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Original poster

Please help, funeral home visit

180 replies

brokenbeyondrepair · 17/05/2019 00:13

I'll just keep this short and sweet...
My darling darling mother passed away unexpectedly and suddenly last week at a relatively young age, I'm in my 20's (sorry trying not to be outing) and from today she is ready to be visited at the funeral home.
It never crossed my mind that I wouldn't go and see her but when it's come to it, I just don't think I can bear it.
I'm pregnant and due in just a few weeks and I have to put this baby first.
Two family members visited her today and one had to be helped up from the floor absolutely distraught.
She was my absolute world, my best friend as well as my mother.
Other family members don't think I should go to visit her but I fear if I don't I'll regret it for the rest of my life
Please tell me what I should do...

OP posts:
thegreylady · 17/05/2019 08:30

I couldn’t go to see my beloved mum at the funeral home. My dh and my 19 year old dd went and said she looked so peaceful. No regrets at all.
I do regret that I let that same dd ,aged 11, see her father. She was so determined and desperate that I felt I had to take her. It was a big mistake.

supermariossister · 17/05/2019 08:30

Sorry for your loss op its the hardest time, i was 22 when my mum died (2012) she was very young also, i didnt go to the chapel of rest i didnt feel that it would be helpful and i didnt want to remember her that way,its a very personal decision that noone can make for you. My brother and sister went and felt afterwards that they shouldnt have but my aunt/grandparents found it comforting. Please dont feel pressured by anyone either it is totally your decision to make.

HennyPennyHorror · 17/05/2019 08:32

Your Mum would definitely not want you upset. She would want you to be calm and if seeing her is not what you want then do that...she'd want what you want.x

chocolategivesmehives · 17/05/2019 08:32

So sorry about your Mum. Just imagine she can talk to you, you know she would tell you just to do what YOU want. You know she would tell you that she know’s how much you love her, and going to see her in the funeral home or not won’t change that.

I saw my beloved dad’s body in the hospital where he died, but tbh he wasn’t really there - the essence of what made him Dad had gone. DSis and DMum didn’t see him - they were both worried that they would only remember him dead, iyswim, and neither of them have ever regretted their decision. I remember him best as a younger version of himself, but do still remember seeing his body, with the overwhelming feeling he wasn’t there anymore.

Goon1234 · 17/05/2019 08:33

Such a hard decision but it’s only yours. When my sister passed away I had to identify her and it was horrible, so I did go and see her to unsee the morgue experience. She was dressed in pyjamas and looked like she was sleeping. It was a comfort. However when my mum died, it wasn’t so comforting. Her hair wasn’t right , silly I know .I wished I hadn’t gone and just remembered her lovely smile and twinkly eyes.

Carpetburns · 17/05/2019 08:33

So sorry for your loss OP. Do what is right for you. Sending strength for the weeks and months ahead. Thanks

kateandme · 17/05/2019 08:34

i think id find it so tough.and im so sorry this is a choice you have to make.
she loved you and you her.she knows that and so do you know matter waht you decide.
i guess id see it as but if i dont go its deffinite and i wont be able to change my mind to go an see her one last time once she is buried.so whilt i might be upset and think i cant now.that is normal.whereas if i calm down from this and suddenly i have no option....
what about getting ready to go and taking it step by step.so getting dressed.breakfast.teeth.getting in the car.dirving.then once your there and in the place deiciding you can back out at any time.

i always think it might be a comfort.to go and send her on her way.tell her how much i love her and be with her til the last moment so we're both not alone.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 17/05/2019 08:36

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

I went to see my grandmother in the funeral home and subsequently my mother. I really hated it both times, but went because I felt I had to. It wasn't 'them', IYSWIM. They were like waxwork mannequins. It was hideous.

I wouldn't go in your situation Thanks

kateandme · 17/05/2019 08:38

i think youve had every possible opinion on this for going and not.so dont be more confused! what does your gut tell you.imagine we are a day after your meant to go and you didnt how would that feel and vice versa if you did.
dont be pressured there is no right and wrong and no guilt either way.you still know how you love her and she you.

IceBearRocks · 17/05/2019 08:39

Mum died 5 years ago..... We brought her home for 2 days ....much nicer for her to rest at her own home than a funeral home imo.
I struggled mainly because of the coffin not my mum. She looked amazing and beautiful and like she was sleeping.
I hated the fact she was cold...bit I had the opportunity to clip some of her hair at the back and just done extra cold kisses !
I didn't think I could do it but I could!
My babies were only 2, 4 and 6.
We miss her so much but talk about her loads !!!
If you need to talk then please shout me....extra special love to you all!!!
Remember ...this is just the body they used on this Earth !!! It's a shell...

diddl · 17/05/2019 08:40

I didn't go to see my mum & I do wonder if it might have made the funeral easier?

Idk-when the car arrived with the coffin it hit really hard-maybe it still would have done?

At the service when I saw it again my knees buckled.

Might still have happened though.

