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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say very few women would be interested in this man as a long-term option.

182 replies

brokenpromisesorlies · 14/05/2019 20:41

I walked away from the man I loved because I just couldn’t cope with the following list! Before I tell you the list he is very attractive, financially stable and incredibly intelligent! Can I ask if you, as a woman could forge a life with this man;

Complex sexual practices to include delivering pain, bisexuality and exhibitionism.

Workaholic

Unable to empathise/ display compassion. I would go as far as to suggest he might be a sociopath.

He didn’t buy me as much as a birthday card/ cup of coffee in a year of dating.

Periods of severe depression and suicidal ideation.

Constantly compared my looks/figure to other women and talked about ‘beautiful young men’! I have been left feeling very unattractive and low, despite him frequently telling me how beautiful I am.

Sometimes unnecessarily unkind and would create issues to be able to verbally chastise me/ ignore me.

He would gave actual, childlike tantrums!

All decisions re; telephone calls, catch-ups had to be decided by him, he never agreed to see me/ speak to me if I made the suggestion!

He has no social network. He doesn’t make an effort to stay in touch with family and friends, never married, no DC etc at almost 50!

Most of his relationships ended before 12 months!

He constantly told me he wanted me, wanted to settle down but his actions, attitude and behaviours meant that there was absolutely no way that I could stay without becoming completely broken!

I miss him! Tell me I’ve done the right thing and nobody would have been able to make that work! Sad

OP posts:
puppy23 · 14/05/2019 21:20

What a dickhead! Hope you find someone much better soon

AnneField · 14/05/2019 21:21

no DC etc at almost 50

Can't see why that's an issue.

'Complex sexual practices'

Well, that's horses for courses. Not my particular bag but someone else might be comfortable with that.

The rest sounds absolutely horrendous. Why the hell do you miss him? It's not because he is very attractive, financially stable is it?

ohfuckoffalready · 14/05/2019 21:22

"Abusive dick" does not equal Aspergers. I'm so, so sick of reading it on here.

TemporaryPermanent · 14/05/2019 21:22

When you saud ge hates everyone i got a massive flashbsck to being married to xh.

Couldn't give a crap about birthday cards but a man who can't co exist with anyone else in the world will half kill you.

Xiaoxiong · 14/05/2019 21:23

calling me from withheld numbers and leaving silent answerphone messages

So you can add controlling and scary obsessive stalker to that list of charming attributes.

Please OP. There are so many wonderful people out there in the world. You are worth more than this.

Mummadeeze · 14/05/2019 21:23

I understand. I was completely obsessed with my partner in the beginning. It was like an insanity. You are doing well to stay away. But there are complicated desires going on here that are more to do with your state of mind than real love. I felt I needed a challenge as men who were nice to me repulsed me, and being with someone who I could never really have has been a solution of sorts. But it is messed up and has caused me years of pain and just fed in to my low self esteem more and more. Go to the counselling and don’t give in.

brokenpromisesorlies · 14/05/2019 21:24

Reading your responses has been very very therapeutic! Thank you! Flowers

OP posts:
category12 · 14/05/2019 21:25

As per pp, change your phone number (and email, block him everywhere). You know he's bad for you, time to stop tempting yourself and playing his game.

Yesicancancan · 14/05/2019 21:26

In the interests of plagiarism I once read this on mn... “get your trainers on and start running” 🏃‍♀️ now

hellymart · 14/05/2019 21:27

You are feeling lonely, I guess, which is why you are thinking about contacting him again but, as everyone else has advised you, DON'T. You're only going to be miserable and hurt. You need to distract yourself BIG TIME. Get out there, make new friends, start new hobbies, go to the gym, do whatever you can (that's legal and won't also make you miserable!) to get him out of your head. When you're happy with someone normal and nice in the future, you will be glad you took this advice. He's lowered your self-esteem, the rotten little sh*t - that's why you think you want him back. You can do a million times better than him. Good luck . You've got this !

Mummadeeze · 14/05/2019 21:28

Sorry I posted a similar post twice. Thought I lost the first one!

deydododatdodontdeydo · 14/05/2019 21:28

AIBU To say very few women would be interested in this man as a long-term option

Not sure about a long term option, but in my experience a lot of women seem to go for guys like this for some reason.

HairycakeLinehan · 14/05/2019 21:28

YUCK! He sounds foul OP!

ASundayWellSpent · 14/05/2019 21:40

I wouldn't make a life with someone having any of those traits never mind all of them!!

notangelinajolie · 14/05/2019 21:44

Yikes, I was out at number 1. How on earth could you spend one minute with this man - never mind a year Shock He sounds absolutely vile. You poor thing, you must have been seriously under his spell, well done for breaking it Flowers

SirVixofVixHall · 14/05/2019 21:44

Blimey. It was a no from the “complex sexual practices” tbh..i really didn’t need to read on !
He sounds horrible op. WHY did you love him ? He really doesn’t sound at all lovable !
Find someone kind, funny and loving.

SignOnTheWindow · 14/05/2019 21:47

Well done for getting out of the relationship.

Staying out of it might be hard, but your future self will thank you and shudder at how close you came to a life of pure misery.

Stay strong, OP.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 14/05/2019 21:47

He's really not a catch!

You have done and are continuing to do exactly the right thing in not contacting him. Trust your own good sense here.

adayatthebeach · 14/05/2019 21:50

The feelings do go away. Just hang in there. All the best OP.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 14/05/2019 21:51

Do you think he could have Aspergers?

Some of his characterastics sound like an ex I have, whom had Aspergers.

No, I do not. And I have also had sexual partners with Aspergers, ftr.

Aspergers Syndrome is not a medical term for "bastard", just so you know.

Ohyesiam · 14/05/2019 21:52

Not having read the books, he sounds very much like I imagine the male in 50 shades of grey!

I was thinking American Psycho. I’m not trying to be smart arse, I genuinely thought that.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/05/2019 21:52

He will get snapped up fast
Unfortunately Grin

babbi · 14/05/2019 21:52

That’s really tough ... it’s hard to switch feelings off ....even when you know things are not right .
Don’t beat yourself up for still having a lingering interest or attraction as you are human . However stay away no matter what ... this man will destroy you and suck all joy out of your life ...
the hates everyone part really resonates with me ....
my ex hated everyone and got into trouble regularly for mouthing off at people 🙄

Be proud at everybday you are NC ...and trust me life will get better though it will take time .
Be kind to yourself

Fizzysours · 14/05/2019 21:52

Aspergers????????? He sounds like a narcissistic bully.

TrumpsFerret · 14/05/2019 21:54

Surely the only thing you miss is the danger . Someone is out there for you who will be exciting without danger.