To say no to teen pregnancy?

[DM1209]

Ok I know I'm not being unreasonable whatsoever but wanted to canvass some general opinions off strangers on the internet, why not.

Having a conversation with a friend who tells me her nephew is going to be a dad, he is 13. Family are in total shock, the girl (14) and her family even more so. No one at this stage knows what they are going to do. I say whatever both families decide is their business with of course their two teens who matter the most in this equation and wish them luck.

Friend then asks, what would you do if DC1, 2 or 3 were expecting a child in their teens? I respond with I would do my very best to support them and their decision, whatever it was, and be present and engaged with them.

Friend asks if I'd be disappointed, I say yes I would but I would never communicate those thoughts to them.
Friend asks why I would be disappointed? I state usual reasons of their whole life ahead of them, studying becomes harder etc and main one being age, they are simply too young emotionally and mentally to handle such a life changing event and I would rather they were older when and if it happened. I also added that if it happened we'd simply deal with it as a family and I wouldn't shun my child or force a termination or anything like that. However, I would prefer for it not to happen in their teens.

Friend proceeds to tell me I am so rude for being so judgemental and that teen pregnancies happen. Yes, I respond of course they do and while I support any parents decision regarding teen pregnancy I do not feel the need to apologise for my view of simply not wanting to have that for any of my DC's and while I know 'it happens' I would hope to steer them in a different direction/path. I know even after all of that it can still happen and if it did, so be it.

I don't see the need to normalise having a baby so very young. I know there are some exceptional mums and dads out there that make better teen parents than those of us in our 30's and 40's but I don't wish to encourage that for my children. It's like if anyone expresses a view that isn't all gung-ho and happy clappy about this topic, then they're living in the dark ages and being judgemental!

I don't feel I need to apologise for my thoughts and I don't feel I want to become a grandmother in my 40's. Am I in the minority with these thoughts and feelings?

PanBasher your kids (if you have any) are really lucky to have you.

PanBasher

My mum has the same view as you and now we have a homeless 15 year old. Get some humanity about you ffs

I don't agree with how it was put but honestly, what if you simply cannot raise another child that your 13/14-year-old wants to have? Sometimes it's not a matter of 'if there's a will there's a way' if there are simply not the resources or ability for the girl's parents to parent another child because that's exactly what they must do if the girl is a young teen. I don't think that makes the grandparent a bad person.

@drogosnextwife
@Whatonplanetearth.

I have 2 daughters aged 29 and 26. Neither came home pregnant. We always stressed the importance of education and a career rather than shaggin around.
Both are doing wonderful with their careers thanks.
Call me all the shit mother's you like, but at least my daughter's didn't come home pregnant.

While I wouldn't take PanBashers approach I do think it's important to be clear about what I'll support your decision actually means. No I wouldn't coerce my dd into having an abortion but I strongly believe that a teen making a life changing decision actually needs to know what that "support" looks like and in my case outlining that could look like pushing her to have an abortion.

I don't know how it couldn't tbh because if you're discussing what life looks like after the decision well, barring the small chance of any complications with the procedure and acknowledging that there's an emotional or psychological impact for some women, life continues as normal if she chooses an abortion.

Whereas if she chose to have a baby then life would be very different and that's where imo she deserves to know what I'll support your decision means. Financially? Yes. We could provide for her and her child as opposed to a vague well, we'd manage. That financial provision would include paid childcare while she's in full time education and yes, I'd be very clear that leaving education early is just not an option.

Practical support? Up to a point. I wouldn't give up work or go part time in order to take on responsibility for raising my gc. Some people would and might think I should but the reality is I wouldn't be willing to and I think dd would deserve to know that.

The fact is any pregnant young teen is making a grown up decision that unfortunately they are ill equipped to make . Yet they must. As the adult I'm much more aware of what the result of her decision may be and I think I would owe it to her to be honest. So while I wouldn't bully her into it I would be telling her that I believe an abortion would be the best option.

I fell pregnant with ds when I was 17. As much as I love him and wouldn't change my life I would be sad if he followed in my footsteps and became a dad at that age.

I don't know what I would do about it though if that did happen. Of course I would support any decision but I wouldn't force him to do anything.

I would lobby long and loud for abortion. I certainly wouldn't give up work to care for a grandchild.

Granted I didn’t read all the comments but no one seemed to bring up adoption. In the US infertile couples often adopt teen babies.

My brother and his GF had a baby when they were 17. Their relationship didn’t last and they both married other evoke and had two more children each. Their son is now 30 and has a very successful career.

My DH has a cousin who was pregnant at 18. Her mum seemed to live vicariously through her and encouraged her to part hard and act older than her age as well as spoiling her financially. However when she became pregnant they hid it from the rest of the family and encouraged/pressured her and her BF to get married (and paid for a big fancy do). She finished uni and is a Social Worker it’s a Masters degree. The marriage lasted about 12 years, the cousin is now a single mum with three kids, the two eldest from her marriage. She seems to have never got over her teenage years and treated her children as peers. Her middle daughter who is 17 is pregnant and is not living at home because of the very difficult relationship she has with her mum. In this case I think the mum should have never got married, it seemed it was purely for her parents sake.

