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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say very few women would be interested in this man as a long-term option.

182 replies

brokenpromisesorlies · 14/05/2019 20:41

I walked away from the man I loved because I just couldn’t cope with the following list! Before I tell you the list he is very attractive, financially stable and incredibly intelligent! Can I ask if you, as a woman could forge a life with this man;

Complex sexual practices to include delivering pain, bisexuality and exhibitionism.

Workaholic

Unable to empathise/ display compassion. I would go as far as to suggest he might be a sociopath.

He didn’t buy me as much as a birthday card/ cup of coffee in a year of dating.

Periods of severe depression and suicidal ideation.

Constantly compared my looks/figure to other women and talked about ‘beautiful young men’! I have been left feeling very unattractive and low, despite him frequently telling me how beautiful I am.

Sometimes unnecessarily unkind and would create issues to be able to verbally chastise me/ ignore me.

He would gave actual, childlike tantrums!

All decisions re; telephone calls, catch-ups had to be decided by him, he never agreed to see me/ speak to me if I made the suggestion!

He has no social network. He doesn’t make an effort to stay in touch with family and friends, never married, no DC etc at almost 50!

Most of his relationships ended before 12 months!

He constantly told me he wanted me, wanted to settle down but his actions, attitude and behaviours meant that there was absolutely no way that I could stay without becoming completely broken!

I miss him! Tell me I’ve done the right thing and nobody would have been able to make that work! Sad

OP posts:
Mishappening · 14/05/2019 20:52

He sounds a catch!

You have walked away - now stay away. Self respect is all when it comes to relationships. Go and find a nice man!

BlueJava · 14/05/2019 20:53

Jesus christ - no way would I want that, he sounds absolutely awful! Even the first line of "delivering pain, bisexuality and exhibitionism" was an absolute NO! Please stay away, there are lovely guys out there, they are not all like that (he sounds in a class of his own in terms of horror).

brokenpromisesorlies · 14/05/2019 20:53

I didn’t know any of the above when I fell in love with him! He was kind, funny, gorgeous, clever, interesting, protective! There was a power imbalance and I think, I looked up to him!

Overtime.. I saw less of those lovely things, but still sometimes saw them and slowly got used to the not so great stuff above! Once I was hooked, he would withdraw, then come back stronger than ever! I was hooked and addicted to him! I worry that those feelings will never go away!

OP posts:
Langrish · 14/05/2019 20:54

The only possible attraction is you thought you could change him. Trust me, you can’t.

AhhhHereItGoes · 14/05/2019 20:54

Yeah I can't see any positives here.

Herland · 14/05/2019 20:55

I just couldn't be arsed. I was in a relationship similar (but not as bad) in my twenties. Commenting on the looks of other women, arrangements very one sided, bouts of self-pity and extremely mean. It was a wrench to leave him but after a while it was such a relief to not have to spend so much time and energy thinking about the relationship. Looking back now I feel sad for myself that my self-esteem was so low and wonder what the fuck I was thinking.

You deserve more... You deserve to be adored. Don't think about the relationship you have lost, think about the wonderful relationship you will miss out on if you stay with him.

Gintonic · 14/05/2019 20:55

You lost me at inflicting pain, no thanks.

AnyFucker · 14/05/2019 20:56

You are trauma bonded to this abusive man

Get some profrssional help

ohnoessexgirl · 14/05/2019 20:57

Blimey you've dodged a bullet. We'll rid!

Inliverpool1 · 14/05/2019 20:57

He’s a fucking loon, stay away

Chocmallows · 14/05/2019 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thetruthwillout80 · 14/05/2019 20:57

He manipulated you; all the while simultaneously making you feel like you weren't good enough but also toying with the idea (him) that you were the best he'd ever met Hmm

It's the mind games, false hopes, bread-crumbing, teasing, faking, and stinginess that you need to get over.

He could never make you happy and you'd be forever chasing a pipe dream. Maybe get some therapy and deprogramme from all of his negativity.

I don't mean to sound flippant. I've been there Flowers

brokenpromisesorlies · 14/05/2019 20:57

Thanks ladies for responding! I NC’d for this thread as I’m so embarrassed! I can’t believe how much I miss him and still want him! I’m a professional, with a great support network, DC, social life.. I should be able to pull myself together Blush

OP posts:
Eustasiavye · 14/05/2019 20:58

It's a no from me.
The delivering pain and wanting sex with men- not for me.

Tucobenedicto · 14/05/2019 20:58

Don't contact him....he has forgotten about you already

AnyFucker · 14/05/2019 20:59

Do you think he might have Asperger's ?

Give me fucking strength

Mummadeeze · 14/05/2019 20:59

I recognise many of these qualities in my partner. Sexual stuff attracted me and wasn’t too much of an issue (although the bisexuality made me a bit insecure sometimes). Never buying me presents or cards for my birthday (unless I forced him too after a big row) has worn me down and made me resentful as I have been very generous to him. Childlike tantrums and long periods of sulking have become unbearable and this is one of my most hated things about him after 15 years. Being unnecessarily mean also messes with your self esteem. I kind of pressured my partner into settling down and had a child with him. He loves our daughter but has always been a bit resentful towards me for curtailing his freedom and making him take responsibility. Not committing to plans unless he makes them drives me mad and has driven us apart as most of the time I just make plans without him. Main difference is my partner is not a workaholic. Anyway, enough comparisons. I would say I was attracted to my partner due to a mixture of my own low self worth, the challenge of working him out and his physical attractiveness but if I could rewind the clock I would run a mile. Trying to get someone like this to commit to you is a massive challenge but honestly, when you get there, the rewards are completely minimal. He thinks he is doing me a favour anytime he spends time at home or anytime he is a little bit nice to me. He is arrogant and insecure at the same time. And it has been 15 years of 90% hard work, 10% happiness. The attraction will wear off and you are left with someone who is just not very nice in your life who takes emotionally from you and doesn’t give back. I would try to stay strong and hold out for someone kinder if I were you.

AdoraBell · 14/05/2019 21:00

Only got halfway through the list before deciding it would be a resounding No from me.

FermatsTheorem · 14/05/2019 21:00

He lost my vote with your very first phrase about "sexual practices including delivering pain". Urgh. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Or rather, don't fuck that, not even with someone else's, run a fucking mile in the opposite direction.

Then I read the rest of your post - my god he is absolutely ghastly.

I take it this is a pep-you-up OP, because you're having second thoughts of the "but I leurve him and he's so intelligent and yooonique." Let me reassure you. Do not have second thoughts. Keep running towards them thar hills.

Fiveredbricks · 14/05/2019 21:00

OP, he wont be missing you. Just know that, and move on. Accept the anger at that, let it ride over you then come up to the surface.

He was not worth loving as he wasn't capable of doing the same in return.

brokenpromisesorlies · 14/05/2019 21:01

He is arrogant and insecure at the same time

Yes yes yes!! Same with him!

OP posts:
rubydiamondsapphire · 14/05/2019 21:01

and you were arsed with him because? sounds like a bellend

nocoolnamesleft · 14/05/2019 21:01

Returning to this man would be an act of deliberate self harm, and a very damaging one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2019 21:02

He made himself irresistible to get you where he wanted you then withdrew. The person he pretended to be doesn’t really exist. You are his prey. Well done for escaping.

HappyHammy · 14/05/2019 21:03

What is there to miss? The pain will go and you'll look back and think wtf was I doing with that twat.Flowers