To say no to teen pregnancy?

[DM1209]

Ok I know I'm not being unreasonable whatsoever but wanted to canvass some general opinions off strangers on the internet, why not.

Having a conversation with a friend who tells me her nephew is going to be a dad, he is 13. Family are in total shock, the girl (14) and her family even more so. No one at this stage knows what they are going to do. I say whatever both families decide is their business with of course their two teens who matter the most in this equation and wish them luck.

Friend then asks, what would you do if DC1, 2 or 3 were expecting a child in their teens? I respond with I would do my very best to support them and their decision, whatever it was, and be present and engaged with them.

Friend asks if I'd be disappointed, I say yes I would but I would never communicate those thoughts to them.
Friend asks why I would be disappointed? I state usual reasons of their whole life ahead of them, studying becomes harder etc and main one being age, they are simply too young emotionally and mentally to handle such a life changing event and I would rather they were older when and if it happened. I also added that if it happened we'd simply deal with it as a family and I wouldn't shun my child or force a termination or anything like that. However, I would prefer for it not to happen in their teens.

Friend proceeds to tell me I am so rude for being so judgemental and that teen pregnancies happen. Yes, I respond of course they do and while I support any parents decision regarding teen pregnancy I do not feel the need to apologise for my view of simply not wanting to have that for any of my DC's and while I know 'it happens' I would hope to steer them in a different direction/path. I know even after all of that it can still happen and if it did, so be it.

I don't see the need to normalise having a baby so very young. I know there are some exceptional mums and dads out there that make better teen parents than those of us in our 30's and 40's but I don't wish to encourage that for my children. It's like if anyone expresses a view that isn't all gung-ho and happy clappy about this topic, then they're living in the dark ages and being judgemental!

I don't feel I need to apologise for my thoughts and I don't feel I want to become a grandmother in my 40's. Am I in the minority with these thoughts and feelings?

We all have to deal with what actually happens, though - and self-righteous or self-pitying posturing about what you might do are both fairly futile.

Also, those of you puffing yourselves up about how your teens didn't have any pregnancies because of your bigoted, judgemental, harsh 'good' parenting your teens might not have had any pregnancies because they were lucky enough to avoid contraceptive failure, because they were/are gay (but perhaps didn't fancy sharing that with you) - or because they simply weren't/aren't very fertile. People don't necessarily know that they are subfertile or infertile until they start actively seeking to conceive, after all. Just like those women who brag about never having needed an abortion because they were 'careful with contraception'... and then they find out, in their 20s, that they never actually needed it because it would be impossible for them to concieve naturally.

I think PanBasher is wording her views pretty harshly but I get it.

Fwiw, I'd never throw my DC out and I'd always support them, however once they're teenagers/young adults, I'm looking forward to working freely without childcare worries, nights out and travelling. I absolutely wouldn't be prepared to raise a grandchild and if I did, it would be temporarily and with a heavy heart to be honest.

Whilst I completely agree that termination can only ever be the woman's choice, that is usually on the basic assumption that she will be the one raising it. Continuing a pregnancy and passing the baby onto her own mother is effectively forcing her into motherhood.

Personally I think prevention is better than cure but I also think it's not a bad idea to teach young people that abortion is not necessarily some dreadful tragedy but actually a really useful, quick and easy way to deal with a problem.

We always stressed the importance of education and a career rather than shaggin around.

“Shaggin around” isn’t the problem. There is nothing wrong with “shagging around”. It’s improper precautions that cause pregnancy. You don’t know if your daughters were “shaggin around because they won’t have told you and didn’t get pregnant (that you know of). “Shaggin around” and a good education are not mutually exclusive.

Anyone who would chuck out their 13 year old child has no claim to the title “good parent”.

Nothing is taboo in my home.

Except sex. Clearly.

It’s all puff anyway. What exactly does “get out of my house” look like *panbasher”? Let’s say your perfect daughters did “come home” (hate that phrase) pregnant at 13 and refused to terminate. What’s your next step? Are they allowed to stay until it is born so they are looking for somewhere to live aged 13 with a newborn? Or must they leave immediately? Will you help them find somewhere and move or are they now nothing to do with you? Will you inform SS that you are making your child homeless?

Don't know about patenting @drogosnextwife*.
Is that the product of IVA?*

Oh FFS, think someone's being purposely obtuse. A missed letter isn't even worth pointing out. Think it means you don't have anything of any importance or interest to say.

