To say no to teen pregnancy?

[DM1209]

Ok I know I'm not being unreasonable whatsoever but wanted to canvass some general opinions off strangers on the internet, why not.

Having a conversation with a friend who tells me her nephew is going to be a dad, he is 13. Family are in total shock, the girl (14) and her family even more so. No one at this stage knows what they are going to do. I say whatever both families decide is their business with of course their two teens who matter the most in this equation and wish them luck.

Friend then asks, what would you do if DC1, 2 or 3 were expecting a child in their teens? I respond with I would do my very best to support them and their decision, whatever it was, and be present and engaged with them.

Friend asks if I'd be disappointed, I say yes I would but I would never communicate those thoughts to them.
Friend asks why I would be disappointed? I state usual reasons of their whole life ahead of them, studying becomes harder etc and main one being age, they are simply too young emotionally and mentally to handle such a life changing event and I would rather they were older when and if it happened. I also added that if it happened we'd simply deal with it as a family and I wouldn't shun my child or force a termination or anything like that. However, I would prefer for it not to happen in their teens.

Friend proceeds to tell me I am so rude for being so judgemental and that teen pregnancies happen. Yes, I respond of course they do and while I support any parents decision regarding teen pregnancy I do not feel the need to apologise for my view of simply not wanting to have that for any of my DC's and while I know 'it happens' I would hope to steer them in a different direction/path. I know even after all of that it can still happen and if it did, so be it.

I don't see the need to normalise having a baby so very young. I know there are some exceptional mums and dads out there that make better teen parents than those of us in our 30's and 40's but I don't wish to encourage that for my children. It's like if anyone expresses a view that isn't all gung-ho and happy clappy about this topic, then they're living in the dark ages and being judgemental!

I don't feel I need to apologise for my thoughts and I don't feel I want to become a grandmother in my 40's. Am I in the minority with these thoughts and feelings?

Oh and to respond to the OP, if my eldest decided to start a family at aged 30... that would make me 46 years old. It is most likely that I will at least be a grandmother at some point in my late forties.

Perhaps one of the very few benefits of having a child young is that I hopefully would be able to see my grandchildren into adulthood and maybe even meet their children!

Your friend pushed for your thoughts.A 13 and 14 year old child is still a child.

I don't think most parents would think that was okay.Your friend pushed for your thoughts.

I'd be gutted and pressing for an abortion.

Not my choice, obviously, but I'd do everything I could to prevent my children from becoming teenage parents. Hard to imagine anyone wouldn't, really.

Well that's a contradiction to your first paragraph. First you say there's no way you would help rear a grandchild, and they would have to move out or terminate. Then go on to say you would do it for a while, until they were 16 if they chose not to terminate. Which one is it? What if you had a DD and she fell pregnant at 12? You would help raise the child for 3/4 years and then turf them out?

I wouldn’t help them raise the baby even if living under my roof, as in I wouldn’t be quitting work or reducing hours or rushing in in the middle of the night to soothe, I’d be clear in advance all of the parenting would be down to them. And I’d be expecting them to claim whatever benefits they could in order to pay for baby items. Not sure what I’d do if they were too young to work (i.e. younger than 13/14) but I suppose in that situation I’d have literally no choice to support them, however I’d be making them aware as soon as they could work they would be doing so and paying for their own child.

And yep, if my fifteen year old got pregnant I would of course make sure they knew that if they wanted the baby they should prepare to move out at sixteen and raise their child as a parent. I’d be involved as a grandparent but no further, no co raising. It’s only fair to make sure they knew what they were signing up for and I’d make all of this known before they became sexually active to make very sure they didn’t have the silly idea in their minds that they could have a baby as a teen cos their mum and dad would help.

I wouldn’t be able to prevent them having the baby while still living at home but I wouldn’t be helping them to raise it! Not sure how you’ve got contradiction from my post but I hope this clears it up.

I would very much approach it as in their hands, their decision, as I don’t believe it’s right to try and force anyone into terminating, but I would lay out what their future would look like and enable them to make their own choice based on that. Personally I think it’d be a bit neglectful to keep quiet while they decided to have a baby under the illusion their family would contribute to raising the child and only when they’ve decided not to terminate put them in the picture fully when it’s too late.