I would not be encouraging a 14 year old to go through a pregnancy, termination due to her young age would absolutely be my initial preference. How does such a young body cope with pregnancy? How does a child who has no way of earning money look after a baby? It's cruel to encourage such young teenagers to have a child, they are not mature enough to understand the consequences.

I am in the USA and there are few babies available for adoption. I know a young woman who had a open adoption for her baby when she was a teen. She is Christian and did not want an abortion but knew she wasn’t ready to be a mother. She has frequent updates on her child and how he is doing and it has given her peace of mind. It also means she is quite open about what happened and can talk about it freely because she knows where her son is and that he is loved and happy. I think this seems to help her as she can integrate her past into her current situation.

I think the open adoption system in the US can be done really well (I know there's elements that aren't so good)

I'm in touch with a few young women from the US who have opted for a similar set up, and I've been impressed at how open and respectful the process seems to have been for them.

@PanBasher

If I had a parent like you, I wouldn't have told you anything, so who knows what your DD's kept from you when they were younger.

My daughter's and I are very close. Nothing is taboo in my home. Thanks for your concern all the same @drogosnextwife.

Hmm sounds like it is.

Oh and you don't need to shag around to fall pregnant. What you are saying is if you child came home and told you she was pregnant you would either force her into a termination, or you would abandon her. Good patenting.

Spot on PanBasher and I’m not sure why people are getting at you. Parenting isn’t just about making supportive noises and offering to pick up the slack when your child fucks up. If you let a child know in advance that’s your stance they are less likely to go into a teen pregnancy believing no matter what happens they’ll be okay as mum and dad will raise the child for them. As mentioned earlier your approach is the one my mother took and i respected it even back then.

If you’re old enough to have a baby you’re old enough to support them and yourself financially. And if you’re not capable of doing so and could only consider continuing the pregnancy with other people funding it you’re not ready to be a parent.

Actually, I am in favour of the right to abort up to the moment of birth. But that goes hand in hand with the right not to abort just because some people disapprove of your pregnancy.

All those wailing about 'what if you simply can't just manage' should bear in mind that shit can happen in anyone's life (your adult DD could become so ill or injured that you have to take over parenting your grandkids, for example) and, basically, you have to manage. But most of the vindictive moralising on here is coming from the same place of sexual dysfunction - pregnancy is the most awful thing because it PROVES SEX HAPPENED AND THAT'S SO AWFUL.

It would be a case of get rid or get out in my house.
that is a vile thing to say.
Of course you can be holier than thou because your daughters didn't get pregnant, but that doesn't mean it couldn't have happened, there but for the grace of God and all that.

Chucking out a 13 year old is vile. Under any circumstances really. Only one I can think of is if they are physically endangering the rest of the family.

Don't know about patenting @drogosnextwife.
Is that the product of IVA?

However, given that neither of my daughters came home pregnant then i consider that my parenting or patenting as you like to call it, clearly worked....that would be called having conversations.
But once again, thanks for your concern, its been duly noted ( and chucked in the bin with the rest of the shit )

Well, SGB, I now have serious MH issues I did not have when I last gave birth, and you know, I really could not cope with raising another child now. I honestly could not. I had myself sterilised to make sure I never had another child for this reason. So I would not be able to 'have to manage' my 13-year-old's child . I also have a child with SEN already. But hey, thanks for telling me the equivalent of 'suck it up, buttercup'.

You call it vile @Steppermum, i call it honesty.
Thanks for the input though.

Had I had been sexually active at 14 I would have been terrified of falling pregnant because my Mum would have killed me. She said once or twice had I got pregnant as a teen her attitude would have been I’m old enough to have a baby, I’m old enough to take care of it myself.

But I don’t think she would have kicked me out had I been in that position. But the threat was there.
She doesn’t believe in abortion so her solution probably would have been adoption. (Not suggesting that makes it okay either)

That being said I think it’s okay to not be happy at a teenager falling pregnant. A woman I used to work with had a daughter that had two children by time she was 16, her joyful reaction I always found weird.

@reaminatedSGB Nothing to do with not managing. If i wanted another kid in my life, i would have one of my own. And i don't want one of my own because it would fuck my nice life up.
Pretty much the same way as it would fuck a 13 year olds life up.

If my son managed to get a girl pregnant at 13/14 I would go ballistic.

I’d point out to him that he had just put his fate (becoming a parent) in the hands of someone else, and that if the girl and/or her parents don’t want him to see the baby he/we will have a hell of a time sorting it out. I would try to strike up a decent relationship with the girl’s family, but it could be hard if they were to decide it was all my son’s fault.

If the girl kept it I would make my son get a Saturday job and spend it all on nappies etc.

I would dread being potentially put in the position of either taking on the baby or the baby going into care, as I have a child with SEN and a sister with SEN who I might well end up having to help out once my parents are infirm or dead. I don’t think DH and I could take on a tiny baby full time in those circumstances.