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Original poster

Please help, funeral home visit

180 replies

brokenbeyondrepair · 17/05/2019 00:13

I'll just keep this short and sweet...
My darling darling mother passed away unexpectedly and suddenly last week at a relatively young age, I'm in my 20's (sorry trying not to be outing) and from today she is ready to be visited at the funeral home.
It never crossed my mind that I wouldn't go and see her but when it's come to it, I just don't think I can bear it.
I'm pregnant and due in just a few weeks and I have to put this baby first.
Two family members visited her today and one had to be helped up from the floor absolutely distraught.
She was my absolute world, my best friend as well as my mother.
Other family members don't think I should go to visit her but I fear if I don't I'll regret it for the rest of my life
Please tell me what I should do...

OP posts:
UnicornBrexit · 17/05/2019 06:55

There is no right or wrong answer to this. Culturally we don't lay out the dead at home anymore , we don't see death at close quarters like previous generations so we are 'afraid' of it.

FWIW I was in a similar situation to you and I saw my mums body and it upset me, I chose not to see my dad and it hasn't played on my mind.

Janleverton · 17/05/2019 06:58

I didn’t go and see my father. I wanted to remember him alive, not look at him after death. What he was had gone. I’m not religious at all but I subscribe to the idea that the body is just the thing that we live in. What makes us us doesn’t hang around within the body.

Probably a silly way of putting it. I had absolutely no need to see his body to grieve for him and didn’t want the concrete image of his dead body to be my last memory of him. And he wouldn’t have cared.

RuthW · 17/05/2019 06:59

Don't go. I saw my grandfather and after that said I would never go again. Don't make that visit your last memory. Sorry for your loss.

Clare45BST · 17/05/2019 07:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarolinePooter · 17/05/2019 07:09

I hated seeing my Dad. It just wasn't him. When my Mum died I just didn't want to go. Both had died unexpectedly before I was able to get there. I would have gladly sat with them in their final moments, but just seeing their bodies is different. Let others go to the funeral home if it comforts them, but it is an individual choice and there is no right or wrong. Sorry for your loss.

Muffin3 · 17/05/2019 07:10

Oh I’m so sorry your going through this when so heavily pregnant. Also in my 20’s and didn’t go to see my dad. Didn’t want my last memories of him to be laying there. You know what’s right for you, but I’m sure your mum wouldn’t want you to put yourself in a distressing situation. So sorry for your loss 💐

bellinisurge · 17/05/2019 07:10

I'm so sorry this has happened. I lost my Mum recently and my dad died 20 years ago.
You absolutely do not need to do this. I would be surprised if your Mum would want you to.
I want to be as gentle as I can when I say this but you will be able to tell the difference between the mum you know and love and what you would see.
The funeral itself will set you in the road to coming to terms with this.

anxietyoverdrive · 17/05/2019 07:10

I second going and asking for the lid closed and then see how you feel. That way you have been and talked to her and said goodbye but you won't have the lasting memory of seeing her body. I hope you make peace with whatever decision you make, there really is no right or wrong xx

babbi · 17/05/2019 07:11

Truly sorry for your loss .
It’s a very personal decision about going and I think can depend on your upbringing and what has been the norm in your family.

We are RC and would always go ( still generally have the loved one in the house for a couple of days prior to the funeral)
But that’s just what we do .

Take care of yourself whatever you decide , there’s no right or wrong .
Good luck with your baby .

Netty909 · 17/05/2019 07:14

I’m sorry for your loss. I had the same experience as Joystir, I saw my mother shortly after she died at hospital and then in the funeral home. I was shocked at how different my mother looked and didn’t stay very long. My dad and sister found it very comforting though. I don’t think of it, I just remember her when she was alive. It’s hard to know but do what you feel best, your mum would understand.

Parkermumma07 · 17/05/2019 07:21

I went and regretted it she didn't look the same. In fact she looked like a completely different person. It really affected me unfortunately :(

ajandjjmum · 17/05/2019 07:23

My Dad was not my Dad - he wasn't there. Not sorry I went, but got nothing from it either.

Went to see my Mum purely because DD wanted to. Again, I got nothing from it.

DB saw neither, and doesn't regret it for a minute. He was there when they could smile at him, and that's what he wants to remember.

So sorry for such a sad loss - do take care of yourself. Flowers

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 17/05/2019 07:59

OP, I had this with my mother at the beginning of the year. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, it was very upsetting, but I am glad I went. She had been ill for several months and towards the end had looked much older than her 77 years, but the good folks who prepare the bodies had made her look like my Mum again.

Wishiwasincornwall · 17/05/2019 07:59

So sorry for your loss. Flowers

I lost my father suddenly when I was 22. He was a fit and active man and seemed years younger than he was. It was completely out of the blue so I didn't visit him in the chapel of rest as I wanted to remember him as he was. I have mo regrets.

My Grandmother died of cancer and after seeing her struggle and deteriorate I had to see her at the chapel of rest to see her at peace. I again have no regrets as she looked better than she had in months and it was a huge comfort..

Do what you feel is best for you.

RattyTat · 17/05/2019 08:07

I'm sorry for your immense loss.

