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Original poster

Please help, funeral home visit

180 replies

brokenbeyondrepair · 17/05/2019 00:13

I'll just keep this short and sweet...
My darling darling mother passed away unexpectedly and suddenly last week at a relatively young age, I'm in my 20's (sorry trying not to be outing) and from today she is ready to be visited at the funeral home.
It never crossed my mind that I wouldn't go and see her but when it's come to it, I just don't think I can bear it.
I'm pregnant and due in just a few weeks and I have to put this baby first.
Two family members visited her today and one had to be helped up from the floor absolutely distraught.
She was my absolute world, my best friend as well as my mother.
Other family members don't think I should go to visit her but I fear if I don't I'll regret it for the rest of my life
Please tell me what I should do...

OP posts:
cantfindname · 17/05/2019 18:32

So sorry you have to face this. Flowers

Don't go. I am certain your lovely Mum would far rather that you remembered her as she was than be upset over this visit. It is meaningless, her spirit and the essence of who she was have gone.

My partner, who I adored, died 12 months ago. I didn't visit. Do I regret it? Not one bit. I have the memory of the lovely cuddle we had the evening before and nothing to mar it.

Look after yourself and your baby-to-be and be content that you had a lovely Mum, so many on here don't. xx

MyNameIsArthur · 17/05/2019 18:34

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers and to lose your mum while she was so young is tough going. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. I think no one can tell you what to do here. Is very personal and is only a decision you yourself can make. My mum died a month ago and it is devastating but she was in her 80s. I did want to see her at the funeral home but was unable to as I was ill at the time. I got to say my goodbyes to her before she died so I'm fine with the fact I didn't see her at the funeral home. I did get to see my dad though at the funeral home when he died and was glad I went to see him.

I had wrote a letter to my mum a couple of years ago when I was ill with cancer but the letter was only to be given to her in the event of my death. My mum never got to read it but I had it put in her coffin with her.

I hope you are able to find the right decision for yourself as to what to do. God bless Flowers

ivykaty44 · 17/05/2019 18:36

Op I have so much empathy for you, I lost my mum in my twenties and was heavily pg. it’s such a tough time.

You really have to do what is right for you and look after baby. I doubt that you will have any regrets not visiting the funeral home

💐

Sparkles07 · 17/05/2019 18:38

I lost my mum 10 years ago tomorrow.

I was in my early 20's and 5 months pregnant.

It was unexpected too, and I was floored by it. Everyone kept telling me to worry about my blood pressure and to calm down. It was impossible though obviously!

I didn't go to the funeral home, I was with her when she died, I felt no need to upset me and the baby again. I don't regret that decision or any of the decisions I made at one of the toughest times of my life. You do what you can to get through this, whatever that is. Sleep, cry, eat chocolate, smash plates against a wall etc. You and baby first. Your mum would want that.

Tingface · 17/05/2019 18:44

Sorry for your loss x

I saw my Dad an hour after he died in hospital and it already wasn’t him.
I don’t know anyone who’s gone to visit the body at the funeral home; it’s a really alien concept to me.
If you don’t want to; that’s absolutely fine x

Chancewouldbeafinethlng · 17/05/2019 18:45

Ah sorry op Sad
I had to go and see my mum as I needed to identify her body. I was terrified going in but once I saw her I felt fine. It kind of confirmed to me that she had died and it wasn’t all an elaborate joke!
I then went to see her again in the funeral home through choice. You know it’s not really them when you see the body, the spirit has long gone, but I found it helps to say goodbye to the face you are so used to loving.
We ended up sitting with mum in the funeral home for over an hour just chatting about memories of her, things we loved and things we regretted. It was cathartic.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Last piece of advice- don’t try and put a time limit on your grief. It varies so much from person to person but know it’s very normal to still feel as if you are grieving years later. The pain isn’t as fresh and raw as it feels now though thanfully.
You just need to be kind to yourself and let yourself feel whatever you are feeling

littlestrawby · 17/05/2019 20:48

I am so so sorry OP. I can't imagine the grief.

Whatever your decision, you need to go with your gut feeling and do what is right for you in this moment. If you do get to a point in a few months time when you question that choice, you can tell yourself that you did what you needed to do at that point and so it was always going to be the right choice for you. That is a bit of a bumbling way of explaining my thoughts but hopefully you know what I mean.

I really hope you have a good support network around you, and that you feel able to lean on them in the coming weeks. Sending you lots of love and strength Thanks

Jamiefraserskilt · 17/05/2019 21:12

After loads of lovely times with my grandfather the only memory that immediately comes to mind is his face after he passed. That is not how I want to remember him. If it were mum though, it would be a harder decision. Ignore what everyone else says and go with your heart.
Sorry for your loss. X

jay55 · 17/05/2019 21:18

I went with my dad and sister and waited in the next room. I didn't want to see mum like that and even though I'd not been able to 'say goodbye' as she died suddenly, I didn't want to do it that way.

My uncle said he regretted not seeing his father, and regretted seeing his mother.

It is an entirely personal thing.

jay55 · 17/05/2019 21:18

And so sorry for your loss, wishing you every strength for the time ahead.