I agree with ILoveMaxBondi here. What would actually happen is that SS would take the baby into care. Once that’s happened, would you allow your DD to come home? After all, there would be no baby to raise, would there?

Also aspiration plays an important part.

Middle class girls have teenage pregnancies too...they generally have high aspirations for their life and are more likely to have an abortion. A teenage girl from a troubled, poorer home may not have any ambitions beyond having kids therefore there is a mentality of inevitably so may as well start early.

Forcing someone to have an abortion at any age is abusive. Telling someone they will be homeless if they don’t abort their pregnancy is forcing them. Because at 13 they cannot house themselves so they are being forced to make a choice about their own body that they do not want to make. If you tell your 13yo abort or get out you are an abusive parent.

I think you’re right, formerbabe. A middle class girl is more likely to be doing well at school and to care about her GCSEs. Therefore, she’s more likely to choose to have a termination herself.

I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t be horrified, desperately sad for them and hoping against hope they wanted a Termination.

Yabu for not wanting to become a grandmother in your 40's. I'm 27 next month, have a little girl and my mum isn't 50 yet, neither is my dad. Nearly, but not yet.

The rest of it? I would not be happy if my daughter got knocked up as a teenager so yanbu.

But I don’t agree with the harsh panbasher approach. It’s desperateky sad, and I’d have no issue voicing that, but reducing teen pregnancy to ‘shaggin around’ underestimates both our young people and our contraception message. Pregnancy only requires two people, not multiple partners, whatever the age.

LOL panbasher you can only spout those vile words because your children didn’t get pregnant.
You’re still someone who’d disown a 13 year old child if they got pregnant, says a lot about you tbh

There is a mile of ground between being furious, taking it seriously, sitting the two kids down and drumming it into them what it means etc etc, and kicking them out.

Everyone on here I think would do the first, most of us wouldn't do the second.

But there is an underlying assumption that all young people have had frank and open conversations about sex and contraception.
ds is 16, when he was about 10 he came home and asked me about contraception, what is it and what different types there are. Quite a grown up framing of the question, and it came from talk in the playground. He was 10, and he asked it in front of his sisters, then aged 8 and 5. I had a choice. I could say I'll tell you when you are older. I could say girls go away and have a private conversation. I could be all shocked at the inappropriateness of the question, or I could set the tone about conversations about sex.

I chose the last. I explained that every time someone has sex there is a possibility of a baby, and not everyone wants a baby every time, then explained simply what contraception was. Then put in a firm message that sex=babies and no-one should be having sex unless they have thought that through and are prepared to prevent it or raise the baby. Then set the expectation, sex is something for when you are 16 plus.

Since then the topic has come up many times in different ways. We talk about it and the implications.
So far, it is working.

Most people don't realise that condoms only have a success rate of 60% amongst young people using them for the first time. So even a sensible teen can get into trouble

I became sexually active at 14/15 (‘can’t remember exactly which side of my 15th birthday it was) with a boy of similar age; no lectures please, I’m in my 40s now.

Mum was cross when she found out back then, not that I was having sex but that I had not told her. She was quite liberated in as much that we (elder sister and I) were told that losing virginity was “man talk” and in reality you lost nothing, sex was not negative. But we were also taught about ensuring respect from others and being discreet.

But (and here’s the difference) we were brought up in Paris. Even back then, condom machines were outside almost every pharmacy and in metro stations. We used those machines regularly (boys and girls) and that rather than having to go into shops to purchase, helped keep us safe. Throughout my teenage years I never had a boy without a condom.

Yes, there are condom machines in the UK today, but they tend to be hidden. Yes, things can still go wrong, but it’s a good starting point.

You’ve clearly hit several nerves PanBasher!

I know when my time comes to have a teenage child I’ll be having the conversation with them before they become sexually active that even one act of unprotected sex can result in a baby, not doubling on contraception can result in a baby, if your girlfriend says she’s on the pill use a condom anyway, if you’re on the pill ensure he uses a condom anyway, and that if they fell pregnant they would be either terminating or moving into their own place to raise the child as adults and couldn’t expect me to do the child rearing and financing for them. I want them to know ahead of time so they can make their choices in full understanding of what the outcome would be. I’ve known more then one teenager be slack with contraception because ‘I know my mum would help me raise the baby if I got pregnant’ and they deserve to be under no illusions that that would not be our set up if the worst was to happen.

Not sure how it’d practically work if they were under sixteen and couldn’t live independently other then ensuring they knew that once they were sixteen it’d be time to move out if they kept the baby.