Was also pregnant so was also tied up in knots knowing she'd never meet that baby.

underneaththeash · 17/05/2019 08:42

I didn’t visit my dad either. My mum did and regretted it.
Remember her how she used to be.

quizqueen · 17/05/2019 08:45

I was actually with my mum when she died as it was along illness. I later went to the funeral home and saw her in her coffin and felt it looked nothing like the mother I knew. I wish I had never gone. I want to remember her as she was when she was alive.

RiftGibbon · 17/05/2019 08:46

I'm sorry for your loss, broken at such a difficult time, and young age.
There's no right or wrong answer. You need to consider your health and that of your unborn child. Think about what your mum would say to you if it helps.
When my Dad died, I saw him at the hospital shortly after - but that wasn't him, iyswim; that was a shell. I dealt with all the arrangements, notifying everyone and so forth but I didn't go to the (very small) funeral. I'd already said my goodbyes and for me, this was a formality. He never liked fuss and bother and 'sticking to the rules', and I made sure that we celebrated his life in other ways.

BrokenWing · 17/05/2019 08:47

I never visited my dad 5 years ago and with the benefit of hindsight I am still happy I made the right decision for me.

Do what is right for you, don't go if it is only because of a sense of duty or a fear of letting someone down because you weren't brave enough after hearing someone else found it difficult. Some people find it comforting others less so.

My final memories of my dad is when he was alive and I am glad of that.

Sorry for your loss, losing a parent is so difficult. I've never felt grief like it, almost felt physical. Take care of yourself.

CJSmith2019 · 17/05/2019 08:47

There's no right or wrong answer OP. Only you can decide. It's very personal as to what feels right for you. It won't harm your baby so try to put that thought aside. Is the person who had to be helped up off the floor generally dramatic? Try to put that reaction out of your mind in making your own decisions.
I am truly sorry for your loss. Take care.

londonrach · 17/05/2019 08:53

Oh sweetie theres no right or wrong on this. Its up to you. Im very sorry for your loss. Not sure if it helps but when i lost my grandparents i was followed by little birds for about 3-6 months afterwards including one that came to the funeral inside. Just felt they were letting us know they watching over us which im sure your mum is. Look after yourself xxx

Mazzystarlett · 17/05/2019 08:55

Do what you feel is right for you. You will have a few days to think about it and you may change your mind a few times. I didn't go to see my best friend because I didn't want to remember her like that, but I did go to see my Step-Nan and my Father In-Law and was glad I did. I think I made the right decision for me each time. All the very best x

WhoopDeFuckingDo · 17/05/2019 09:22

Sending you a big gentle hug OP.

Do what you feel, not what anyone else thinks you should or shouldn’t. It’s not up to them, it doesn’t affect them, it’s not their business.

I’ve had a lot of loss, including everything from elderly peaceful to cancer to full blown traumatic young person death. Some I went to see, some I didn’t.

I didn’t go to see one of my parents because I just couldn’t face it.

Hobbesmanc · 17/05/2019 09:36

I was with my mum when she died- she had terminal cancer so we had been by here bedside for days. It was strange- its not immediately obvious the moment of death. Because I could say farewell before the undertakers came, I decided not to see her at the funeral parlour.

I did visit my grandmother though and it didn't seem like her in the coffin. It was peaceful and not at all stressful

chezbot · 17/05/2019 09:42

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. The one occaision I visited a loved one in the FH I regretted it:saw her face when I shut my eyes for months afterwards.
Dont give yourself a hard time if you feel you cant. I wish I' d stuck to a living memory of my Nana.

Sewrainbow · 17/05/2019 09:45

I was 26 when my dad died. I went but I only glanced at his face, I didn't want that picture in my head, I can't remember it now.

I have a picture of his hand in my head as I focussed on that instead. That is vivid enough nearly 20 years on, I'm glad it's not the last memory have of his face.

In not sure how I shall feel about other members of my family when the time comes, but I made the right decision for me then.

Maldives2006 · 17/05/2019 09:52

She’s young and pregnant your post is completely insensitive. Not everyone needs to and definitely should not be forced into seeing her mom at the funeral home.

Hoppinggreen · 17/05/2019 09:52

I’m sorry for your loss
My view on it is that your mum isn’t in the funeral home, your Mum is in your memories and in the things she taught you.
There’s no way of really knowing whether you will regret going or regret not going and you may always wonder either way but it needs to be entirely your decision with no pressure from anyone else.
It shouldn’t harm your baby you do go but it may raise your blood pressure and the stress may make you feel unwell.
My estranged father died when I was 8 months pg and the news made me feel very ill and throw up but both me and the baby were fine.

Hearthside · 17/05/2019 09:59

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers I went to see my DM in the funeral home , she died suddenly in her early 60's but i didn't go to see my DF .I think perhaps because he was very ill before he passed .It is a personal choice only you can make .It upset me seeing my DM so i just couldn't do it with my DF .You do what you feel you need to do .

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