To say very few women would be interested in this man as a long-term option.

[brokenpromisesorlies]

I walked away from the man I loved because I just couldn’t cope with the following list! Before I tell you the list he is very attractive, financially stable and incredibly intelligent! Can I ask if you, as a woman could forge a life with this man;

Complex sexual practices to include delivering pain, bisexuality and exhibitionism.

Workaholic

Unable to empathise/ display compassion. I would go as far as to suggest he might be a sociopath.

He didn’t buy me as much as a birthday card/ cup of coffee in a year of dating.

Periods of severe depression and suicidal ideation.

Constantly compared my looks/figure to other women and talked about ‘beautiful young men’! I have been left feeling very unattractive and low, despite him frequently telling me how beautiful I am.

Sometimes unnecessarily unkind and would create issues to be able to verbally chastise me/ ignore me.

He would gave actual, childlike tantrums!

All decisions re; telephone calls, catch-ups had to be decided by him, he never agreed to see me/ speak to me if I made the suggestion!

He has no social network. He doesn’t make an effort to stay in touch with family and friends, never married, no DC etc at almost 50!

Most of his relationships ended before 12 months!

He constantly told me he wanted me, wanted to settle down but his actions, attitude and behaviours meant that there was absolutely no way that I could stay without becoming completely broken!

I miss him! Tell me I’ve done the right thing and nobody would have been able to make that work!

I wouldn't get past the first bullet point myself, but appreciate that may be your thing (not judging, takes all sorts). The rest - sounds bad but of course we are only getting your side. You really don't need permission or approval to split up with anyone. It doesn't matter what we think of him, we've never met him, you have to learn to listen to and value your own opinion, that is all that matters here.

I feel so much better about my decision after reading these posts

You'd have to be mad or desperate to even get involved with such a man. surely, you wouldn't make it through date one, let alone go back for more.

He sounds like my ex. If you hadn’t mentioned his age, I’d actually think it was him tbh. This was my ex years ago when I was young and a bit foolish with lower self esteem than I have now but yes, he ticked all of those boxes.

I don’t know what I saw in him or why I put up with it for almost a year. He stalked me for months after I finally split from him as well, I had to phone the police in the end after his assaulted me in the street.

Didn’t buy me a thing, I always paid for everything and also ‘lent’ him money (never got it back, obviously). Meet ups were always on his terms and sometimes he’d just back out suddenly for no reason. He always mentioned his exes like they were absolute goddesses I could never compare to, always made me feel bad about myself, always chose what film we watched or what music we listened to etc. I mean, I could go on but I’m just thankful he’s in the past.

This guy doesn’t even sound like a short term option to me! No fun, just lots and lots of work and aggravation. He sounds awful and you are well rid of him

outvoid yes to making his ex partners sound like goddesses! That always made me feel less than too!

I had an ex who told me on a night away that I was the fattest woman he had ever had sex with. I was a size 12 and had bought a new dress for the night.
He also shuttered on about how thin/attractive etc his ex's were.

I had an ex who told me he'd never been with someone with excess body hair before. He was talking about a few longer hairs on my lower stomach.

Is he very rich?

Is he very rich?

Rather pointless if he isn't generous

No, not very rich.. just financially stable, but no more so than I am!
So nothing special

you saved yourself from becoming mentally ill.

bluebell34567 I was broken when I ended it and considered antidepressants for the first time in my life! But I’ve made it almost 3 months, counselling is starting soon but I am absolutely now understand why women stay in these kind of relationships! I couldn’t understand before!

he is single at this age for a reason/reasons. women ran for the hills i am guessing.
time will heal, you will feel lots better and free.

Thank you bluebell34567 and I’m sure you’re right! I genuinely thought I’d met the love of my life and really struggling with the cognitive dissonance between the fantasy and the reality

it is still new thats why and it is normal to feel like that now. i think you need to keep yourself busy.

in the future you will see it more clear.

you did very well for 3 months, you are very strong.

OP I totally hear you. hang in there - it will get better! I had a long term man very like this in many ways, totally manipulative, incredibly attractive and engaging but deeply disturbed. I found him totally addicted and wasted many years on him. He too never bought me a single gift or card, deliberately made me feel insecure, and told me more than once that a model ex girlfriend always made him feel so proud on his arm (the unspoken part of that being that I did not make him feel that way). He was both totally toxic and totally intoxicating.

I am now married to the most wonderful man ever. Meeting him made me realise how wrong the previous relationship was (many in between). I actually thought he was weird at first because he was so handsome, well employed, great in bed but also a lovely kind gentle soul who didn’t play the games that I was so used to. I pushed him away a million times before I realised he was for real.

However, that. doesn’t stop me occasionally thinking about that devastating, damaging but heady time, the great sex, the bizarre excitement when he shone his attention on me. I bask for a moment, possibly like a heroin addict does when they remember that hit. What I then remember is the lows, the constant insecurity, the emotional pain so bad it felt physical at times, the waiting, the wondering - will he turn up, what mood will he be in, etc. And then the moment is gone. But that is 15 years later, and the addiction feelings are not yet completely gone. It’s very, very odd. I am still in recovery I guess.

Some people just get under your skin for all the wrong reasons. I look back and think I;met my guy when I was low and vulnerable and lonely, in a new city, with little support. Is that the same for you perhaps? Do you value yourself enough? You should. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.

Be strong. Work on you, try to make yourself happy. Distract yourself when yo feels like you need a ‘hit’. It will not make you feel better. I went back so many times and just felt increasingly desperately sad, and worse still, ashamed of myself for allowing it to happen again. You will find someone else who treasures you for you, who makes you feel special, who doesn’t leave you wondering, who is utterly reliable. And that’s better than any opiate hit.

Sorry, my post is confusing between which description is about fuckwit and which is my lovely husband! Sorry about that, very tired! Hope it makes sense, as I really feel your pain and want you to know it can and will get easier.

great post shitholiday2018.

Thanks bluebell, I haven’t actually written that down before, or even told anyone that aloud come to think of it, so i feel a little lighter after that! I’m slowly catching up on the thread and realising there are so many of these damaged men around. OP, I note you saying you’re a competent professional and can’t believe how you’re behaving. I felt exactly the same - how can I be this together, effective human in every other way and such a pathetic mess with him? From the outside in, as I now view it, it’s clear. The issue was him, not me. My issue was not believing, for so long, that I deserved more.

Good god
You're well clear

You don't miss him , you're trauma bonded to him . Google it .

You had me at "delivering pain,"
You are well rid