huge. Early starts at the weekend for everyone, other children sat watching from the sidelines, money spent on coaching and equipment rather than holidays etc. And often for sports that wouldn’t lead to careers, certainly not life long careers. I think it’s good to develop her skills and support her interests, but making swimming her job at age 9 and the other child a spectator? Not for me.