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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say no to teen pregnancy?

288 replies

DM1209 · 12/05/2019 21:24

Ok I know I'm not being unreasonable whatsoever but wanted to canvass some general opinions off strangers on the internet, why not.

Having a conversation with a friend who tells me her nephew is going to be a dad, he is 13. Family are in total shock, the girl (14) and her family even more so. No one at this stage knows what they are going to do. I say whatever both families decide is their business with of course their two teens who matter the most in this equation and wish them luck.

Friend then asks, what would you do if DC1, 2 or 3 were expecting a child in their teens? I respond with I would do my very best to support them and their decision, whatever it was, and be present and engaged with them.

Friend asks if I'd be disappointed, I say yes I would but I would never communicate those thoughts to them.
Friend asks why I would be disappointed? I state usual reasons of their whole life ahead of them, studying becomes harder etc and main one being age, they are simply too young emotionally and mentally to handle such a life changing event and I would rather they were older when and if it happened. I also added that if it happened we'd simply deal with it as a family and I wouldn't shun my child or force a termination or anything like that. However, I would prefer for it not to happen in their teens.

Friend proceeds to tell me I am so rude for being so judgemental and that teen pregnancies happen. Yes, I respond of course they do and while I support any parents decision regarding teen pregnancy I do not feel the need to apologise for my view of simply not wanting to have that for any of my DC's and while I know 'it happens' I would hope to steer them in a different direction/path. I know even after all of that it can still happen and if it did, so be it.

I don't see the need to normalise having a baby so very young. I know there are some exceptional mums and dads out there that make better teen parents than those of us in our 30's and 40's but I don't wish to encourage that for my children. It's like if anyone expresses a view that isn't all gung-ho and happy clappy about this topic, then they're living in the dark ages and being judgemental!

I don't feel I need to apologise for my thoughts and I don't feel I want to become a grandmother in my 40's. Am I in the minority with these thoughts and feelings?

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 13/05/2019 11:10

Alexa I think the point there is that no one should be coerced into having a termination. It has to be the pregnant woman’s decision otherwise it could be very damaging. Because for some people it is damaging, even if it is their decision.

I’m glad it wasn’t a difficult decision for you, and I know there are many women who say it was the same for them. But the issue here is about how far a parent should go to persuade their daughter to have a termination.

PeachesAndMayo · 13/05/2019 11:11

Yes, it was a while back. I was just incredibly shocked at the mum's attitude.

AlexaAmbidextra · 13/05/2019 11:13

I think many people do come through a termination without too much trauma, but there also lots of us that it affects forever. 22 years later and I still think about mine every day.

Have you ever thought of accessing some counselling as this does seem to be a bit extreme?

formerbabe · 13/05/2019 11:16

I think the point there is that no one should be coerced into having a termination. It has to be the pregnant woman’s decision

This is true. However, in the case of a 13 year old, their parents will invariably be the ones having to house, financially provide and almost certainly take care of the baby. They cannot work, rent a home or leave education, therefore whilst it's true that no one should force a woman to terminate, the problem is that motherhood in some form is being forced on the grandmother iyswim.

Branleuse · 13/05/2019 11:19

id almost certainly do my utmost to strongly encourage a child of that age to have an abortion

steppemum · 13/05/2019 11:23

blimey. 14.

There is a huge difference between a 16/17 year old which is far form ideal, but do-able, and 14.

I would be furious, because I have been really clear with my kids, that sex = babies unless you take precautions.
Obviously you support, but in this case I would be very upset if the girl went ahead. Awful for her. Poor kid having a baby at 14.

SnuggyBuggy · 13/05/2019 11:24

I'd honestly be gutted. I mean some families do beat the odds but the chances of a person making a decent life for themselves after giving birth as a teen do drop.

I'd also feel the need to find some people who had lived proper adult lives and done things to be role models in my grandchilds life, most teens don't have much life experience and would struggle with this.

Lizzie48 · 13/05/2019 12:03

Yes I do see that, which is why, back in the day, a girl in that position would have been forced to give the baby up for adoption - which is still an option. Or the grandparents can refuse to step in, which will then mean that SS take the child into care anyway.

This is a difficult thread for me. I did have a baby at 13, as a result of childhood SA. The baby was born prem and died. My pregnancy wasn’t discovered until I went into labour at the private convent school I went to. I was an overweight teenager and it was assumed that I had simply put on weight.

I have no idea whether it would have been better for me if my pregnancy had been discovered earlier and I’d had a termination. Either way, I later found out I was infertile, hence our decision to adopt.

