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Original poster

Please help, funeral home visit

180 replies

brokenbeyondrepair · 17/05/2019 00:13

I'll just keep this short and sweet...
My darling darling mother passed away unexpectedly and suddenly last week at a relatively young age, I'm in my 20's (sorry trying not to be outing) and from today she is ready to be visited at the funeral home.
It never crossed my mind that I wouldn't go and see her but when it's come to it, I just don't think I can bear it.
I'm pregnant and due in just a few weeks and I have to put this baby first.
Two family members visited her today and one had to be helped up from the floor absolutely distraught.
She was my absolute world, my best friend as well as my mother.
Other family members don't think I should go to visit her but I fear if I don't I'll regret it for the rest of my life
Please tell me what I should do...

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2019 03:13

I'm so sorry op. I would go. I have seen many many loved ones at the funeral home. You will see your lovely mum at peace, and I promise you this will not be the memory you have of her in the years to come. But this can only be your decision.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 17/05/2019 03:17

I didn't go to see my mum and I wish I had. My memory of her is clouded with sadness because she was so ill before she died and I wish I had seen her at peace

Alicewond · 17/05/2019 03:17

You won’t see your mum at peace, you’ll see her deceased. She will look peaceful and maybe that will help you. If you want to talk pm me, I’m so sorry for your loss, losing a parent is like losing a bit of yourself

Hotpinkangel19 · 17/05/2019 03:24

OP I'm so sorry xx
In 2017 I was in the same situation, While i was pregnant both my parents passed away within 11 weeks of each other. I was 33. I was with my mum when she died- I just couldn't be there when my Dad died - I regret this now.
I didn't visit either of them in the funeral home and I don't regret it at all. I went with my mum once to support her when her best friend died when I was younger and when I try to remember her all I see is her in the coffin, looking strange. I don't want my memories of my mum and dad to be like that.
Just wanted to tell you that I was in bits during my whole pregnancy - I was constantly stressed, crying etc. But my consultants were right, it doesn't affect baby, and my baby girl is 16 months now and is fine.
Sending love xxx

Jenny70 · 17/05/2019 04:14

If I felt my last memory of my mother was one of sadness/trauma - being beside her in pain, or in the aftermath of an accident, I would definitely go and say my goodbyes in that quiet, reflective space.

If my last visit was coffee, dinner, nice catchup, I wouldn't - there is only a downside, no upside. It isn't going to make a nice memory, something to treasure and remember her by. There is the potential that it will be distressing, create a bad memory - even for something so small as her hair being parted wrongly, or lipstick shade that she would never wear.

Is your father alive? That is probably the last consideration, does he need/want you to see her before the funeral?

I didn't see my father after he died 5 months ago, I had said my goodbyes as he slipped away. But if the end had been more sudden, I probably would have.

Aprillygirl · 17/05/2019 04:47

No one should be telling you what to do here OP because there really is no wrong or right answer. Some people visit their deceased loved ones and wish they hadn't,whereas others find it helpful. I visited both my dad and my brother, and although very upsetting of course,I found a comfort in being able to kiss them,hold their hand and say my final goodbyes, whereas my sister preferred to remember them as they were and has absolutely no regrets with her decision. Whatever you decide don't do anything because you feel you ought to. you are going through so much right now so be kind to yourself first and foremost. as that is what your mum would want. So sorry for your loss OP Flowers

GruciusMalfoy · 17/05/2019 05:00

I'm so sorry OP, what a dreadful time.

My father passed away suddenly too, and I chose not to see him. It's not something I've ever regretted. My sister saw him and said although he looked fine, there was a change, but she doesn't regret going either.

For some people it's helpful to have that final time with your loved one, especially if it's been sudden. I knew it wasn't necessary for me, but we are all totally different in this regard.

MaximusHeadroom · 17/05/2019 05:01

Hey OP, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my DF 5 years ago very suddenly and I felt like life could never be happy again. I still miss him every day but the pain has changed and I have so much joy in my life so I promise it gets easier.

I was abroad when he died so I felt I should go because I didn't want him to think that I didn't come home for him. Stupid I know. I was really scared of going and finding the experience ruined my memories of him but I am so glad I did.

mum had him dressed in his favourite pjs (he wouldn't have approved of wasting a suit) and I got irrationally upset that his feet were bare and would be cold in the ground.

It was really hard touching him at first because he was so cold but after a while my hand warmed his and it felt like I had made that last connection with him.
I have tears running down my face writing this thinking of those last few moments I had with him. I don't regret it for a second.

BUT it is also totally OK not to go. I went because I was away when he died but none of my siblings did. Your mum would want you to do whatever works for you and putting yourself through something just because you feel you ought to is not necessary. My DH lost his father when he was 17 and they had an open casket and DH and his younger siblings all had to go up and kiss their dad's forehead. DH has never really got over that.

The difference is that he was forced whereas I chose to go.

You need to say goodbye to her in your own way Flowers

junebirthdaygirl · 17/05/2019 05:14

I'm so sorry about your dm. That is a terrible shock and heartbreak for you.
Coming from lreland l am very familiar with seeing people after they pass away but l strongly believe in not doing it while you are pregnant especially so far on. You already have experienced the shock of her death. Your mother instincts are clicking in to protect your baby and l would listen to that. Your dm would be most concerned here about your baby and l would make protecting your little one the deciding factor.
Take out some special photos of your dm and have your own quiet time saying goodbye to her. No matter what you do this is going to be a tough time for you so looking after yourself is so important.
That is just my advice as an older mom .

