Please help, funeral home visit

[brokenbeyondrepair]

I'll just keep this short and sweet...
My darling darling mother passed away unexpectedly and suddenly last week at a relatively young age, I'm in my 20's (sorry trying not to be outing) and from today she is ready to be visited at the funeral home.
It never crossed my mind that I wouldn't go and see her but when it's come to it, I just don't think I can bear it.
I'm pregnant and due in just a few weeks and I have to put this baby first.
Two family members visited her today and one had to be helped up from the floor absolutely distraught.
She was my absolute world, my best friend as well as my mother.
Other family members don't think I should go to visit her but I fear if I don't I'll regret it for the rest of my life
Please tell me what I should do...

So sorry for your loss.

It's a personal decision, I didn't visit my grandmother in intensive care despite knowing she had hours to live because I wanted to remember her sitting up in her bed in her house and giving me a hug, wishing me a good holiday (she was unconscious by the time I returned). Nobody will judge you either way, some people want to say goodbye, perhaps seeing them makes them realise that it's real, others are like me I have memories and photos, happy ones.

Take care

I’ve been to two open-casket viewings. The first one was of a very old man and was the first time I’d ever seen a dead body. I felt pretty unwell TBH but not to the extent that anyone else noticed or was impacted. The second time was a close friend. The body didn’t look anything like him in life. For me it was a good experience because it didn’t feel like ‘he’ was there, just a shell that wasn’t anything much to do with him anymore.

It’s entirely up to you. If you do want to go, you can always ask to have the casket closed before you go in and see how you feel.

I went to see my dad, didn't want to regret not going, wish I hadn't, can't get the image out of my head. If I were you I'd remember your mum as she was xx

I wouldn't go OP. I went to see my son and it broke my heart because he looked so different. That is an image I will never forget. Better to keep happy memories and say goodbye in another way . My deepest condolences x

I didn't go to see either of my grandparents and I don't regret it at all. It is such a personal choice

Personally, I'd go with a closed coffin and be accepting to the possibility of opening it. The act of physically saying goodbye and checking in one last time would really help me- but that's me, not you. There's no right or wrong way to do anything, just do what feels right and comfortable for you and your beliefs. Think about what you want or feel the need to do and how you can best meet those wants and needs.

for your loss. xxx

So sorry for your loss. My DM also died in my 20s, very suddenly and it was a massive shock.

I have had three very close deaths in my family, had the option of chapel of rest with all.

Death 1 - very traumatic - I found the body when I was 17. I went to the chapel of rest to try and replace the last bad memory. It didn’t work and to be honest I wasn’t prepared for what the body would look like.

Death 2 - hadn’t intended to go but I did. Glad I did. She looked very peaceful and almost happy.

Death 3 - my DM - I didn’t go. I had no desire to, no need to, and I don’t regret not going at all.

I also didn’t go and see grandparents and I don’t regret it.

On balance I would say don’t. Not if the last memories you have are good.

So sorry for your loss

I went to see my husband at the funeral home, and it was the worst thing I did. He wasn’t the man I’d known for almost 30 years. Be kind to yourself, if you don’t feel up to it, don’t go.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I lost my db recently and I decided not to see him. I went the next day when the coffin was closed and I suddenly really wanted to see him, but it was too late. He died suddenly, he was sick but not expected to die and it had been a week since i had seen him and he was in hospital in a lot of pain. All I kept thinking was I wanted to see him one last time, pain free. My advice is to go, and if you don't feel up to seeing her when you get there, don't go in.

I am so very sorry for your loss
I lost my dad 18 months ago and made the decision not to visit him in the funeral home, and I've not regretted it.
When I was in my late teens my grandad died. We weren't particularly close but I went with my dad to see him, and it stayed with me for years. That's how I remembered him. He didn't look like my grandad anymore, his skin felt strange and cold.
I didn't want to remember my dad that way so that's why I made the decision not to go. My mum didn't go either.
I dont think there's a right or wrong answer here, but you need to think about your own health, needs and grief first. There are many other ways to remember someone you love in these early stages of grief if you decide not to go.

I'm sorry for your loss . I lost my Mum 2 months ago after a short illness and I did go and see her in the chapel of rest. It was something that I felt I had to do. I did get some closure from going. It was upsetting at the time as it didn't look like her, but I don't regret going at all.

It's a very personal choice whether you go or not. Will you regret it if you don't go?

Do you have someone who can go with you? If when you get there, it all feels too much, then don't go ahead with it. It's very difficult, I know, but only you will know if it is the right or wrong thing for you to do. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.

I visited my mother, but my wife didn't want to visit her father. It doesn't matter whether you visit or not, it's just what you are comfortable with. I actually took my mother's best friend of over 60 years, and it meant such a lot to her.

In retrospect I shouldn't have been surprised but my mother was ice cold, and although it was just a detail, it shocked me at the time.

So very sorry for your loss. Losing your mum is one the worst things life throws at you. The world is never the same again.

I was with my mum when she died and didn't want to see her again. But I did want to say goodbye so went to visit with the coffin closed. Seeing the coffin for the first time at the funeral can be brutal and it took the edge off that for me.

You must do what feels right for you. There's no wrong or right. We're all different. 💐

So, so sorry. I went to see my beloved Dad at the funeral home and even though I’d been with him when he died I do wish I hadn’t gone to see him again. What I wish I’d done was maybe go into the room with him but not actually look if you know what I mean. I think being with him gave me the comfort I needed but I really do wish I’d not actually seen him

So sorry for your loss OP.