My DSis also had a baby, but she was even younger, she was 11 years old. Her baby survived and was secretly adopted.

steppemum · 13/05/2019 12:22

Oh Lizzie, what an awful time you and your sister had. I am so sorry.
Flowers

PineapplesandtheGovernment · 13/05/2019 12:35

Lizzie48 Flowers You poor things Sad

Rezie · 13/05/2019 13:21

I really don't see how your response was judgemental or controversial. I feel lime moat parents (and teens). Feel the same way.

livin · 13/05/2019 13:23

I'd be horrified. Teen pregnancies do happen but they can be avoided with a line of open communication, sex education and open access to contraception. I'd hope when my teenagers start having sex that they are protected, even if they feel that they can't confide in me about it.

I would hope for a termination at that age.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/05/2019 13:31

Yes, the main thing is, once a teenager is pregnant, forcing her to terminate her pregnancy is utterly wrong: Suggesting it is one thing, discussing adoption as a possibility, fair enough, but coercing, threatening or bullying her into ending her pregnancy against her wishes is going to cause her long-term psychological damage and make her hate you.

Lizzie48 · 13/05/2019 13:59

Reanimated you’re spot on. It’s impossible for me to know whether a termination would have been right for me all those years ago, as I never had the chance to consider it. My feeling is, it would have been far less traumatic than what I did go through, but only if I’d been given the chance to come to that conclusion myself. A coerced abortion would simply have been a continuation of the abuse I’d been suffering.

I suspect that would be true for any woman or girl made pregnant through rape. They need to have the opportunity to take back control of what is happening to them.

Steppemum and Pineapple thank you for your kind words. Flowers

darkriver19886 · 13/05/2019 14:23

YANBU.
I would be horrified and disgusted if any of my girls got pregnant before they were ready. My sister got pregnant when she 14, luckily she had a lot of support but I was horrified.

However.... I would never force them to have abortions.

darkriver19886 · 13/05/2019 14:24

@lizzie48 I am so sorry for you experience. Flowers

steppemum · 13/05/2019 14:43

Wise words reanimated

I always think in the whole abortion debate that once you are pregnant there are no easy solutions, and no easy answers, whatever you do you will in some way always live with the consequences/aftermath.
Which is why I wish we were better at talking to teens about sex. Or actually, more likely, pre-teens so they are prepared when the time comes.

tisonlymeagain · 13/05/2019 16:28

@livin I had sex education, open communication and easy access to contraception and still got pregnant because in the heat of the moment it didn't matter. Of course that's stupid but many adults of every age get caught out in similar situations regardless of knowing better. Those damn hormones!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/05/2019 16:32

Thanks Lizzie

IntoValhalla · 13/05/2019 16:46

Yes, teen pregnancy does happen. But I’m sorry to say I’d feel like I’d failed a bit in my job to educate my DCs properly if it did happen.
My parents didn’t talk about anything remotely to do with sex/periods/contraception, nothing. I had to figure it all out for myself, which luckily I did and avoided anything untoward. I’ve always said that I won’t let my DCs reach their teens and be as blind to the world of sex and relationships as I was. While I will never encourage them to have sex in their teens, the likelihood is, it will happen, so all I can do is hope I’ve educated them properly, make sure there’s condoms available if they need them, and have built the kind of relationship with them where they aren’t afraid to come to me to talk about any of it.
If DD did get pregnant or DS was an impregnator, I’d be very disappointed and sad, but would ultimately provide whatever support they needed.

PanBasher · 13/05/2019 20:36

There is no way I would be rearing the baby of a kid.
It would be a case of get rid or get out in my house.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/05/2019 20:50

Fantastic parenting, that! Hmm

maddiemookins16mum · 13/05/2019 20:56

I’d certainly be saying how very disappointed I was (along with many other choice words). I’d also be steering them to abortion or adoption. I’d support them but they’d damn well know I wasn’t doing it willingly or nor would I say it’ll all be fine/we’ll cope etc.

formerbabe · 13/05/2019 21:07

There is no way I would be rearing the baby of a kid.

Dreadfully put, but I take your point. If a 13year old has a baby their parent is effective being forced into parenting a baby again.

Drogosnextwife · 13/05/2019 21:32

I would be extremely disappointed and upset, but I would support them in whatever they decided and be prepared to be one of the main carers for the child, if not the main carer. I have 2 DS so obviously the decision lies with the girl in the situation. I was a teenager when I had my first DS but I was 18 when I gave birth. My parents were so disappointed and pleaded with me to terminate, my dad told me he would kick me out but I couldn't do it. My DS is 10 now and he is the light of their life as is his brother. I don't blame my parents for feeling that way, I would have felt the same.
I lived with them for 2 years, but I was the parent. My mum babysat but did no more than any other grandmother would have done for a child that didn't live with them. It was difficult raising a child alone at that age. I honestly don't think a 13/14 year old would be capable of successfully raising a child alone.

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