Please help, funeral home visit

[brokenbeyondrepair]

I'll just keep this short and sweet...
My darling darling mother passed away unexpectedly and suddenly last week at a relatively young age, I'm in my 20's (sorry trying not to be outing) and from today she is ready to be visited at the funeral home.
It never crossed my mind that I wouldn't go and see her but when it's come to it, I just don't think I can bear it.
I'm pregnant and due in just a few weeks and I have to put this baby first.
Two family members visited her today and one had to be helped up from the floor absolutely distraught.
She was my absolute world, my best friend as well as my mother.
Other family members don't think I should go to visit her but I fear if I don't I'll regret it for the rest of my life
Please tell me what I should do...

I also meant to add that seeing her isn't the image of her I remember, she pops into my head as the lively mum of a few years ago.

I sat with my Mum as she died, and waited with her til the funeral director came to fetch her, but I did not go and see her after that. But it is your choice.

Oh you poor thing!

Have you seen her at all since she died?

My DM passed away just over 2 years ago. We knew she was slipping away so I was desperately trying to get there before she did but was just too late so I saw her about half an hour after she died. I was very glad I saw her then as she looked not too different to if she had just fallen asleep. I mean you could tell she wasn't just sleeping but it was similar.

The day before the funeral I also went to see her at the funeral home and it was totally different. I don't mean that it was in any way traumatic or that it didn't look like her. But really this was just a shell it wasn't Mum.

It is up to you obviously but I would say you don't miss anything terribly by not seeing her like that.

I recall thinking my mum looked slightly different as her mouth was sealed which made her lips look thinner, and my dad actually looked better than he had in his last few weeks. Mil also looked well laid out whereas she hadn't looked so good in her last few weeks. We had mum laid out at home for 2 days, so I saw plenty of her. I would have hated not to see them. But then again I have seen so many deceased bodies since childhood, it's not a big thing at all for me.

However, it's a very personal choice. Don't feel forced either way.

For me I saw my mum in the nursing home after she died (relatively young too) and that was hard enough but it hadn't been that long. Going to see her in the funeral home was different though, she had been embalmed and her face was sunken. Seeing her lying in a coffin was hard to bare so I'd say no don't do it.

I have conflicting memories.
When my Dad died after a long illness I went with Mum to the funeral home. The thing that stays with me was the smell. They had little air fresheners dotted around everywhere and it was just a horrible, sickly sweet scent that clung to everything. I only went once. Mum went a couple of times but once was enough for me.

Mum died like yours, very suddenly. I was taken to the hospital by a lovely Policeman and when I got there it was too late. She was taken to the hospital morgue and I saw her there. It was complete contrast to the funeral home, better in a way. Yes, more clinical, but that offensive smell wasn't there and she was still Mum. When she was taken to the funeral home I didn't go and see her as I knew the experience would be more like my previous one.

Had I not been able to see her in the morgue, I don't think I'd have gone to the funeral home.
Either way, whatever decision you make is the right one for you. It's early days, don't put too much pressure on yourself and I'm so sorry for your loss

I am so sorry op.
I was with my Mum when she died. I stayed with her for a few hours, came home briefly and went back again after she had been dressed in her burial clothes. She had changed over those hours, there are shifts after death. I arrived at the hospital a few hours after my Dad had died and he looked different from his living self.
I didn’t see either of them in the funeral home. My dad’s brain had been donated to research so that would have been too disturbing to see, and as I was with Mum and held her as she died, I felt that was enough.
I was with my best friend when she went to see her mum, who had also died suddenly when my friend was at university. She found it incredibly traumatic, and I found it pretty difficult. With hindsight it would have been better not to have gone.
I do think sometimes it can help with processing the death, it makes it more real, which is a massive shock at the time, but perhaps better as time goes on. I would go with your inner feelings. You may feel you want to see that she has left. (With my parents there was this sense that they had gone, that the body left was like an old coat , not needed any longer ). Or you may feel that seeing her body would be too much of an additional shock for you. There is no right or wrong thing to do. My daughters were 8 and 11, and neither wanted to see my Mum.
I should say, whether you go or not, you can ask for things to be put in the coffin with your Mum. Flowers, or something personal, a letter even. Anything you want to leave with her. My Mum was buried holding flowers that she loved from my garden. My friend left some small, meaningful things in with her Mum. You can just give things to the undertaker, someone else could drop them off, if you want to do this you don’t have to go to the funeral home yourself.

I am so sorry that you have lost your Mum so young. Take care of yourself and follow your heart.

It's a difficult decision and only you can decide.

I watched my Dad die with his mouth open and desperately wanted to see him looking more normal if that makes sense.

I went to see him and his mouth looked so strange it didn't look like my Dad. I then viewed him with my husband who did not want to do it alone. I asked my husband to shield Dad's mouth with his hand (not actually touching him) and there was my Dad. I don't regret seeing him but it was so much harder than I though it would be.

If you feel very strongly that you don't want to go and see your Mum, don't do it. There are no rules and no-one should judge your decision.

I am so sorry for your loss

Had to visit DGF as someone had to accompany my ailing DGM. I was distraught and had to be helped out of the unit and back to the car. After that experience i’ve Never regretted my decision not to see my DF. So sorry for you.

Sorry for your loss OP. Neither decision is right or wrong it’s just whatever feels right for you and of course your little one on the way - have you any real life support? Could someone go with you or wait outside if you rather?

