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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend gave me her rubbish. AIBU to feel so hurt by this?

333 replies

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 12/05/2019 15:15

I've been struggling more for money the last few months. I am not broke but I have to really watch what I spend and budget.

A friend bought round some unwanted supplies as she knew I am short this month. I was really touched by her kindness at first but was then a bit shocked to find that all the food was out of date, opened or manky. She has very high standards on food so I'm amazed she could have found most of it acceptable.

The bread was mouldy, some of the jars were opened or way past their use by date, the vegetables were way past their best. From the two large bags of supplies she gave me only 2 items were not put straight in the bin after she left.

I feel really upset and let down by her. I can't believe she didn't notice it was all rubbish except for two obscure food items that I'll probably never use.

AIBU to want to end the friendship over this? It feels like I'm overreacting but I just feel so hurt she gave me two bags of rubbish and I thanked her so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 12/05/2019 16:00

Thanks for the replies. Most are exactly how I feel.

Branleuse
Did you want her to do a proper shop for you, or give you money??

I didn't want her to do anything. I'd not been begging or complaining to her. I have well stocked food cupboards so will not starve.

Another friend had wanted me to lend her some money and I'd refused and told her that I couldn't afford to. I wanted to discourage her from asking again so discussed my finances a bit more than necessary. My rubbish friend was present when this conversation took place and has been commenting on what I said ever since.

My 'rubbish' friend thinks I should stop one of my huge monthly expenditures because 'it's a waste of money' but it's my choice and I consider it worthwhile. I can manage and budget for it.

I thought perhaps she'd given me the wrong bags or something. I was going to text her and ask that because I have to ask and see if there was a mistake.

OP posts:
notatwork · 12/05/2019 16:00

Opened and mouldy is unacceptable.
Out of date cupboard stuff, not so much.
I have dried stuff which is technically out of date but I'd still use. What were the useable but obscure items OP? What is obscure to some may not be to others.
Our school sent out a pre-harvest festival note saying please don't send in out of date tins or obscure things like kidney beans or chickpeas. I use those every week!

Branleuse · 12/05/2019 16:01

Well im not personally bothered by best before dates for myself or my family, and am a big fan of the reduced/dented aisle, and when ive done a bag for my dps mate, then I give him stuff im not going to use myself. Im finding this all quite bizarre. Just throw it out if its no good. It doesnt mean she hates you. Same as being given bags of kids clothes etc. Some of them are always unusable. Sometimes all of them are unusable. I just still assume someone has tried to be nice and quietly charity the things I dont want, or pass them on again or if really bad, then bin. Doesnt make it humiliating or mean that your friend thinks all you deserve is shit.

Baylis · 12/05/2019 16:02

I would never give a friend in need mouldy or out of date food Confused I'd have to text her about it and let her know.

Branleuse · 12/05/2019 16:04

Id just tell her that you think shes misunderstood the situation and youve actually got loads of food in, and please dont bother giving any more food as its really not necessary.

MatildaTheCat · 12/05/2019 16:04

Apparently this happens all the time at school collections for harvest festival etc. People are basically using it as an excuse to clear out their cupboards and feeling bountiful.

So tight and if a friend did this I would be keeping a wide berth in the future.

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 12/05/2019 16:04

As I said, Wombat, I’ve had the same experience with harvest festival and food bank donations. The attitude seems to be that if you are giving it away, then the recipient ought to be grateful for whatever they are given.
I wouldn’t be rude, but I would return the items in case the donor isn’t too fussy. She needs to understand that it isn’t an acceptable way to treat another human being, especially a friend.

NannyRed · 12/05/2019 16:06

Do you really need to ask?

Celebelly · 12/05/2019 16:08

Is she generally a good friend/nice person? If this is unusual then I would be inclined to think it was just a mistake - tbh some of the stuff in our cup boards is probably a bit out of date but it wouldn't occur to me to check as I always think tins last forever Grin The bread isn't nice but she genuinely might not have noticed it was mouldy. If this is out of character and she's otherwise been a good friend then I would be inclined to give her benefit of the doubt I think.

WombatChocolate · 12/05/2019 16:09

Do people honestly think she KNOWINGLY gave mouldy bread? Why would people assume this rather than a genuine mistake which is so much more likely?

And no, no-one is suggesting those in need deserve lesser food. Interpreting it all like that is a sign of being hyper-sensitive.....but that's not unusual when people need to accept help because it can be difficult to accept it. The mouldy bread isn't humiliating and the given of it wasn't done to humiliate. Op is feeling sensitive due to being in need.

