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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say very few women would be interested in this man as a long-term option.

182 replies

brokenpromisesorlies · 14/05/2019 20:41

I walked away from the man I loved because I just couldn’t cope with the following list! Before I tell you the list he is very attractive, financially stable and incredibly intelligent! Can I ask if you, as a woman could forge a life with this man;

Complex sexual practices to include delivering pain, bisexuality and exhibitionism.

Workaholic

Unable to empathise/ display compassion. I would go as far as to suggest he might be a sociopath.

He didn’t buy me as much as a birthday card/ cup of coffee in a year of dating.

Periods of severe depression and suicidal ideation.

Constantly compared my looks/figure to other women and talked about ‘beautiful young men’! I have been left feeling very unattractive and low, despite him frequently telling me how beautiful I am.

Sometimes unnecessarily unkind and would create issues to be able to verbally chastise me/ ignore me.

He would gave actual, childlike tantrums!

All decisions re; telephone calls, catch-ups had to be decided by him, he never agreed to see me/ speak to me if I made the suggestion!

He has no social network. He doesn’t make an effort to stay in touch with family and friends, never married, no DC etc at almost 50!

Most of his relationships ended before 12 months!

He constantly told me he wanted me, wanted to settle down but his actions, attitude and behaviours meant that there was absolutely no way that I could stay without becoming completely broken!

I miss him! Tell me I’ve done the right thing and nobody would have been able to make that work! Sad

OP posts:
Herland · 14/05/2019 23:34

Agree re the biphobia in some of these posts.

Would I go out with a gay guy? Are there people in 2019 who don't know the difference between gay and bi.

OccidentalPurist · 15/05/2019 00:03

You've done the right thing and nobody would have been able to make that work. Believe me.

Whoops75 · 15/05/2019 00:12

You were an object to him
He doesn’t do love, feelings etc
He doesn’t have girlfriends he has victims

Run like the wind x

Fatasfooook · 15/05/2019 00:18

He sounds like a serial killer

birdsandroses · 15/05/2019 00:19

He is not a good human being and dangerous to your mental well being. Stay strong and do not contact. The addiction will break eventually!

squeakyreptile · 15/05/2019 00:23

I went out with a man who seemed exactly like what you have described. Could be the same person... However mines is younger, so no! He was to quote a family friend 'drop dead gorgeous', one of the most intelligent people I have ever met, and extremely charismatic. As well as the above, he was also cheating on me for two years of our four year relationship. The 'OW' didn't even know she was an OW.

Four years later, I am now engaged to the most amazing man who I know really loves me. My experience previously made me appreciate him even more.

Leave him before he wastes any more of your life. Men like that are ten a penny. You can so easily get better than what he offers.

mathanxiety · 15/05/2019 00:36

There is nothing special about this man. He is a common or garden abuser.

Please hold on until you can get therapy.

Suggestions to keep your mind off him:
Eurovision is on this week - get stuck into it.
Go to your local animal shelter and volunteer to walk dogs or play with cats.
Slap yourself very hard in the face every time you feel yourself contemplating something incredibly stupid.

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/05/2019 00:48

You really need to ask? Shock

cordeliavorkosigan · 15/05/2019 01:03

I would run, not walk, away, and stay away. This guy sounds like a total arse! what on earth would you want with getting back in touch - someone to trash your self esteem for you?
you are doing much better having no contact at all.
the guy you fell in love with does not exist - it was a fish hook, to reel you in. you have gotten free. don't bite again!

MethusalahsMum · 15/05/2019 01:06

Ugh, he sounds ghastly.
Step away from the nightmare.

As time goes on, your attachment to him will fade, but you cannot afford to have contact with him as he is toxic for you.

You have to keep him gone, done & dusted.
No meeting up for catch-ups or old times.
You’d be playing straight back into his game.

You’ve dodged a bullet by getting away from him.

powershowerforanhour · 15/05/2019 01:20

Jaysus did it only last as long as it did because he was a workaholic and not around much to inflict his arseholery on you?
I would've been out the door and running down the road at #1.
I know some people are into that but reading the rest of your list...I still would've been out the door and down the road many times over. And I don't think I have particularly high standards.

CharityConundrum · 15/05/2019 01:35

I wouldn't want to be stuck in a lift with him, let along a lifetime!