I was with my Mum when she passed - very unexpectedly (she was in hospital recovering really well from a hip operation when her heart began to fail) She went very peacefully, as if she'd fallen asleep. I came away devastated, but comforted IYSWIM. I didn't want to see her afterwards, but I felt as though I hadn't had time to say all I needed to, so I wrote her a letter and asked the funeral director to put it in with her. It did help in terms of goodbye and closure.

Love and strength to you; and be kind to yourself - remember, there's no right or wrong way to grieve.

I was 16 when my mother died suddenly, and I was expected to go into the room and see her. I hated it, and it certainly didn't help me. Three months later my grandmother died, and I felt like I had to see her. Hated that too, had no idea how I was supposed to react. It was just a shell, and nothing like the person I loved. I have refused for my other relatives, and even when my dad died unexpectedly, I still refused to see him. It was not him anymore. I don't regret my decision at all.

My mum died recently and I didn't go to thee funeral home but I was with her for a long time when she was ill and with her when she died so said everything I had to and felt no need for more

I didn't go and see my dad or my uncle. My sister was buried abroad and they had an open casket. I was with her when she died which was traumatic enough but hated seeing her in the coffin.

My DH went to his mum but when she died he hadn't seen her for a few weeks as she lives so far away . He said he spent time talking to her and it brought him some comfort.
In the end it is so so personal.

This must be so difficult for you. I hope you're getting some good support.

My mum was at my house when she died, so I saw her then and chose not to go to the funeral home to see her again. I saw my grandmother that way and really disliked it. My dad went to see my mum at the funeral home in case he regretted it if he didn't, but he said afterwards that he'd wished he hadn't. Personally I don't mind seeing people so much when they have just recently died, but not when they have been prepared for viewing. I think that's what my dad didn't like.

I felt the same with my husband; I didn't want to identify his body but had to. Again I chose not to go and see him at the funeral home later on. Although I found it a bit traumatic to have to identify him, it was certainly helpful for me to have seen him and understand that he'd gone. I'm now glad I did it. I wouldn't have liked it if his body had been prepared though. This is maybe unusual as he had some discolouration, bruising etc which would have been covered up for a viewing, but if I have to view a body I prefer to see the person as they were, rather than with make-up.

On the other hand, my husband's son found it very important to go and see him at the funeral home and was extremely distressed at the idea he might not be able to, and he appreciated the fact that his dad's body had been prepared.

As PP have said, I guess an option is to go into the room to sit with her. You don't have to look if you don't want to, but you'll know you went.

OP if you feel that you want to go and say goodbye but don't want to see her then ask the funeral for a closed coffin - this way you can spend time with her but still remember her how she was.
But honestly there is no need to go if you don't want to

So sorry for you loss, such a difficult time for you. I went to see both my aunt and my mum. Like PP have said, the part of them that was really them had gone, all that was left was the shell. I don't regret going and I did worry that the image of them in their coffins would stay with me. It hasn't at all my memories are all of the living vibrant people they were and not of the viewing.

I'm so, so sorry for you loss, especially at what should be an exciting time looking forward to the birth of your baby.

I too lost my Mum in my 20's and I completely understand how distraught you must be feeling. My mother died in different circumstances (she had been ill for a while), I went to visit her in the hospice just hours after she died and it wasn't distressing but it wasn't my mum if that makes sense, she was gone, although I am glad I went. I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself that you are making the right or wrong decision, go with what feels right for you. If you decide not too it doesn't mean you love your mum any less it's personal choice.

You will always have your memories and those are what you will cherish in the time to come. Be kind to yourself and think about some counselling in the months to come, trying to battle on through and putting a brave face on things will only get you so far, you are allowed to feel sad and upset, allow yourself time to grieve

I didn't go and nor did my brother. Neither of us regret it 5 years later. I'm early 30's and my brother is younger. Neither of us went to see our grandma either. The funeral was a chance to say goodbye after they'd gone.

A couple of years earlier I did go to see my mother in law (to support DH) I did not cope well and struggled to shift the mental image. It wasn't how I wanted to remember her. She looked peaceful but it was just too much. I try to always remember the welcome she gave me when I went to visit and the way her face lit up when she saw her eldest grandchildren instead of that last moment.

I saw mum a few minutes after she died 6 months ago, and at that point she looked still in pain. I then saw her a couple of days later, and she looked peaceful. There was a subtle difference, a not quite mum feeling but I felt at peace, although heartbroken. She'd been ill for a while so we knew it was coming. I haven't regretted it, even though I cried. I did leave a handwritten note, tucked into the coffin, just something between me and mum.

I can only tell you from my own perspective.

My dad died unexpectedly after a surprise 2 week illness. It has been the single biggest loss of my life. My life has been split into before he was gone and after.

I went to see him and my brother decided not to neither of us regret our decision!

I went on my own to see him as even if I'd wanted someone I had no one to go with me and at 21 I managed it and it went fine.

Seeing him confirmed to me he was definitely gone he looked like my dad but he definitely was not my dad anymore. He didn't look bad or scary but he very much was missing the undescribable element that made this man I was looking at my dad. It helped me to move my emotions away from the person I was burying and to the memories I had of him.

My brother didn't want to see him and he has never thought that was the wrong choice even once.

The point is neither option is wrong.

If you want to don't not because your scared but if you don't then don't force yourself because you think you should. That's the only regret you'll have is going against what you want! This is your choice and no one can tell you it's wrong!