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 17/05/2019 05:19

I am so sorry for your loss. Like others have said, this a personal decision. I didn't want to see my father's body, but was talked into it. I regretted it for a long time and didn't find it comforting at all, but I know many others who have found it to be a posiitive and healing experience.

Wincarnis · 17/05/2019 05:24

When i went to the funeral home to say goodbye to my Mum, they gave me a choice of having the coffin open or closed. I had a private “goodbye” with the lid closed. Sounds silly but it worked for me. That might be a solution for you too OP. Condolences on your loss xx

butterboo · 17/05/2019 05:30

I went to see my dear father at the funeral home. I'm glad I did, he looked so peaceful. I didn't think I'd want to go but I had close family with me and it was my goodbye to him. Sorry for your loss OP do what feels right and don't regret your decision either way x

Shutuptodd · 17/05/2019 05:35

So sorry for your loss. Flowers

Do what feels right for you. I didn't go for either my dad or my grandad and never regretted it. As others have said it's completely personal and there is no wrong or right answer.

TreesoftheField · 17/05/2019 05:49

Big hugs for you.
My dad died before I could get to hospital to see him and I hadn't seen him for a couple of months. I did go and visit him afterwards because I felt quite disconnected from it and thought it would make it more real. I went with my mum and another sibling.
He did look a bit different but mostly just like he was sleeping. It helped to hold his hand and kiss him goodbye. Obviously my mum appreciated my company. The staff were amazing and prepared us.
One of my siblings didn't go but she had visited him a lot during his illness and was with him at the end, so I don't think she could handle anymore. It is an extremely personal choice as others have said.
Another thing that really helped me was writing dad a letter which was then put in the coffin. I lived far away and nobody expected him to die, but I still feel bad I couldn't get to visit him before the end so for me that visit was making amends.
Sending you strength for the times ahead

UCOinanOCG · 17/05/2019 06:06

It is absolutely up to you. It may help you to see her at peace or it may not.

My eldest DD died at age 5 and we took her 3 yo sister in to the chapel of rest. She chose to go see her sister, we didn't force it upon her.

She looked into the casket, laid her sisters favourite teddy beside her then said 'it looks like X but it's not X' which was eerily perceptive for a 3yo.

I am so sorry for your loss. Do what you think is right for you.

namechangedyetagain · 17/05/2019 06:18

Can you go to visit and sit with her, but have a closed coffin? This is what I did with my brother. He knew I wouldn't be able to manage it (we both went to see gran when we were late teens and it did more damage than not iyswim).
So I went and sat with him, talked with him, wove some of my hair into his wicker coffin so he'd always have me with him.

It's such a hard time. You need to do what's right for you (and your baby). No one can tell you, trust your instinct. And just take one step at a time Flowers

floribunda18 · 17/05/2019 06:21

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a very individual thing, but I did go to the funeral home and found it very comforting and peaceful.

MintyT · 17/05/2019 06:28

My SDs went and saw their mum, and took massive comfort from seeing her, their brother didn't go as he wanted to remember as he last saw her, and he hasn't regretted it. It really is up to you, seeing your mum in the funeral home will not hurt your baby xx

EngagedAgain · 17/05/2019 06:33

If you really don't feel you can face it then don't go, and if you don't, don't regret it for the rest of your life. As other pp's have said there is no right or wrong way. Personally I didn't see my parents at the funeral home, I knew from the off I didn't want to, as I saw them both at home. My mum went to see dad, and I know at least one close family member went to see mum. So in a kind of way, if at least someone goes that to me is comforting. Your mum will always be in your heart and mind regardless, and lives on in you and your children and family.

ittooshallpass · 17/05/2019 06:35

I went to see my dad daily when he was in the funeral home. I found it really comforting. Other family members didn't go as they were worried that how he looked laid out would be the way they remembered him.

Ironically, even though I saw him so much I actually can't remember what he looked like. I just remember chatting to him. I didn't want him lying there alone.

It's entirely up to you what you do, but don't be put off by other people's reaction to the situation.

I'm so sorry for your loss. The death of a parent is very hard.

Juanbablo · 17/05/2019 06:37

I'm so sorry for your loss. I didn't see my mum after she died, I was 15 and I wasn't given the option. So when my dad died when I was 29 I wanted to see him in the funeral home. I wish I hadn't. Lots of people do feel better after seeing their loved ones in the funeral home but I didn't.

joystir59 · 17/05/2019 06:40

I wouldn't recommend it unless you need to see her dead body in order to believe that she has died. Otherwise, don't go. After someone had died they look dead, often shockingly so as they have been dead for some time when you go to view them.

joystir59 · 17/05/2019 06:48

I saw my mum's body half an hour after she died. She looked beautiful. Very white and cold but still like herself. I went to see her at the funeral home five days later with relatives and was horrified. I wish I hadn't seen her. All I could think was thank goodness what was in the coffin was going to be cremated the next day. The remains lying in a wooden casket had nothing to do with my mother.

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 17/05/2019 06:51

Didn't go. No regrets.

floribunda18 · 17/05/2019 06:54

But seeing it as "not them" can also be comforting.

I saw my dad just after he had died, and he looked asleep with his mouth open, but not particularly comfortable. When I saw him at the funeral directors he looked at peace. I don't know what I believe about the spirit "moving on" etc, but it felt like he had left his body, and that it was ok to bury or cremate the remains, which I found comforting.

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