I am not in need at the moment,mfortunately for me. However, I friends sometimes give me items of food they won't use and I do likewise. I've been given a half jar of something they tried and didn't like, or some vegetables they had in the fridge when they were going on holiday and couldn't use....and yes, one or two of those might not have really been edible,mbut I'd dint give it a second thought and certainly didn't take offence.

I just wonder if leaving it a day to think about it all might make Op realise she may well have slightly over reacted and attributed unkind intent to the friend, when it really wasn't there. Perhaps she might see that perhaps she is rather over sensitive at the moment. Just worth considering because after all, which of us has so many good friends that we can afford to be binning them with very little thought and as a quick reaction to an individual event. Surely it's worth considering a bit more andntryingnto see possible explanations.

SkintAsASkintThing · 12/05/2019 16:09

It sounds like she's enjoying being above you, she's intentionally humiliated you. I'd cut her off, and I hope she lands royally on her arse and finds herself in a crap situation one day.

Orangecake123 · 12/05/2019 16:09

OP I've done a £20 shop for a friend when she told me she didn't have any money and everything was new and from the supermarket. When I've gone away on holiday I've dropped off food I wouldn't be able to eat.Neither of it was old and mouldy. It's not an honest mistake- bin her. I would be hurt by this too.

Celebelly · 12/05/2019 16:10

'My 'rubbish' friend thinks I should stop one of my huge monthly expenditures because 'it's a waste of money' but it's my choice and I consider it worthwhile. I can manage and budget for it.'

With all due respect, she might have a point if you're unable to buy food for yourself...

Sweetpea55 · 12/05/2019 16:10

I feel really upset for you.
It must have made you feel like you were second class.
I agree with others, you must tell her

TanMateix · 12/05/2019 16:10

Apparently this happens all the time at school collections for harvest festival etc. People are basically using it as an excuse to clear out their cupboards and feeling bountiful.

Totally agree with that ^

Some people just pas on the rubbish with no regard for the people who will receive it.

niknac1 · 12/05/2019 16:11

There’s an app OLIO that you can pass on food you don’t want or collect things, for OP it might be worth downloading but some things might be out of date or opened. I use my out of date tins and we have remained healthy. I also use my out of date sauces and jars in my fridge.

floraloctopus · 12/05/2019 16:14

YANBU. Could she have picked up the wrong bag somehow?

EnglishRose13 · 12/05/2019 16:15

I agree with @WombatChocolate.

I'd like to think it was a genuine mistake.

MillennialFalcon · 12/05/2019 16:15

From what you mentioned about the other conversation and her unwanted advice it seems she is trying to make some kind of impolite point. She has probably put two and two together and made five and got the impression you were complaining about your finances while making financial decisions she doesn't consider sensible and objects to that for some reason even though it's none of her business! I think she needs setting straight that you were simply saying you didn't have money to lend not that you're in dire straits and you don't need her advice or "donations". At first I had the same thoughts as others on here to wonder if she put some things to one side to give to you and didn't realise they had gone off before she got around to it or accidentally picked up the wrong bag meant for the bin but with your update it unfortunately sounds like her behaviour is more deliberate, which does make it insulting. You do not have to put up with that. YANBU.

WombatChocolate · 12/05/2019 16:16

I just think lots of people are too quick to see malicious intent rather than mistake and that too many people seem to think others want to Lord it over others and Op in particular, based on barely any information.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 12/05/2019 16:16

Thehogfatherstolemycurry

I also thought maybe the bag of food had been in the car for a day or so. Bread and veg go off really quickly when warm.
I don't check dates much on tins and jars. Even on veg I judge by sight. Although OP suggests her friend is fussy which may mean it was deliberate. Would need to ask her if she realised.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/05/2019 16:16

Just a thought...

Years ago I sorted through the house, decluttering. I made up a few bags to give to a friend who was moving into her own place. Other bags for charity shops and some for the tip.

You can guess which I delivered to my friend!!

Fortunately she assumed I had made a mistake and rang me, just as I got to the charity shop and realised my error.

Could something similar have happened?

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 12/05/2019 16:17

Did she get her bags mixed up?

I say this as someone who has more than once, drain homemade stock down the sink, put the vegetables in the bin not the peelings and have put the good stuff in the bin after a cupboard clean out, only to realise when I tried to put the bad stuff back in.

feelingverylazytoday · 12/05/2019 16:17

Celebelly the OP can afford food. She just has to budget carefully.

SignedUpJust4This · 12/05/2019 16:18

Is there a possibility she had it bagged up and ready to give to you a while ago but you cancelled or postponed your meet up and in the mean time some of it may have gone off?