I’ve said it before on this thread but this is exactly how my mum spoke to me when I became sexually active, it wasn’t a threat, she was the most loving and wonderful mum I could have had. But she informed me one day while talking about stuff that if I got pregnant while living at home and wanted to continue the pregnancy I’d be moving out to do it properly as an adult as if I wasn’t capable of that practically and financially I certainly wasn’t ready for a baby myself or ready to give a baby the start in life it deserves. I respected her for it and it’d never really entered my head that it’d be okay to have a baby while my own mum was still supporting me/okay to expect her to do child rearing for a kid she didn’t choose to have, but I’m still glad she laid it out clearly as it got me thinking very carefully about protection and once I started having sex at 16/17 I used two forms of contraception and informed my partners if I got caught pregnant I’d be terminating and made sure they were okay with that (that would have been my stance at that age anyway regardless of where I lived).

I find this thread a bit ridiculous really. We are lucky in the UK to have safe, legal and relatively inexpensive abortion services. Surely a pregnant young teen should be persuaded that this is the best way to deal with their pregnancy? I wouldn't even encourage my 18 year old to continue a pregnancy! This doesn't mean I would be abandoning her or frog marching her to the clinic. It would be the best way I know how of caring for her and protecting her.

Experience from the other side here aka said child of teenage pregnancy.

My mum had me 2 months after her 15th birthday. We have the best relationship, but as said by my mum it meant she had to grow up quick and lost some of her childhood, she didn't get to be a typical teenager.

She didn't have much family support while I was growing up as nan died when she was 19 and pa died when she was a child.

She is the best, and always wanted better for her children, the one thing she taught me was to live life first, and to get an education.

She doesn't regret having me, but her life was hard. I love her dearly and thankfully she didn't believe in abortion.

She has never been judgemental about teenage pregnancies despite her experience. However strangers, friends and particular extended relatives were, saying you're going to get pregnant as a teenager just like your mum. Meanwhile other relatives were nothing but supportive.

However the quiet girl that I was, that wasn't interested in boys but loved study, they should have known better.

A rumour went around my country town when I left home at 19 to get tertiary education was that I left home because I was pregnant.

The best part, I am 43 and my mum is still here. So many of my friends parents have passed.

I also have younger siblings who are 10, 11 & 14 years my junior.

My mum has been happily married for 38 years to my stepdad, who she met when I was 6 months old, he's the best dad I could ask for.

At 39 I had my first child, and at 43 I am happily married with 2 beautiful boys.

My mum had me at 16. While she is absolutely amazing and we are like best friends, I made bloody sure it didn't happen to me because she would have been soooo gutted that I had not learned from her. I made sure that I did the things she couldn't but should have, like university.

I have not RTFT but my feeling is that a pregnancy at 13/14 is a very different thing from a pregnancy at 18. My mother had me when she was 18 and it all worked out well, but 13? That's different.

I had my first child at 16, still with her dad now we are 38 & 40, celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary yesterday, but at the time it was scary, we had hardly any money £75 a week to live on, that had to pay for utility bills, food & travel costs, food banks didn’t exist & we were too proud to ask for help!

My DD is now 22, has a nice job, home & car, she also has a DD of her own making me a grandparent at 37 but I absolutely love her so much, we never ever had help from either parents, I had awful postnatal depression & hid it because I was scared my DD would be taken away from me as I was judged on my age not how I was as a parent, my DH was determined to find work & he did, he has supported me & our children, he now has his own business, I help out & I look after our GD enabling our DD to carry on working.

I’ve been lucky & so have my children.

Totally agree Emerald. I expect that I (and perhaps you) would change tack when the baby arrived, but there's no advantage to letting a pregnant teen go into parenthood relying upon parental help.

I've had 5;kids so know for an ac-tu-al fact it's a baby- guess what if I fell over when I was 3 it hardly-hurt.. yet now-...well not so much- - it's a baby- I'm sure your mates kid will be able to work her head round it - I had a terrific life all through my twenties so I bloody well dare say it was harder to settle down! So there!