It's fine not to see her. It's different for everyone. It helps comfort some and makes it worse for others. I saw my much loved uncle and regretted it. I had nightmares for weeks as he looked so bad. I'd never go to see another relative again like that, and don't want it to be my last memory of them. Others find it helpful though. If you're unsure I'd lean on the side of not going.

cranstonmanor · 17/05/2019 08:10

I was also in my twenties when my lovely mum died. I chose to see her because I needed to be sure that it would be her in that coffin (I closed the coffin). My brother chose not to see her but to keep her in memory as she was. It's true that you don't forget what someone looks like dead, so if that is a memory that you can't deal with then you should take that into consideration. My need to care for her a last time was more important to me, my brother valued his memory of her more. Both options are equally fine. You need to choose what you need right now. Don't choose because of some possible regret in the future, you will be a different person in the future. You can only choose what you need now.

10+ years later when we talk about our memories of her it's mostly the fun ones growing up actually, not the short memories where she wasn't an active participant in.

Nanny0gg · 17/05/2019 08:13

So sorry OP.

I did not see either of my parents and I've never regretted it. I just didn't feel the need to. And I'm a lot older than you -late 60s- so it used to be more expected.

If you don't want to, don't.

HiJenny35 · 17/05/2019 08:16

You do exactly whatever you feel you need to. I was pregnant and saw grandparents and regret it deeply to this day. I found it massively traumatic, that's the face I remember now and it was empty. Years later it still troubles me and has caused me a real anxiety around death. I never want my children to see me like that. As for your mum she loved you and would want you and your baby to stay as happy and calm as you can, she certainly wouldn't want you to do anything you aren't happy with.

Gigglinghysterically · 17/05/2019 08:16

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

No-one can tell you what to do. You have to do what you feel at times like this. Some prefer to remember their loved ones as they were in life. No-one knows if they will regret going or regret not going. For some, it helps them with the stage of the grieving process where they cannot believe their loved one has actually gone.

Were you there with your mum when she passed away?

I was at my DF's side when he passed but couldn't bear to go and see him in the hospital chapel but did see him at the Funeral Directors'. I was very glad I went and remember holding his hand and thinking he would have liked the new suit, shirt and tie we'd bought him for his funeral. It was comforting, I had a chat to him as I still do now. He was still my dad.

My DH was upset however, when we went to see his DM at the same Funeral Directors'. He just said "That's not my mum" in a very childlike manner and I thought he was going to walk out. He doesn't regret going but didn't feel she looked the same. He's been since when his DF died and was fine.

I would never tell someone what to do as this is very personal. Whatever you decide, it will be the right decision for you.

LittleCandle · 17/05/2019 08:17

I didn't go to see DM after she died, on DB's advice. XH did the second identification in my stead. He said she looked peaceful. Sometimes I regret not going, but since I can't change that now, I try not to dwell on it. Why not go along to the funeral home and see how you feel when you get there? Nobody will judge you for whatever you decide. I did see DF a short time after he died and it was a relief to see him out of pain.

Flowers it is so hard to lose your mother.

MTBMummy · 17/05/2019 08:18

So sorry to read this OP, I lost my mom in my early 30's, with a young DD. So I can appreciate how torn up you are by this.

I did go and visit my mom afterwards, would I do it again, I don't know?

She looked like she was asleep, but due to the cancer that took her, she'd been wearing a wig, and they hadn't put it on her quite right, I like to think that straightening it and styling her hair like she would have wanted would have made her happy.

That said in doing so I touched her actual skin, and she was like a block of ice, that thought sticks with me 6 years later, and I'm not sure I'll ever forget the contrast to the warm woman who always had a hug for me no matter how much of a shit head I had been.

You do what feels right for you, no one will ever judge you for your choice.

CrotchetyQuaver · 17/05/2019 08:19

I think it's helpful to go. It helps draw a line under it and you will see that "they" have gone and it's just their body that remains. It's hard to explain. But I have found it helps me to see they really have gone. I'm so sorry for your loss.

QueenArseClangers · 17/05/2019 08:21

So sorry for what you’re going through.
I work in funeral care, you can ask the staff to close the coffin if you’d like to sit with her? You have to do what’s best for you my love.
Please feel free to PM me Flowers

HootsBootsShoots · 17/05/2019 08:25

I saw my mum when she had just passed, and it was fine. But a few days later when they have done the hair and the make up, and the skin had lost the glow, it would have been horrible and you can never erase that last picture.
Flowers

Youvegotafriendinme · 17/05/2019 08:30

I’m an so very sorry for you and that your even having to make this decision.
I lost my mother last year so unfortunately can relate. Me and my DDad were with her when she passed but left shorty afterwards. We went back the next day and we were told we could go into see her. I instantly knew I wanted to see her even though my previous opinion on this situation was that I wouldn’t. I’m glad I went as she looked so peaceful but I made the mistake of holding her hand and I wish I hadn’t. My DSIS then choose to go see her, about a week after she had died in the funeral home and they wish they hadn’t.

No one can tell you what’s the right or wrong thing to do, we can only tell you our experiences. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it’s the right thing for you. My thoughts are with you

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