If you’re grown up enough to choose to have a baby you’re grown up enough to support it like adults and if not it’s really not an option to go through with it as you’re simply not ready to be parents. It’s about the unborn child and what sort of life they’re being brought into as well as the teenager.

@ReanimatedSGB

I think you're being a bit aggressive. I agree that being judgemental doesn't help. Sometimes you can do everything right as a parent and things go wrong anyway. Sometimes you be a pretty shitty parent and luck out in that things turn out OK anyway. So you're right that people shouldn't pat themselves on the back too much or look down on others.

That said there are lots of things you can do as a parent to increase the chances of things going smoothly. I think most people would agree that a teen pregnancy is outside of the realm of things going smoothly. It doesn't have to mean all their life chances disappear but it makes things more difficult and their options are constrained. Educating your child about contraception, having an open relationship where sex and relationships can be discussed, creating an environment that values education and training, helping your child think about and plan for their future etc. None of these can guarantee that your child won't become a teen parent but they statistically they reduce the chance and that's a good thing.

Of course if it happens anyway then you work with what you have and make the best of it.

Not sure how it’d practically work if they were under sixteen and couldn’t live independently other then ensuring they knew that once they were sixteen it’d be time to move out if they kept the baby.

Well that's a contradiction to your first paragraph. First you say there's no way you would help rear a grandchild, and they would have to move out or terminate. Then go on to say you would do it for a while, until they were 16 if they chose not to terminate. Which one is it? What if you had a DD and she fell pregnant at 12? You would help raise the child for 3/4 years and then turf them out?

I'm actually a bit disgusted at the amount of parents who would abandon their child, or force them into a medical procedure, that they didn't want, and could have a terrible impact of their future mental health. That would probably be one of the scariest times in your child's life and that's the way you would treat them?
I really doubt you would. Until you are in that situation, you don't know.

I've only read about halfway through (I know, the unforgivable MN sin) ... but to answer the original post. I would be horrified and disappointed. I wouldn't abandon them or force an abortion etc, I'm fact I wouldn't chose abortion myself so I wouldn't be encouraging that option although I wouldn't stop them if that's what they chose either. Either option needs to be theirs.

I would be as hands on as they wanted me to be but I would be upset and I would explain the impact on their lives and how I would expect far more from them because of this choice.

I live in a mixed area, I know several people who has children about 14 (I even went to school with a few), and the majority have been good parents, equally I know parents in their late 30s and even 40 who seem to not know what the hell their doing, however, there is no doubt that having a child when you're a child yourself it's ideal and is going to have an impact on the baby and I would just try and support them all the best I could.

My dd’s Father was 24 (!) when we accidentally got pregnant. His mother basically spouted all of this “you’re not ready” stuff to him and recommended he have no involvement with us. She also blocked me and chose to have no involvement with her gdc.
I would like to think that regardless of feelings about it, etc you would not try and turn away your ds from his child. It’s controlling and the older my dd gets the less I can fathom it. Almost 5 years later her bio grandparents have not sought contact.

Well it’s not ideal but I wouldn’t be frog marching them to the clinic like a previous poster

My parents had me later in life than most, I was fairly smart in school, bookish and (believe it or not) well behaved!
I fell pregnant at 15 by my first boyfriend, I'd never smoked or even had a drink.

...The world didn't fall to pieces. It's harder, obviously, much harder than life should be for someone so young. But my parents were amazing, supportive and loving. Their actions meant I was able to raise my baby, get great GCSEs, A-Levels and go to uni alongside my same aged peers.

I am in my 30s now, good job, husband, more children. My old boyfriend is still around, we're friends. I wouldn't wish for my own DC to have such an immense responsibility at such a young age and have spoken to them often about prevention. I felt the hardest part of my own experience was actually the backlash from outsiders, strangers, friends of friends (people who found their lives unchanged by my news, but somehow felt their opinion must be voiced)... the vitriol that came my way was unbearably awful - so much harder for my young teenage head to contend with than the practical care of a baby. It took years for my self worth to recover.

If my DC had a baby so young? I'd be sad for them, for the complicated life they would lead and the loss of freedom so early, but I would without a doubt help them. They wouldn't need me to be the arbiter of their punishment, I'm sure they'd face enough challenges in life without me making it so much harder.

This is always said, but, it really isn't the end of the world. I love my life, though I might not wish it for my own DC, I wouldn't change a thing.