Strugglingtodomybest · 15/05/2019 02:01

It was a no from me as soon as I read that he likes to inflict pain.

The rest of the stuff is bad too imo, but all love would have been lost as soon as I saw him having a toddler tantrum. Ugh.

BitOfFun · 15/05/2019 03:06

I'd print out RageAgainstTheVendingMachine's post and stick it on my fridge.

Madonnaslonglostbeautyspot · 15/05/2019 03:33

This time next year, you will thank yourself. Keep away! I haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if this has been said, but what if it was your best friend in this situation - or your sister? What would you tell them?? What would you tell a complete stranger on a forum? 😂 Keep. Your. Distance. All the best xxxx

shiveringtimber · 15/05/2019 04:27

He sounds like a typical narcissist. Do not go back to him. Google "narcissist" and you'll understand why.Thanks

MaximusHeadroom · 15/05/2019 05:10

If you take away his sexual preferences which make it all sound like something more interesting, he is just a controlling wanker with no friends. I have a toddler who has toddler tantrums. Why the fuck would anyone want to bring that into their lives without the toddler?!

He has worked hard on trying to make you feel unworthy which makes him seem superior to you and that you need to earn his affection. Don't be fooled. He is a clown who needs to put you down to try and make himself feel less pathetic.

Trust me, you can do a lot better.

AquarianSquirrel · 15/05/2019 05:13

He sounds exactly like my ex and were it not for the age difference I'd be asking for names to confirm!! You know what to do x

Original poster
brokenpromisesorlies · 15/05/2019 07:26

I’ve woken up and read through all the new messages! Thank you all!

I am feeling much much stronger this morning! I didn’t reach out to him and I don’t want to this morning!

It’s a long old process moving away from him mentally, I didn’t do any emotional preparation before going no contact, I made a last minute decision based on the behaviour he was presenting on a particular day, sent a final message and walked away! On reflection, I should’ve done a bit of the emotional work before leaving, this bit would’ve been easier I think!

Thank you all! I cannot tell you how amazing it has been to read your responses!

OP posts:
formerbabe · 15/05/2019 07:35

I think I'd rather opt for life long celibacy than be with someone like that...shudder

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 15/05/2019 07:51

He sounds appalling, and you are well rid of him.

However, in answer to your actual question, there are many women who would want to be in a relationship with him. Sadly. Some would see his poor qualities but put up with them just to be in a relationship with an attractive, successful man. Others have such low esteem or are so damaged that he might persuade them he is a decent man, and they just need to work harder to please him.

Congratulations on bailing out and staying out.

Happynow001 · 15/05/2019 07:51

@brokenpromisesorlies

Once I was hooked, he would withdraw, then come back stronger than ever!
So he was strongly calculating and manipulative. Thank goodness you walked away. That in itself will have enraged him because YOU took control away from him and he will make strong attempts to get you back and his treatment of you will be worse.

Please don't be tempted to go back. He sounds dangerous to your mental health and in time your physical well-being also.

I can’t believe how much I miss him and still want him! I’m a professional, with a great support network, DC, social life.. I should be able to pull myself together
Than goodness you've booked some counselling to talk about this with someone professional.

Also print out your list about him and put it in your wallet also your bedside table so you can read it when you are having doubts you've done the right thing.

Mummadeeze
Your life with your partner sounds incredibly hard work.

And it has been 15 years of 90% hard work, 10% happiness.

Why do you stay?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 15/05/2019 08:11

He’s a headwreck.
the design of the communication style (the withdrawing and withholding, the feeling of being allowed back into the sunshine of their “love”) is that it’s addictive

I went out with someone who was a terrible person and terrible for me but who I was crazy about (as in unhealthily crazy about)

It’s been 3 years (2 years with my wonderful amazing and kind DP) and I still think of narc nightmare Richard him from time to time.

Leaving him was very difficult so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Throckmorton · 15/05/2019 08:40

He sounds horrible!!

To a previous poster though - bisexuality does NOT mean the person can't be monogamous, and it doesn't put anyone's health at risk unless they have unsafe sex - which applies to everyone not just bisexual people.

Likewise, Aspergers does NOT equate to being a bastard

BarbedBloom · 15/05/2019 08:43

The sexuality bit wouldn't bother me but everything else is a huge red flag. You did well walking away