I had dd when I was 18 and if my Mum had told me to get out I think I would've been suicidal but fortunately she wasn't that vile and we worked things out together and now dd is 20 and a lovely young lady who I am proud of and very very glad I opted to have her and my Mum was and continues to be a great support to dd and myself even though I made her a Gran when she was 40

Your friend is a bit bonkers .... they are not legally old enough to consent to sex, but alcohol or vote but are to be responsible for making decisions for another persons health and well-being of course any parent would be aghast at such a situation occurring with their own offspring

I wish more teens were afraid to have sex, especially at that age. It’s too young for sex and/or babies. I would strongly recommend a termination as I would be raising the child. Bad all around.

I always wonder where their parents where, especially that their teenager especially below 18 is engaging in unsafe and unprotected sex.

While I would be horrified if my teenager got pregnant, it doesn't necessarily mean that they had unprotected sex. Look at all the women on MN who claim to have got pregnant due to contraception failure. If they're telling the truth, it seems to be much more common than the pharmaceutical companies make out.

I was a teen mum 17 i thought i knew it all , i ended up a single mum at 18 i worked my ass off and did my best it was hard but with parents help i did it and i swore my kids wouldnt do the same, 19 years later my Dd started uni training to be midwife ended up pregnant, to say i was devestated was an understatement i just wanted so much more , my daughters 32 now she is recovering from breast cancer and cant have any more children thankfully she has 3 , everything happens for a reason i say now id of been more devastated for her if she was unable to have any now . We all want the best but we have to make the best of what we are given x

... not read it all. Obviously, it’s not something any mother would want for her teenager. Why did your friend ask if you’d be disappointed in the first place? Firstly, she must be too or she would not think to ask this and secondly don’t ask the question if you don’t want the answer! I know it happened but it’s not exactly ideal is it??

A proper mature response by someone who knows

OP on the whole a very balanced and caring view. It’s very hard to forgive a parent who forces a termination despite the sense of it. Sometimes having grand children comes again sometimes it doesn’t. I’ve met some fantastically dedicated and self sacrificing teen mums with the right parental support. Having said that I would always encourage education first and a stable relationship towards settling down with a foundation and then children. The reverse is extremely hard and without support very taxing on health, financial security and well being of both mother and child

I find peoples reactions to younger parents odd. There are pros and cons of having children at all ages. Younger parents may not have a lot of money in the bank but they probably have a lot more energy than some older parents do. Having children while still at school is less than ideal but I have no issues with older teens having a family. The children will be adults when the parents are in their 40's - which is plenty of time for people to do more stuff for themselves (career, travel, whatever they want it to be).

I’m sorry “Wends” is that aimed at me?? So you know nothing about me but you just attack me... oh, sorry it MN!! I’m a mum of two. I would absolutely not want either of my children to have a baby young. If they did I would support them but I wouldn’t want it for them. Nobody normal would want that for a teenager.

My sister had my niece at nearly 17. So I do know actually. She’s a fantastic mum. My niece is all grown up and my sister has two more. As much as she loves, and would never change having, my niece I think if she could have had her a few years later, she would have preferred that. But we all got on with it and supported her.

I can’t event understand your post Wendy, except you have 5 blah blah. I’m sure you’re someone we’d all want advice from then.

There’s having kids young, then there’s children having children. The two are very different to me.

Having children while still at school is less than ideal but I have no issues with older teens having a family.

And do the grandparents, who are still supporting these older teens, have anything to say about it?

Bonkers.

I agree. people planning to have a family should be able to financially provide for them to some degree.

I have two boys (17 & 4). I am on the same page as you OP. My mum had me at just turned 19 and I lived how hard it was for her as a single teen parent (although we lived with my GPs, so lots of support for her). I terminated when I was 19 when history repeated. Not my finest time and was very hard to get over mentally. Now I have the boys I, like you, would deal with this situation (if it arose) as a family but of course I’d be disappointed for them if they took the path into early parenthood.