TopEndChops · 17/05/2019 22:02

I'm just going to echo what others have said really. It's an intensely personal thing but the problem is you only have a finite amount of time to decide then that's it either way.
I went to sit with my partner both in the days before and on the day of his funeral. He didn't particularly look the same as the living man I loved but it was easy for me because I always knew I had to go and just be with him. I don't regret it for a second.
It felt like i was where I should be, with him.
I played him his favourite song and slipped a note in his pocket to take with him and it gave me a fleeting feeling of peace, which helped during his funeral.
None of his family went and I bear them no ill feeling for that.
Only you can decide what is right for you.
Sorry for your loss.

Original poster
brokenbeyondrepair · 18/05/2019 00:29

I cannot thank you all for your kind words and opinions.
It's especially difficult being that it was so sudden and unexpected as it was suicide
The last things we said and did together were perfect. Our last words to each other were 'love you' as we always said after goodbye and I wonder if this is how it should be ended between us

OP posts:
MumInTheCity · 18/05/2019 00:33

I’m sorry for your loss. As others have said you have to go with your gut and do what feels right for you. My dad died just over a year ago. I went to see him in the funeral home, my sister didn’t. Neither of us regrets our decision and no one judged either of us for doing what felt right to us at the time.

Original poster
brokenbeyondrepair · 18/05/2019 00:35

@Missingstreetlife
I wasn't with her when she died, nobody was and that breaks my heart.
I did see my grandfather a few years back but I was with him when he passed and went to the funeral home to say one last goodbye and it tore me apart. I can't say I regretted it but he was poorly for a lot of years and it was a blessing in the end, out of pain and suffering.
I was close over the years to my grandfather but my mother was my absolute best friend my whole life. Our last goodbye the previous evening was perfect, I don't want to marr that

OP posts:
Graymare · 18/05/2019 01:33

Oh OP, I am so so sorry for what you are going through. Suicide is,from personal experience, the hardest type of loss to deal with and to believe that the person you loved has actually gone.
You say your last evening with your mum was perfect and you don't want to spoil that memory. If that is your instinct then I think it's important that you go with it. Your mum's last words to you were to tell you she loved you, although you may not believe it now this will bring you comfort in the future. Obviously no one can know what is right for you but personally, as someone who has viewed and not depending on circumstances, I would cherish that last happy memory.

pintoffginplz · 18/05/2019 01:42

I haven't read the replies yet but wanted for the op to see my reply

My mum died unexpectedly when I was 6 months pregnant with my son. I wanted to see her at the chapel of rest but my dad and husband (stxh) really were against me going. They were worried I would find it to traumatic seeing her. So I didn't and I can safely say now that even after 10 years after she has passed, not once have I regretted seeing her.

OkPedro · 18/05/2019 01:59

pint the op has replied. Each to their own, I saw my best friend, my Mam and my Dad after they died. It gave me huge comfort and was a great way to accept what had happened. I’m glad you haven’t regretted not seeing your Mum after she died x

milksoffagain · 18/05/2019 11:21

So sorry my love.

I went to see one parent but not the other (geography), and to be honest I don't think it makes a lot of difference in the end.

It's not a right / wrong decision and isn't something you are doing for your mother - it is only for you. So whatever you decide IS right because it is the best decision you could have made in the circumstances iyswim.

Some lovely stories of people passing in The Unexplained section on this site which might give you some comfort when you feel up to it. I'm not a believer by nature but some of them have made me think!

And one thing I know as a mum is that my love for my children will never die whether I am around or not. x

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 18/05/2019 12:02

I'm so sorry, what a difficult situation for you. It sounds as if you have said goodbye in a way that is meaningful and significant for you. x

gubbsywubbsy · 18/05/2019 12:05

Have you seen your mum at all since she died? I saw my dad straight after and recently my best friend and they just looked asleep .. I didn't want to see either in the funeral directors .. you don't have to and I don't regret it .. keep the last memory a good one as it will be with you forever .

Original poster
brokenbeyondrepair · 18/05/2019 14:48

@gubbsywubbsy no she died alone and it was my father and husband that found her blue and tried to resuscitate her. My husband asked me to please not go and see her whilst she was in that state so thought, okay I can see her when she's in the funeral home but now it's come to it I just don't think I could bear it. It's the fear of going to see her and not being able to walk away and leave her lying there alone

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 18/05/2019 14:52

My brother died young and suddenly. I went in the room and don't regret it. My sister didn't go in and doesn't regret it.

Do what feels best for you. Whatever you decide will be fine.

So sorry for your loss.

gubbsywubbsy · 18/05/2019 14:54

@brokenbeyondrepair .... the problem is she won't look like your mum as you remember her now so that will be your last memory .. you can always ask to go and talk to her when she is in her coffin if you have things you want to say .. I'm so sorry for your loss it's awful isn't .

bombaychef · 25/05/2019 23:49

I saw both my parents just after they died and they looked like they had gone to sleep and just stopped breathing. Both in hospices so not traumatic. I also saw them in funeral home and again they looked so at peace. As both had been ill, it was not hard to see them looking so restful.

MrsTommyBanks · 25/05/2019 23:57

I have never regretted seeing anyone in the funeral parlour. It's always given me a sense of closure and helped me come to terms with their death. I include my DM in this.
I regret those I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to. I really do.
There is no right or wrong. Do what is best for you.
I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

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