Here in the north of Ireland we do things different and the persons body is brought to their own home and laid out for a few days for everyone to come ( think Derry Girls) all neighbours,friends,colleagues etc come and provide support to the grieving family - which I find makes it so much easier.

Obviously the way it is done can’t be changed but doesn’t mean that yourself family/friends can’t meet up at the funeral home and talk about all the happy memories while there

I'm so sorry about your loss of your lovely mum

Agree with so many PPs that this absolutely has to be your choice, but I'd add that what happens now is of less importance than what you and your mum were to each other while she was here ... and that will never change

The body she left behind might seem to be her, but in reality your mum's still with you in the life lessons you learned from her - in the things you'll share about her with your own little one - and in the countless thoughts of her you'll one day smile over

And that's immortality ...

I went to see my brother in the funeral home and really wished I hadn't gone.

He looked yellow and waxy - so different from the real him.

That image has stuck in my head.

I visited my grandfather’s body at the chapel of rest after he passed away. I had been visiting him at the hospital for the two weeks he spent there, watching him decline sharply. It was strangely calming and reassuring to see him finally at rest. I guess each person is different, but I’m glad that my final memory of him is peaceful rather than seriously unwell in a hospital bed.

I hope you come to the right decision for you, and all the best with your new baby 👶🏻

I’m so, so sorry OP. You must be going through hell. Thinking of you.

For what it’s worth I didn’t go and see my grandfather, who I loved dearly and was very close to, when he died when I was 28. I’ve never regretted it.

Good luck with whatever you decide and with your new arrival.

OP, I'm very sorry that this has happened to you at such a vulnerable time
Did you see your DM after she died? If so, then you probably have a memory of her to carry with you.
My DM also died very suddenly and unexpectedly - but I was able to get there quickly and sit with her for about an hour afterwards. I stroked her hand, thanking her for everything that she'd done for me and telling her that I would always love her... I've found that very helpful over the years, as I felt as though I'd been able to say goodbye with love.
It's entirely your decision - but be gentle with yourself, as I'm sure that your Mum wouldn't want you to do anything that will affect your pregnancy. Take someone with you who will support you - and who won't try to make you leave before you're ready to, as it's important to you that you tell your DM what you need to say.
Lots of us here will be thinking of you - look after yourself

When my father died suddenly, I decided I didn't want to see him, but remember him as he was, alive, vibrant, laughing. I have never regretted it.
My youngest son died at 26, I felt I had to see him, it was the last thing I could do as his mother. He had never looked so serious before. I could only then, believe he was dead. I was glad I had said goodbye properly.
My mother was 95 when she died, all her children sat with her in the last days, but I had left an hour before she died.
In each case it was different, and I have not felt regret about any . I think you should just go with how you feel. Your mother knew you loved her, I am sure.

I went to see my dad and it was the worst day of my life. More so than the day he died and his funeral.
I would try to remember her as she was.

I've never visited a loved one at the funeral home and that is without question the right decision for me. I've never regretted it. I either said my goodbyes in person or with my heart and my head after they died.

It's really hard to advise, we can only share our thoughts, but my viewpoint is that if it's the right thing for someone to go and visit, they know and don't have to question it. If you are questioning it, it may not be right for you.

No one else can decide and no one should ever judge.

I'm very recently bereaved too, so know just what you're going through. Take care and look after yourself and your baby

If you had already seen her after she died, eg at home or hospital then you don't need to go again unless you want to. Have you seen anyone after they died? Do you know what it will be like. Some people don't cope with idea of death, and become extraordinarily upset now or at the funeral. You may be quite calm and find it a comfort.
Everyone is different, unless the body is in a bad state (injured or altered) I would go to see someone very close.
I think it helps you realise that they are really gone. Of course you know it, but somehow your mind doesn't take it in. A last goodbye is a chance to adjust, make peace with it, if you want. You can go alone, the staff are usually kind and thoughtful or with someone you trust.
If you don't want to go, light a candle or have some flowers at home. It's your grief op, do what you think is best for you

So sorry for your loss. Just wanted to say that I didn't visit my grandmother and my adult cousin. I was under 18 then and I was present at the funeral but I didn't see them. I feel that I said proper goodbyes and don't regret not going. Don't put any blame on yourself for whatever decision you make!

Sorry for your loss OP, look after yourself and do whatever you feel is best.

When my fil passed away a couple of years ago, dp and I went to the funeral home and saw him but sil asked for the coffin to be closed whilst she sat with him, all wishes were respected.

It's a tough one for you and at such a vulnerable yet exciting time. How bittersweet.
Love and hugs to you op

The only time I visited a relative after they had died it was of no comfort to me at all. The person has gone and left behind a shell. I will never do it again. Sorry.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss OP...My dad died and I didn't go and see him..i have never regretted that decision 15 years on.I like to remember him exactly how he was the last time I saw him.He will remain in my mind and does as clear as day as the happy lovely man he was.I miss him dreadfully.

I visited my husband. I was going to because I was with him when he passed however my children (age 6 and 9 wanted to see their daddy). We went and it was perfectly fine. He looked beautiful and I’m
Glad we went because I don’t think I could have lived with knowing no one had visited him whilst he was waiting to be at peace. The children were so brave and it comforted them seeing him.